Owning What Is Ours To Own

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Sitting in a counselor’s office as an early 30-something, I remember the psychologist introducing me to the conflict triangle.  It appeared that I had been part of one since childhood without even understanding how I was participating.  What I discovered was that when the two people in my life were in conflict, I was the emotional support for both of them creating the third part of the triangle.  The two of them would come to me individually and share their woes about the other person.

And I’d fix the problem.

I’d empathize with each of their feelings.

And because I knew both sides of the issue, I’d say the words that needed to be said to each of them separately.

Magic!  They’d make up and life would go on.

The truth was that neither of these people knew how to resolve conflict in a healthy way.

As parents, it is easy to create a conflict triangle without even realizing it.  After all, don’t we want to fix our kid’s problems when they bring them to us?  And, as all of us know, sometimes it is easier and quicker to just fix the conflict issue rather than trying to teach and coach our kids how to manage conflict on their own.

Dare 11 in With All Due Respect is all about owning what is ours to own and teaching our kids to own what is theirs.

But how many times do we step in the middle even though our kids have reached the tween, teen, and sometimes 20-something years? We fix it because that’s the way we’ve always handled these situations.

We forget that our role as parents is to teach our kids to start thinking like adults.  We need to model healthy relationships, healthy conflict, and healthy boundaries.  We need to coach them through the process so they become good at handling their relationships.

Let me share a few examples.  Remember, these are tweens, teens, and 20-somethings relationships.

Example 1:  Say you get a call from a neighbor who is upset about the job your son did mowing her lawn.  She calls you to complain.  You can:

  1. Thank her and go fix the problem.
  2. Thank her and tell her you’ll make sure your son takes care of it.  Then tell your son what she said and make him go fix it.  Then follow up with the neighbor to make sure he did it right.
  3. Thank her and tell her that you are trying to teach your son to take responsibility for his work.  Let her know that you are trying to respect your son and will ask him to come see her.  Let her know that she’ll need to communicate with him exactly what she needs.

Example 2:  Your daughter is upset at something her friend, Misty, is doing that she doesn’t think is a good idea.  You know Misty and her mother.  You can:

  1. Call Misty’s mother and raise her awareness of the situation.
  2. Tell Misty that you know what is going on and try to counsel her the next time she comes over.
  3. Coach your daughter through ways she can help Misty and let her know you are willing to get involved if she thinks you would be helpful in the situation.

Example 3:  Your teens are always arguing over the bathroom before school in the morning.  You can:

  1. Take the door off its hinges.
  2. Listen to both sides of their argument and make a family rule and enforce it.
  3. Coach your teens through coming up with their own system to resolve the conflict and let them own their problem.

Example 4:  Your husband left a note for your son to complete a chore after school.  Your teen has come to you complaining and you recognize that it is too much for your teen to handle given his school work and sports practice.  You can:

  1. Do the chore for him.
  2. Call your husband and get your teen off the hook.
  3. Suggest that the teen call his dad and negotiate a reasonable completion time and explain what is already on his schedule.  Let your son know that if the conversation doesn’t go well, you are willing to get involved if necessary.

It doesn’t surprise me that most parents will typically solve the problem with either option 1 or 2.  It’s easier.  It’s quicker.  And the problem goes away.  Finished.

But what did our teen learn?  Mom will fix it.

Now we find ourselves in the middle of an unhealthy conflict triangle continuing to be put in a position of fixing their problems.

Matthew 18:15

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” 

Dare you to consider how you can unhook unhealthy conflict triangles and coach your teens through handling their own conflicts.  If you do, they’ll become more mature in learning to own what is theirs to own.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Want more ways to think about how you parent and build relationship with your tweens and teens?

Why not grab the book With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens and Tweens  and go through it.  Maybe even ask your  friends to join you.  It will change the way you look at your role as a parent and how you help your teens mature.

And we promise to make it easy to lead.  You don’t need to be a perfect parent; you don’t need to have perfect kids; and you don’t need to have ever led a group before.  A Small Group Leader’s Guide is available with questions for group discussion.

If you want to interact with me, we’re offering the With All Due Respect eCourse for a limited time for free!  Be sure to grab your book now.

It will change your relationships with God, with your spouse, and with your kids.

Dare ya!

 

When Our Kids Are Angry At Us

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I remember the event vividly.  One of my sons did something that that had me questioning whether I could trust him.  He had done something that was against our family rules; it was something that could have negative consequences to him and we had been explicit in explaining the reason for our decree.

But he did it anyway.

