Respect in the Little Things

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Just this past week I had to swallow my pride, take a step back, and deal with the disrespect I felt in a healthy way. It was really a little thing–one that could have easily been avoided if the person had just sloughed it off as an over site and moved on.

And I’ll admit it was hard to keep the communication flowing in a way that cultivated relationship rather than me shutting down because I felt chastised.

It started with me asking a question.

The response wasn’t what I expected.

“I sent you an email,” the person stated in a tone of accusation.

“Oh, I must have missed it,” I responded in what I tried to make a light-hearted tone.

“Well I sent it.”

I’m sure I paused at the matter of fact tone as I tried to understand my feeling of deeper accusation.

As I took a deep breath my brain clicked into action and I tried to be upbeat and respond in a non-threatening tone.  “What email address did you send it to? When we moved we changed providers and I had to change my email.” 

The individual shared the email address and sure enough it was my old one.

“I didn’t get an undelivered message. I should have gotten one from the provider if it is no longer in use.” (Translated in my mind, “You didn’t do what you needed to do or this wouldn’t have happened.”)

Unfortunately the conversation digressed even more to others who had not responded to their emails which this person sent.

I laughed to ease the tension. “Guess they got lost somewhere in cyberspace. Oh well. Things happen. It’s not a big deal.” And I eased into the question I had asked in the first place.

“But I want you to know I did what I was supposed to do.” Translated, “Don’t blame me.”

I was shocked at the defensiveness in the tone and a little hurt that she thought I was blaming her for something.

My only goal was to gather information and seek an answer so that I would know what to do next.

I thought I was reaching out in a friendly manner. After all, I appreciated the work this person was doing. It meant a lot that the individual had taken initiative.  Yet, somehow this acquaintance/friend wasn’t picking up on my attempts to connect.

Having had my question answered, my first thought as we ended the conversation was, “What could have possibly happened in this person’s life (most likely childhood) that made it so important to not feel blamed?”  And I began praying for her.

As I thought about the conversation, I couldn’t help but think of the interactions we have with our kids on a daily basis.

  • Does our tone of voice come across to them as if we are scolding them?
  • Do we blame them for things they may not have done?
  • Do we come across as accusatory in the little statements we make putting them on the defensive?
  • Are we inadvertently pushing our kids away rather than creating connection?
  • Do our words make them feel stupid or our sarcastic remarks hurt in a way that makes them feel “less than”?
  • Are we focused on being right rather than the relationship?

I’m sure the individual I had conversation with had no clue as to how I was feeling in the moment.  I’m sure there was no ill-intent of any kind.  For this person, it was most likely a learned response based on how others had responded in the past–most likely out of pain and chastisement that was internalized at a young age.

But there is hope.  

What I’ve learned through the years of dealing with my own pain is that unhealthy communication patterns can be changed.  Sometimes a little humor goes a long way.  Apology can help as well. And there are countless ways we can assess what we are feeling in the moment so that we can change the trajectory of what feels like a negative conversation and turn it into connection.

But it takes introspection and practice.  It takes the will to change ourselves rather than blaming the other person.  And a training weekend sponsored by Greater Impact Ministries can help.  Trust me when I say that a training course I went through almost a decade ago literally changed the outcome of who I am today.  And the active learning environment made it a safe place to figure out what I was doing wrong in the moment and how to change the outcome with a few simple strategies.

The cool part is that our tone of voice, our defensive patterns, and the words we use are only a small piece of the learning.  The training I took all those years ago has transformed into learning that grows exponentially as I encounter new situations every day–especially in my parenting.

James 1:19

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,

This verse saved me the day I asked the question of my friend.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”

And I want the love of my Heavenly Father to flow through me even when it is difficult and I feel disrespected or wrongfully accused.

If you are like me and want to be more like Jesus as you interact with those difficult people in your life, I hope you will join me at our Deflating Defensiveness Training Retreat in the Greater Cincinnati, Ohio area this June.

