When Kids Are Breaking the Rules and You Seem to Have No Authority

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My heart breaks for parents who are struggling with their teens.  Most have us have had those fleeting thoughts of “I just wish they would move out”, but we quickly come to our senses.  Sometimes we think that it would be easier if they were gone, but we know deep down that they aren’t ready and we realize that we still have a legal and moral responsibility to our children until our teens reach the age of adulthood.  And  most of the time whatever we are experiencing is just a phase that will dissipate in a matter of time and maturity.

But I too know that sometimes parents get to a place where they feel like they are just biding their time and being held hostage until they can kick their teens out.  These are the tough parenting trenches where it feels like hope is lost and we can’t seem to find our way.  This is when we’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work.  Defiance, wrong choices, broken rules, and an attitude of “you can’t tell me what to do” can bring parents to a breaking point and destroy a family.

I’ve been asked many times how to discern if the time is right to actually pull the trigger and push them out of the nest.

Why?

Because I have been there.

Trust me when I say that making that decision is not trivial.  It needs to be prayerfully considered not based on what we feel but based on what is right for the entire family.  Know that it can have potential to affect your relationship for a lifetime and should be well executed and not done in the heat of a battle.  How our kids perceive our action can have negative consequences that can affect their future in many ways.  It can also have lasting impact on siblings and even ourselves if not handled in a well thought out and respectful way.

For us personally, thankfully, we had the coaching of a wise counselor who walked us through the process when we were at the end of our rope.  We were careful to make the process a choice rather than an action foisted upon our wayward teen.  It took time, thought, and deep introspection on our part as to whether or not we could or should go through with it.  In the end, the execution of the action resulted in a decision with which we could all live–not just my husband and I, but each member of our family.

So what are some questions you and your spouse might want to ask yourselves to see if this is really a path you should even consider heading down?

  1. How old is your child and how long would you have to endure until they are ready to function as an adult on their own?  Our counselor told us that for most kids that would be somewhere between the ages of 18 and 21 based on maturity, whether they could keep a job, and their potential of finding a place to live.
  2. What impact is this teen’s actions having on siblings?  Perhaps there is bullying involved, or sharing of too much information on more mature topics such as sex, drugs, stealing, or other inappropriate character issues.  Is this teen dragging siblings down the wrong path with them?  If so, the future of younger siblings could potentially be in danger.
  3. Are you and your spouse on the same page?  If not, don’t do it. And here’s why.  If the two of you are at odds with an action that involves your teen, then maybe you should be focusing on your marriage.  I know that might seem like a harsh statement; however, taking such a strong stance without your spouse’s buy-in will most likely lead to more marital stress and distrust.  If something goes wrong, it will be natural to blame the other person.
  4. Are there drugs or alcohol involved that are impacting the teens reasoning?  As parents we have the authority to help our kids through counseling and even inpatient programs.  This should be our first step prior to any thought of kicking our kids out.
  5. Have you tried counseling or intervention?  Sometimes an outside perspective can help both your teen and you.  Our counselor refused to see our teen without seeing my husband and I together.  This gave him a more objective view and he was able to open our eyes to things we weren’t seeing.  Some counselors work in pairs.  One counselor works with the teen while another counselor works with the parent and these counselors work in tandem on a weekly basis to move the family forward.
  6. Does the situation and the potential risk of not moving the teen out of your home outweigh the potential consequences and fallout from the action?  In other words, is there more potential for harm to your other kids and you if you don’t take this action?
  7. Can you live with the potential consequences?  Kicking our kids out of the house has emotional baggage for our kids and for us.  Ask yourself:  How would I feel if this child never spoke to me again?  How would I feel if this child was living on the streets?  How would I feel if for some reason this child died?  Could I live with myself if something horrific happened as a result of my action?

I know that this is a heavy subject for most parents, but it seems that the questions are coming up more and more.  If you are wondering what you can possibly do to move your teen forward, feel free to reach out.  I’ve been coaching parents through the process for several years.  And I’m happy to say, that as of today, not one parent has actually had to kick their kid out.

