Identity Crisis?

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One of our jobs as parents is to nurture our kid’s sense of identity.  Through the time we spend with them our kids learn who they are, what they’re good at, as well as our family’s belief system.  They develop a mental image of who they are as they receive feedback from the world around them.  It is through rejection, mistakes, and failure that our kid’s learn to train their brain to think differently and manage their emotions.  Hopefully, we have within us as parents to provide refuge and acceptance that our kids learn that no matter what they do, they’ll always be accepted by family.

It’s called unconditional love.

As our kids start moving into the tween and teen years, their desire is to fit in and be accepted by their peers.  These years become critical as they want to be part of the popular group or known for their prowess on the soccer field or in the classroom.  Most kids want to be more than “average” and our job as parents is to actually help our kids to find their place in this world even though culture would tell us that we need to be pushing for “the top of the class” or the “most valuable player.”

After all, the majority of all of us are just that.  Average.  Sure, we might excel in one area or another.  But in reality, God created us by His design to do what He has called us to do.

Most of us continue to tell our kids “You can be anything you want to be”.  But is that really true?  And is that the message we want to send?

I’m guessing a lot of the kids who have graduated from college in the last few years have gotten a dose of reality that everyone can’t be anything they want, especially given the recent job market.  I’ve watched college grads take jobs they are overqualified for and parents saddled with college debt their kids can’t pay back.

I’ve watched as we as parents have become a generation so involved in helping our kids reach their potential that we forget what belongs to our child and what is ours to own.

Maybe we are the ones with the identity crisis.

Is our identity wrapped up in our kid’s activities?  In their behavior?

What will happen to us as moms when our kids leave our home?

Our kids are the most precious thing that we have.  But are they ours?

I had someone in our With All Due Respect eCourse say it best, “As moms we are the steward, not the owner.”  If only we could remember that as we choose to not wrap our identity up in our kids.  It’s our job to help our kids see who God created them to be and  to show our kids that God has purpose for us as individuals.  Our teen needs to see us as separate from them. And while we will always want relationship with them, our job is to launch.

If we are two separate beings that God created to serve two different purposes, what are you as a mom doing to help your child see your sense of identity outside of being a mother?  Yes, we are to nurture, train, encourage, clothe, feed, and do all the things that mothers do.  But who are we outside of that role?

Are we so focused on them, that we forget about us?  How can we give them a sense of identity (strengths, God given design for that child, and a reality of who God created them to be) if we are focused on pushing them toward success while we’ve forgotten who we are outside of being mom and making our child be all that we think he should be?

Ephesians 2:10

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” 

Philippians 1:6

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Dare you to have a conversation with your tweens and teens to talk about identity.  How do they see themselves?  How do they see you?  Once you’ve had time to consider the conversation, start a spiritual dialogue about their identity in Christ and who He wants them to be.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Communication is key in all our relationships.  And learning to reduce the conflict and stress in our homes is paramount.  Wouldn’t you like to have a more peaceful home where the stress of the day to day interactions can calmly be resolved?  Knowing our kids, anticipating ahead, and making small changes in our communication can have a huge impact with our tweens, teens, and our 20-somethings.  

If you’d like to learn more about how to have a peaceful home, contact me at debbiehitchcock@gettingperspective.com and we’ll set up a time to talk. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s Your Parenting Perspective?

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In the midst of a pandemic I see fear almost everywhere I turn.  From the grocery store isles with people backing away so others don’t get too close, to the salons with plastic shower curtains creating the great divide, the need for hope is apparent.  This post isn’t about whether we should be firm in isolating our kids or allowing them to go on with life as if nothing is happening in this crazy world we live in.  It is about looking at our perspective as parents.

Perspective is all about the lens we see life through.  Let’s face it, if we have blue colored lenses, we see blue; if we look through green colored lenses we see green. 

Our perspective is based on our values, our life experiences, and what our parents and teachers have taught us.

Are we living in fear?

Are we allowing our kids to be kids?

Are we so focused on their well-being and future success that we forget to laugh with them? 

