In the Moment?

Posted on November 9, 2012 | 2 Comments

Sitting in my kitchen drinking my morning tea, I had my to-do list in hand. All those things I didn’t get done last week!!

If you are like me, sometimes I obsess over what hasn’t gotten accomplished. Life is good when things are being removed from my to-do list. It’s finished…time to celebrate by marking it off the list!! When nothing leaves the list…it obviously was a bad week…or is it?

As I started thinking about all the things that had gotten in the way of a successful week, I felt God’s gentle nudge. “Debbie, success in your eyes is getting THINGS done. Think back to what happened last week. Was it really a bad week? Would you want to trade the time you would have spent doing something on this list over what you did?”

Hmm…

In my mind, the replay of my week began.

My son had text me the night before he was to come home from college for fall break. “Mom, would you mind coming to get me? I don’t think I need to be driving home. I’m sore from getting hurt in a basketball game and don’t think it would be wise for me to be driving.” Luckily, I had looked at the situation as a sign of maturity rather than in light of my to-do list. My 19 year old had put enough forethought into the fact that he shouldn’t be driving because of his pain!! Of course I went to go get him! It cost me six hours of driving time over a four day period, but it was time that we spent together…talking and catching up on each other’s world. It eased us back into the “back to normal” relationship we had before he left for school. I wouldn’t have traded it for a moment!

So what else did I do? I took my son to a couple of doctors since he didn’t have his car home to drive himself. We talked, we spent time together laughing, joking, and talking about how walking into one of the doctor’s offices was like going to visit family! It wasn’t a burden…it was good!! We even had lunch at his favorite restaurant.

The joy I saw on his face while he was eating his favorite meals I had taken time to fix, made my time well spent. We laughed about how tired he was with the cafeteria food on campus and the only pizza place in the small college town wasn’t a national chain. It was good to watch how he was learning to appreciate the small things in life…even my cooking!

Then there was worship together on Sunday morning and the discussion of the sermon on the ride home of how he could implement it in his own life. We talked about churches he had visited near the college campus. Wow, he’s starting to think so much more deeply having been on his own for less than three months. One of life’s joys!

Yes, he asked if I would do his laundry…and I did (not grudgingly because I knew the pain he was in). As I pulled out what I thought would be a mountain of stinky stained college kid shirts that had probably shrunk from being in too hot of a dryer and sheets that had probably been on the bed since he left, I was amazed to see that it wasn’t at all what I expected! He had obviously learned the secret of washing clothes that would even make his grandmother proud. An opportunity to affirm his movement into self-sufficiency and give him kudos for a job well done!

Then I remembered the “cookie request”.

“Mom, it sure would be great if you could make another batch of cookies for the guys in the dorm.” How could I turn that down? His roommate had even jumped on Skype with us one night about a month ago thanking me for the best cookies ever. So with a heart of joy and contentment, I made a batch of cookies for him to take back to his new friends…my gift of love.

While the thought of the week made me smile, laughing that I had thought that my unaccomplished tasks on my to-do list were more important, a wave of sadness also surrounded me. Why had I not taken those opportunities with all my kids? What was so important that it couldn’t have waited? I rejoiced that I had finally learned to live in the moment rather than thinking about all those things not done…but how many opportunities had I squandered? How many times have I forfeited relationship with my kids for THINGS on my to-do list?

I had no idea what that text to go get my son from college would teach me. But I’m learning…

“Be still and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10

As our children get older there will be less time to connect. Seize every opportunity and be in the moment when they desire our time and service. Be still…listen to their desires and dreams…fill their cups to overflowing with your love…that way, they’ll want to come back for more. Respect the fact that they are becoming adults but sometimes still want to just enjoy having mom or dad be there for them.

DARE YOU to respond to a reasonable request of your time from your tween, teen, or twenty-something without listing all the things you won’t get done because you are being there for them.

