My Teen is having Sex!

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For most of us the words “My Teen is having Sex!” would send us spiraling into terror.  Our pulse would race, we’d be gasping for air, and most likely our minds would go into that world of “What If’s”.

We’d start blaming ourselves for what we didn’t teach our kid or what we did wrong in our parenting.  We’d want to lock our kid in their room until they are 30 and can make better decisions.

In other words–we’d want to control the situation and possibly make sure it doesn’t happen again.

If you are like most Christian parents, teens having sex outside of marriage affects you deeply at the core of your value system.  And depending on how you might have struggled with your sexuality as a teen or young adult, the potential regrets and possible abuse involved, or a transgression from a spouse could send you to the very place the enemy wants you–a place where your desire for your teen’s obedience and compliance with your values becomes more important than the relationship.

So how can you stay calm in the midst of the emotional storm that threatens to take you into a pit of despair?  How can you maintain the relationship with your teen in a healthy way that breathes life into your relationship rather than playing the game of blame–blame toward yourself for not being a good  enough parent and blame toward your teen for not following the right path?

  1. Acknowledge that your teen is a separate human being who can and will make their own decisions.  At this stage of the game you can mentor–walk beside them–but you can’t control their every move 24/7.   Tell this to yourself as well as your teen.
  2. Validate your teen’s sexual desires and talk about the world’s view versus your view.  Let’s face it, sex is everywhere in our culture.  TV and movies portray sex like shaking hands.  You and I are friends, let’s hop in bed together is the world’s mentality. Remember that our teens are having to make choices between our beliefs and the world’s when their frontal lobe won’t be fully functioning for almost another decade.
  3. Listen to your teen’s view on sex without judgment and without emotion.  Find out how invested they are in the relationship.  You can share your beliefs and make suggestions after hearing them out, but be sure to agree to disagree if need be in a calm manner expressing your sadness–not your anger.
  4. Take necessary precautions.  This is where I know I’ll get into trouble in the Christian community. If your teen is choosing to have sex, make sure it is safe sex.  Here’s why.

Proverbs 17:17

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.

As Christians, we need to think about how we can best love our teen who is struggling. Why would we want to bring potential harm to this person whom God gave us to tend and nurture when we have the means to help protect them?

Once we have knowledge that our child is having sex, we now have the ability to arm our teen with the means to protect them from something more–pregnancy, STD, or some other fate.

We need to not believe the lie that providing birth control means that we are condoning the behavior.  Be honest, tell your teen why you are doing it–to protect them and you.  Arm them while still putting boundaries in place–especially in your home that you can control.  But continue to stand firm on why you think their promiscuity is a mistake.

Yes, there will still be other possible consequences such as future regret and a broken heart that we can’t protect, but we need to remember that the relationship is more important than the behavior.

I’ll admit, ten years ago I would never have bought into the concepts in this post.  It’s amazing what God does to a person’s heart when He allows us to see the pain and broken relationships other women have endured from God fearing Christian parents who had good intentions.  Working with women who have the scars of their family’s love that turned into anger-filled control when they “made wrong decisions” helps me see their need for love and acceptance in spite of their choices.

What these women long for more than anything is to feel the loving arms of their parents saying “I don’t agree with your decision.  I wish I could change your mind.  I wish you would accept that as your parent I do know that this mistake will lead you to a place you really don’t want to go.  You know what the Bible says about sex outside of marriage and this decision is about your relationship with God more than it is about your relationship with me.  But as your mother, I accept that you are your own person and I will walk beside you and will always be here when you need me.”

I re-engaged with a woman a couple of months ago who was caught in this very dilemma more than a decade ago.  Her teen daughter was having sex and rather than becoming that hysterical mom she calmly and rationally talked about the situation.  Knowing her daughter wasn’t going to change the behavior, Mom took her daughter to the gynecologist in an effort to create relationship as well as prevent an unwanted pregnancy.  I asked her specifically, “How is your relationship with your daughter today?”

Her response, “It’s good.  She is happily married and I see her at least once and sometimes twice a week.  She is even talking about trying to get pregnant soon.”

Isn’t that what we want as parents–to see our kids thrive after we’ve walked with them through the difficulties of life.

Dare you to not let the enemy steal your relationship with your teen as you navigate the turbulent waters.

“Let go…and let God”,

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I’d love to dialogue with you over the issue of teen sex in our culture today.  Got thoughts you’d like to share?

