Grieving Our Children’s Choices

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As I continue to grieve the loss of my daughter, I’m noticing that I’m choosing to slow life down a bit.  I’m assuming that part of it is that others are giving me space and they understand on some level the complexity of the emotional turmoil that I’m in at the moment. When I feel overwhelmed, or sad, or anxious, or find tears welling up within me, I find myself analyzing the feeling to better understand what is going on deep inside.  I find that my capacity to deal with extraneous frustrations is limited so I selectively pick my next steps knowing what I can handle.

Thinking about the grieving process makes me wonder if we wouldn’t be better served as parents to do the same thing.  After all, not many kids turn out exactly the way we think they should.

What I’ve come to realize is that there are a lot of moms who need to grieve.  Moms who need to grieve what they thought they could have with their kids.

Many have kids that are disrespectful, kids that are making wrong choices, kids who choose not to listen to reason, and kids who are in jail or doing drugs or having sex or — whatever is on your list.  But whatever the expectation in which your child is falling short, as a parent you need to grieve it and move forward in your parenting.

Grief is a process of letting go — letting go of what we had hoped for and accepting what is true.  And I’ll admit that it is hard.

Too many times as parents rather than letting go we choose denial.  Somehow we think that we can fix whatever we think is broken with our child.  We nag, we coerce, we try to reason, and we get emotional.  Acceptance is sometimes a difficult but necessary path to walk if we want a relationship with our child that isn’t filled with a sense of distance fortified with impenetrable walls.

Acceptance doesn’t mean there isn’t pain for you as a parent, but it releases your child to choose their own path.

So how do you grieve the things you’ve hoped for with your child?  How can you turn your frustration into a relationship where you are willing to endure their choices and love them in spite of their actions?

  1. Share your situation with someone safe.  A dear friend, a counselor, or even someone who has walked a similar path with their kids can do wonders for lightening the burden you carry.  Just talking about it will lessen the hold the situation has over you.
  2. Express your feelings.  Sadness, guilt, despair, anxiety, fear, hopelessness, longing, anger, and frustration will overwhelm you at times.  Don’t be afraid to feel.  Let others know what you are experiencing at least in the sense of “I’m going through a tough time right now.” It will normalize the feeling.  I’m finding that when friends text me to check in, I let them know what I’m feeling in the moment and ask them to pray.
  3. Let the tears flow.  Crying helps you heal.  Whether it is with a friend, your spouse, or alone, tears will bring relief.
  4. Let others know your need.  Each of us deals with grief in different ways.  I am finding myself needing time alone and at other times I need to be with people.  I’ve asked friends to go to the store with me, meet me for coffee, and to check in by text.  When someone offers a meal, I accept.  I’m finding that grief zaps my energy, so I’m giving myself permission to accept help from others or decline if I can’t handle what they offer.
  5. Sleep, eat, and do as much of your normal routine as possible.  I’m finding that grief is such an emotional process that I have to be selective with what I can do.  Focus on the basics and do only one thing at a time–but do something.  Don’t totally disengage from the rest of the world.
  6. This is a time to be selfish.  This is something I learned from a very wise pastor.  Grieving needs to be on your terms not what others want to do for you.  The day after my daughters death, friends wanted to be with me, to hug me, to do things for me.  While I appreciated their desire to be there, what I needed was just the opposite.  I needed time to contemplate, rest, and just be with my family.  My desire in the moment was to be mom for my other kids.
  7. Spend time with God.  In the midst of my current circumstances sometimes I feel like my prayers are disjointed.  Sometimes I just ask Him to give my daughter a hug or I write in my journal letting God know that I accept that He is God in my current situation.  I’ve been reading about peace in the midst of difficulty.  Coming to grips with the fact that He is in control takes hard work.  Acceptance is part of the process.
  8. Grow through your experience.  God has given you this trial to bring about incredible transformation in you.  Through your loss of the ideal for your child, you will gain wisdom in learning to overcome and survive.  Once you reach this point you will be better able to love your child unconditionally in spite of their choices.

As I’m writing this, it has occurred to me that this is not the first time I’ve gone through the grieving process with my daughter.  She was that challenging child where I found myself grieving over and over again at various stages of her life.  At some point in my parenting, I chose not to try to change her any more.  The nagging, the coercion, and the getting emotional stopped.  I would still try to reason with her, but when she disagreed I said something like “it makes me sad that these are the choice you’ve decided to make; however, I love you and I accept that they are your choices.” Once I had grieved and accepted that I was not in control, I reached a point where I was able to truly love her unconditionally.  I accepted her for who she was and fully entrusted her to God.

As parents we sometimes need to let go of our expectations for our kids.  We need to grieve our idealistic hopes and dreams so that we can better love these kids that God has given us on loan.  After all, He created them and He has a plan for their lives.

Psalm 23:4

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”  

Isaiah 40:31

“…but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” 

Do we trust Him with His story?

