As we contemplate the new year and what will be different, maybe we should think about our parenting and what legacy we are creating. What gift do we want our kids to hold on to that can’t be wrapped in a box?
Sitting in a doctor’s office, I was surprised to find out that we were actually being seen by the son of a doctor I had made acquaintance with several years prior. Not wanting to be overtly obvious and wanting to give this man my full attention so that he could properly make a diagnosis, I chose not to bring up the connection too early in our conversation.
Having been to numerous doctors’ offices with my son over the past several years, it didn’t surprise me at all that this young doctor started interacting with us in a casual manner telling us that he had recently graduated from medical school and was finally following in his father’s footsteps. Becoming a physician was his second career. What did surprise me though was that as the dialogue continued, it became obvious that he was the son who thought he had never quite measured up in his father’s eyes.
How sad.
Here was a man most likely in his early 40’s who had not only graduated from medical school and was now a physician, yet his identity was wrapped up in what Dad thought of him.
I began wondering what lies had been spoken over him in his quest for manhood and approval.
As he made his diagnosis, it was almost as if he was asking if we agreed with him.
As parents of tweens and teens, it is easy to get frustrated when our kids make mistakes or choose not to do something that we think is in their best interest. But during those times of interaction do we treat them with respect or do we tear them down to the point that their identity becomes mired into thinking of themselves as “failures”.
Like it or not, we are a mirror for our kid’s identity. Our actions, reactions, words, body language, and facial expressions all send a message that says either “I respect you as a person” or “You don’t measure up”.
We are weaving the foundation for our kids in how they measure up when they face the outside world as well.
Do we offer empathy when their world comes crashing down on them?
Do we console their disappointments and give them hope for their tomorrow?
Do we guide them in how to handle difficulties so they can be more confident?
Do we point them to Jesus Christ as their source of identity?
Do we release them to be who God created them to be rather than who we want them to be?
Colossians 3:21
Do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
Romans 15:5
May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had.
Dare you to take inventory of how you are responding to your teens and the impact you might be making on how they think of themselves. Better yet, why not ask them how they think you view them. If the response is not what you had hoped for, try apologizing for your parenting mistakes. Polish the mirror so they see themselves as God sees them.
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When I’m in the depths of despair with one of my kids, frustrated with their choices, and wishing things could be different, sometimes I have no idea what being a good mom really looks like. I vacillate with what the right decision should be in the moment and it’s easy to get down on myself–after all, I should have been able to change the situation. Right?
As I have been contemplating this in the NOW I’m in, searching for truth, and wanting so badly to be the best mom possible in the middle of the circumstances, I’ve started asking myself, “What would a good mom do in this situation?”
Sometimes being a good mom means being a tough mom. Regardless of what my child wants, I need to be strong enough to do what he needs in the moment. Figuring that out isn’t always easy.
At other times being a good mom means showing compassion and allowing my teen to see my heart that resonates Jesus with skin on. A hug, a gentle touch, or a word of hope can move my young adult to a place of believing in themselves again.
Being a good mom is sometimes guessing who we need to do in the moment. And when we don’t get it right, rather than getting down on ourselves, being willing to apologize and push the reset button trying a different tactic to get forward movement.
As I’ve been contemplating all the aspects of being a good mom, I’ve started compiling a list of the different things I need to be. Some of these come easier for me than others. But at times, I need to play the position that doesn’t come natural because it is what my kid needs in the moment. My automatic reaction might not be the best approach.
So here’s my current list. I’m sure I’ve only scratched the surface and I’d love for you to add to it at the end of this blog.
As you go through the list, my hope is that you’ll take an internal inventory. What comes naturally to you? What do you need to add to your list of skills so that your reactions to every situation are not always the same? If you find that you fall short in an area, this is an opportunity to think about what will be different in your next difficult parenting interaction.
But above all else, give yourself grace.
A Good Mom…
Listens intently
Uses concise communication so there is no question as to the point
Encourages and supports rather than criticize
Knows that their child’s happiness is not at the top of the priority list
Is God-dependent and confident that He has the answers for every situation
Is willing to apologize and make amends without making excuses or blaming someone else
Models healthy relationship
Discusses kid concerns with Dad so that a unified decision can be reached
Let’s her kids make mistakes rather than try to control situations
Willingly pushes the reset button when things aren’t going well
Acknowledges and respects that her children are separate human beings and not extensions of her
Is calm in the middle of life’s storms
Takes care of herself so that she can better take care of her children
Knows her values and models them for her children
Is aware of conversations/conflicts that are getting out of control and chooses to pause the discussion until everyone is able to communicate with a sense of calm
Assesses situations to find the facts before jumping to conclusions
Let’s her ‘yes’ be ‘yes’ and her ‘no’, ‘no’ without manipulation from her teen
Stands firm in her values when making decisions
Shows empathy and compassion
Offers encouragement
Coaches her teen through difficult situations
Avoids jumping to conclusions
Is consistent
Asks open-ended questions that encourage her teens to tell their story
Teaches her kids that God is walking with them through every struggle
Chooses to accept her child as God created them rather than comparing them to others
Keeps fear in check so that worry isn’t the focus of daily living
Creates a close circle of friends with whom she can share her parenting struggles without concern for gossip
Loves unconditionally
Allows her kids to think for themselves
And above all else has a relationship with Jesus Christ and trusts Him for the outcome.