Are we so focused on what could happen, that we forget to savor the moments?

I ran across a post on a FaceBook page the other day and got permission from Jason Hartanov to share part of it.  It’s one perspective on life as a parent.

 

TO THE KIDS WHO TP’D (toilet papered) MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT

–Thank you for restoring my hope in the youth

–Thank you for bringing fun in a way too serious world

–Thank you for finding a great use of the excess toilet paper people bought during Covid

–Thank you for allowing me to bring tolerance to an increasingly intolerant society

–Thank you for targeting my house because you like my daughters 

–Thank you for making me smile and reminding me of the best days of my childhood

–Thank you for giving us all a break from the issues in this world

–Thank you for bringing light in the darkness

THANK YOU FOR BEING KIDS

THANK YOU FOR MODELING PLAY

THANK YOU FOR SHOWING CREATIVITY

THANK YOU FOR EMBRACING LIFE IS SHORT

KIDS–next time, ask me for more TP so we can fill in the gaps–the trees are too bare, the roof has little to no paper, and you left half-rolls sitting on the ground.

Ask me for help, so I can show you how to coordinate an attack and TP the right way.

EXCITED TODAY to clean up the mess and smile the whole time.

THANK YOU for spreading joy to me and my girls.

I applaud you.

My prayer is that as you read this you’ll take inventory of how you might have responded if your house had been TP’d.  Go with your first gut reaction.  What does it tell you about your parenting perspective?

Are you too serious?

Do you know how to have fun and play?

What color of lenses do you see the world?

Ecclesiastes 8:15

So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany them in their toil all the days of the life God has given them under the sun.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Do you wish you had a different perspective in your parenting?  Are you looking for more fulfillment and joy in the life you live?  What needs to change in your home? Email me if you’d like to know how to find a more abundant life as you parent.  Perspective Coaching is all about helping parents of tweens, teens, and 20-somethings discover what might be missing as they parent.  You can email me debbiehitchcock@gettingperspective.com

Tired of the Shouting Match?

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Getting to the bottom of our emotional reactions to our kids can be difficult.  The heat of the moment can cause us to do things we said we would never do. And it has taken me a long time to understand these reactions even in myself.  Years, in fact.  If I’m feeling something going on inside of me, my tendency now is to get to the bottom of it and understand why I feel the way I feel.  And then make amends with my kids if I’ve responded in an unhealthy way.  I’ve learned that rather than listening to my feelings, I need to put my prefrontal cortex (thinking brain) in charge.  I’m finding that I’m better at it now — well at least most of the time.

But at times I’ll admit that anger, frustration, or fear will well up within me and I have to fight it back.  It’s a skill.  It is an awareness.

And it doesn’t typically come naturally to any of us unless we’ve seen it modeled.

That’s what puts many of us as parents at a deficit as to what to do with our emotion and what to do with our kids’ emotions.  Typically it becomes a standoff.  We tend to match our child’s emotional level trying to get them to “hear” us.  The next step becomes the escalating shouting match.

It doesn’t work.

And it hurts the relationship.

Parents from my generation usually didn’t give much thought to how a child felt in the moment.  I’m guessing most of us have heard the proverbial “sit down and shut up” or “will you just be quiet” or “stop crying”.  Maybe we’ve even said it to our kids when we’re exhausted and don’t think we can take the whine another minute.   Yes, our child might calm down in the moment, but we’re setting them up for future emotional outbursts.

The goal of helping us and our kids become more aware of our independent feelings is so that we lessen their sometimes destructive hold on us.  There is  a case study conducted by a UCLA professor that showed that awareness and naming our feelings lightens the emotion and actually makes us happier.

Who doesn’t want happy kids?

What I’ve discovered through working with moms is that sitting in the emotional ‘spin’ of our child actually helps contain them.  What I mean by that is that by validating that it is okay for our child to feel the way they feel helps them accept themselves and love themselves in the moment despite how they feel.  It doesn’t matter that what they did was hurtful or disrespectful or uncalled for.  It doesn’t matter that they aren’t handling themselves in a mature fashion.  What matters is that they know that in the moment when they feel out of control, that they are loved and everything will be okay.  