 

Too Tired to be Thankful?

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thanksgiving

I don’t know about you, but at my house as the holidays approach, it is sometimes hard to be thankful.  Let’s face it, if we are mom, the holidays can be work–significantly extra work.

I remember a period of several years when  holidays became a chore rather than a celebration.  After spending more time in the grocery store than I really wanted, I’d think of all the preparation I still needed to do.  More time on my feet than energy I had to give. With extended family more than a two day’s drive, all the food prep fell on me.

Of course, with four teens under roof, everyone had a different “favorite” dish that needed to be prepared.

And then there was the “timing” of dinner.  With three kids dating, we had to determine when everyone “including their dates” could all be at our house at the same time.

“Mom, you are going to make your homemade bread again this year, aren’t you?”

“Don’t forget to make a turtle pie.”

Even a girlfriend who had been part of the family for over a year had her “favorite dish” request.

At least the meal planning was easy.  Requests times five can equal an entire meal.

Before the thanksgiving meal was complete and dishes were washed, the conversation would quickly turn to newspaper ads, black Friday shopping, and Christmas wish lists.

With that conversation came more exhaustion for me.

The shopping, the making sure I picked the right size and the right color, and, oh, yeah, there would be another huge meal to prepare–and the Thanksgiving dishes weren’t even washed yet!

And then there was the fact that the kids would be scrambling to get to their “date’s” house for another meal, that left me with all the cleanup to do.

As I allowed the holidays to become my life’s sentence, it occurred to me that playing the martyr wasn’t doing anyone any good.  My focus needed to change.  What was I teaching my teens about being thankful especially when I couldn’t be thankful that the holidays were here?

And then it occurred to me.  How do we learn to be thankful?

We learn to be thankful by experiencing difficulties.

It is in the working together that we experience what it is like not to have to do things all by ourselves.

And my planning of the holidays changed!

We called the kids together for a family meeting letting the kids know that I would not be doing all the holiday preparations as usual.  Each person who ate would be part of the clean-up.  Everyone would also contribute something to the meal.

Instead of making that homemade bread, I taught my daughter to do it.  Instead of making that turtle pie, my son did.  Instead of being a slave to the kitchen, I spent time with each of my teens as they prepared their part of the meal.  I was there to encourage them and teach them the ropes of preparing a holiday feast while I cleaned the kitchen as they worked. Even my son and his girlfriend were there to make “her” favorite dish.  And we all worked together.

And the conversation at dinner took on a different tone.  They became thankful for what the other person had contributed to the meal.  They took note of what I typically had done for them.

And each person chose their desired position for dishes detail.

And finally, I wasn’t too tired to be thankful.

Psalm 118:1, 5

 Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;

for his steadfast love endures forever!

Out of my distress I called on the Lord;

the Lord answered me and set me free.

Little did I know at the time that I was setting the stage for the future.  This year all the kids will be home for the holidays with their families.  Our oldest son has already told me that he and his wife are in charge of the turkey.  Another is bringing his special cheesecake.  Who knows what else will grace our table.

All I know is that whatever it is, I won’t be too tired to be thankful.

Dare you to share in the holiday preparation so that your teens will learn to be thankful for all you do for them.

“Let go…and let God”,

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Have you gotten your copy of With All Due Respect yet?  It’s parenting self-discovery training in book form.  If you want someone to walk beside you in your parenting, we hope you’ll join us for the With All Due Respect e-Course.   You’ll be encouraged in your parenting and have opportunity to ask questions.  I’ll be joining you on the journey and can’t wait to meet you.  To take advantage of the discount, click here and enter in the code daretoconnect for a 50% savings for a limited time only.

Also, be sure to sign up for your free Parenting Tips!

 

How Are You Impacting Your Child’s Identity?

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Sitting in a doctor’s office, I was surprised to find out that we were actually seeing the son of a doctor I had made acquaintance with several years prior.  Not wanting to be overtly obvious and wanting to give this man my full attention so that he could properly make a diagnosis, I chose not to bring up the connection too early in our conversation.

Having been to numerous doctors’ offices with my son over the past several years, it didn’t surprise me at all that this young doctor started interacting with us in a casual manner telling us that he had recently graduated from medical school and was finally following in his father’s footsteps.  Becoming a physician was his second career. What did surprise me though was that as the dialogue continued, it became obvious that he was the son who had never quite measured up.  