Psalm 62:8
“Trust in him at all times, oh people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.”
Psalm 20:7
“Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.”
Psalm 56:3
“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.”
Psalm 112:7
“He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the LORD.”
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I remember it well. The phone call, I mean. Mrs. Hitchcock, this is Sargent (whatever his name) from the police department. I’ll admit, I’m not sure at that moment if I caught all the details. All I remember was the pause after I hung up with him.
My husband was standing nearby and must have seen the look of shock on my face. “What is it?” he asked.
I couldn’t speak.
“What’s wrong?” he asked again. “Talk to me.”
And that’s when I knew that I had moved forward in my ability to contain my emotion. I looked at him calmly even though my heart was pounding out of control inside my chest, held up my hand to let him know I needed a second to think, and took a deep breath. “Everything will be alright. God’s got this.“ I whispered to myself.
With that I collected my thoughts and explained what I remembered from the phone conversation. As my husband began to process, I could sense his heightened emotions and mind reeling out of control. “Honey, it’s going to be okay. I’m not exactly sure what’s going on here, but we need to remember that God is in the middle of it. He’ll help us work through it. We just need to be strong for our kid.” I calmly cautioned.
The truth is our kids will make mistakes. We might not get a call from the police, but what about the school? Or another parent or coach? A boss? A youth leader?
And how will you respond?
Will you have taken the time to get your own emotions under control before engaging with your teen?
Or will you launch a dynamite explosion screaming at them for being so stupid?
Or maybe you will become so agitated and frustrated at the situation that you’ll disconnect from them as if it is all their problem to fix because you don’t want to deal with it?
What our kid really needs in moments like these are calm and emotionally supportive parents. They need to see an adult (with adult like behaviors) who is there to walk beside them regardless of the mess they have gotten into. This is an opportune time to be their “solid rock” who will walk with them as they navigate the jams they find themselves in.
One of the things I’ve learned to do in my parenting is to discern the situation and try to see both sides. Too often when my kids were younger, I would typically take the adult’s view of the situation as truth over my child’s perspective. After all, we think that an adult perspective is the mature view. Right?
Oh, how many times I have discovered that not to be the case.
Let me explain.
I remember a situation that involved one of my sons and another adult. On the surface, I understood why the adult thought my son was guilty; however, I knew he didn’t have all the facts. On my first encounter, I supported this man rather than my son. After all, this man was an authority figure in my son’s life and had strong christian moral values.
What I didn’t realize at the time (but it became obvious on the second encounter) was that this man had a flawed perspective with students. His moral compass said “guilty until proven innocent”. Rather than talking with the student, understanding the student’s thought processes that led to the action, and deciding the consequences based on the student’s heart, he issued punitive edicts that affected my son’s ability to learn in the classroom. He took learning opportunities away instead of being supportive. There was no doubt in my mind this adult in my son’s life had put him in a box and labeled him “problem child”. Rather than walk beside him, this man became my son’s judge and jury communicating that he (not his behaviors) was unacceptable.
So how can you walk beside your teen in these type situations?
Assume a neutral position until all the facts are in. Don’t necessarily assume your child is guilty. Even if all the facts say they are guilty, be the person in their life that shows compassion and treats “mistakes” as “learning opportunities”.
Ask open ended questions and then listen. When our kids are accused of something by an adult, a simple question like, “So what happened?”, without a tone of accusation, may be all you need to hear your teen’s heart and thought process. We all see things through a different lens and while our teens don’t typically have a full grasp of everything involved, neither do most adults.
Discern the situation. Many times as parents we react based on our emotions. When our teen is accused of something, it impacts us in some way. Take those feelings and the circumstances and pray about it asking God for discernment. Ask him to show you perspective from both sides.
