Christmas Memories

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This has been a year to reflect on our family Christmas memories. With the death of my daughter this year the details of Christmas are more pronounced than ever.  The glaring reminders that it is time to celebrate even though I’m not quite in the mood. 

I’ve found that I am over-consciously aware of my surroundings.  The trees are greener, the decorations more detailed, and I have a sense of every Christmas smell.  Yesterday we had an extended family get-together and someone wrote nutmeg as a reminder of the season.  I could almost smell it in a pumpkin pie even though there wasn’t one in the house.  It is as if my senses are on steroids aware of every particular aspect surrounding me– especially the vacuum deep in my soul.  The hollowness of something missing.  Someone is missing.

As the children’s choir stood on stage this year, I saw our daughter as an 8 years old be-bopping to the music.  As I shopped I saw her as a 13 year old spraying all the scents at the perfume counter deciding which was the best.  I remembered when she came home from college one year and we went Christmas shopping on Black Friday.  We could barely carry all the bags to the car because of all the outfits we bought her for under $50 at the Macy’s sale. 

Memories are everywhere I go with all the details.  And I will admit that not all of them are good.  The things I got upset about.  The frustration I showed in my voice.  The things I could have said differently or the hug that I could have extended in a difficult moment.  You see, at the time, the details weren’t so vivid.  They were lost in the commotion of everything else that had to be done.

And if I can convey anything to you as a mom, “Please don’t let everything else around you be more important than the details with your kids.  The table might not be perfect or the pie might be a little burnt.  You might forget to buy the nuts for Uncle Ted’s favorite cranberry sauce.  But-none-of-it-matters.”

The only thing that matters is what they will remember–what you will remember.

  • If we’re tired and worn out, they’ll remember us yelling at them for the umpteenth time. 
  • If we have one more thing to do, they’ll remember that we didn’t have time for them.
  • If everything isn’t perfect and we let them know, they’ll think they never measure up.
  • If impressing our extended family is more important than our kids’ requests, they’ll feel they aren’t as important as others in the room.

We have the power to change all that.  But it takes looking at the details.  It means we have to look in the mirror at us.  What do we want our children to see?  What do we want their detailed memories to be?

Even though our loss is heavy, I choose to see the flip-side.  Now instead of singing on stage as an 8 year old, my daughter is singing with a choir of real angels glorifying our heavenly Father in person.  She has a front row seat to what the season is all about.  She smells the sweet aroma of sacrifice as she’s dressed in white.

The details of all the Christmas hymns seem to have more meaning to me now.  Even though there is a void, I long to hear the words of the carols.  “We hear the Christmas angels, the great glad tidings tell; O come to us, abide with us, our Lord Emmanuel!”

Now that the crazy busyness is over in preparation for the Christmas season, I hope you’ll take some time to reflect on what this season really means to you and what you want for your kids.  Even if your teens and tweens are in a stage where they are tough to love, try to extend grace in the midst of their struggle.  These are times when we need the strength of our heavenly Father.

Someone sent me an email earlier this week and the words have resonated with me all week.  It’s what I want this Christmas season.

I hope your Christmas is filled with silent moments with the King, and love overflowing to family and friends. 

Silent moments with the King!  That’s what I want.  

Now that Christmas is here, I hope you will rest in Him.  May He be your guide and strength during the season.  And may your silent moments with the King reveal the details of His everlasting love.

Luke 2:14

“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”

May His favor rest on you as you create memories this holiday season.  May you find peace in Him today and be sure to find time to carve out silent moments with the King.

“Let go…and Let God”,

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Seizing the Moment

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Sweet chip cookies with dry cranberry,selective focus

Sitting in my kitchen drinking my morning tea, I had my to-do list in hand. All those things I didn’t get done last week!!

If you are like me, sometimes I obsess over what hasn’t gotten accomplished. Life is good when things are being removed from my to-do list. It’s finished…time to celebrate by marking it off the list!! When nothing leaves the list…it obviously was a bad week…or is it?

As I started thinking about all the things that had gotten in the way of a successful week, I felt God’s gentle nudge.

“Debbie, success in your eyes is getting THINGS done. Think back to what happened last week. Was it really a bad week? Would you want to trade the time you would have spent doing something on this list over what you did?”

Hmm…

In my mind, the replay of my week began.

My son had text me the night before he was to come home from college for fall break. “Mom, would you mind coming to get me? I don’t think I need to be driving home. I’m sore from getting hurt in a basketball game and don’t think it would be wise for me to be on the road.”