DOUBLE DARE YOU to initiate some time to take your kid out for some one-on-one time at their favorite restaurant or ice cream place talking about their world.

Hoping to re-establish patterns to live in the moment!

“Let Go and Let God…”

Debbie

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Posted in in the moment, relationship, respecting teen, teen issues, Uncategorized

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He’s into WHAT??

Posted on October 10, 2012 | 2 Comments

Walking into the kitchen to fix dinner, Cindy noticed her new high school student quickly close the lid on his laptop. “Finished with homework?” she asked.

“Ugh…almost,” Aaron responded frustrated. “Something’s wrong with this computer though. I’m not able to access some of the stuff I need for my history class.” With that, he grabbed his computer and went to his bedroom, books left behind.

“Hmm,” she wondered. “Not again! That wasn’t exactly the response she was hoping for, but with her husband’s expertise, she knew he could probably solve the computer problem when he got home.”

Cindy was pretty happy with the small Christian school Aaron began attending a few years ago. The teachers seemed genuine and most of the kids she had met came from good homes. She had been a little hesitant about the new program they had begun where they issued all the high school kids a laptop for their school work, but for the most part, Aaron did seem to get his homework done quicker. It was a little frustrating some days, though, especially when he couldn’t access the files he needed. Most of the teachers loved the new program and the faculty had been insistent that they were working out the bugs in the system, watching the computer usage, and had even blocked inappropriate website access. She just didn’t understand why Aaron kept having problems with his computer.

While chopping the vegetables for a dinner casserole, Cindy kept thinking about Aaron’s computer issues. Other parents she had talked to didn’t seem to have nearly the number of issues with their kids’ computers as Aaron. “I just don’t understand why it always seems to be his computer.”

That night at dinner, Cindy’s husband offered to take a look at the computer. “No, Dad,” Aaron responded. “I think I’ve got it fixed. I’ll let you know if I need help.”

“Son, that’s fine, but I’m happy to take a look at it.”

“No, dad,” he insisted. “I’ll just have them swap it out at school if it continues to be a problem.”

“You’ve done that three or four times in the last couple of months. Are all the kids having these kinds of problems with the computers?”

“Yeah, some of them,” he responded. “They’re looking into it.”

The next evening as Cindy and Tom had settled down to relax in the family room, Aaron came in carrying the computer looking distraught. “Dad, I think I need you to look at it. It won’t do anything. Mr. Hammar, the tech support guy at school, said I may have to pay to replace it if I can’t get it fixed. He wouldn’t swap it out.”

“Aaron, you haven’t tried to download anything that would impact the restrictions placed on the system by the school, have you?”

“Several of the kids have passed me a few sites they have running on their systems, but I don’t think it should be a problem,” he hesitated.

“Tell me more…” responded Tom.

“Uh…Dad, they’re sites that you’re not going to be real happy about.”

“And why is that?”

“I just need them off my system, Dad.” Aaron flung the words as he left the room.

Tom worked several hours before he was finally able to access the history files. “Oh, Cindy,” he gasped. “I think we have a problem. There’s PORN on this computer. I can’t believe he is doing this! He knows how we feel about this kind of stuff. How dare he embarrass us like this in front of the school! They might even expel him! WHERE IS HE??”

As Tom started to escalate, Cindy took a deep breath attempting to remember what she had learned in the parenting class. Then the scripture came to mind…

I Corinthians 10:13 – No temptation (or trial) has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not all you to be tempted (or tried) beyond what you are able, but with the temptation (or trial) will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it.

“Tom, let’s think through this before we react,” she cautioned. “We may not have encountered this with our other kids, but let’s try to walk through the situation with grace and humility. Let’s tell Aaron he won’t be able to take his laptop to school tomorrow because you want to work on it some more. That will give us time to pray and talk before we react.”

