Are You Trying to Control Your Teen with Anger?

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Anger is an emotion that most of us have to deal with from time to time especially when our tweens and teens push our hot buttons.  Typically when this happens our real desire is to just make the situation go away. “Why did you do that?  How dare you speak to me that way!  You are so in trouble, young man”, are all retorts to get out kid’s attention in the moment.

When our emotions are out of control our voice will escalate and a scowl will become our facial expression to let our teen know that they’ve crossed a line.  In reality, the stance sometimes with hands on hips tells our teen we mean business.  It is actually our attempt to control the situation we find ourselves in.

These type of responses are in essence a way of self-protection hoping to fix the problem that’s been thrust upon us.  The truth is that some type of fear or feeling of not being in control has been triggered. 

But the important question is “what message are we sending to our teens”?

When we get angry we are communicating to our teen that the problem or issue is more important than our relationship.

Ouch!

Many times our anger becomes a rant where our teens stop listening and begin planning their counter attack.  If we escalate often, we’ve most likely lost them as soon as we raise our voice.  Now the situation is about us and not them.  

Anger is a natural response when we feel our teens are pushing the limits outside of our desires, but it isn’t the anger that is the problem as much as our lack of control of the anger. 

Feelings are a natural God-given way to self-preserve.  But do we exercise them in a way that puts our desires or need to control before the relationship?

Here’s what I mean by that.  Perhaps the next time you find yourself yelling at your teen, try this.

Let’s assume Ralph has really upset you and you catch yourself yelling at him or maybe he says something like “Mom, you don’t have to get so upset.”

  1. Pause.  Whisper a quick prayer–maybe just the words “help me, Lord”.
  2. Say something like “I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t be yelling at you like this. “
  3. Then in a calm controlled voice say “As you can tell, I’m really angry about this, but our relationship is more important.  Let me start over.”
  4. Begin again in a calmer voice without blame and accusation.  Something like “I noticed you didn’t ___________, and I’m sure you have a good explanation (giving them the benefit of the doubt).  I’d like you to help me understand.”

James 1:20

because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

All of us have different levels of  maturity in our ability to control our emotions.  How we interact and respond to our kids is not only ingrained in us but has the potential to become part of who they are. It not only becomes ingrained in them but  is seen as acceptable behavior as they interact with others.

I had a Christian mom who used to come to me after an altercation with her kids and laugh as she told me how she had “yelled” at her kids for something they did.  There was no remorse on her part because she saw it as a normal parenting response.  How sad.

If we want relationship with our kids in the future, we need to become more aware of our own parenting behaviors that are triggered by fear.  

Dare you to let you tweens and teens know that you recognize this wrong behavior in your life and ask them to hold you accountable.  Maybe they can give you a signal when they see your emotions starting to escalate.  By doing so, you’ll forge a relationship that says we’re on the same team and anger won’t be controlling your home.

“Let go…and let God”,

Most of us have never paused long enough in our parenting to assess how we’re really doing.  We’re busy reacting to the hustle and bustle that comes with the tween and teen years rather than looking at the legacy we want to have continue for generations to come.   Working through With All Due Respect will give you perspective on where you are in the journey.  

Why not grab a few friends and go through the book together?  

Who Gets the Blame in Your House?

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Let’s face it, as moms we know our kids.  We know what they are capable of and what they might do and most likely what they won’t do.  Hopefully we understand their hearts and what motivates them.

And we definitely know which of our kids is most likely to cause trouble in the family.  

I can’t tell you how many times as a mom I’ve had my kids come and tattle on the other.  And I’ll admit that at times I did the wrong thing–I passed judgment on who was telling the truth.  Think wearing a black and white striped referee shirt calling the shots of who is in the wrong–even without seeing the play.

Why?  Because we know our kids.  We know what they are capable of and what they might do.

Lord, forgive us as parents because we know not what we do.

Too many times as parents we choose to discipline without knowing all the facts.  We don’t recognize that if there is conflict then most likely both of our kids are to blame in some manner.  After all, you can’t have conflict without two people.

And if we have several kids, we typically create one of them to be the scapegoat.  Think about it.  A scapegoat is a person who is blamed for the wrongdoings, mistakes, or faults of others.  And it is usually done for for reasons of expediency.

How many times have we issued judgment on one of our kids in a conflict situation between siblings because we want it to be over and done? We don’t want to sort through the “he said, she did”, and whatever else we hear as they try to talk over each other.  So we issue an edict and refuse to talk about it any more.  Most likely our judgment is issued on the kid who we think we know started it in the first place–our family scapegoat.