Luckily, I had looked at the situation as a sign of maturity rather than in light of my to-do list. My 19 year old had put enough forethought into the fact that he shouldn’t be driving because of his pain!! Of course I went to go get him!

It cost me six hours of driving time over a four day period, but it was time that we spent together…talking and catching up on each other’s world. It eased us back into the “back to normal” relationship we had before he left for school. I wouldn’t have traded it for a moment!

So what else did I do? I took my son to a couple of doctors since he didn’t have his car home to drive himself. We talked, we spent time together laughing, joking, and talking about how walking into one of the doctor’s offices was like going to visit family! It wasn’t a burden…it was good!!

We even had lunch at his favorite restaurant.

The joy I saw on his face while he was eating his favorite meals I had taken time to fix, made my time well spent. We laughed about how tired he was with the cafeteria food on campus and the only pizza place in the small college town wasn’t a national chain. It was good to watch how he was learning to appreciate the small things in life…even my cooking!

Then there was worship together on Sunday morning and the discussion of the sermon on the ride home of how he could implement it in his own life. We talked about churches he had visited near the college campus. Wow, he’s starting to think so much more deeply having been on his own for less than three months. One of life’s joys!

Yes, he asked if I would do his laundry…and I did (not grudgingly because I knew the pain he was in). As I pulled out what I thought would be a mountain of stinky stained college kid shirts that had probably shrunk from being in too hot of a dryer and sheets that had probably been on the bed since he left, I was amazed to see that it wasn’t at all what I expected! He had obviously learned the secret of washing clothes that would even make his grandmother proud. An opportunity to affirm his movement into self-sufficiency and give him kudos for a job well done!

Then I remembered the “cookie request”.

“Mom, it sure would be great if you could make another batch of cookies for the guys in the dorm.”

How could I turn that down?

His roommate had even jumped on Skype with us one night about a month ago thanking me for the best cookies ever. So with a heart of joy and contentment, I made a batch of cookies for him to take back to his new friends…my gift of love.

While the thought of the week made me smile, laughing that I had thought that my unaccomplished tasks on my to-do list were more important, a wave of sadness also surrounded me.

Why had I not taken those opportunities with all my kids?

What was so important that it couldn’t have waited?

I rejoiced that I had finally learned to live in the moment rather than thinking about all those things not done…but how many opportunities had I squandered? How many times have I forfeited relationship with my kids for THINGS on my to-do list?

I had no idea what that text to go get my son from college would teach me. But I’m learning…

Psalm 46:10

“Be still and know that I am God”

As our children get older there will be less time to connect. Seize every opportunity and be in the moment when they desire our time and service. Be still…listen to their desires and dreams…fill their cups to overflowing with your love…that way, they’ll want to come back for more.

Respect the fact that they are becoming adults but sometimes still want to just enjoy having mom or dad be there for them.

DARE YOU to respond to a reasonable request of your time from your tween, teen, or twenty-something without listing all the things you won’t get done because you are being there for them.

DOUBLE DARE YOU to initiate some time to take your kid out for some one-on-one time at their favorite restaurant or ice cream place talking about their world.

Hoping to re-establish patterns to live in the moment!

“Let Go… and Let God”,

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Dare 15 – The Respect Dare – Where Is Your Treasure? – For Parents of 20-Somethings

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Several years ago as I was finishing up some bills at my desk, I had the urge to call my son who was away at college. Looking at the clock, I hesitated. “Maybe he’s in bed”, I thought to myself. “It is almost 11:00.” I knew it was wishful thinking on my part to believe that a college student would actually be in bed that time of night, but I talked myself out of the call anyway.

At the time I had no idea that my husband who was in the other room was having the same urge to call the same son around the same time. As I came into the bedroom, I saw my husband hang up the phone. You see, he had followed his instinct and called. The only problem was that he got voicemail.

Within minutes, the phone rang. It was our oldest returning our call. “Dad, sorry I couldn’t get to the phone. I was at the gym when you called. I’ve got some friends taking me to the hospital. I think I may have broken my foot. I’ll call you when I know more.”

Of course, as a mother standing on the sidelines listening to one side of the conversation, I had a million and one questions. My husband encouraged me to go to bed telling me we’d probably know the answer in a few hours. With the ringer on the phone turned up as loud as it could go, I reluctantly climbed in bed.