Women who have attended in the past keep coming back because of what God is doing in their relationships as a result of all they learn.  Another thing that happens as a result of the conference is that you will have continued support as you become part of the continued learning community. Women like you who want to make an impact on their relationships and shine the light of Christ to others will be there.

Healthy communication is learned and we can help you impact your family and friendships.  We hope you will consider joining us in June.  

To find out more:  https://www.greaterimpact.org/deflating-defensiveness-training

Dear Heavenly Father,

Sometimes I have expectations on how my kids should interact with me, yet I don’t always respond in a gentle way.  I get angry, frustrated, and at times defensive and I see the same behaviors from them.  Lord, I want to model your love and connect with them in a healthy way that will impact future generations.  Help me to learn to communicate in a way that shows my love for them just like you show Your love for me.  I so want a connection with my kids that will stand the test of time.  As I pursue You more, help me to also do everything in my power to encourage my children to turn to you.  May your influence in my life shine through me so that others will be influenced to follow you.

In the precious name of Jesus.  Amen.

“Let go…and Let God”,

I realize that a retreat is a huge commitment.  If you aren’t ready to join us in June, can I suggest that you start small with the book With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship With Your Teens & Tweens

If you would like more support than just reading through a book alone, you can join our community eCourse where other Christian moms who have learned our deflating defensive skills will help you learn the process.  We’ll walk beside you on your parenting journey.

 

 

 

 

 

4 Ways to Tame Sibling Taunting

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I’ve heard a new common cliche from lots of young moms over the last several years. “I want to make sure I do everything right so I don’t mess my kid up.” Or, “I wonder how much counseling my kid will need because of something I’ve inflicted on them?”

While I understand that it is easy to get in the mindset that we can completely determine the outcome of our kids’ future by our actions, I wonder if our inaction might be causing more of a problem?

For several years I’ve been paying close attention to family interactions when I’m with friends who have teens.  As I watch the way some siblings treat each other, I wonder if their parents understand the pain and potential damage that is being caused by the demeaning way they treat each other.  My next thought is, “What are they doing to keep their children from believing the verbal lies that are being inflicted?”

First let me say that I get that there can be sibling rivalry, jealousy, and sometimes bullying even in the best of families.  Kids will be kids and as I’ve often heard it said, “If you don’t believe in the devil, you haven’t had kids.”  Truer words have not been spoken.

I’ll admit there have been cruel things that have taken place even in my own family.  My kids have hurt each other at times doing deplorable things all in the name of “fun”.  I’ve seen the despicable way my children have behaved toward each other at times.  And as my kids have become older, I can still see remnants of those harsh words that were spoke to them by their siblings.  

When my kids were younger, I’ll admit that I didn’t have the skill set to impact those situations in a healthy way.  Responses such as “quit doing that to your sister” or “leave your brother alone” were uttered without much action.  Oh, sure, I might send the perpetrator to their room or issue a consequence as a way of getting their attention, and I might even interact with the child that was hurt and tell them I was sorry.  But now, I can see that those actions were not enough.

As I work with women across the country, I see the same wounding in many.  Wounds delivered in childhood or the teen years by people that either want to be seen as “better than” trying to raise the bar in their social ladder or those who because of their own pain choose to hurt others.  The scars are still there.  And it makes me so sad.

So what are some things we can do to help our kids learn that others are precious?  How can we help them see that jealousy, one-ups-man-ship, and name calling and other demeaning gestures have no place in our homes?