What if we began handling these scenarios differently?  What if we took the time to teach our kids to solve their own differences?  And what if instead of judgment we taught them empathy and validation skills that they could use with each other?  These are skills that communicate love as well as respect.

Now I know that some of you think I’ve gone off the deep end by now.  You don’t even think this is possible.  But stay with me.  I know this is a long post, but it is so needed in most of our families.

What is our goal as parents?  Isn’t it to help teach our kids self-respect while they are under our roof rather than choosing sides where there is a winner and a loser in our family?  After all, if we fall into that trap we are creating extreme thinking in each of our kids.  The one in the “right” can develop an “I’m all that” way of thinking while the scapegoat develops the mentality of “I’m a loser and won’t ever measure up so why should I try”.

So what are some steps you can take if you are in the referee parent zone?

  1. When one of the kids starts screaming, or tattling, or blaming, pull them into a room together.  In other words, help them address their own problems with each other, not with you.
  2. Your role is coach not referee.  If there is a lot of emotional blaming, stop the conversation and take a time out.  Send them separate directions to calm down.
  3. Resume the conversation. Have them state the facts from their perspective.  No judgment.  Just facts.
  4. Coach them to communicate their why.  Teens need help understanding their feelings and their actions as a result of those feelings.  Sometimes they will discover that the “why they did what they did” has nothing to do with the present circumstance but something that they felt in the past.
  5. Teach your kids to show empathy and validate the other person’s feelings.
  6. Encourage them to apologize to each other for their part.
  7. Help them decide what they need from each other in the future to keep this from happening again. 

Here’s an abbreviated example of what it might look like.  Know that typically this conversation will most likely take time–sometimes lots of time.  Hopefully, this will get you started thinking about other ways to handle conflict in your home.

Aubrey:  “I pushed you and took your car keys because you think you are some hot shot at school.” 

Jeremy: “You made me out to be a fool in front of all the kids at school.  Mom, she made me sit there in the parking lot until I had to finally chase her down to get my keys.”

Mom:  “I can see that both of you are upset about this.  I’m going to ask each of you to go find something to do to calm yourselves down.  We’ll talk about it again after dinner.  Be thinking about what part you need to own and why you did what you did.”

After dinner…

Mom:  “I know in the past I’ve usually decided who was at fault when the two of you disagree.  Both of you are getting to the age where you need to start resolving your own problems.  I’m going to try to coach you through the process.  Know that I might stop you and try to teach you a better way to say something.  It might be awkward, but pretend you are at basketball practice and your coach is teaching you a new drill.  Jeremy, why don’t you go first and tell Aubrey just the facts as you saw them today.  Address her directly, not me.”

Jeremy:  “Aubrey, I can’t believe you took my keys today.  You made me feel like an idiot in front of my friends having to chase you down to get them so we could come home.”

Aubrey:  “You act like you are some hot shot at school.  You talk to all your friends as we are getting in the car and it is like I’m some tag along.  I’m invisible to you.  I was trying to get your attention today to tell you something and you told me to shut up.  That really upset me.” 

Jeremy:  “But you…”

Mom:  “Let’s stop right there.  The two of you are getting emotional again.  Take a deep breath.  Let me summarize the facts I heard based on what you both just said.  Both of you were coming out of school and Aubrey was trying to tell you something.  She felt like you weren’t listening so she grabbed your keys and ran off with them.  Jeremy, you chased her down to get them and felt embarrassed because of what Aubrey forced you to do to get the keys back.”

Once there is consensus on the facts,  talk about the why.

Mom:  “Now let’s talk about the why.  Aubrey why don’t you go first”.

Aubrey:  “Jeremy never listens to me.  I took his keys because I wanted to remind him that we needed to stop at the store to pick stuff up for my science project on the way home and he wasn’t listening.  I needed to get his attention somehow.”

Mom:  “Jeremy, Aubrey just told you why she did what she did and how she feels invisible to you.  Rather than tell your side of the story, I’d like you to use words to show her that you care about how she was feeling.”

After Jeremy shows empathy and validates Aubrey, then Mom would coach Aubrey to do the same after Jeremy states his why.  Then they need to apologize to each other.

Once they’ve worked through it, coach them in ways to help keep the problem from happening in the future.  Be thinking, ‘what does Aubrey want in the relationship’ and ‘what does Jeremy want’?  