There is hope.

1 Thessalonians 5:21

  But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good

Next week I’ll walk you through a process that will ease your mind if you determine that it is time to change the locks and force your child to grow up.  Until then, know that I’m praying for those that are facing these decisions of heartache.  I’m here if you need me.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

 

 

When Tempers Flare – Part 2

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In looking at taming the wild beast within us when our temper starts to flare so that we don’t wound the ones we love, we need to take a step back and look at the goal we want in our relationships.

As you think of your own conflicts, what is the goal?

To get your way?  To make sure the other person does what you ask them?  To win?  To make sure you are heard?  To retaliate for the things that you are feeling because of the other person’s poor choice of words?

If you choose to look at conflict in a different way and recognize the signals your body brings when things begin to escalate, you have a better chance of thinking clearly and moving the other person to either your way of thinking or a blended solution rather than ticking them off to the point of frustration.

Whether it be the one-upmanship of verbal blows between husband and wife or the anger that resonates from a parent when a tween or teen pushes the limit, we have an opportunity to choose to recreate an environment that will bring harmony and trust with our family members rather than turning our home into a battle ground which pushes the other person away.

Most people learn their conflict skills from watching their parents fight.  Think about that.  Two separate families’ baggage from previous generations have the ability to derail families based on their skill level when the heat is on.  The divorce rates in America tell us how we’ve done in that area.

What if we, as a body of women, choose to learn the skills to do conflict well in our marriages and in our parenting?  We could change the course of the family for our offspring.  We could turn our conflict into connection that deepens the relationship.

So what does that look like?

Let’s assume that your spouse or teenager has just said something that riles you up.  What should you do?

  1. TAKE INVENTORY of you.  What do you feel?  A tightening of your chest.  Adrenaline rushing through your body?  A searing thought of how dare they talk to me that way?  Whatever it is just recognize it knowing that you have the ability to get it under control.
  2. BREATHE.  Deep breaths have the ability to calm your central nervous system.  Don’t speak or retaliate.  Just breathe.
  3. LET their words spew.
  4. LISTEN.  Remember harsh words and anger may have nothing to do with you. Maybe something happened at school or work today.  You just happen to be the target because they need to take their frustration out on someone.   At other times, it could be a result of something you’ve done or not done.  Listening helps us discern truth in their anger.  It allows us to admit fault and apologize if need be.
  5. AFTER they are finished, say something like.  “Wow, I’ve obviously really upset you.  I’m sorry.  You are right, I did __________.”  Or, if you are not at fault, start in the same manner but change the ending.  “Wow, I’ve obviously really upset you.  I’m sorry.  Do you think you can calm down enough to talk about this now or should we talk about it after dinner? I really want to hear what you have to say.”

So here should be the real goal in any conflict.  You want to make sure you are fully honest and fully respectful.  It doesn’t matter if it is your husband, your teen, your twenty-something, or your best friend.  Conflict needs respect and honesty.

So let’s think through the questions in my last post.

Dodging the landmines and pitfalls of conflict in your home doesn’t mean becoming a doormat.  Being silent and allowing your husband or children berate you doesn’t build trust or intimacy.  Walking away from the conflict actually pushes the person away emotionally  just as much as engaging in unhealthy patterns of conflict.  Setting the stage for respectful disagreement will actually build trust in the relationship.

While your feelings of hurt and frustration are bound to get riled as you listen to the criticism and harsh words of your loved one, recognize that your spouse or child hasn’t learned effective conflict communication skills yet.  You are their teacher.  Remind yourself that this is a learning process, the other person does love you, and by you changing the patterns of communication, everyone will benefit.

Revenge is something that most of us have struggled with in the past.  But to build intimacy in our home, we have to remember

I Peter 3:9 CEB

Don’t pay back evil for evil or insult for insult. Instead, give blessing in return. You were called to do this so that you might inherit a blessing.

Remember that rational dialog can only come after emotions have been soothed and anger has turned to calm.  Sometimes you may need to take several “time outs” before the situation can really be resolved.