Aaron seemed quiet the next morning and when he returned home from school the next afternoon. Cindy responded to him as if nothing was wrong. It was hard…really hard. She wanted to shake him and ask him what he thought he was doing, but she held her tongue. Instead, she had fixed his favorite snack and asked him about his day at school. Rather than sitting down as they normally did to talk while he ate, Aaron mumbled something about not being hungry as he went up to his room.

That night, the story came tumbling out as Aaron told about how the junior on the basketball team had borrowed his computer one day. The older student had figured out a way to get around the blocks on the systems and had downloaded stuff on several of the guys’ computers after practice. As Aaron continued his story, tears started tumbling down Cindy’s face. Aaron had been accessing porn. It was true, but she sensed his acceptance of his wrongdoing. God seemed to be telling her this would be one of many of Aaron’s quests toward manhood. “Thank you, Lord, for this trial,” she sang within her heart. “Thank you that Aaron got caught…by us…and not the school. Thank you that Tom and I were able to pause for a day to search for your wisdom rather than push the issue last night. Thank you that Aaron is accepting ownership for what he has done. Now help us to find grace as we take this to the school. Help us to think through a plan, with Aaron’s buy-in on what needs to be done to address the issue.”

BOTTOM LINE: If we do not allow our children time to escape our wrath when they make poor choices, then we may not be allowing the Holy Spirit time to do His work in bringing them to a place of repentance.

Dare you to allow time to lapse before responding to your next trial with your tween, teen, or twenty-something.

Double dare you to spend the time in prayer and talking through alternative solutions with your spouse before engaging with your child.

Choosing to remember He will have my escape plan!

“Let go and let God…”

Debbie

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Imposter?

Posted on October 1, 2012 | 6 Comments

Plastering a fake smile on my face, I joined my Thursday morning small group. I had been in this Bible study of over 50 women for a couple of years, but the leader had decided to change things up two weeks before, placing us in random small groups. Of course, I ended up in a group with mostly people I didn’t know. Ugh! I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be here. I enjoyed the comfort of the way things were.

“With the way I am feeling today, maybe this is a good thing,” I thought to myself. “No one in this group would need to know my true story. Maybe it would be easier to put on a persona with these women rather than share the raw feelings of being an inept mother. Today I could pretend…”

“Isn’t that what you always do?” I heard the small voice from somewhere in my brain. “No one knows who you really are anyway.”

I sighed as my thoughts continued. ”Guess I’m getting pretty good at playing the imposter. No one in this church would want to have anything to do with me, especially if they knew what was going on in our home.”

As the morning progressed, we started sharing in our small groups. I was amazed at the depth of pain Carrie shared as she told how her husband had left her and their three sons. I found it unbelievable that she was not crying, not angry, not bitter…she seemed at peace. “Wow, the strength of this woman.”

Laura was the next to speak. “Pray for my 22 year old daughter. The guy she is living with has recently been diagnosed with…”

“Oh, my, I can’t believe she said that out loud,” rattled through my head. A guy her daughter is living with…whoa! Carrie quickly comforted Laura with her words as I sat wondering how much Laura and I might be able to relate to each other. We both had daughters who seemed to be struggling.

As my turn came around, just as I had started to share a little about my wonderful family, my cell phone started to vibrate. I ignored it.
I continued my story…the cell phone continued to vibrate. I attempted to ignore it again.

By the third time, I mumbled, “I better take this. One of my teens is home sick today.”

I didn’t recognize the number, but as I heard the other voice on the phone, I began to shake uncontrollably. All my fears came rushing to the forefront of my mind. Quickly, I left the room so I could talk in private.

“I just wanted to call to make sure you are home,” the voice echoed from the other end. I was shocked! It was her voice…the voice of my daughter’s latest boyfriend’s mother. “How did she get my number?” I wondered. I wasn’t exactly thrilled that my daughter was dating her son. I had lots of concerns…no, major concerns!

“Well, uh, no, I’m not. Tamara, is there a problem?”