I don’t know about you, but these are times when as a mother, I realize what treasures my children really are. When they are hurting I want to be there for them, hold them in my arms, and assure them everything is going to be okay. But here I was more than a two hour drive away and I was helpless. I still had no real data. Only the parting words my son gave my husband, “Dad, I think this is really bad.”

It’s times like this that I not only treasure my children, and my husband for following his instincts, but I also treasure my father in heaven who loves my children more than I do. He is their creator and I have to put my trust in him to take care of them (after all, they’re His children, too). It’s totally up to Him when I can’t be there.

Matthew 6:20-21

But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

At 3 am the phone woke me from a restless sleep. “Someone is taking me back to my apartment, Mom. The doctor said it’s shattered. I have to be back at the hospital at 9 am for surgery.”

A Mother’s Nightmare.

At 6 am I woke once again to make the two hour drive. Wouldn’t you know it, several inches of snow lay on the road with schools closed. The interstate was shut down close to our home. It didn’t matter. I would be there to pick him up. He does need to know that I treasure him.

By the grace of God, I did arrive to pick him up on time. I helped him gather the things he would need. “Mom, you didn’t need to make the trip. I could have managed. I have friends that could have taken me.”

“Matt, I know. But you do realize that I wanted to be here for you if at all possible.”

“Yeah, Mom. I know. I do appreciate it,” he grinned.

It’s easy as parents to be there for our adult children when they are physically hurting. It’s easier to treasure the relationship with them when they most likely are willing to accept our help. But the real question is, “Are you there for them when they are emotionally hurting?” Do you treasure them when they think they’ve got it all together or won’t accept your advice?

Our children are our legacy. Dare you to reach out to your 20-something today to show them how much you treasure them.

“Let go…and let God”,


Hope you will join Nina Roesner as she provides insight on marriage and Leah Heffner as she blogs to wives with little people as we go through The Respect Dare together.


Dare 12 – The Respect Dare – It’s Not About ME? – For Parents of Tweens & Teens

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Cornered as we walked into church on Sunday morning, I watched another mom reach out to my junior high son just steps ahead of me. “Not so fast,” she murmured, “we need to talk with your mom.” Not even allowing him to speak, she ushered my 13 year old son over to me. I watched as he bowed his head in shame knowing what was coming next.

“You would not believe what your son did yesterday!” she hissed. “Do you know the kind of things that your son is doing to animals? He’s torturing them…torturing them and then laughing about it to his friends! You need to know that what he is doing is absolutely sick! I heard all about it when he was in my car yesterday. Your poor cat! Did you know that he stuck that poor kitten into a …”

Luckily, this was not my first time encountering one-of-those moms. In the past, I had handled these situations all wrong, frustrated that my child had embarrassed me in front of another adult! Horrified at what they were being accused of, I would make sure to take my child down a notch or two in front of the other mom, allowing her to see that I was a ‘good’ mom who took my parenting role seriously.

Truth be known, and I do hate to admit it, I’ve been one of those moms myself when my kids were younger. You know….sitting there in judgment…wanting to make sure that I played the role of traffic cop well, radar
watching for any offense that I saw as being wrong. “After all”, I reasoned, “if I don’t point out this weakness in a kid to his parents, then it can’t be dealt with. I would want to know if my child did something like this. I need to do the same for other parents.”

Whoa…faulty thinking on my part!!

 


With time, I had learned the error of my ways. This time, I was more prepared to salvage the relationship with my son rather than prove that I was a good mom…rather than believe that the adult side of the story was right when I knew there were two sides. I had learned through scripture and experience that my son deserved a fair trial.

…And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8b

“Lord, help me to take a deep breath and walk humbly with you in this situation.” I muttered to myself.

After taking our verbal chastisement from Mrs. Gibson, I assured her that I would speak to my son about it and thanked her for her concern. Quickly, I swept my son out of the woman’s sight with arms around his back laughingly asking him, “Are you alright?”

With a sheepish nod, he replied, “Mom, it wasn’t like that at all!

“It’s okay, son, we’ll work through it. I know you well enough that there has to be another side to this story. We’ll talk about it after lunch this afternoon. Don’t worry about Mrs. Gibson. Just go enjoy Sunday school with your friends.”

He gave me a slight smile as I winked at him, assuring him that we’d get through the ordeal with the now dreaded, Mrs. Gibson.

As I expected, Mrs. Gibson’s version was far from what I thought my son was capable of conjuring up on his own.

“Son, so tell me what happened yesterday when you were in the car with Mrs. Gibson.”