And someone else saw him do it and told us.

Definitely an act that had us questioning his integrity.

Ugh!  I hate those parenting situations.

So what do you do when your teen disobeys you?  

  1. Confront in love.  For us, we sat with our son and once again explained the reason for our family rule.  Thankfully he admitted that he was wrong and seemed repentant for his actions.
  2. Determine consequence if any.  Based on our particular situation we didn’t actually issue a consequence.  As our son had legally just become an adult, we chose to put a boundary in place instead.  It went something like this, “We understand that because you are an adult you want to push our limits and make your own choices.  What you did was not a good choice and it impacted what others now think about you.  You have to decide if you are a good kid or want to be seen as a rebel. The rule remains in effect for each of you kids and it is there because we love you and want the best for you.  Right now we don’t trust you.  Your job is to rebuild trust with us.  Do you understand?  It means obeying the rules especially when it comes to this one.”   
  3. Love but be on alert.  We went back to the way things had always been.  We assumed the best yet kept our eyes open for signs that our son wasn’t living up to the family expectations.

And about a month later, he was caught again.

Really?  Did he not learn his lesson?

I had one of those mom hunches but really didn’t believe he would do it again.  After all, he is typically a responsible kid.  

But, yes, he was caught.

And he got angry when confronted.  

“I’m 18.  I’m an adult.  I have a right.”

“Yes, honey, those things are all true.  However, you are still living under our roof.  We pay the bills.  And as long as you stay here and we feed you, clothe you, and provide transportation for you, you need to submit to our rules.”  I’ll admit I was upset, but I tried to say this in the most calm, controlled voice I could muster.

With that the accusations started.  You know the ones.  The anger, the blame, the “you can’t do that”, and whatever else he could think of came tumbling out of his mouth.

It was hard, but I chose to stand firm.  The scripture verse kept rambling around in my head, “Let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes’, and your ‘no’ mean ‘no’.”  

Once again I challenged him on his disobedience, the cover-up of his actions, and the lie.  I told him that he was supposed to be rebuilding trust yet it was fractured more than ever.  And I told him he had a decision to make.  He could either choose to obey or choose to be an adult on his own.

And he walked off with continued anger.

We tried to talk with him, but his anger continued to spew every time we were with him.

And then the silent treatment came.  He refused to talk with us even when spoken to.  Dinner was eaten in silence.  An encounter in the hall was met with a glare.

We tried to talk about the situation, but his emotion still remained out of control.  It went on for an entire day and I was emotionally drained.  How could this kid act this way?  I wanted to get angry back.  I wanted to tell him all the reasons he was wrong.

And then I remembered some things about anger and emotions that a wise counselor once told me.

  1. We all have to work through our emotions.
  2. Working through our emotions takes time.
  3. When we lose something that we think is important to us we need time to grieve the loss.
  4. The best thing a parent can do is give our kid space when they are angry at us.

So I silently waited.  I would communicate “here’s what we’re doing tonight” kind of information to him and continued to love him, but I didn’t demand he respond.  I didn’t tell him he was being rude and disrespectful.  I–silently–waited.  

Not one day, not two days, but three and a half days later in the kitchen I noticed that he spoke to me.  It was a random question about dinner.  

I responded.

He carried on a conversation at dinner with the family.

And then two days after that, when it seemed that he had worked through his emotions, we talked.  He let me know how he was feeling.  He shared why he responded as he did.  And I apologized for making him angry.

Notice I didn’t apologize for my actions.  I apologized for how I made him feel.

And then we moved on.

He knew he needed to rebuild trust.  We talked about our need for him to tell the truth and not cover up his disobedience.  We had already talked about the consequences of his second offense and talked about our expectations of his future behavior.

And we diligently watched.

Parenting can be a difficult, heartbreaking road to travel when our kids do the unexpected.  It can send us into the emotional abyss if we can’t pull our own emotions into perspective.  Time and vigilance are needed to get to the other side of the event so that the relationship can be rebuilt.

Dare you to look at your own trying times with your kids and allow time and space to put out the flames that ignited the anger.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9 Steps to Take to Kick Your Kid Out of the House

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This is a hard post to write.  As I sit here contemplating what to say to those of you who are at a place where you think it is time to kick your kid out because of behavior issues, I hope you’ll read last week’s blog before this one.  My prayer is that if there are any other options that you will take those first before pulling the trigger.  Actions can have major fallout for decades to come and while the Now you are in seems overwhelming, the silence down the road can become a heavy burden to carry as well.