“I just think you should be home if you can. I’m at work already. I understand that both of our kids are home sick today. I just thought they might be up to something…”

“Thanks for letting me know. I’ll head home now.” I muttered as tears started falling uncontrollably. Quickly, I headed back to my group to get my purse and keys. The ladies were praying…praying for me!

As I quietly sat down to reach my purse, tears still streaming down my face, they all looked up with expectancy. I didn’t have a chance to hide. I was too emotional to even think about putting my mask back on. It was the moment of truth when I shared…really shared…my thoughts…my pain…my ineptness as a mother…and now my most recent concerns…

With tears streaming down my face, tissues were being placed into my shaking hands. Several women had tears in their eyes…especially Laura. I realized that she could relate to my pain the most. She put her arms around me and began praying as the others joined in. Calm began to replace my churning stomach. Peace began to fill my mind.

“You need to go now, sweetie,” they chorused. “We’ll be praying. See you next week.”

I prayed all the way home bracing myself for what I might find and rehearsing how I’d react if I found them together.

 As I entered the house, all was quiet. I tiptoed upstairs as my daughter walked out of her room. “Oh, did you go somewhere?” she mumbled wiping sleep from her eyes.

“I went to Bible study.”

“Oh, I just woke up. I really feel awful,” she sniffled.

“Did you know that Brad was home sick today?” I asked.

“No,” she replied. “How do you know?”

As I later replayed the events of the day on my knees, it occurred to me that I was living my life in fear. Fear of what my kids were doing, fear of their choices, fear of what people might think…of them…of me. Honestly, I was afraid of being judged as a parent…therefore, the mask.

“For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13.

BOTTOM LINE: If we continue to wear the mask, living in fear, we lose the opportunity of being strengthened by others that God has already refined who have walked before us in the parenting process.

Dare you to ask God for a friend with whom you can share your parenting woes.

Double dare you to schedule a time to meet with the friend.

Bravely walking the journey with you…without the mask…

“Let go and let God…”

Debbie


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Posted in difficult teens, Letting go, teen issues

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A Thief?!?!

Posted on September 23, 2012 | 2 Comments

Jolted from my silence by the interruption of the telephone, I heard Linda’s voice on the other end. “Debbie, please walk me through this. I’m scared! Jeremy is in trouble. I don’t know what to do! Can you come over right away and walk me through this? Hurry, the police are expecting me.”

Without thinking twice, I ran across the street to console my friend. “Linda, how can I help?”

“Just help me think! I’ve never dealt with anything like this! The police just called to tell me that Jeremy is being held in security. He was caught stealing something! They want me to come right away. How can this be? Not, Jeremy!”

As tears streamed down her face, I reached for her hands to help keep her from shaking. Quietly, I encouraged her to sit down a few minutes. “Linda, tell me everything you know.”

“That’s it. Just that they say they are holding Jeremy down at the shopping center for stealing!”

“Is this something you would ever have expected from Jeremy?”

“No! Of course not!”

“Why not?” I responded.

“Of all my kids, Jeremy is the last one I would expect. He’s doing great in school, almost all A’s, and I really like his friends. It just doesn’t make any sense. He’s got money in the bank from working last summer. Why would he need to steel something?”

“Has anything been different lately?”

“No, I don’t think so.” She mumbled. “What would he possibly want to steal? Oh my… he is getting pretty serious with his girlfriend. Surely he wouldn’t be stealing…you know, something he might be too embarrassed to buy!”

As Linda’s mind started heading toward all those unthinkable possibilities of what Jeremy might have stolen and how embarrassed she might be when she got to the store, I gave her a hug and offered up a quick prayer.

“Linda, look at me. When my mind starts taking me to places I know I shouldn’t go, I try to remember a scripture verse. The one from Philippians 4:8 is a good one. Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”

” The truth here,”  I continued, “ is that Jeremy is a good kid! Now it is up to you to be a strong mom for him. You can’t go in there crying or getting angry. This isn’t about you, it is about him. He’s a good kid who has done a stupid thing. We’ve all done stupid stuff in our lives; just focus on what you know to be true. Jeremy is a great kid and you are a strong mom! You can do this. Go be there for your son!”

