Learning to Anticipate What’s Next

/2 Comments/in , , , , , , , , /by

I spoke to a mom of a new college student just a few weeks ago.  Her daughter had just come home from college for Christmas break for the first time.  The mom was joy-filled at getting to see her daughter for a couple of weeks, but she talked about how stressful it was on the entire family.  “I’m kind of hoping she’ll decide to get an internship or something for the summer,” she admitted.  “Does that mean I’m a bad mom?”

Most of us don’t know what to expect for those “firsts” that our kids encounter or do we?

Whether it is a driver’s license, a first date, a serious boyfriend, or a holiday home from college, most of us haven’t anticipated our what comes next.  That’s what Dare 23 is all about.  If we are having a sex talk with our daughter after we’ve found out that she’s already been intimate with her boyfriend, that’s when we discover that we haven’t planned far enough ahead.

Most of us are already doing this for the day-to-day of life as a family.  Whether it’s assigned chores or rules that we’ve set in our home with appropriate consequences, we see a need and we put a plan in place to take care of the problem.  You have the skills.  And we know what it takes to get things back on track.

What I’m talking about here are those monumental milestones where things will be different.  It’s anticipating all the conflict that can arise when things are different in your home.  With freedom, our kids will most likely pendulum swing to the far extreme of their grandiose idea of “total freedom” instead of what we as parent’s intended as gradual freedom.

Take my friend, for example.  Her daughter comes home from college with the plan to see all her high school friends.  Late nights (after all, she doesn’t have to study), sleepovers, shopping, a come-and-go-as I please mentality just like she had at college. Meanwhile mom was dreaming of time to bake cookies together and fun trips out–just the two of them–like old times.

Two totally different plans for what Christmas break was going to be like.

The reality was that dad still needed to get up for work every day even though the garage door was opened at 2 am by their unthinking daughter.  The girl’s brother was still in school and trying to study for exams.  With the daughter bringing friends home, the laughing and giggling was making it hard for her son to concentrate.  And mom was frustrated and disappointed that her dreams and expectations from her daughter weren’t turning out as she planned.

Dare 23 is all about the up-front dialogue; planning ahead and anticipating the potential pitfalls.

It’s all about communication — in advance.

My experience with moms is that most of us don’t know what we don’t know so we just let things happen and then deal with the conflict later.  Another thing we fail to do is get dad involved in these monumental decisions and plan together.

Several years ago I was talking to a mom while I was getting my hair cut.  Her first daughter was getting ready to graduate from high school.  This mom announced, “I’ve told my girls that I pay for things until they are 18.  College is on them.  My husband and I have paid for the best private school in the area to help them be successful in life.  What they do with that is up to them.”

Whether you agree with their decision to pay for college or not isn’t the point.  What is important here is that both parents had agreed on a plan up front, they put the plan for college in motion before the girls even took their first step into the halls of the high school, and communication was on-going with every choice the girls made with regard to their college selection.

That’s parenting ahead.

Proverbs 16:9

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.

Proverbs 21:5

The plans of the diligent certainly lead to profit, but anyone who is reckless certainly becomes poor.

Proverbs 21:5 can apply to relationships as well as money.  Our relationships will blossom with our kids if we can anticipate conflict before it happens and begin the communication process early.

Dare you to anticipate the next big milestone with your teens and tweens.  Start the communication process now so they will know what to expect.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Communication is key in all our relationships.  And learning to deflate the defensiveness with our kids and reduce the conflict and stress in our homes is paramount.  Wouldn’t you like to have a more peaceful home where the stress of the day to day interactions can calmly be resolved?  Knowing our kids, anticipating ahead, and making small changes in our communication can have a huge impact with our tweens, teens, and our 20-somethings.  

We’ve put together a training retreat where in three days  you can learn the skills that will radically transform your home.  Not only will we teach you how to implement these new skills, but you’ll have an opportunity to practice them in an encouraging environment away from judgment.  You’ll have time to refresh your soul in a park-like setting where you will be encouraged to unpack the “now” you are in and learn how to start over with a different perspective.

Here’s what women are saying about our Deflating Defensive Training Retreat:

“It was like the light-bulb finally went off! I’ve read a mountain of books, but this approach is different. Learning in-person from the trainers made all the difference.   I wasn’t able to understand until they modeled it for me and gave me someone to mirror. That’s the thing that was life-changing for me!”

“The retreat taught me how to interact positively with family members who have a history of attacking me verbally… I learned the tools to use when this happens. And it worked when a recurring irritant happened just days ago with an important person in my life!”

“I’ve already encouraged my sister to come with me to the next one.” 

We hope you’ll consider joining us this year!  We promise your relationships will grow in ways you never thought possible.

 

Tired of the Conflict with Your Tweens, Teens, & 20-Somethings?