A decade ago, I was in a similar situation with one of my kids.  The defiance, disrespect, and “you can’t tell me what to do” were stretching my husband and me to a breaking point.  We had allowed things to go on for too long and were truly at a point of losing perspective.  This teen’s actions were affecting the entire family in a way that I knew was unhealthy.  We were at our wits end.  What should we put up with and where was the line for letting natural consequences play out?  

Regardless of your child’s age, as I know many of you have adult children living under your roof, the principles are the same.  Helping them move forward into maturity is the goal while attempting to maintain the relationship.

Thankfully, a wise therapist/psychiatrist helped us discern the best course of action and spent many hours making sure my husband and I were speaking the same language to our teen.  He knew that we had to be fully on the same page to move our family forward.

As my husband and I met with the therapist weekly, he coached us through the process of working through our own differing opinions on parenting issues.  Meanwhile, he was working with our teen to determine possible scenarios to change behavior.  About six months into these separate sessions, I remember his word’s vividly.  “You can’t allow this to continue in your home.  I have real concerns for your other children.  I think it is time to put a plan in place.  The choice is hers.  She either adheres to your boundary or she chooses to leave.”

Notice I didn’t say we kicked her out.

She chose to leave.

And that is the difference in future potential for the relationship.  When we empower our children to “choose” their destiny, we aren’t foisting our desires, feelings, and anger on them.  We are drawing a line in the sand  and letting them make the choice on which side they want to land.

So what are the steps we took and what makes it their choice?

  1. Determine what has to change.  This doesn’t mean everything that is going wrong.  What are the non-negotiable behaviors that are negatively impacting the family? 
  2. Make sure the behaviors that need to change are measurable.  You will want to be able to cite instances of both positive and destructive behaviors on a weekly basis, so take good notes.
  3. Determine the date that the teen will need to move out if things don’t change.  Our counselor was insistent that we not stretch things out too long.  The date was set with the intent of allowing our teen time to decide whether they were going to follow our rules, find a place to live if they chose to move out, and to make sure they had a plan in place for adequate financial stability.  In our situation we allowed 2 1/2 months.
  4. Write down the plan before meeting with the teen.  Writing things down help both parents determine specifics and makes sure that both are on the same page.  There needs to be no question about each step along the way and the behaviors that need to change.
  5. Have the conversation.  Remember, once you are here, there is no turning back.  You need to make sure you are strong enough to follow through.  With our teen the conversation went something like this.  “Honey, we love you and we want so much for you to be part of this family.  We’ve had a lot of friction about ____, ____, and ____.  You are making choices that are impacting our family in a negative way and we can no longer live this way.  Your mom/dad and I have decided that you can either change your behavior or choose to move out.  Know that whatever you choose, we will always love you.  Please understand that this is really difficult for us, but in life there will always be rules and people that have authority over you (like a boss).  We hope that you will choose to work on the things we’ve outlined that need to change.  (Read the list you’ve compiled and be willing to talk through specifics.  If they want to negotiate a point, let the teen know that you and mom/dad will talk about it and get back to them). Please know that if you choose to move out you’ll need to find a place to live and figure out how you are going to survive without our financing.  You will be responsible for you.  We will be more than willing to help you find affordable housing or teach you about budgeting or anything else you need to make it happen.  If you choose to move out, ______ is the date.  We would like to sit down with you weekly/every other week, to see where you are at so there is no question as to how we think you are doing regarding the rules we’ll be monitoring.  Again, we do love you and hope you’ll do everything in your power to make this work so that you can continue to live here.”
  6. Continue to stay in relationship.  Be kind, loving, and encouraging when/if you see positive behaviors.  Remember the goal is to build the relationship and not have them move out if they are still a teen.  If you are dealing with an adult child your goal is to pave a way to give them encouragement to leave.
  7. Be sure to check in regularly during this time.  Your goal should be to help them succeed regardless of their decision.  Feedback on their behavior is paramount.  This is where your note taking and measurable goals will be discussed. And if they choose to leave, a goal should be to let them go without hard feelings.
  8. If their behavior changes, celebrate.  If it doesn’t, remind them that their continued behavior means they are choosing to leave.
  9. When the day arrives for those who choose to leave, carry their things down the stairs, tell them you love them, hug them, and fall apart after they walk out the door.

So how did it go for us?

Our child chose to leave.  And it was one of the most difficult things I have ever endured. 