When we validate our child we’re communicating that they are valued and precious even in the moment they are in.   It says that we love them even when they are spewing all over everyone else.  A hug, looking them in the eye, and sitting with them holding their hand and offering tissues helps them know that someone is there to help them deal with the pain of the situation even when it might seem totally uncalled for to us.

Their feelings are their feelings.  Our job is to just be there for them in their moment.

Let’s say your 14 year old comes in after school, slams the back door, fails to take his muddy shoes off as he walks across the carpet.  When you ask him what is wrong, he shouts, “I hate you”, and then proceeds to slam his bedroom door breaking the hinge in the process.

Most of us tend to focus on all the things our kid did wrong:

  1. Slamming the back door.
  2. Wearing his muddy shoes on the carpet.
  3. Shouting “I hate you” which hurts us deeply.
  4. Breaking the door.

We focus on what happened rather than what our child is feeling.

When we put the emphasis on what was done wrong, we fail to get to the root of our teen’s feelings–the heart of the issue.  When we react in a harsh way, “How dare you speak to me like that” or “You are going to have to pay to repair this door” or “Come clean up this carpet right now”, we’re focusing on what was done to us not what is going on inside our teen.  By ignoring the reason for the outburst and not letting them vent in the moment, we are teaching our teens to either stuff and ignore their feelings or that their feelings don’t matter.

Research is showing that these are the very things that trigger addictions — emotional pain that the teen isn’t able to contain.  When feelings become overwhelming and aren’t understood, more and more teens start medicating to deal with feelings they want to get rid of.  When we choose to be in their moment and help contain them, we are lightening their emotional load.  We’re letting them see that nothing is wrong with those feelings and we’re here for them.

Galatians 6:2

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

I’ve sat with moms who have shared the frustration of not being able to connect with their adopted children as they become teens.  The hurt and feeling of abandonment of a teen can be overwhelming.  Dealing with the fact that they were given away can bring much pain deeply rooted in who they are.  The same goes for the girl who has become an outcast in her circle of friends or the boy who doesn’t measure up in sports or has a creative bent unlike his male peers.  

The teen years are a time of self-discovery as they try to figure out who they are.  It’s a time when they need to be nurtured–not taken to task for the things they do or don’t do.

Spending time in their emotional world and teaching them to self-process their feelings will help them move from emotional “doom and gloom” to “this will all blow over and I’ll be okay”.  It will allow your teen to move the situation from their emotional brain to their thinking brain which moves them toward maturity.  Once you’ve helped them, then and only then is it time to help them cognitively process the muddy carpet, the harsh words spoken in anger, and the broken hinge — in a gentle, matter of fact way.

Teaching our teens to process their emotional stuff will help them move to the more mature process where they can start viewing situations from the other person’s perspective.   It means that they will begin to move from the emotion of  ‘I can’t believe she did that to me’ to a mature thought process of ‘she typically doesn’t treat me this way, I’m guessing she is having a bad day.  I wonder if I did something to upset her.’  

Wouldn’t it be great if even as adults we could quickly move from the emotion to mature logical thinking? What if we could give the other person the benefit of the doubt instead of spinning in their emotion getting caught up in the other person’s level of anger? Wouldn’t it be satisfying to realize that instead of heaping our emotions on top of an already volatile emotional situation we could help soothe the other person in such a way that we both felt good about ourselves and our relationship?

Dare you to think about the emotional situations in your own home.  Are you responding to your child’s emotional fire in a healthy way?

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

 

 

 

Is Your Home Filled With Laughter?

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When our kids are little it is easy to laugh at the cute things they say and do.  Even during those early years of school we watch with excitement as they encounter new experiences and are filled with wonder.  And then as our kids become tweens and teens the climate in most homes changes.  Instead of laughter, life gets serious — sometimes too serious.