As she drove down the street, I knew I’d be on my knees in her behalf during the next hour.

Later that evening Linda dropped by with a smile on her face, “Debbie, you were right. Jeremy is a good kid who did a stupid thing.”

As she shared the details of the afternoon with the police and Jeremy, she seemed content with how the experience had turned out. “You wouldn’t have believed it. As we were leaving, the police officer looked at me and told me what a great son I had. Luckily, he doesn’t have to go to court, but he will have to pay a fine. Jeremy managed to redeem himself with the officer even after he did such a stupid thing. I felt sorry for him. I could tell he was really scared…and repentant. I’m glad I was there for him.”

“Linda, how did you respond to Jeremy when you got there?”

“It had to have been God! I just went in and calmly asked what happened. Even when Jeremy and I were walking to the car, I just kept silent. I let him talk.”

“Wow! What restraint you must have exhibited!”

“The crazy thing about the whole thing is that he actually took something he had sold in a yard sale last summer.”

“What? I don’t get it.”

“Seems his girlfriend’s little brother was into the same card game Jeremy used to be into when he was that age. Jeremy was wishing he still had his collection to give to him. Said he was having a hard time paying for something he had just given away. Jeremy remembered opening the box in the store but the rest is a little fuzzy. When the security guard followed him into the parking lot, it was like a light bulb went off in his head and he realized what he had done. He immediately turned around and handed the merchandise over to security. I can’t believe he did something stupid for all the right reasons.”

“Oh, Linda, you’ve raised a good kid. It was one of those brain-freeze moments.”

“I know how you’ve told me that the frontal lobe doesn’t fully develop until between the ages of 24 and 27.” she laughed. “I think I just experienced that today!”

BOTTOM LINE: Even when our tweens, teens, or twenty-somethings do the unthinkable, we need to remember that their brains are still maturing. They need us to stay calm and be the adult in their life, walking beside them no matter how difficult the situation.

Dare You to not respond with anger or tears next time you find your child has made some unbelievable mistake.

Double Dare You to listen in silence as your kid tells you why they made a stupid choice.

Learning to laugh on the journey!

“Let go and let God…”

Debbie

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Posted in anger, respecting teen, stealing, teens in crisis

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Guilty?!?!

Posted on September 19, 2012 | 1 Comment

Cornered as we walked into church on Sunday morning, I watched another mom reach out to my junior high son just steps ahead of me. “Not so fast,” she murmured, “we need to talk with your mom.” Not even allowing him to speak, she ushered my 12 year old son over to me. I watched as he bowed his head in shame knowing what was coming next.

“You would not believe what came out of your son’s mouth yesterday!” she hissed. “Do you know the kind of things that your son is doing to animals? He’s torturing them…torturing them and then laughing about it to his friends! You need to know that what he is doing is absolutely sick! I heard all about it when he was in my car yesterday. Your poor cat! Did you know that he stuck that poor kitten into a …”

Luckily, this was not my first time encountering one-of-those moms. In the past, I had handled these situations all wrong, frustrated that my child had embarrassed me in front of another adult! Horrified at what they were being accused of, I would make sure to take my child down a notch or two in front of the other mom, allowing her to see that I was a ‘good’ mom who took my parenting role seriously.

Truth be known, and I do hate to admit it, I’ve been one of those moms myself when my kids were younger. You know….sitting there in judgment…wanting to make sure that I played the role of traffic cop well, radar watching for any offense that I saw as being wrong. “After all”, I reasoned, “if I don’t point out this weakness in a kid to his parents, then it can’t be dealt with. I would want to know if my child did something like this. I need to do the same for other parents.”

Whoa…faulty thinking on my part!!