Teach. Take the opportunity to ask your teen to think through the situation from the adult’s point of view. What was right in the way the adult saw the situation? What information does the adult not have? What could your child have done differently to avoid the situation? Share your perspective of their wrongdoing. And be sure to normalize the situation offering understanding as to why your teen did what they did.
Encourage apology and reconciliation. Regardless of the circumstance, teaching our teens to restore the relationship is important. It doesn’t mean that the other person is right. It just means that the relationship is broken. Teaching our children that their actions do affect other people helps them realize that they don’t live in a vacuum.
Love your teen regardless of the situation. When our teens hurt us with their actions and impact other relationships that are important to us and them, our teens need to know that we always choose them.
Romans 8:1
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.
Emotionally supporting our kids when their world is falling apart will give them the hope to trust God in all things.
Sitting in a workshop several weeks ago with a group of women I witnessed the power in the word “you”. There were tears in women’s eyes as they heard words of affirmation spoken over them after they shared a story or A-Ha!
“You were brave to step into that situation in the moment.”
“You showed such a gentle spirit with your sister.”
“You used such good judgment in a difficult situation.”
“You demonstrated what it means to be supportive and caring in what must have been an exhausting time.”
All of us felt as if we were receiving a hug knowing that others were noticing the good in who we are.
And I thought about the power and life that we could speak into our teens if we would choose to use it. What if we would look for the good in our kids instead of using the word “you” in a condemning way.
“You didn’t clean your room like I asked you too.”
“You didn’t …”
What if, instead, we chose to take those “didn’t dos” and turn the communication into a positive?
“You have been working hard on your homework. Why don’t you take a break and run up and clean your room before dinner?”
“You are such an encourager with your little sister. Maybe the two of you could go upstairs and put the laundry away together.”
If we as parents could just take a moment each day to affirm the good in our children, what might change in our homes?
Hmm…definitely something to think about.
But there is another aspect of the word “you”.
I don’t know about your kids, but I’ve had my teens throw the word you at me in a screaming, blaming sort of way.
“You embarrassed me in front of …”
“How dare you take away my …”
“How could you?”
And in the heat of the moment with fury in our teen’s eyes they dump their bucket of all the pain they think we have caused them. With their emotion we can become overwhelmed and just want the onslaught to stop. And as parents most of us make the same mistake. It’s a mistake I’ve made on more than one occasion.
We look at our teen in disbelief that they can yield so much condemnation and say something in a stern voice like “Don’t you talk to me that way, young man. Go to your room.”
And we get so caught up in the anger and how we were spoken to that we might be missing something valuable in our parenting.
One technique I’ve used in the middle of these situations is to pause in the moment. “I can tell you are really upset and I want to hear you out. I’m feeling upset myself right now and I don’t want our emotions to get in the way of our communication. I’m going to take about 20 minutes to calm myself down and then we’ll talk.”
When frustration and the word “you” come rolling off our teen’s tongue, chances are there is pain in the middle of it.
Yes, you heard me right. Anger and the word “you” most likely means that someone is not listening to the pain that is inside of us.
What I’ve been learning is that when someone accuses me of something, that is a cue that I need to allow the Holy Spirit to help me discern the truth from the other person’s perspective. Here are some questions I ask myself during my 20 minute time out before talking with my teen:
Is there any truth to what my teen is accusing me of doing?
What pain might my teen be experiencing in the moment?
What might my teen need from me to bring healing for the pain he is experiencing? A confession? An apology? A change in my behavior?
What might God be trying to teach me in this situation?
What might God be trying to teach my teen?
Oh my, this can be a humbling conversation that I have with God. As I pray and ask God to help me in the situation, many times I discover that there is some truth to what I’ve been accused of and God is using this situation to refine me. Not a pleasant place to be but it allows me to engage with my teen on a whole different level. It allows me to humbly admit where I was wrong. Once I’ve done that, it allows us to talk about the situation in a non-confrontational manner.
And when I can’t see where I am wrong in what my teen is blaming me for, I can then ask questions for further understanding. “Honey, thanks for giving me some space a moment ago. I can tell you are really upset. What happened today that made you so angry?”
And regardless of our teens response, regardless of the emotion, continue to ask God for discernment in the moment. Ask your teen to identify his feelings and affirm him. Share why you did what you did in terms of his maturity and why that is so important. Let him know what it is that he needs to learn. And then, if the timing is right, heap affirmation on him with you statements.
“I know that my decision was really difficult for you. You need to know that you are loved and your dad and I want the best for you. You feel passionately about justice and that’s a good thing. I’m glad you shared with me what you were feeling.”
Proverbs 12:18
There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Ephesians 4:29
Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.
Dare you to take inventory of how the word “you” is used in your home. Is it a sword or used for edification?
