Does Your Family Have Free Time?

Reading through an assignment for her small group on Tuesday morning, Alison was surprised at the emotion she was feeling. It had been years since her kids were that young. In fact, all her children were in college now. But, oh, how she would have done things differently! She wished she had created time to stain that play set. She wished she had planned their family time better. She wished that she had not bought into the lie that she needed to always keep her kids busy during the tween and teen years “so they wouldn’t get into trouble.”

As she sat there deep in thought the memories came flooding back–especially the warnings she had chosen to ignore.

She remembered a time when she and Mary Anne sat on the playground with their younger children while each of their older sons were practicing soccer. The season had been coming to an end and both moms had been ready for a slower pace. The coach had pulled a couple of the parents aside to offer their sons a place on a select team the following year. “Your boys are ready!” he said. “I hope they’ll choose to play with us. Let me know by the end of the week. We’ll probably practice some until it gets too cold.”

Alison had talked to several of the parents about what their decision would be for the coming season. Most of the parents were excitedly signing up for the opportunity for more playing time for the boys. They felt honored that their sons were “chosen” for the select team. Mary Ann had a different perspective though.

“What? You’re not going to let him play?” Alison couldn’t believe what Mary Ann was saying to her!

“No, Ryan and I are going to take Lily’s advice. You know Lily don’t you? She’s the woman down the street with the boys that are grown. Anyway, one day we had lunch together and she said if she could do one thing over as a parent, she would hold off on the intensive sports as long as possible. In fact, she said she would have really scrutinized the number of activities her children were allowed to be involved in.”

“Why’s that?”

“She told me–family time. She felt like she was a marionette to her kid’s sports and activities schedules and she wished she had carved out more family time. She said she wished her family hadn’t always been in a mad rush to get to the kids’ events.”

Alison remembered blowing off Mary Ann’s comment about Lily’s advice. Alison knew her own children. She wanted them to be the best they could be; so she signed their son up for the select team.

As she continued to sit with her assignment opened, tears started rolling down her cheeks. She quickly brushed them away. It was so sad to think of what could have been. Just last week she had seen the neighbors down the street frantically trying to load the three kids in two different cars so they could be at two separate games at the same time. With Mom heading one direction and Dad heading another, poor little Samuel was having to choose which parent he would go with. She heard him begging to go to a friend’s house instead while his mom yelled at him to get in the car or else!

“Sports were good for kids,” she thought to herself. “It’s just that we chose to do too much.  Oh how I wish we had put limits on them.  Maybe there would be friendship between the siblings now if I had done things differently.  All they seem to do is be on the go.  I guess that’s what I taught them.”

Rushing…rushing…rushing seemed to be the pace of their lives once the kids hit junior high and high school. There was no time to model what family was all about. There was little time to do family things outside of the kids’ activities. If she had to do over, Alison would have saved time and taught the kids the joy of serving others–like staining the play set–together–to surprise dad!  She would have found time to show them that the family was not only about getting them where they needed to be for their activities, but that life was also about balance–taking time to contemplate and enjoy each other.

As Alison was sitting there thinking about what could have been, she wished she had taken heed to Ephesians 5:15 at the time.

Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise,

As parents of tween and teens, we sometimes forget that others have walked before us and have wisdom beyond where we are at the moment. We buy into the lies of the culture that our kids need to spend every waking moment being busy and that we as parents need to allow it.

Dare you and your spouse to start talking about what the family needs rather than planning life around all the kids’ activities. Why not find a project to do together or serve someone else?

“Let go…and let God”,

He Wants a Tattoo? Don’t Panic.

“Mom, can I get a tattoo? It’s a really big deal. All the guys on the squad have one.” Oh my, the dreaded words.

As the mother of four with this one being my oldest, a 17 year old son, it was a big deal! I wanted to scream at him, “No way!” Typical parent thoughts coursed through my mind, “You’ll be scarred for life! What will people think? I won’t be able to stand looking at you with that thing.” Somehow, in the course of this conversation, I managed to keep my cool. Maybe it was because he had so calmly asked the question. Maybe it was because I knew he couldn’t get one without my help since he was underage. Ha! I was in a position of power!

“Hmm,” I calmly responded. “Why is it a big deal?” We then dialogued about why it was so important to him.

“Don’t you need a parent signature since you are under 18?” I managed without a whisper of sarcasm.

Luckily, I had an out, “Guess your dad and I need to talk about this one.”