With time, I had learned the error of my ways. This time, I was more prepared to salvage the relationship with my son rather than prove that I was a good mom…rather than believe that the adult side of the story was right when I knew there were two sides. I had learned through scripture and experience that my son deserved a fair trial.

…And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
Micah 6:8b

“Lord, help me to take a deep breath and walk humbly with you in this situation.” I muttered to myself.

After taking our verbal chastisement from Mrs. Gibson, I assured her that I would speak to my son about it and thanked her for her concern. Quickly, I swept my son out of the woman’s sight with arms around his back laughingly asking him, “Are you alright?”

With a sheepish nod, he replied, “Mom, it wasn’t like that at all!

“It’s okay, son, we’ll work through it. I know you well enough that there has to be another side to this story. We’ll talk about it after lunch this afternoon. Don’t worry about Mrs. Gibson. Just go enjoy Sunday school with your friends.”

He gave me a slight smile as I winked at him, assuring him that we’d get through the ordeal with the now dreaded, Mrs. Gibson.

As I expected, Mrs. Gibson’s version was far from what I thought my son was capable of conjuring up on his own.

“Son, so tell me what happened yesterday when you were in the car with Mrs. Gibson.”

As my son rattled off the events of the previous day, the light bulb began to illuminate. Oh my, these weren’t his stories…these were stories his dad had told him about pranks he remembered being played during his college days! I wasn’t sure if I was more upset that my husband had actually shared those stories with our kids or horrified to think that my son might have actually considered doing something similar on his own.

“Son, did you ever do that to our cat?” I ventured. 

“Mom, you know how it is with us guys. We sometimes do stupid stuff, and I will admit that one time I stuck her in the old microwave out in the garage. But it wasn’t plugged in! We intended to get her out right away, but you remember, the door got jammed and Dad had to take it apart to get the cat out. I felt horrible! I would never intentionally hurt Duchess!”

“It was the same way, yesterday,” he continued. “Mark, James, and I laughed retelling the story of Duchess, and one thing led to another, and James told us what his dad had done to the dog when it died, and the stories just kept getting more and more exaggerated. Mrs. Gibson thought they were all true and started yelling at us before we had a chance to explain.”

“So she doesn’t know the truth?” I asked, trying to hide the laughter that was welling up inside me.

“I guess not.”

As we put together a plan for him to redeem himself with Mrs. Gibson, I thanked God that I had kept my cool with my son after Mrs. Gibson’s reprimand. My husband and I would have a good laugh about this one tonight behind closed doors. Boys at this age can get themselves in the strangest predicaments! 

BOTTOM LINE: Parenting is about helping our children know that we will always believe in their innocence until they are proven guilty. If we listen to both sides, before passing judgment, we have a better chance of building relationship even through the trials of the tween, teen, or twenty-something years.

Dare you to ask questions next time a situation appears to incriminate your child, holding your tongue until all sides have spoken. 

Double Dare you give a tween, teen, or twenty-something a hug today, letting them know how special they are to you. 

Learning beside you.

“Let go and let God…”

Debbie


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You want a what?!?!

Posted on September 14, 2012 | 9 Comments

“Mom, can I get a tattoo? It’s a really big deal. All the guys on the squad have one.” Oh my, the dreaded words.

As the mother of four with this one being my oldest, a 17 year old son, it was a big deal! I wanted to scream at him, “No way!” Typical parent thoughts coursed through my mind, “You’ll be scarred for life! What will people think? I won’t be able to stand looking at you with that thing.” Somehow, in the course of this conversation, I managed to keep my cool. Maybe it was because he had so calmly asked the question. Maybe it was because I knew he couldn’t get one without my help since he was underage. Ha! I was in a position of power!

“Hmm,” I calmly responded. “Why is it a big deal?” We then dialogued about why it was so important to him.

“Don’t you need a parent signature since you are under 18?” I managed without a whisper of sarcasm.