This teen continued to make poor choices; however, we stayed in relationship.  Two days after she moved out she showed up and asked her dad to test drive a new car she was planning to purchase.  He graciously did and even went with her to sign the papers.  We didn’t co-sign the loan, but we were there for her.  Several weeks later I called and offered to take her to lunch–no lecture, just a “how are you doing” conversation letting her know that we respected her decision and still loved her dearly.

As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve coached several parents through this same process.  It isn’t easy to endure, but I know for me, I was so glad I had an outside perspective as I walked through it.  

My prayer is that regardless of what you are dealing with in your difficult situation, that you will not kick your kid out with anger and hard feelings.  Sometimes we have to let go and let God do His work in our children’s lives.  Our goal is to set the stage for easier forgiveness and restoration.

Isaiah 43:1-2

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

 

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Kids Are Breaking the Rules and You Seem to Have No Authority

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My heart breaks for parents who are struggling with their teens.  Most have us have had those fleeting thoughts of “I just wish they would move out”, but we quickly come to our senses.  Sometimes we think that it would be easier if they were gone, but we know deep down that they aren’t ready and we realize that we still have a legal and moral responsibility to our children until our teens reach the age of adulthood.  And  most of the time whatever we are experiencing is just a phase that will dissipate in a matter of time and maturity.

But I too know that sometimes parents get to a place where they feel like they are just biding their time and being held hostage until they can kick their teens out.  These are the tough parenting trenches where it feels like hope is lost and we can’t seem to find our way.  This is when we’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work.  Defiance, wrong choices, broken rules, and an attitude of “you can’t tell me what to do” can bring parents to a breaking point and destroy a family.

I’ve been asked many times how to discern if the time is right to actually pull the trigger and push them out of the nest.

Why?

Because I have been there.

Trust me when I say that making that decision is not trivial.  It needs to be prayerfully considered not based on what we feel but based on what is right for the entire family.  Know that it can have potential to affect your relationship for a lifetime and should be well executed and not done in the heat of a battle.  How our kids perceive our action can have negative consequences that can affect their future in many ways.  It can also have lasting impact on siblings and even ourselves if not handled in a well thought out and respectful way.

For us personally, thankfully, we had the coaching of a wise counselor who walked us through the process when we were at the end of our rope.  We were careful to make the process a choice rather than an action foisted upon our wayward teen.  It took time, thought, and deep introspection on our part as to whether or not we could or should go through with it.  In the end, the execution of the action resulted in a decision with which we could all live–not just my husband and I, but each member of our family.

So what are some questions you and your spouse might want to ask yourselves to see if this is really a path you should even consider heading down?

  1. How old is your child and how long would you have to endure until they are ready to function as an adult on their own?  Our counselor told us that for most kids that would be somewhere between the ages of 18 and 21 based on maturity, whether they could keep a job, and their potential of finding a place to live.
  2. What impact is this teen’s actions having on siblings?  Perhaps there is bullying involved, or sharing of too much information on more mature topics such as sex, drugs, stealing, or other inappropriate character issues.  Is this teen dragging siblings down the wrong path with them?  If so, the future of younger siblings could potentially be in danger.
  3. Are you and your spouse on the same page?  If not, don’t do it. And here’s why.  If the two of you are at odds with an action that involves your teen, then maybe you should be focusing on your marriage.  I know that might seem like a harsh statement; however, taking such a strong stance without your spouse’s buy-in will most likely lead to more marital stress and distrust.  If something goes wrong, it will be natural to blame the other person.
  4. Are there drugs or alcohol involved that are impacting the teens reasoning?  As parents we have the authority to help our kids through counseling and even inpatient programs.  This should be our first step prior to any thought of kicking our kids out.
  5. Have you tried counseling or intervention?  Sometimes an outside perspective can help both your teen and you.  Our counselor refused to see our teen without seeing my husband and I together.  This gave him a more objective view and he was able to open our eyes to things we weren’t seeing.  Some counselors work in pairs.  One counselor works with the teen while another counselor works with the parent and these counselors work in tandem on a weekly basis to move the family forward.
  6. Does the situation and the potential risk of not moving the teen out of your home outweigh the potential consequences and fallout from the action?  In other words, is there more potential for harm to your other kids and you if you don’t take this action?
  7. Can you live with the potential consequences?  Kicking our kids out of the house has emotional baggage for our kids and for us.  Ask yourself:  How would I feel if this child never spoke to me again?  How would I feel if this child was living on the streets?  How would I feel if for some reason this child died?  Could I live with myself if something horrific happened as a result of my action?