/0 Comments/in , , , , /by

Sitting in his second floor home office, my husband, Dave, heard the scurry of feet with the rolling of what could only be walnuts across the attic floor.  Not wanting to hurt what had to be a pesky squirrel storing his winter stash, my husband did a humane thing.  He bought a trap that would catch the creature live so that he could remove him from the attic.

Three days that cage sat on the attic floor.  The only thing that happened was that the squirrel moved to the other corner of the house above my son’s back bedroom.  Drats!  

The next day, my husband moved the cage out onto the roof beside his office window and watched as the squirrel took his bushy tail, slung it over his head, and backed into the small space where flashing was missing from the attic siding.  It was as if the squirrel was saying, “I’m too smart for you.  You can’t catch me.”

This game went on for almost a week.  The squirrel would even look over the side of the roof into the office window to let Dave know that a squirrel could outsmart a human.  We laughed all week at the shenanigans this squirrel would pull.  At one point we found him with three of his friends perched outside the cage–my husband’s fresh walnut bait missing.

Finally the day arrived.  With one squirrel caged, my husband threw the trap into the car and carted him off to the local park for release.  Off the squirrel ran.

That afternoon Dave trapped two more.  Each release was similar.  He’d open the cage and off the squirrel would run to go find his friends. My husband’s sense of success was showing and I knew he had visions of finally being able to repair the roof flashing.  He had finally outsmarted these rascals.

The next morning, squirrel number four had met his fate.  Caged and carted to the park, my husband released the squirrel just like the rest.  But this squirrel was different.  He didn’t run off thrilled at the sight of freedom.  This squirrel slowly sauntered out of the cage, turned and stood on his hind legs as he barked at my husband for several minutes. 

Dave froze.  

“Oh, my,” was going through my husband’s mind.  “What do I do if he attacks?  I should have planned better for an exit strategy!”

Sometimes our conflict with teens can be similar to the one Dave had with the squirrels.  Our kids have an idea that doesn’t match up with ours.  We try to do the humane thing and reason with them, but just like squirrels, our teens don’t think like we do.

Then comes what I call the ‘ganging up’.  If you’ve got tweens and teens you know what I’m talking about.  The “but EVERYONE is going” card that is played can make us feel as if we are the only parent on the planet that is thinking that the answer should be “no”. 

Do you know how to handle those situations in a way that will deflate the anger and frustration with your kid?

And then there is that ‘screaming squirrel’ or difficult kid that will bark at us when he’s angry and not getting his way.  These are the kids that force us into the freeze position.  It’s where we don’t want to make a move for fear of what will happen if we make the wrong decision. 

If you are like me, sometimes you’ve found yourself in any of these positions.  We want a relationship.  We think we are being reasonable.  Yet, our kids don’t see things the same way.  As conflict brews we need to have a strategy–a plan to move through the defensive behavior while still maintaining the relationship.  We also need to be able to maintain a sense of humor in the situation.  After all, yes, our kids might pull some shenanigans, but we are still the parents.

Dare 22 in With All Due Respect has a strategy for dealing with sibling conflict.  How did they learn it?  It’s obvious that Mom had put a plan in place before the conflict occurred.  She modeled what healthy conflict looked like and was there to coach through the situation.

Do you know how to navigate conflict well?  Do your relationships deepen as you work to resolve your differences?  

If you are like most of us, it’s a struggle.  Just like parenting, conflict resolution is not one of the things that we’re taught in school.  If your parents didn’t resolve conflict well, then most likely you’ve not been given the skills to help your kids.

God has given each of us a mission field when it comes to our kids.  And if you are like me, you want most to hear Him say “Well done my good and faithful servant”.  I would encourage you to pray about sharpening your conflict resolution skills–for you and for the legacy you will leave for your kids.

I have two opportunities for you. 

Our With All Due Respect on-line eCourse runs January 8 through March 28, 2018.  There you can join other moms from the convenience of your home computer as we go through the book.  You can set your own schedule as to when you access the videos and other training materials.  I’ll be there along with our mentor, Sandi Winnen.  We promise you encouragement as you put your parenting strategy in place for dealing with your tweens, teens, and 20-somethings.  Iron sharpens iron and as parents we need other like-minded people walking beside us. If your kids are between the ages of 9-29, this group is for you.

Proverbs 15:22

Plans fail for lack of counsel,
but with many advisers they succeed.

If you want to forge the relationship with your kids and get more in-depth learning in how to better deal with conflict and handle difficult relationships more effectively, we have a Deflating Defensiveness Training Retreat coming up May 30-June 3, 2018 near Cincinnati, Ohio.  This is an opportunity for you to learn, practice, and put a plan in place for strengthening the relationships with the “challenging people” in your life.  I found out Friday that the early-bird pricing has been extended until January 31, so grab your spot early since our private rooms are limited. 

Proverbs 16:3 

Commit to the Lord whatever you do,
and he will establish your plans.

I hope that whether you choose to join us or not that you will think about the conflict in your home.  Put together a plan that will help you resolve it well.

“Let go…and Let God”,