  1. Take inventory of how you and your husband speak to one another and to the kids.  Is it something that builds the other up or tears them down?  If you discover that your own lips utter put downs and disparaging remarks, take steps to change the habit.
  2. Rally the troops (hopefully both parents together on the issue) and have conversation about what the Bible says about these behaviors.  Take a stance on what the new behaviors will be in your home.  If everyone is speaking the same or similar language, i.e. disparaging remarks, come up with a system so that the “receiver” has an opportunity to say something that sparks an apology.  I know one family used “ouch” as a reminder when something said was hurtful.
  3. When you become aware of the behavior, call a halt.  Let’s face it, sometimes a cooling off period in their room is a good place to start.  After they’ve cooled down, have a one-on-one talk about appropriate behavior and how they have hurt the other sibling.  Encourage them to apologize for the offense.  (Be sure to teach them how to give a full, sincere apology.)
  4. And most importantly, be sure to console the underdog.  Help the child name his feelings.  Listen as he tells his story.  Show tenderness and assure the child that what was said over him is not true.  Let him know that you are on his side and no one should treat him that way.  Pray together asking God to let him forgive his brother for what he did.  Maybe even encourage him to go to the sibling (with a parent there to coach) and let him tell how he feels and how he hopes it won’t happen again.  Make sure this child feels heard and knows he didn’t deserve what he received from his brother.

I know that kids do dumb things at times and our kids need to be able to deal with a little lighthearted teasing so they can deal with the real world; however, don’t we want our home to be a safe haven for our kids?  What if our homes were known for the peace within them?  After all, don’t we want those hurt feelings to not sting quite as much during the holidays when our kids all get together as adults?

2 Corinthians 13:11

Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.

Praying your new year is full of peace, love, and laughter.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

Why not start off the year assessing changes that could make a difference in your parenting?  With All Due Respect isn’t just a book to read, it’s a place to start conversation with other moms, your spouse, or even just a place to ponder the decisions you make as a parent.  It’s guaranteed to help you look at parenting differently as you work through the exercises.

 

Broken Trust?

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“It’s shattered,” came the response from the orthopedic surgeon  as he looked at my 21 year old son’s  x-rays.  “Impressive,” he continued  with a grin.  “How did you do this?” Read more

How to Deal With An Angry Parent

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On a radio interview this week the host asked me a pointed question.  “How should mom deal with the situation when Dad is yelling at the teen in an over-the-top way?  Should she step in?  Should she keep her mouth shut?”

I didn’t hesitate for a second because the question comes up all the time.  Some Dads can be hotheaded, and if we want to be honest with ourselves, as moms we can be too.  Emotional fury has no gender preference.  And unfortunately it is a common occurrence in most homes.

We feel free to “be our true selves” with the ones we most love.

Family can also be where the most emotional wounding can take place.

Feeling the wrath of another person is hard to experience let alone watch as it unfolds before our very eyes.  We’ve all been there with the hurt and pain that comes with anger and defensiveness from another person.  And we don’t want our child to feel similar pain.

Ironically, God allowed that tormenting pain to come crashing into my life this week from someone who was/is very dear and precious to me.

Notice my “was/is” statement.  I’m still trying to process our relationship.

“Does this person love me?  Or loathe me?  Does this person care about me or my feelings?  Does this person really have my best interest at heart?  Do I want to continue loving this person the way I have in the past?  Should I cut off my feelings from this person so I won’t be hurt in the future?  How should I re-define our relationship based on this new knowledge of who this person truly is?”

It’s the mind’s way of self-protection.  It’s the only way I can feel in control of my current circumstance.

It’s no different for our kids.  When they experience the anger from a parent, they might not be equipped to verbally process the pain like I am, but they feel it.

It took me a while to process my emotions over the incident this week.  You see, I wasn’t taught as a child to look at how I feel in a given situation.  I couldn’t easily put words to my emotion.

Finally, with a friend’s help, I was given a word list.  Betrayed.  Angry.  Unloved.  Violated.  All these were only the tip of the iceberg.

Taken for granted.  Not worth the effort to really be known. And more feelings continue to surface.

I want connection and a sincere apology.

The person has attempted to connect without dealing with my pain.  A “life will continue as normal” mentality has entered our relationship.  But I’m scarred.