We have to learn how to manage conflict well in order to build trust and intimacy in our homes.  While it isn’t always easy, and we will mess up, if we choose to work hard at trying to make some changes, it will not only increase the passion in our marriages but will serve as a model for our future generations.

I love how the woman who so bravely shared her struggle in my last post, summed up what we are trying to teach through The Respect Dare, With All Due Respect, Daughters of Sarah, and Generations.

It is because of all of  (the skills) that we can go from knife-throwing to talking to laughing to snuggling. We can simmer down and ground ourselves once more.

This group and the experiences before it have preemptively saved my marriage. We are going to have moments like these again and God-willing we’ll be able to make it right when it happens. But what about others? For those who do not have the tools, what will happen to them?

If you struggle in this area, why not consider doing a small group in your home using The Respect Dare book or With All Due Respect book.  Both of these will help you build skills that will have an impact on your marriage and your family.

Hope you’ll start adding these tools to your toolbox.

“Let go…and let God,”

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When Tempers Flare – Part I

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Nothing spurs me on more than interacting with a wife and mother who “gets it”.  Notice I didn’t say, “always gets it right”.  It’s just that she recognizes that something needs to change in the communication with her husband and her kids.  And if this mom had teenagers, I’m guessing she would become painfully aware of how communication can get out of control when her kids frustrate the her beyond her breaking point.

My words of advice and encouragement to all of you who have children is learn this skill now. And know that wherever you are in the journey, it isn’t too late.

This dear friend sent a Facebook message when she was hurting.  The fight was over, but the words continued to sting.

Still reeling from the conflict she shares her heart:

What do we do when communication fails? I’m not looking for a judge’s ruling. I see both sides clearly and I know now where we went off-road.

“You’re not the boss of me.” “I don’t report to you.” “Your head is thick.” “Stop acting like a martyr.” “I’m not doing anything wrong.” “You half-assed what I asked of you.”

This is real. Knives straight to the heart because of what…miscommunication. This is why a happy marriage falls to ruin. We are human. We make many, many mistakes. We say things we shouldn’t and hurt loved ones in the process. Our blood boils over and we lose rationality.

My heart aches for her.  When tempers flare and the adrenaline starts pumping, most of us gush out words with venom. Somewhere within us that saber-toothed tiger aggression unleashes and we have no idea where it came from until it’s too late.  It is amazing how when the tension dies down and time settles the dust, we are able to see “where we went off-road” as this woman so eloquently describes.

If you are like me, you’ve been in the situation that this woman describes, oh, so many times.  Personally, I didn’t know how to reign it in.  All I knew was that I needed to make it stop. When anger welled up inside me I seemed to have a faulty gauge that couldn’t tell when I was about to blow!

And then came that one definable moment.

It was a teenager moment.  A definitive point in time where I was bound and determined that this teen would obey me.  Sarcastic words from a child determined to get her way  drove my anger gauge to boiling.  As she reached for the in-home phone that was mounted on the wall, after I had explicitly said “you may not call someone to come get you”, I was determined in my heart to win the battle. As this teen lunged for the phone, I reached it first.  Thinking it would easily slip off the wall bracket, I proceeded to rip it from the wall.

Horror gripped my heart.  My teen was not the only one out of control, so was I.

Now, mind you, I realize that these were not misused words here on my part.  The vocal venom was purely from the mouth of my child.  But I was participating. I was reacting to the aggression.

As I crumpled to the floor in disbelief, holding the phone, tears streaming down my cheeks in shock at my reaction, my teen marched out the front door in the dark, pouring rain.  The realization that I could bring such an ugly reaction to prove that I had authority over a child that I dearly loved, sent me on a path to try to understand how I could even begin to think about behaving in such an overpowering way.

And that was the problem.

I wasn’t thinking.

I had not predetermined the boundaries in my mind to set myself up for success during these trying times.  I didn’t know where the line was that should never be crossed.  I didn’t understand the need to recognize the signs my body went through before I reached that boiling point.  And the truth is that if I had learned those skills before I had tweens and teens, I would have been better equipped to handle that definable moment that would have negated the need for drywall repair and the purchase of a new home phone.