As my husband and I spoke about the situation wondering how we should approach it without alienating our son, we did several things that helped determine our response. The first thing we did was agree that we did not want him to get the tattoo. Yeah, we could issue a dictatorial response, but was it a hill worth dying on? Was it something that our son would hold against us in years to come? Would the decision potentially set a precedent that might impact our other children? Oh my, such heavy questions we were beginning to embark on in our parenting journey.

I know that some of you are out there saying “WHAT? YOU EVEN CONSIDERED SAYING YES? YOU MUST BE OUT OF YOUR MIND!” But please, hang in here with me. As we began the prayer vigilance seeking God for guidance, I started the research. Ugh! It would have been so much easier if God had just said… “Thou shalt not get a tattoo”. Meanwhile, my husband set off to discuss it with friends who had already been down this path, hoping to get perspective.

We continued to discuss the topic with our son, not making it an issue between us…but with sincere concern as to what was best for him. He had his opinion; we had ours. We learned all the reasons this was a big deal for him. The dialogue became similar to one with an adult friend. Back and forth…things we understood…things we were having difficulty with.

We agreed to give him our decision in a few weeks after we returned from vacation. That would give us some “fun, connecting” time before we gave him our “No”. You know, the let them down easy “no”.

As we enjoyed the beach together, my husband and I agreed that our son was really maturing well. For the most part he seemed to be making good decisions. How badly would our decision impact our relationship?

And then my husband and I did the unbelievable, the unthinkable, the ‘whatever possessed us to do this’ thing… WE WENT TO VISIT A TATTOO PARLOR!

It was really quite by accident. While hanging around the dock with the kids off doing water sports, we saw it…a Tattoo Parlor on the corner…within walking distance. Knowing there was absolutely no way anyone would recognize us, we went in to look at tattoo drawings. As I walked into the shop, I kept thinking, “Father, forgive me…I know not what I am doing!” Standing there among several employees with more color on their skin than I have in my wardrobe, I sheepishly asked prices and told the girl behind the counter what we were considering for our 17 year old. She immediately had the owner to come speak with us.

As we explained our dilemma, I then asked him, “What would you say if this was your kid?” I have no idea what possessed me to ask an artist such a stupid question, but he looked just a few years younger than me. “Maybe he had kids of his own?” I thought skeptically.

Surprise of all surprises, he responded, “You’re the first person to ever come in here to ask me that! There’s no way I’d let a kid of mine get a tattoo until they’re at least 25, especially a male. Their body changes too much with muscle growth that skews the artwork, they also haven’t figured out who they are and what is important to them. If it was my kid, I’d say no.”

SHOCK resonated within me as my husband and I left. Speechless, but absolutely delighted, we laughed our way out of the shop. God had given us plenty of ammunition to back up our response!

As my husband and I sat down to discuss our decision with our son, we gave him both a biblical response and an expert’s response. Knowing why this was such a big deal to him, we created him an out. “Son, here’s the deal. No, we are not going to sign for you get a tattoo now and we’ve outlined the reasons why. If you will wait until you are 25 to get a tattoo and you still want one, I’ll pay for it,” responded his dad.

“No matter how big?” he asked.

“Ask me when you are 25.”

YES, it was a gamble. YES, we might later have to eat our words. But we were willing to take a risk at more maturity in eight years.

(FAST FORWARD to six months before his 25th birthday.)

I decided that I really didn’t want to deal with any surprises for his birthday. I had no idea what tattoos were costing these days and I certainly needed time to get used to the idea of my son with a tattoo. “Honey,” I ventured, “your 25th birthday is right around the corner. Have you given any thought to whether you still want that tattoo we offered?”

“You’ve got to be kidding, Mom. Of course, I don’t want a tattoo. You’re off the hook.”

As I sighed with relief, I kept remembering a scripture verse, No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV

BOTTOM LINE: We are sometimes tempted to respond to our children’s requests with a resounding “no” when the relationship would be better served in letting them know we will respectfully consider their requests. If you do, maybe God will provide a way to let you off the hook.

Dare you to pause in your response to your child’s next earthshattering request and create dialogue instead of anger.

Double dare you to send me your earthshattering parenting situations. Maybe I’ll have a story that will give you hope!

Enjoy the journey!

“Let go…and Let God”


Do Your Kids Trust You?

Late in the day, I received a text about my on-line purchase.  I had been tracking it since early morning.  I had gone out to my front porch several times and even out to the mailbox  in anticipation of its arrival.   The tracking service had even said it had arrived in the vicinity and would be delivered today. As I looked at the latest text it read:

Undelivered – no one available to sign.  Notice left on door.  Will try again Monday. Read more