Praying you can…

“Let go…and Let God”,

 Our Small Group Leader’s Guide for With All Due Respect is now available. Want to help moms develop a deeper relationship with God as they create more fulfilling relationships with their teens and tweens?  With All Due Respect was bathed in tears as God walked me through a powerful life-changing process that impacted my relationship with my daughter.  Because of what God taught me through parenting her, other moms can now grow closer to Him as they work through the devotional Dares from this book.  What is more, if you choose to do the book in a group you’ll have opportunity to develop deep connecting relationships with other women who are also on the parenting journey.  

Finding Peace in the Midst of Parenting

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The last two weeks have been a whirlwind.  I’ll admit that I’m having trouble remembering what I’ve done from one day to the next.  Grieving the loss of a child is so very hard and the enemy is relentless in attempting to get me into the pit of despair.  I’m thankful for all of you have who have been there to help carry my burden in the midst of such pain.  The little things–a meal, a text, a card, a donation to a ministry in our daughter’s name, or a response to my blog have been a lifeline to keep me out of the rabbit hole that could swallow me up.  These small things give me peace in the midst of the turmoil in my present circumstances.

As I treasure all of those who have been there for us during a time of death, I am contemplating how we as a body of Christ can be there for each other in a time of life.

I’ve spoken to many parents who are struggling to find peace in the midst of their parenting.  Many have strong-willed children who are determined to control their universe, others have kids who are struggling — peer pressure, sexting, cutting, pornography, alcohol, drugs, sex, pregnancy, same-sex relationships, and the list goes on.  One day we think our NOW is good and the next day brings trouble we can’t even begin to comprehend or explain.

So how do we find peace in the midst of the pain our children sometimes bring to our lives?  How do we deal with our own self-condemnation that we should have been a better parent or this wouldn’t be happening?  How do we deal with a culture (and sometimes church) that wants to blame someone for what our kids are doing — so it must be the parents’ fault?

If you are a parent whose kids seem to “get it” and by the grace of God they are choosing to follow His will, delight in the fact that He has chosen to spare you the pain of suffering through your children.  It can be an overwhelming cross to bare.

But can I ask you to stay here with me for a few minutes?

Can I ask you to  stop a minute and try to put yourself in other women’s shoes?  Can you take a moment and  feel their pain and offer empathy and a shoulder to cry on?  Can I ask each of us as Christian women to carry each other’s burdens?  Can you reach out and listen without condemnation and trying to tell them how to “fix” their parenting problem.  Can we all just listen and feel for our beloved sisters in Christ?

Our pastor said it eloquently at our daughter’s funeral service, “Who’s to blame for a child who is born blind, the child or the parents?”  Jesus answered “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him.” (John 9:3)

Think about that.  When our children make wrong choices they are blind.  They can’t see that they are on a path to destruction.  However, God can use us or them, and even in spite of our choices or their choices, to accomplish His purpose.  He is writing a testimony on our child’s heart and on our heart that He will use for His glory.  

That’s our hope.  That should be our peace.

I’ve been talking to women around the country who feel like they have to hide in the church.  These are the moms whose kids are making choices that are against everything they as a family believe in — yet they don’t feel safe to share their pain even to their church family. How sad.  They feel judged for things beyond their control because to us as Christians their child’s behavior is an unfathomable sin.

There is a lie the enemy wants us as a church to believe.  It is a lie that the enemy wants us to believe as parents.

And that is that our child’s sin is nonredeemable.

The last two weeks I’ve seen what God can do through us in spite of the choices we make.  By the Christian standard my daughter had made more than her  share of wrong choices.  Eventually, her choices caught up with her.  But in spite of her choices, God used her in some pretty incredible ways.  Ways that I would never have dreamed were going on “behind the scenes” of what I saw as her life.

Even in her choices, my daughter led a troubled young woman to Christ and helped her overcome an addiction to cutting.  Even in her own pain, she encouraged a young man by inviting him to her Bible Study group.  This young man now knows Jesus as his Lord and Savior and through her words of encouragement just recorded his first song.  In the midst of trying to find herself, she taught a young girl to braid hair and now this young adult has graduated from cosmetology school.  Because of my daughter’s bent toward helping others, she was ministering to a young woman with downs syndrome taking her into her home to bake and just spending time with her.  Because of her desire to have others know a Jesus who forgives sin, I’ve sat beside sinners in a church pew because she brought them to church desiring for them to find hope.

In spite of our kids’  choices, in spite of our kids’ sin, in spite of the road they choose to travel, God will use even their wrong choices to put them in a place where He can use them.  He’ll use them for His glory.

As for us as parents, we need to look to God for peace in the midst of our parenting chaos.  We need to understand that He is weaving His story and that story might bring pain for us.  We need to cling to a verse in John.

John 10:28-29

“I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand.”