As my son rattled off the events of the previous day, the light bulb began to illuminate. Oh my, these weren’t his stories…these were stories his dad had told him about pranks he remembered being played during his college days! I wasn’t sure if I was more upset that my husband had actually shared those stories with our kids or horrified to think that my son might have actually considered doing something similar on his own.

“Son, did you ever do that to our cat?” I ventured.

“Mom, you know how it is with us guys. We sometimes do stupid stuff, and I will admit that one time I stuck her in the old microwave out in the garage. But it wasn’t plugged in! We intended to get her out right away, but you remember, the door got stuck and Dad had to take it apart to get the cat out. I felt horrible! I would never intentionally hurt Duchess!”

“It was the same way, yesterday,” he continued. “Mark, James, and I laughed retelling the story of Duchess, and one thing led to another, and James told us what his dad had done to the dog when it died, and the stories just kept getting more and more exaggerated. Mrs. Gibson thought they were all true and started yelling at us before we had a chance to explain.”

“So she doesn’t know the truth?” I asked, trying to hide the laughter that was welling up inside me.

“I guess not.”

As we put together a plan for him to redeem himself with Mrs. Gibson, I thanked God that I had kept my cool with my son after Mrs. Gibson’s reprimand. My husband and I would have a good laugh about this one tonight behind closed doors. Boys at this age can get themselves in the strangest predicaments!

BOTTOM LINE: Our Kid’s behavior is not about us! We sometimes want to think that it is…but it isn’t. Our first inclination is to “prove” that we are good parents by giving other parents what they want…some sort of chastisement for what they see as a child’s sin. In reality parenting is about helping our children know that we will always believe in their innocence until they are proven guilty. If we listen to both sides, before passing judgment, we have a better chance of building relationship even through the trials of the tween and teen years.

Dare you to ask questions next time a situation appears to incriminate your child, holding your tongue until all sides have spoken.

Learning beside you.

“Let go…and let God”


Be sure to join Nina Roesner and Leah Heffner as we blog through The Respect Dare together!

Dare 9 – The Respect Dare – Developing Patience – For Parents of 20-Somethings

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Driving back home from campus having just dropped their youngest daughter off from a weekend visit home, Lynette turned to Russ and began chuckling. “Isn’t it amazing how God has grown us!” she began. I can’t believe we were able to respond as we did.”

“You are so right,” Russ responded. “I guess raising four kids will do that for you. I love that kid so much and just want her to be successful.”

The day had started out similar to every Sunday on the weekends that Britney had chosen to come home. Together they would get up and go to church and rush home to pack up her things. Clean laundry, books, computer, purse, snacks for the dorm, became the routine checklist. Lynette would usually make a visual sweep of every room just to make sure Britney hadn’t forgotten anything that she might need for the next few weeks.

Typically they headed out the door for Britney’s restaurant of choice. That was her ‘treat’ for the weekends that she came home. “Yeah, something other than the standard cafeteria fare!” she would sing.

As they were leaving the restaurant with half a pizza left from their meal, Britney gasped. “Oh, no! I forgot to get my shirt for the concert out of the dryer. I’m so sorry, Dad, but we’ve got to go back home!”

Twenty minutes to return home wasn’t really that big of a deal. “At least it’s early enough in the day that we can still make it back home before dark,” he responded.

On the road again, the conversation was light. It was obvious that Lynette and Russ were just enjoying being with their daughter and hearing her talk about her world at school. They had never fathomed how much they would miss the chatter of their kids until this one left for college.

About an hour into the drive, Britney remembered something important. “Oh, I can’t believe it. Mom, we didn’t get laundry detergent!”

Responding with extreme calmness, Lynette suggested they take a detour into the next town and find a grocery store. “Glad you thought of it now,” she remarked. With that, Russ took the next exit without emotion or frustration. In ten minutes they were back on the highway.

With less than 10 minutes until they would arrive at Britney’s dorm, a distraught groan of “Oh, Dad, you are going to kill me!” came from Britney’s lips. “Did either of you pick up my dorm keys? I didn’t see them on the table with my other stuff. I can’t get in my dorm without them. We’ll need to go back home.”

Russ quickly pulled off to the side of the road to scan the van for the keys. As they looked, Russ remembered having put them on the key hook at home. None of them had thought to grab it when they left. Starting to turn around and drive the hour and a half home, Lynette suggested that they call campus security to get Britney in her dorm room so she could get the things done she needed for class tomorrow. It was decided that Russ would return with the key later that evening…another three hours on the road.