So how is it that some women have the ability to dodge the landmines and pitfalls of conflict that are naturally part of marriage and parenting without being a doormat?  What tool is in their tool boxes that allows them to not feel the sting of  those hurtful daggers thrown from a husband or angry teen?  How do they manage to “get it under control” and not return evil for evil?  How can they turn the scorn that they most likely feel and calm the situation enough to have rational dialogue?

Ephesians 4:29

Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.

The bottom line is that how we manage conflict determines the level of trust and intimacy we create in our homes.

Stay tuned to my next post to learn the tools of successful communication so that knives will not pierce the hearts of those you love.

“Let go…and let God,”

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6 Things I Learned from an Embarrassing Kid Moment

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Have you ever wished you were invisible because your tween or teen did something that embarrassed you?  Trust me when I say that I’ve been there on more than one occasion.  With four teens under my roof at one time, there was plenty of opportunity for me to encounter situations where my teens didn’t use their best judgment.

I remember one time when my daughter was in junior high.   She got into our minivan wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants as we headed to a home school skating party.  The dress code for these events tended to be fairly conservative and I remember thinking at the time that she would probably get hot in the rink since it was unseasonably warm.  And wouldn’t you know it, halfway through the two-hour skate time, I overheard a couple of moms asking who that girl was out on the skate floor. 

The talk continued about how they couldn’t believe a mother would ‘let her child out of the house like that’ when someone came over to me and said, “Isn’t that your daughter?”

Sure enough my daughter was skating with a boy in short shorts and a spaghetti strap top that barely covered her blossoming figure.  I was embarrassed beyond belief.

If only I could have been swallowed up by the floor at that moment.

You see, I’m a rule follower.  Rule followers feel like they are being accosted when someone points out something that their kids are doing wrong.  And like those other moms said, “How could a mother let her child out of the house wearing that?”

In that moment, as a mom, I didn’t feel safe.  I felt like a terrible parent.  I just knew that others were blaming me for my child’s choices.

I believed the lie that if my children weren’t being obedient and following the rules, then I must be a failure as a parent.

Looking back on that scenario, thankfully, I can laugh about it now.  Kids will do the darnedest things. 

So what have I learned from that story?

  1. My children will make decisions over which I have no control.  I can either take them personally, as if I should be in control, or I can use the opportunity to teach my kids appropriate behavior so they learn from their mistakes.  The question is whether I address them from a place of humiliation (which breeds anger) or a place of grace.
  2. Society as a whole tends to judge our actions as parents when our kids make wrong decisions.  Instead of parenting from a position of ‘you have embarrassed me’, I choose to parent from a place of humility.  After all, I’ve made wrong choices in my lifetime as well.
  3. I need to surround myself with “safe” women.  That means finding other moms where I can be real and not have to pretend that I’m perfect because the other moms do the same.
  4. I can choose compassion when I see other moms struggling with wayward teens.  If I go out of my way to bring a word of hope and encouragement to these moms, maybe one day when she looks back she can laugh at the choices her child has made.
  5. God uses our children to refine us and sometimes we have to decide if we will listen to His voice, our own voice, or the voices of those around us.
  6. The choices our children make are not about us.  These moments are about Him.  Will I represent Him well in front of my teen?

John 16:33

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Dare you to go out of your way to encourage the mom of a tween or teen who is making poor choices.  Pray for her and her family situation.  Be that “safe” person who offers compassion to her sometimes dark and fear-filled world.  As a friend once said, “If you do, you’ll be Jesus with skin on to her.”

“Let go…and Let God”,

If you are a mom who needs support as your parent, we have an opportunity for you.  Find a group of “safe” moms and go through With All Due Respect together.  It’s a place where you will find encouragement and hope as you parent through the trials.

Are You Teaching Your Kids Gratitude?