“Let go…and Let God”,
Are you thinking about Fall Bible Study yet? Wish you could be in one but the time never seems quite right?
Or maybe you’d like to focus on your parenting?
Why not join a group of women in our With All Due Respect eCourse? We meet on Facebook (it’s a closed group) at your convenience. And we will go through the book together as we encourage each other, pray with each other, and support each other. There is extra video teaching and an opportunity to ask questions. We’ve even been known to take time time to chat on the phone with women in the class when parenting situations are really difficult and you could use someone to walk beside you.
As a bonus this fall, if you sign up for the With All Due Respect eCourse, you can also be part of Greater Impact’s Strength & Dignity eCourse for free. There you will find resources for respecting yourself in your defensive relationships and for help in your marriage.
We hope you will join us or do the study with a group of moms in the comfort of your home. Whether your kids are 9 or 29, you’ll be amazed at what God will do in your home as you go through the book.
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Just the other day a couple of us were laughing and shaking our heads “yes” as a mom shared that she was having detailed dreams of things that had happened with her kids for which she felt guilty. She shared how she texted her college-age student one evening when she thought of something she had done–and apologized.
I love that she did that.
After all, hurts can take up residence in the heart of the person we’ve wronged and stay there a lifetime. Apology can be a great way to ease the burden for the other person and for us.
As most of us have experienced, Mom guilt is a thing. We’ve all gone down that path a few times when we’ve said or done something to our kids that we regret. Or maybe it is something we wish we could do for our kid but we can’t.
Several years ago I heard a mom jokingly tell her kids, “In addition to saving up for college for you, maybe we need to start putting money away for the counseling you will need as adults with all the mistakes we’ve made in our parenting.”
I thought is was a great line and so true.
Humor aside, as moms we all know that we’ve made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes in our parenting. But do we need to feel the heavy guilt for what we’ve done?
As our small group of women continued to talk about mom guilt, a very wise woman said it best. “I don’t feel guilty. I just feel sad and have regrets.”
Think about that for a minute. What’s the difference? Guilt versus sadness and regret.
As I tried to wrap my brain around her comment, the wisdom of what this woman was saying spoke volumes.
Guilt implies that you knew what you were doing at the time was wrong.
Read that last sentence again. Guilt implies that you knew what you were doing at the time was wrong.
There are times when we don’t know what we don’t know, so we can’t be guilty. To me that is freeing.
In my own life I’ve learned to look at things through a lens of not being responsible for everything that happens with my kids. Let me explain. None of us are God. We can’t know everything. There are things we will be blind to until God opens our eyes–typically through a painful event that leads to wisdom.
Our kids didn’t come with an instruction manual. We learn parenting by trial and error and we will make mistakes. But most times we don’t know our parenting decisions are mistakes until we see the outcome that proves we should have taken a different approach. That’s when God peals the blinders from our eyes. That is where we gain wisdom.
So what can we do to get rid of the guilty feeling that the reason our kids are doing bad things, making poor choices, or are struggling is because we weren’t a good enough parent? How do we deal with the judgment we are heaping on ourselves making us believe the lie that we are terrible parents?
Take the guilty feelings and leave them at the foot of the cross. Ask God to help you see truth in that moment. Did you have the knowledge and wisdom that you do now? There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1.
Learn to accept that we aren’t perfect nor will we ever be this side of eternity. We can only parent with the knowledge and wisdom we have at the time.
Forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made. Let God’s mercy wash those feelings away and ask Him to right your wrongs in your kids’ lives. With God all things are possible. Matthew 19:26.
Apologize to your child for the things that come to mind. Even if it happened a decade ago, letting your child know that you are sorry for what you did at the time lets them know you are human and models accepting responsibility for our own mistakes.
If your teen brings something up, apologize, empathize, and if they are ready to listen, share why you made the decision you made. Be sure to give them a hug and let them know they are loved.
When guilt rears its ugly head again, and it will, have scriptures available to keep you from the pit. After all, whatever you have done, whatever guilt or shame you feel, He allowed it to happen. He works all things together for our good. Romans 8:28.
Pray with me.
Dear Heavenly Father,
“Oh how I feel guilty for things that I have done or should have done with my child. I know that I did the best that I could with what I knew in the moment. You created ___________ as a separate human being who has free will. And that’s kind of hard for me to fathom. At times our lives are so intertwined that I wish I could help them see what’s best for them. I’m sad for their choices; however, I know that I cannot own the decisions they’ve made. I am not God. Lord, You are weaving a tapestry that I will not fully comprehend this side of heaven. Please help me to pray without ceasing and let You be God in this situation. My child is yours, Lord. You’ve only given him to me on loan. Help me to do the best I can in each and every moment so that You will receive the glory and honor.