Luckily, I had an out, “Guess your dad and I need to talk about this one.”

As my husband and I spoke about the situation wondering how we should approach it without alienating our son, we did several things that helped determine our response. The first thing we did was agree that we did not want him to get the tattoo. Yeah, we could issue a dictatorial response, but was it a hill worth dying on? Was it something that our son would hold against us in years to come? Would the decision potentially set a precedent that might impact our other children? Oh my, such heavy questions we were beginning to embark on in our parenting journey.

I know that some of you are out there saying “WHAT? YOU EVEN CONSIDERED SAYING YES? YOU MUST BE OUT OF YOUR MIND!” But please, hang in here with me. As we began the prayer vigilance seeking God for guidance, I started the research. Ugh! It would have been so much easier if God had just said… “Thou shalt not get a tattoo”. Meanwhile, my husband set off to discuss it with friends who had already been down this path, hoping to get perspective.

We continued to discuss the topic with our son, not making it an issue between us…but with sincere concern as to what was best for him. He had his opinion; we had ours. We learned all the reasons this was a big deal for him. The dialogue became similar to one with an adult friend. Back and forth…things we understood…things we were having difficulty with.

We agreed to give him our decision in a few weeks after we returned from vacation. That would give us some “fun, connecting” time before we gave him our “No”. You know, the let them down easy “no”.

As we enjoyed the beach together, my husband and I agreed that our son was really maturing well. For the most part he seemed to be making good decisions. How badly would our decision impact our relationship?

And then my husband and I did the unbelievable, the unthinkable, the ‘whatever possessed us to do this’ thing… WE WENT TO VISIT A TATOO PARLOR!

It was really quite by accident. While hanging around the dock with the kids off doing water sports, we saw it…a Tattoo Parlor on the corner…within walking distance. Knowing there was absolutely no way anyone would recognize us, we went in to look at tattoo drawings. As I walked into the shop, I kept thinking, “Father, forgive me…I know not what I am doing!” Standing there among several employees with more color on their skin than I have in my wardrobe, I sheepishly asked prices and told the girl behind the counter what we were considering for our 17 year old. She immediately had the owner to come speak with us.

As we explained our dilemma, I then asked him, “What would you say if this was your kid?” I have no idea what possessed me to ask an artist such a stupid question, but he looked just a few years younger than me. “Maybe he had kids of his own?” I thought skeptically.

Surprise of all surprises, he responded, “You’re the first person to ever come in here to ask me that! There’s no way I’d let a kid of mine get a tattoo until they’re at least 25, especially a male. Their body changes too much with muscle growth that skews the artwork, they also haven’t figured out who they are and what is important to them. If it was my kid, I’d say no.”

SHOCK resonated within me as my husband and I left. Speechless, but absolutely delighted, we laughed our way out of the shop. God had given us plenty of ammunition to back up our response!

As my husband and I sat down to discuss our decision with our son, we gave him both a biblical response and an expert’s response. Knowing why this was such a big deal to him, we created him an out. “Son, here’s the deal. No, we are not going to sign for you get a tattoo now and we’ve outlined the reasons why. If you will wait until you are 25 to get a tattoo and you still want one, I’ll pay for it,” responded his dad.

“No matter how big?” he asked.

“Ask me when you are 25.”

YES, it was a gamble. YES, we might later have to eat our words. But we were willing to take a risk at more maturity in eight years.

(FAST FORWARD to six months before his 25th birthday.)

I decided that I really didn’t want to deal with any surprises for his birthday. I had no idea what tattoos were costing these days and I certainly needed time to get used to the idea of my son with a tattoo. “Honey,” I ventured, “your 25th birthday is right around the corner. Have you given any thought to whether you still want that tattoo we offered?”

“You’ve got to be kidding, Mom. Of course, I don’t want a tattoo. You’re off the hook.”