How sad.

Here was a man most likely in his early 40’s who had not only graduated from medical school and was now a physician, yet his identity was wrapped up in what his parents thought of him.  

I began wondering what lies had been spoken over him in his quest for manhood and approval.  As he made his diagnosis, it was almost as if he was asking if we agreed with him.  

As parents of tweens and teens, it is easy to get frustrated when our kids make mistakes or choose not to do something that we think is in their best interest. But during those times of interaction do we treat them with respect or do we tear them down to the point that their identity becomes mired into thinking of themselves as “failures”.

Like it or not, we are a mirror for our kid’s identity.  Our actions, reactions, words, body language, and facial expressions all send a message that says either “I respect you as a person” or “You don’t measure up”.

We are weaving the foundation for our kids in how they measure up when they face the outside world as well.

  1. Do we offer empathy when their world comes crashing down on them?
  2. Do we console their disappointments and give them hope for their tomorrow?
  3. Do we guide them in how to handle difficulties so they can be more confident?
  4. Do we point them to Jesus Christ as their source of identity?
  5. Do we release them to be who God created them to be rather than who we want them to be?

Colossians 3:21

Do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

Romans 15:5

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had.

Dare you to take inventory of how you are responding to your teens and the impact you might be making on how they think of themselves.  Better yet, why not ask them how they think you view them.  If the response is not what you had hoped for, try apologizing for your parenting mistakes.  Polish the mirror so they see themselves as God sees them.

“Let go…and let God”,

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Have you gotten your copy of With All Due Respect yet?  It’s parenting self-discovery training in book form.  If you want someone to walk beside you in your parenting, we hope you’ll join us for the With All Due Respect e-Course.   You’ll be encouraged in your parenting and have opportunity to ask questions.  I’ll be joining you on the journey and can’t wait to meet you.  To take advantage of the discount, click here and enter in the code daretoconnect for a 50% savings for a limited time only.

Also, be sure to sign up for your free Parenting Tips!

 

 

 

Who Does Your Identity Come From?

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reflection

The topic of identity can spur some interesting conversations with women.  Let’s face it, it’s not until we look at others that we recognize if we are too tall, too short, overweight, underweight, a good mom or a terrible mother.

And then the question is, “Who is making the judgment?”

Each of us gains our identity from those we are in close proximity to.

When we were kids, we identified with our family.  They gave us our identity as we compared ourselves to our parents and siblings.  As we moved into the young adult world, we gained our identity from the college we attended or job we held.  Our peers became our mirror.

In our adult world, we tend to gain our identity from our friends–specifically other parents once we have kids.  

And sometimes, all too often, our identity can come from our kids.

I speak with women time and time again who are in the throws of difficult life circumstances with their teens.  What I hear most is the weight of the burden they carry.  In the mist of the pain, they take on all the blame.

If only I had done things differently.  If only I had been more strict, been more lenient, been more loving, stayed married, been more involved, spent more time with him, bought her a horse…and the list could become infinite.

And with that the mom has tagged herself a failure and assumed the identity of a “horrible mother”.

I want to challenge moms who are living with those difficult teens to look deeper for your identity.  Just as cancer or another illness doesn’t define you, your parent’s choices don’t define you, your friends’ choices don’t define you, neither do your children’s choices define who you are.

1 Peter 2:9

You are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession.

Ephesians 2:10

For we are God’s masterpiece, He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

Deuteronomy 31:8  

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Even though we tend to see ourselves through the lens of those around us and we use others as our mirror, are we going to let our friends, our peers, and our teens tell us who we are, or are we going to let God define who we are?”

The sad part is, that the women with kids who are making good choices can deem themselves “great moms” when in reality, they are getting their identity in the same place–from their kids or their friends.

Dare you to spend more time with God so that you can see your true identity as He created you to be.  Double dare you to not take your identity from your teens success or failure. 

“Let go…and let God”,

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Have you gotten your copy of With All Due Respect yet?  It’s parenting self-discovery training in book form.  If you want someone to walk beside you in your parenting, we hope you’ll join us for the With All Due Respect e-Course.   You’ll be encouraged in your parenting and have opportunity to ask questions.  I’ll be joining you on the journey and can’t wait to meet you.  To take advantage of the discount, click here and enter in the code daretoconnect for a 50% savings for a limited time only.

Also, be sure to sign up for your free Parenting Tips!