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This has been a really rough week for me.  It was the two year anniversary of my daughter’s death and I’ll admit that her passing will forever leave a scar on my heart.  

Over the last 13 years I’ve spent countless hours coaching moms who are are lost in the quagmire of disbelief in what their kids are doing.  Many of their kids are doing drugs.  As parents we don’t want to imagine our kid would choose drugs and it takes us a while to even comprehend the extent of our situation.  We rationalize that we can fix it.  What we don’t realize is that the drugs alter our child’s brain in such a way that it typically throws the entire family into a crazy cycle that overtakes our lives before we even recognize it.  As my husband used to say, “It’s the first thing we talk about in the morning, and the last thing we talk about at night.”

If you are dealing with a kid on drugs, feel free to reach out to me.  I’ve walked the path and might have insight that you have not considered.  It is the legacy I want to leave as I reconcile within myself why God has allowed my journey to be so full of pain.

But what does this have to do with gratitude?

What I’ve learned is that gratitude can have an impact on us when we are dealing with difficult situations.  It’s brain altering.  Research has shown that being thankful can give us a sense of well-being and improve our physical health.  And when we are in the pit of despair isn’t that just what we need?  Why wouldn’t we want to take advantage of this way of thinking as well as pass the art of being grateful on to our kids?  After all, it’s cheaper than paying for counseling or going to the doctor.

So as I coach hurting parents, I’ve made it my mission to find something positive for them to focus on rather than the craziness of their world.  What can they be thankful for?  And part of our process is focusing on gratitude.  

So this week especially, I’ve focused on what I can be thankful for as I’ve contemplated by daughter’s death.  It is a tribute to her in what God has been doing in my life — and what He did through her and the lives she touched.

  • I’m thankful for the texts, the cards, and flowers of friends who remembered Andrea.  Only God could have made sure that several stargazer lillies were in the pink bouquet mix — my daughter’s favorite.
  • I’m thankful that God has brought joy through a 17 month-old grandson who kept me laughing on my day of remembering.
  • Thank you, Lord, that my daughter-in-law has been staying with us the last several weeks.  It is amazing how You brought her into my life from Germany and transplanted her in Cincinnati at a time when I needed a daughter to love.
  • I’m grateful for the stories that have come out of nowhere from my three boys this week.  They’ve been reminders that I was a good mother and came just when I wanted to doubt myself.

And what about you?  What can you be grateful for even if you have a son or daughter on drugs?  Can you be thankful that you are in contact with them?  Thankful that they are alive?  Thankful for what God will do in your life as a result of the trial?

And if you don’t have a child into drugs, can you praise God for that?  

No matter how difficult our circumstances, scripture says to praise Him.

I know it is easy to get frustrated with our tweens and teens.  We want to fix them, make them grow up, and sometimes wonder how they can do such stupid things.  Can we praise God in the midst of the frustration?  Can we just laugh at some of the things they think or do?  Laughter lowers our blood pressure and reduces stress. 

We need to laugh often as we raise our teens in order to survive.

The next step is to share with our kids what we are thankful for.  Sometimes I do it as I pray out loud with my kids at the dinner table, “Lord, thank you that ______ got that speeding ticket today.  Use it as a reminder the next time he realizes he is going over the speed limit.”  Another way is to just say something like, “Honey, I’m so glad your accident was only a fender bender and you weren’t hurt.  We have a lot to be grateful for.”

Another thing you might consider is a gratitude night around the dinner table.  Everyone takes a turn sharing 2-3 things they are thankful for during the week.  It is amazing what happens to the family dynamics when we start sharing the positives rather than staying focused on the terrible things that happen in our lives.

Psalm 34:1-4 (TLB)

I will praise the Lord no matter what happens. I will constantly speak of his glories and grace.  I will boast of all his kindness to me. Let all who are discouraged take heart.  Let us praise the Lord together and exalt his name.  For I cried to him and he answered me! He freed me from all my fears. 

Praising God in the midst of the pain.  And feel free to share my story with other moms who trying to face their own difficult reality.

“Let go…and Let God”,