As I sighed with relief, I kept remembering a scripture verse, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV

BOTTOM LINE: We are sometimes tempted to respond to our children’s requests with a resounding “no” when the relationship would be better served in letting them know we will respectfully consider their requests. If you do, maybe God will provide a way to let you off the hook.

Dare you to pause in your response to your child’s next earthshattering request and create dialogue instead of anger.

Double dare you to send me your earthshattering parenting situations. Maybe I’ll have a story that will give you hope!

Enjoy the journey!

“Let go and let God…”

Debbie

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Expectations – Looking back or side-to-side?

Posted on September 4, 2012 | Comments Off

Sitting at a local coffee shop with a woman whose son I had recently met, Lana poured out her heart as we sipped cappuccino. I wasn’t sure why she wanted to speak to me; but as she began to fill in the details, I realized that I was an anomaly in her world.

“Your family is the only one I’ve met with both a mom and dad,” she muttered behind a look of disbelief. And with that, I realized that I had become her “relationship expert”. Yikes!

“Well, at least she had come to at least one right conclusion. Both parents do have an impact on their children,” I thought to myself as she continued to sputter all the sins of her ex-husband.

Having chewed up her ex, she soon launched into the real reason she has asked me to meet her.

“I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get my 15 year old to do what he should be doing!” she blubbered. “At his age, I was on the honor roll in school, playing a sport every season, and working 20 hours a week.” (Translate – expectations!)

“Tom’s grades are awful and he just got suspended from the football team because he wasn’t making it to practice on time. Not only that, but I’ve been trying to get him to look for a part-time job for the last six months. He won’t even try! Getting him to get up on Saturday morning to mow the lawn and do his chores is next to impossible. Without his dad living at home anymore, I have to depend on Tom to help out around the house more. He’s just not pulling his weight. I do everything I can to be his friend and do what he asks me to do, but I just don’t understand …”

I sat frustrated as Lana continued to ramble on, not really wanting any advice. I knew God must have me there for a reason. (I’d sort that out with Him later.) Obviously, she just needed to vent to someone that she thought had it all together. Ha! Guess I didn’t have to share all my parenting shortcomings after all!

After listening for over an hour while attempting to ask questions to help her recognize her unrealistic expectations, I managed to extract myself from this woman’s woes. I laughed at myself as I pulled away in the van, “My expectations for our meeting were obviously out of sync as well. J I thought she wanted some “words of wisdom” and was coming with a heart “willing to listen”. Strike that expectation off the list!!

As I lay awake that night sorting through my conversation with Lana, pouring out my heart to God as to why he wanted me to be her sounding board, a still small voice seemed to speak to me, “You have expectations of your children too, Debbie. Are they realistic? Is anyone in your family bucking the system?”

“Oh, my…”

“Just like Lana wants to be her son’s friend, what kind of expectations do you have of yourself to justify you being a “good” mom?

“Ouch!”

As I contemplate the expectations I have for my children, I am reminded of Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers (and mothers), do not exasperate your children…” Lord, forgive me. I’ve certainly done that. Sometimes I still do that even though they are now adults!!

But then I realize that the verse goes on, “…instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ah-ha! “God, this is the standard YOU want for me to be a “good” mom!” Lord, how I fail miserably at this.

Bottom Line: No matter what the stage of life for our kids, tweens, teens, or twenty-something, our expectations are usually based on where we were at that age or where we think our friends’ kids are in the journey. Instead of looking back or side-to-side, I encourage you to look into your child’s face with a true desire for relationship wanting to help him discover who God designed him to be.

Dare you to discuss the expectations you are letting go of with your child.

Double dare you to have the discussion over a hot cup of cappuccino or mocha asking your child to hold you accountable for truly letting the expectation go. (Trust me when I say this one will really be hard. You may have to graciously eat humble pie when your child gives you feedback. If you can’t handle the “accountability” part just yet, at least enjoy the cappuccino and mocha!)

Privileged to learn alongside you!

“Let go and let God…”

Debbie


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