Think about our kids.  Every interaction where there is unresolved conflict results in damage to the relationship.  We may think that things are fine, but underneath the surface something is still brewing.  Mistrust is seeping in and most likely, as a parent, we have no idea we have affected our kids.

If we stand by and say nothing when the other parent is yelling at our teen, we are communicating (non-verbally, of course) to our child that “Dad (or Mom) is right and they deserve it”.  If we enter into the shouting match taking one side over the other, then one of them is going to feel disrespected and damage that relationship.

It becomes what most of us consider a no win situation.  With either choice someone is hurt.

As I shared with the radio host, if the other parent is being verbally or physically abusive with our teen, we need to take action to stop the situation.  When emotions are high someone has to be the adult in the room and if that means stepping between our teen and the other parent or calling the police then do so.   Those are extreme circumstances and not the ones most moms deal with on a routine basis.

Most times parents just want control of a situation with their kids.  Either the parent is upset at something the teen did or didn’t do and wants their kid to “get the message”.  Or the teen is making a request that seems unreasonable and brings fear to the parent.  Either way, emotions rise, and the parent has learned that using his voice by screaming and reading a child the riot act will get the teen’s attention.

But how can we (the other parent) deescalate the situation?

Proverbs 15:1

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Matthew 18:15

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.”

  • Try walking into the room and gently putting your hand on your spouse’s shoulder.  Sometimes touch will soothe the anger and quiet the mind.
  • If the hand doesn’t work, try speaking into the situation.  “I can tell that both of you are upset.  Can we take a break to calm down and finish this conversation later this evening?”
  • Give your spouse some time to calm down and then try to have conversation about the circumstances.  “I know you are really upset about this.  It’s hard to be a parent and to know what is most important for our kids to learn.  You are a good dad and you want the best for ______.  (Continue talking in positive language).  What do you think you could do to resolve this issue without damaging the relationship?  Then talk through how to interact with the child in a more healthy manner.  (Remember, your spouse may not have had this modeled for him in a healthy way.  Give him the benefit of the doubt.  He does love your child even if he doesn’t know how to deal with the conflict or his emotions.)
  • Encourage your spouse to re-engage with an apology to your child for getting so upset.
  • If all goes well, you are on your way to healthier family relationships.

But what if  your spouse is not open to this kind of coaching and encouragement?

Jeremiah 22:3

Do what is just and right. Rescue from the hand of the oppressor the one who has been robbed

Ezekiel 34:11-12

“For thus says the Lord God: Behold, I, I myself will search for my sheep and will seek them out. As a shepherd seeks out his flock when he is among his sheep that have been scattered, so will I seek out my sheep, and I will rescue them from all places…”

  • Let your child know that you don’t condone their father’s behavior and that you are sorry for what they had to experience.
  • After apologizing for their dad’s behavior, sit with your child’s pain.
  • Allow them to talk.  Help your teen identify their emotions.  Soothe them as best you can.
  • Normalize dad’s behavior.  “All of us have blind-spots.  Your dad was never taught how to control his feelings and at times they explode.  I’m sorry that you seem to get the brunt of those.  You know that your dad loves you, right?” (Talk about the things Dad does right and help your child see that Dad really does love him.)
  • Apologize again–this time you are sorry you can’t change Dad’s behavior.  Let your child know that you love them and you love their dad as well.
  • Talk through strategies the child could use the next time this occurs.  Teach him how to de-escalate the tension.
  • Give your teen lots of hugs and support until he has worked through the emotion.
  • Pray with your child that God will do a mighty work in his father’s heart.

May God bless you as you attempt to restore the relationships in your home.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Want to practice some of these skills in a safe environment?  Want to learn more ways to work through the shouting matches in your home and resolve conflict in a healthy way?

Join us at our Deflating Defensiveness Training Retreat May 30-June 3, 2018.  Nina Roesner and I will pair up to not only give you the skills, but help you put together a plan specific to your own personal circumstances.  You’ll be encouraged and leave with a new perspective on how relationships can be more fulfilling in your own home.