Maybe it’s our kids pushing our patience or their mouthiness that makes us as parents feel the need to control.  I think sometimes we realize that our kids are no longer those sweet, innocent children any more and we become fearful of the possibilities and reality of what could happen if they make the wrong choices.  We push them to strive for excellence in school or in sports because college is looming up ahead and we come to the realization that someone needs to pay for it.

Whatever the circumstance with your teens, take time to fill your home with laughter.

I was talking to a mom a few weeks ago and could feel the weight of heaviness resting on her shoulders.  She was giving me a list of all the things her teenage son wasn’t doing.  It was obvious that mom had certain expectations that her son was not fulfilling.  Blame was heavy as we talked.  She no longer found joy in this son, only condemnation.  Laughter was the furthest thing from her mind.

I’ll admit I’ve been in that place at times.  When our kids are doing things that cause us fear and anxiety it is easy to be so afraid that we can’t find any joy in any moment.  At times it seems they aren’t listening to anything we ask them to do.  That’s when it is time to take our thoughts captive.  It’s when we need to be able to think quickly on our feet in order to turn the difficult moment into a memorable opportunity filled with laughter.  It’s where we show our kids that the joy of the Lord is our strength.

So what can that look like?

  1. When there is conflict in the house, have a family code word.  In our house there is a code word that will bring laughter to any situation.  If we hear siblings arguing, either Dave or I will enter the room and quietly watch the verbal match.  When the right opportunity presents itself, we say the code word and immediately change the subject.  Inevitably, our kids will look at each other, then they’ll look at us, and laughter will fill the air.  Everyone in the family knows the code word and everyone has permission to use it.  It means unhook the bickering and laugh!
  2. Find the positive in every situation.  Even disaster can have a silver lining if we take time to look.  If your teen flunks a class, he’ll have opportunity to prove himself again and learn from the mistake.  If your daughter wrecks the car, she’ll most likely become a more careful driver.  If your teen is still breathing, that is the positive — find joy in that moment.
  3. Be mindful of the now.  Too many times we fearfully get wrapped up in what could happen in the future — won’t get into college, won’t get a scholarship, will end up doing something stupid like alcohol or drugs, or whatever is your greatest fear.  Work on the now and the future will take care of itself.  Find joy in the moment and love your teen right where he is.  Remind yourself that the future is in God’s hands.
  4. Find time to do fun things with your teens.  You know your kids better than anyone.  Try doing some of the things that they like to do with them.  Chances are you’ll bring laughter to the room as you try to lip sync or play one of their video games with them.  I’ll never forget being in the mall with my son as we both tried to do DDR (Dance, Dance Revolution for those who don’t know what that is :))  My son never laughed so hard as I drew a crowd in the mall as the worst player ever.  It’s a great memory for both of us.
  5. Take negative comments and situations and turn them into laughter moments.  My husband, Dave, is the expert at this in our home and I’m working hard on it.  When one of our now 20-somethings comes out with a sharp accusation or negative comment, Dave will take it and put a spin of laughter on it.  Just like Dare 15 in With All Due Respect, quick thinking with a dose of humor can turn a difficult moment into an opportunity to teach respect.

Proverbs 31:25 (NLT)

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

Nehemiah 8:10b

“Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

Dare you to not take life quite so seriously when your kids become tweens and teens.  Humor in the difficulties of life can bring opportunity to model respect and provide teaching opportunities much more than lectures and condemnation.  

“Let go…and Let God”,

Want a way to connect with other Moms?  Why not grab a copy of With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens & Tweens and go through the book together.  Whether your kids are 9 or 29, you’ll find the questions will apply to your parenting.  You can also connect with us in the With All Due Respect eCourse on Facebook.  It’s free for a limited time.

Here’s what Shaunti Feldhahn, Social Researcher and Best Selling Author of For Women Only had to say:

“A spectacular tool for every mom who has heard the advice “be purposeful,” and wondered, “But what does that mean?  This ultra-practical guidebook shows each of us what it means.  Step by step, day by day, this amazing resource will walk each of us into being the godly moms we all deeply want to be, to have the impact on our kids we are all longing for.”