In this scenario, they both wanted the same thing–respect.

It isn’t until we teach our kids to “put themselves in the other’s shoes” that we can help them develop deep relationships with others. 

Luke 6:37-38; 40

 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”   The student is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like their teacher.”
How often do we judge or condemn our kids without knowing the whole truth?  Teach your kids the skills to resolve their own differences.  After all, don’t we want our teens to mature into adults who act like adults?
Dare you to look at your own style of resolving conflict in your home.  Maybe your scapegoat’s behavior is based on how he sees himself.  Get the skills you need to be the best parent you can be.
“Let go…and Let God”,

I hope you are enjoying some of the content of these blogs.  Know that I want to walk beside you in your parenting and help you think outside the box of the way most of us were parented.  We are raising a new generation of kids who need connection.  With technology, cell phones, and relationships condensed to text, our kids will miss out on the skills of deep relationships unless we teach them the importance of respecting themselves and others.  I don’t know about you, but I’m seeing real authentic relationships becoming a thing of the past.

Will you be part of the Generation Changing movement?  We’d love to have you grab the book With All Due Respect  and go through it with your friends.  It will change the way you look at your role as a parent.  And we promise to make it easy to lead.  You don’t need to be a perfect parent; you don’t need to have perfect kids; and you don’t need to have ever led a group before.

A Small Group Leader’s Guide is also available with questions for group discussion.

It will change your relationships with God, with your spouse, and with your kids.

Dare ya!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Can I do When Dad is Out-of-Control?

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It has been amazing to me the number of women who have shared stories of out-of-control behavior from their spouses.  Their teen does something to upset dad and the war is on.

It makes me sad.

And I’m betting that if you are in that situation in your home, then your feelings are even more heavy than mine.  I’m so sorry for what you are going through.

Most women in these situations ask me what they can do to ease the strife and reduce the fear that plagues their home.  

These women love their husbands.  They know that they are good men.  It’s in the heat of the moment that something breaks inside these men.  They use their physical stance or words to show their power.  Thankfully the women I’ve spoken to haven’t experienced physical abuse in their homes, but they are fearful of what might happen someday.

These women also love their children.  They want to make sure they are protecting them even though now the kids tower over them in stature at times.  Most of them worry about the affect these outbursts will have on their kids in the future.  Will they see out-of-control behavior as something that is acceptable?  Are they harboring anger and resentment that will keep them from returning home once they have the ability to move out?  Will the behavior replicate itself when they become parents?

So here are a few things that I share with women.  I’ve had several women tell me it has made a huge difference in their homes.  Others, not so much.  But either way, if you are a mom wanting to calm the wars between your husband and your teens, here’s a place to start.

  1. Pick a time when there is no strife and ask your husband’s permission to talk with him about a problem you are concerned with.
  2. Create a safe environment for him by letting him know what a great husband and dad he is.
  3. Let him know that you know he loves his kids and wants the best for them.
  4. Share your concerns in a non-threatening way.
  5. Try to get agreement on how the two of you can handle these outbursts in the future.

The conversation might go something like this:  “Honey, I know that you want to be a good dad and want relationship with the kids even after they leave our home.  One of the things I’m concerned about is when things like what happened the other night take place.  I know that you don’t mean to get so upset and I’m sure you probably regret it.  Can we talk about what you might be feeling during those moments? I wonder if there might be something I could do to help you during those interchanges?  I love you and want us to have great relationships with our kids.”

Obviously this is a simplified version of how the conversation might go–but I want to encourage you to step into the middle of what could be conflict.  Our kids are precious and worth the conversation, even if it goes poorly.

I would also like to encourage you to talk with your teens.  Let them share their feelings and struggle with you when these situations occur.  Strategize together on things they might try to de-escalate the situation. Perhaps you encourage them to have a similar dialogue like the one above with their dad.  If that isn’t safe, maybe you have the conversation first with your husband and encourage him to sit down with you and your teen to talk through the issues while you coach both of them in the conversation.

Another thing you might consider is asking your spouse to go to counseling or talk to someone at church about how to handle his emotion.  More times than not, these episodes stem from anger in other situations that have not been adequately resolved sometimes from childhood.

Ephesians 6:13-15

13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.

One of our roles as moms is to be relationship architects such that our home is a sanctuary of peace for our family.  Sometimes that means respectfully engaging in conflict so that others will understand appropriate boundaries and work on their issues.

Prayers to you who are engaged in the battle for your kids when dad is out-of-control.  And don’t be afraid to protect your children if  communication escalates the issues.