If your kids accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior at a young age, He’s got them even in the midst of the path they’ve chosen as teens.  If not, there is still time for redemption. They may make wrong choices, but don’t we all?  Some of us may struggle with alcohol, some overspending, some anger, some lust, and some self-righteousness, but if we’ve raised them to follow Jesus, He’s got them and He’ll use them in spite of their poor choices–just like He’ll use us.

And that should be our peace.  

God’s got this even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Isaiah 54:10

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

Can you trust Him in the midst of your sorrow?  Can you trust Him with your pain?  If you are fortunate enough to have kids who are, by the grace of God, making wise choices, can you be a beacon of light to a hurting mom who is struggling because of her teen’s path?  Can you choose to let God use you to help other moms feel safe among their church family?

My prayer is that, just like I am trying to do, you will cling to Him for peace in the midst of it all–whatever your parenting struggle and that there will be other Christian moms who will give you a shoulder to cry on.

May you choose His peace as you…

“Let go…and Let God”,

Want to help moms develop a deeper relationship with God as they create more fulfilling relationships with their teens and tweens?  With All Due Respect was bathed in tears as God walked me through a powerful life-changing process that impacted my relationship with my daughter.  Because of what God taught me through parenting her, other moms can now grow closer to Him as they work through the devotional Dares from this book.  What is more, if you choose to do the book in a group you’ll have opportunity to develop deep connecting relationships with other women who are also on the parenting journey.  Check back next week to see how you can get your copy of our small group leader’s guide that will make your small moms group a WOW experience.

 

 

 

 

The Lies of the Enemy

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The week has been overwhelming as we lay our daughter to rest.  The prayers offered up on our behalf, the texts, the phone calls, and the food have all been a blessing — to know we are loved — to know that Andrea was loved and touched so many lives.

Thank you to all of you who have reached out to us.

I’ll admit that when we heard the news of our daughters death, while a shock, it was not a surprise.  For years I have gone to bed with my cell phone turned on next to it.  I wanted to be there for her even in the middle of the night.  She knew that I was only a phone call away if she needed me and at times either she used the lifeline that we extended or others called on her behalf.

As a parent of a challenging child it is easy to go down the path of the shoulda, woulda, couldas — the lies of the enemy.  If only I had done this or said that, things might have been different.

It is easy to play the blame game — remembering those who said something, did something, or didn’t extend the love that we thought they should extend.

But here’s the deal, we aren’t God.  God has a plan with each of our children’s lives.  After all, He created them — challenges and all.

He is the one who is weaving the testimony of our children.  

We don’t have to like it.

We can try to do everything within our power to change it.

But we have to let God be God.

We have to remember that he uses everything, EVERYTHING, for His glory.

As people came to pay their respects to our family on Wednesday evening, I heard lots of coulda, woulda, shouldas from friends and family members.  It is easy to feel the weight of guilt when we see our own sins in light of eternity.  Trust me, I’ve gone down that path too during this trial.  As a parent looking hindsight, there are so many things that I’ve pondered wondering if a different decision, a different word, a different response could have changed the tide that brought us to this moment.

My prayer is that you will seize this opportunity to allow God to change you as a result of our daughter’s death.  Ponder the inner turmoil you are feeling and give response to God in how her life changed you for the better. 

As my boys are grieving the loss of their sister, they’ve brought many things to the surface on choices my husband and I made as parents.  While I’ll admit some of those have a sting to them, I am thankful that they are choosing to voice their questions.  As we remind them that we too did our best parenting before we had kids, the healing process has begun.  We’re the first to admit that we aren’t perfect parents.

But here’s the thing — we don’t know what we don’t know as parents.  Our kids didn’t come with an instruction manual.  And our family is living proof that God doesn’t create all our kids the same.

While my daughter’s death has made me painfully aware of choices I could have made differently as a parent, I am thankful that God allowed me to recognize that relationship begins with me.  It was through the difficulties with my daughter that God has given me opportunity to speak truth to many parents.  The things I’ve learned in the last 10 years in trying a forge a respectful relationship with my daughter in the midst of her struggle have grown me in ways I never dreamed possible.

It is through my struggles as a parent that With All Due Respect was written.  It is the process that transformed me as a mom.  It helped me realize that I only have the ability  to change me and by changing me, I can impact my children in a positive way.  The struggles with my daughter taught me that the way to survive was to have God as my lifeline.

Even through the struggles and Andrea’s untimely death, I am grateful for the gift she gave me.  Because of her I see the world through a whole different lens.  I’ve been given opportunity to touch other parents’ lives who so much want a better life and relationship with their difficult child.  

But the biggest gift of all that she gave me were words she actually spoke to my husband a few months ago, “My mom is my best friend.”  

As moms, isn’t that one of our parenting goals?  My heart rejoices in that at the end, she saw me as her best friend.

While my grieving process began over a decade ago when she chose to move our of our house,  I still need to remind myself in the midst of the last two weeks to…

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

 

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