In the precious name of Jesus. Amen.
Knowing that we’ll never be perfect this side of heaven…
“Let go…and Let God”,
Would you like to learn more about letting go of the guilt we put on ourselves as moms? Would you like to deepen your relationship with God and your kids? With All Due Respect isn’t just a book. It’s deep thinking curriculum that will help you look at yourself as you parent. It will give you insight as seen through the lens of moms who are farther ahead in the parenting arena. Why not pick up your copy now or better yet, do it in a small group?
Don’t have a small group? You can join our eCourse with women across the country that are learning how to connect on a deeper level. There you will find support from your eCourse mentors as well as myself. Hope to see you there.
My family is drowning in grief this week. Three funerals to attend within the span of eight days.
One was a blessing. We celebrated the life of my dear Aunt Lois who passed at the age of 79. Having been in the hospital 32 times over the past three years, it was easy to let her go. She had lived her life to the fullest and had touched all of our lives. She needs to be at peace and my uncle, her caregiver who was by her side through everything, deserves time to rest. It has been a long journey.
And then there are the other two deaths–two high school students from the same school. Each committed suicide.
And I wonder how many times these parents have said ‘everything is great with the kids’.
From outward appearance, everything did seem to be on a positive trajectory. Both kids were good students, top athletes, had lots of friends, and a host of other good things that would make a parent say ‘everything is great’.
But it wasn’t.
Don’t get me wrong. Kids make terrible choices at times and the chemistry of the brain that results in someone making such a choice will most likely never be fully understood. Add the pressure to succeed and the possibility of fickle relationships especially during the teen years and it is more easy to accept that these terrible things do happen.
I have no idea what dragon either of these kids might have been facing. All I see is the tragedy of life ended so early. Friends and classmates who will forever remember the aftermath of their death. And the families who will try to put together the pieces for years to come.
And the parents will probably be asking themselves, “What could I have done differently?”
Everything with the kids obviously wasn’t great.
So what can we learn from these two deaths? What could I possibly write that would make a difference?
For these two families, I could only say this: “I’m so very sorry for your loss. Don’t blame yourself for the choice your child made. Grieve. And take your pain to a Heavenly Father who loves you and your child. Forgive your son. Forgiveness brings healing to you. Then use your pain to help others who are going through a similar loss. You know what it feels like and you might be the only person who truly understands. Even though you may never find closure this side of eternity, God sees your broken heart and He can use it for His glory if you let Him.”
To the rest of us parents, I’d say:
Don’t assume that everything is great with the kids. Appearance and reality can be totally different things. Many of us hide our emotions when we get overwhelmed.
Check in often to see how your kids are doing. Ask meaningful questions–not superficial ones that can be answered with ‘yes’, ‘no’, or a grunt.
Resolve conflict. Unresolved conflict whether it ends in anger or is avoided all together leaves residual feelings of doubt, fear, and uncertainty. Conflict resolved well creates connection.
Listen without judgment. Empathize with you child’s situations and feelings. Let them know that it is normal to feel what they are feeling.
Make physical touch part of your relationship. A ruffling of the hair, a hug, a pat on the back all show affection to a teen that says, “I like you and who you are becoming. We’re on the same team.”
Acknowledge the little things even if it is something they are supposed to do. “I so appreciate you being consistent with taking out the trash. I know I can always count on you.”
Have lots of one-on-one time to talk. Ice cream, after school snack, long distance car time all can create an atmosphere of sharing our dreams and fears if we are willing to take the time.
Talk about suicide, what is going on with friends, their struggles at school, and especially how they ‘feel’ in the difficult periods of life.
Don’t be afraid to say ‘no’ if you feel something is inappropriate for your teen. Having to deal with disappointment in the little things helps them learn to deal with the bigger struggles in life.
Teach them to look at life situations with hope. Let them know that the pain in the moment won’t last forever. It is something to work through, grieve, and become a survivor.
Walk with them through the difficulties. When things are tough be available. Coach them on how to look at the situation differently to find peace.
Share the love of God with them teaching them how precious life is and how God loves them so much that He was willing to die so that they might live.
Death can come in many forms for our teens. It can be the suicide of a friend, a loss of a relationship or friendship, a disbelief that someone could do something that hurt them deeply, or even the loss of something they hoped to achieve. In each of these situations, our kids need to grieve. We need to be there to walk beside them and help them process. While we can’t make it better–we can be there to give them hope.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9
We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Dare you to give your kids hope, connection, and a hug this week.
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