“Let go…and let God”,

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If you want to resolve conflict in your home, I would encourage you to check out With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens & Tweens.  In it, we talk about things that help parents learn preemptive conflict resolution skills.  I’d love to walk beside you in our eCourse that goes along with the book.  If you need to talk, email me at debbiehitchcock@gettingperspective.com

 

 

Time to Tame the Beast in Your Teen?

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Let’s face it, most of us have emotional outbursts from time to time.  Even if not openly for everyone to hear, at least internally where we tell ourselves that the person who has “hurt” us is in the wrong.  Hopefully we don’t go into this mode as often as our teens, but we do have these negative conversations.

 The question is how do we as adults deal with these experiences and move to equilibrium quickly and are we passing the right skills along to our tweens and teens to help them tame the emotional beast?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve seen grown adults who still haven’t learned the skills to calm their emotions.  Several years ago I witnessed an auto accident where a guy speeding in a sports car was involved.  Watching from  a distance I stared in disbelief as this man jumped out of his car raging and screaming as he ran toward the other car ranting to the other person involved.  He was totally oblivious to the state of the other person’s injuries.  The man was so emotionally charged in the moment he became an emotional beast ready to take out the individual whom he now saw as an opponent.

There is now brain research that  gives us a clue as to what is going on internally when we have those meltdowns–or sometimes shutdowns.   Most of the time those feelings will override our ability to think in a cohesive pattern causing us to go into a negative spiral.  When we go into the negative self-talk mode then the world around us becomes a dark place where we tend to emotionally vomit on someone who will listen–usually people with which we feel most comfortable around–family–or we go into our own personal inner sanctuary where we shield ourselves from the pain.

Helping our children harness those feelings by speaking truth into their lives can teach them skills that will provide a foundation for more emotional maturity.

So what are some of the things you can do as a parent when your kid comes home from school grunting as he walks past you in the kitchen, ignoring your greeting, disappearing into his room as he slams the door?

 Or what do you do when you and your child have had angry words and he shouts “I hate you!”?  

What if you see your kid punching his younger sibling or screaming words that you cannot believe are coming from his mouth?

Or you child seems to have retreated to a place where she seems to not be emotionally present?

  1. Take a deep breath and pray.  God sees your child’s pain.  Ask Him for wisdom in how to deal with this child in this moment.
  2. Give your teen space.  Every emotional outburst doesn’t need to be dealt with immediately.  I’ve coined a new catch phrase when I meet with parents.  If it isn’t a situation of life and death, choose to deal with it later–meaning after the emotion has subsided.  Even if the slammed door has come off it’s hinges or the younger sibling has a bloody nose, deal with the blood and not the emotionally charged teen.
  3. Re-engage when cooler heads prevail.  Re-engage in a safe place.  Maybe it is in the quiet of your teens room when everyone else is in bed or you take him to his favorite burger hangout or coffee shop, either way gently broach the subject without raising defensiveness in your teen.
  4. Ask your teen to do some soul searching.  What was he feeling in the moment?  What does she think triggered the outburst?  Was there ever a time he had that feeling before?  If so, what happened in the past and are those two events connected?  Research shows that anger in a given situation can sometimes be traced back to a previous event that seemed similar to the current event.  Because of that, your teen could have had a heightened emotional charge because the “feeling” was connected.  In other words, the emotional outburst was actually triggered because of what happened before–not necessarily the current situation.
  5. Help your teen become aware.  With your teens permission, come up with a way to cue your teen in on her emotional  escalation.  A simple hand gesture or funny phrase can easily raise awareness.
  6. Give you teen options for the future.  Share with your teen possible calming techniques for future situations.  Reading a book, asking someone to listen to their side without judgment (some kids process quicker if they can verbally dump their angst),  playing soft music that doesn’t further enhance their anger, or prayer and meditation are all ways to cope with negative feelings.  Your teen may find other ways that will bring calm to a given situation — a bubble bath, a chat with a friend, or doing something fun with a family member that takes their mind off the pain. Encourage your teen to tell you when they are struggling.  Even encouraging your teen to utter a simple statement such as “I’ve had a bad day and need to be alone or I need to process what happened” is a mature response that indicates they are becoming aware of their need to take control of their own emotional beasts.
  7. Share scriptures that will build confidence in your teens ability to take charge of feelings.  Most of us can allow negative thoughts to spiral out of control when our feelings run amok.  Scriptures that speak to their situation help our teens accept that the battle actually belongs to the Lord. 