Playing back the day’s events with Russ, Lynette was able to reconstruct what would have happened if this has been their firstborn. First, Lynette would have chastised him for forgetting the shirt. Then when the laundry detergent had come up, she would have told him that he needed to plan ahead. She knew that both she and Russ would have been upset that they had to give up that extra time stopping at the store and would have probably let their emotions show how much he had upset their day! But the key would have set both of them off into a spiraling whirlwind of accusations of “whose fault it was”. They would have given voice to words that would have destroyed, rather than nurtured the relationship.

Proverbs 18:4

The words of a man’s mouth are deep waters, but the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook.

Forgetfulness by our 20-somethings can be frustrating if we are the ones impacted by their lack of thought. May God give you patience and wisdom as you provide servant leadership and keep your tongue in check.

“Let go…and let God,”


Hope you will join Nina Roesner as she provides insight on marriage and Leah Heffner as she blogs to wives with little people as we go through The Respect Dare together.


Hijacked Holidays

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Right now I’m wondering if it is too late to purchase those cruise tickets for the holidays!

After the hustle and bustle of shopping, wrapping, trimming the tree, and listening to the last minute “Oh, by the way, Mom, I forgot to tell you I am really hoping you got me ____________ for Christmas!” Along with trying for the fifth time to get all my twenty-somethings in the same place at the same time for Christmas dinner, Christmas Eve dinner, or any day the last week of December…

I’ve given up this year!!!

That cruise is sounding better by the minute.
I feel kind of like the bride who at the last week before her wedding is ready to elope!

Several years ago the movie, Christmas with the Kranks, based on the book Skipping Christmas, by John Grisham, kept me laughing through the Christmas season. My oldest, just then a senior in high school, was several years away from making his own decisions about going elsewhere for Christmas. Oh, sure, there was the going back and forth between our house and his girlfriend’s at the time, but then it was easy to work through timing of Christmas day. After all, teenage boys are ready to eat as many meals as possible in one day and still have room for extra dessert!

I remember watching the movie and reading the book, which catapulted me into the Christmas spirit, without having any idea of the emotion behind the laughter. The book was humorous…the movie borderline ridiculous…so I thought!

As I sit here contemplating this Christmas season, I now understand the desire to create joy for the holidays! Fun, festive, and lively would keep my emotions at bay. Something like a cruise could get me focused on something different other than my reality. I’m wrapped up in wanting Christmas to be a family affair, traditions that we’ve always had, everyone in the same place at the same time, and, of course, wanting the “significant other” that they’ve chosen to spend the holiday with to be someone worthy of giving up our family Christmas for.

I’m ready to do anything to lift my spirits from the realization that no matter what I want for the holidays…I am not in control! I will not get what I want!!

Even though it is difficult, I’m choosing to respect my twenty-somethings’ wishes. I’m choosing not to guilt them into doing things the way I would prefer…all in one place at the same time. I’m giving them choice to be here or not on their terms. For the first year in more than a decade since my first started dating, I’ve set a time to open presents as a family and they can choose whether they are going to be part of the festivities.

I’m realizing that there comes a point where traditions need to be flexible and change will occur. I’m choosing to embrace the change this year without whining to those that are pulling away. I’m promising myself to keep my tongue in check…

Ephesians 4:29

 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

My twenty-somethings need to spread their wings. They need to learn to make difficult choices without the guilt. And the truth is…

I need to let go!

It is time for my husband and I to keep the traditions our children will allow us to maintain and create new ones that will help us remember the true meaning of Christmas.

Isaiah 9:6

For unto us a Child is born, Unto us a Son is given…

This holiday season, God is transitioning my thinking! In the past, Christmas has always centered around our children, teaching them about the Christ child, showing them the love that He has shared with us. He’s showing me that here…our work is coming to completion.

This year, God has given us friends to minister with in the moving of our kids into their own adulthood. We’re two families at the same stage of life…transitioning to show others the love that Christ has shared with us. We are actively choosing to spend the day with families who are less fortunate serving a Christmas meal. He’s teaching me to extend that love out into the world, by giving of myself.

Yes, the cruise sounds like fun…and I certainly wish we could maintain the tradition of family Christmas together…but I’m choosing to find the joy in this phase of life change.

Dare you to find the joy this Christmas season.

Double dare you to join us in sharing it outside of family.

Learning to let go in a big way this holiday season.

“Let go…and let God.”

Debbie