2 Corinthians 10:5

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

John 8:32

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

Colossians 1:22

But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation—

Dare you to be pro-active in taming the emotional beast in your teens rather than being a reactive agent adding fuel to that already roaring flames.  Teach them the skills to self-sooth their hurt and anger so they can reach full emotional maturity.

“Let go…and let God”,

 Even us moms need a safe place to deal with the feelings that emerge within us as we parent during the tween and teen years.  Our With All Due Respect eCourse is a great place to share and learn from other moms. And for a limited time, it’s free! And remember that you will need a copy of the book as we go through it together.  Moms tell us all the time that they’ve learned so much and how their parenting responses have changed significantly since working through this curriculum.  “I wish I’d read this book years ago” is a common response.  We encourage you to read it and let us know what you think.  It may revolutionize your parenting.

Does Your Kid Make You Feel Like You Can Do Nothing Right?

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Last week I felt like everything I did for one of my kids was met with sarcasm, frustration, or anger.  The typical jokes we had between us, the acts of kindness I did, and every time I seemed to open my mouth it was met with a snarl of “you never…” or “you always…”.  I couldn’t win.

Having had four kids under my roof, I’ve learned to try different things to get to the root of the issue.  This time was no different.

I fixed a special breakfast one morning.  No change.

A special treat from the grocery store.  No change.

I tried talking about it.  More anger.

Going for a walk with him.  Good conversation about the weather and general topics — but no change.

And then I decided to wait.  

I didn’t totally avoid him (after all we were living in the same house), but I did my thing and he did his.  I didn’t go out of my way to seek resolution.  (After all, I had already tried that and it hadn’t worked).  So I waited.

If he needed something, he had to come to me.

And I continued to wait.  (Difficult for me as a mom who wants to solve the problem now.)

One evening as the two of us were together standing in the kitchen with no one else home, the words came tumbling out of his mouth.  He shared his fears and his assumptions about how I was handling a situation.

I listened–I mean really listened.  

The words kept coming as if pent up emotion had been there for years — and in all reality it had.  A feeling he had almost a decade before had been triggered by a choice I had made two weeks earlier.  My son had tied that feeling of 10 years ago to a situation I was facing today.  As a result he was making assumptions.  Assumptions that I was responding the same way I had all those years ago.

And he was angry, frustrated, and filled with fear.

A-ha!  Now I knew what was troubling him.  

Rather than tell my side of the story, which is where my true now I can fix-it nature likes to go.  Thankfully I paused long enough to know what I should really do in moments like this.

I empathized.  I apologized for what he experienced earlier.  I made sure that he felt heard and affirmed.

Then I asked a critical question.  “I know you were hurt years ago, and I know that the decision I made this time feels the same way to you, and I’m sorry.  Would it be okay if I share why I think this time is different from last time?”

Notice that I asked permission to talk.

What I’ve learned is that when there is a disconnect between two people, asking their permission to tell them how you see the situation differently creates two things — an acknowledgement that you heard them and an understanding that you want to create a “safe” place for them.

If my son had said no to my question, I would have honored that and ended the conversation with something like “I know that this has been difficult for you and I respect that.  I do feel like the situation today is very different from what you experienced in the past.  When you are ready to talk about it let me know and I’ll share how I see things now.”

Thankfully my son agreed to let me share what I was thinking about the current circumstances.  Once he was able to hear my heart, the climate changed between us.  The sarcasm, the frustration, and the anger seem to be gone.  Mutual respect has re-entered our relationship because we now understand each other’s reasons for our choices and behavior.

Without the empathy and respect piece, we don’t create safety for the other person in the relationship.  This derails our conversations and keeps us from getting to the root cause.  Instead we typically try to justify or at least explain our side of the story which makes things unsafe for the other person.

I’ll admit that typically I’m terrible about making sure I validate the other person.  I just want to fix the problem and move on.  However, we need to remember that conflict resolved well (with empathy, validation, and safety), creates a more intimate relationship.  

I’ve given my son permission to give me a cue when I head down the path of justifying my actions before I’ve made sure he has been heard.  It’s humbling to see how many times I get it wrong.  That said, I want to grow in my relationships with others–especially with my kids.

Proverbs 19:11

A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.

Dare you to  look at how you respond when your kid seems frustrated or angry at you.  Empathize, validate, and create safety to mend and create a more fulfilling relationship.

“Let go…and let God”,