I know that this is a heavy subject for most parents, but it seems that the questions are coming up more and more.  If you are wondering what you can possibly do to move your teen forward, feel free to reach out.  I’ve been coaching parents through the process for several years.  And I’m happy to say, that as of today, not one parent has actually had to kick their kid out.

There is hope.

1 Thessalonians 5:21

  But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good

Next week I’ll walk you through a process that will ease your mind if you determine that it is time to change the locks and force your child to grow up.  Until then, know that I’m praying for those that are facing these decisions of heartache.  I’m here if you need me.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

 

 

Doing Life From the Platform of Respect

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A number of years ago my husband taught a junior high boys small group.  One of the topics that would always come up was how to treat members of the opposite sex.  I remember one of his lines well: “Remember, you don’t know whose wife you are dating.  Treat your girlfriend the way you hope your future wife to being treated now by the guy she is dating.”

As the conversation progressed, they would talk about holding hands, hugging, kissing, and the list would continue.

While the talks always centered around abstinence, the underlying theme was respect. 

Sometimes as I talk with parents now, it is like the light bulb begins to brighten.

If you are like me, most of our parents tried to teach respect with negative reinforcement.  “If you ever do that again, I’ll ______________.”  I’ll let you fill in the blank with how you were parented. 🙂

As I was growing up the same methodology was used with the breaking of any rule.  Breaking the rule = punishment.   Or maybe I could talk myself out of the punishment this time.

One of the conversations that I try to have with parents as they think about trying to get the “right behavior” from their teens, is to address the behavior change through heart change.  

In other words, give them an understanding of what it means to show respect to themselves and everyone involved in a particular situation and maybe you’ll change their heart and their behavior.

A woman approached me about her college student who was living under her roof for the summer.  She was frustrated that her son would come in sometime during the middle of the night while she and her husband were asleep.  While the mom always kept the light on so her son could see to get in, the garage door would wake her up.  Then she and her husband would hear the kid fumbling around in the kitchen making a snack while they were attempting to go back to sleep.  She was at the brink of saying, “If you can’t come in at a decent hour, you will need to find somewhere else to live.”

But thankfully she stopped herself.  Had she done that, most likely she was have instigated defensiveness and anger from her son tearing apart the relationship.

After we talked through her scenario, here’s what she said chose to say to her son.

“Honey, I know it’s hard to come home and have to live with our schedule.  However, I’d like to talk through what’s happening.  I know you really enjoy being with this girl.  As a matter of fact, I like her too.  I think the two of you are good for each other.  Can I put a different spin on this whole dating process and give you a different perspective of what is currently playing out?”

“Sure,” came his response.

“I know that you easily lose track of time while the two of you are together.  You seem to have a lot of fun together.  However, may I suggest that you become the leader in this relationship and show this girl how to respect herself.  She needs her rest and so do you.  You will always have more time to be together.”

“I’m also guessing that her parents will be more open to you as someone they would like their daughter to see more of if they see you as respectful.  Didn’t you tell me that they both work?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I’m wondering if they get woken up when their daughter comes in? 

One of the ways to get others to respect you is for you to respect them.  By getting your girlfriend home at a reasonable hour, you are communicating that you respect the girl and her parents.”

“I never thought of that”, he replied.

“There is another piece to this.  I know that you don’t mean to wake your dad and me up when you come home; but the fact is, you do.  When you are getting food from the kitchen after you come it, it keeps me from getting back to sleep easily.  This is starting to make me feel disrespected and resentful.  I’m guessing that is not what you are trying to do, but you need to know that I don’t like feeling frustration towards you.  I love you and want the best for you and for everyone involved.  You have the ability to influence what people think and feel based on your interactions with them, and I’m hoping that you will work on respecting yourself by respecting the other people in this situation.  Just know that I love you and want this to work for all of us.”

“I never thought of it that way.  I do want her parents to respect me and I’m not trying to interrupt your sleep.  I’m sorry.  I’ll try to do better.”

When I asked the mom how it was going after the conversation, she was honest.

“Well, it certainly isn’t perfect yet.  However, he is better about texting me when he is going to be late.  I’ve also noticed he’s a lot quieter in the kitchen now,” she laughed.

“And the other thing is, I’m more confident in continuing to have the conversation.  I’m realizing that one time with these kids doesn’t solve the problem.  But just understanding why he’s coming home late puts my mind at ease so I’m learning to sleep better and not worry.  And I’m beginning to understand more about who he is now on a heart level rather than a behavior that is frustrating me level.”

Zechariah 8:16

These are the things that you shall do: Speak the truth to one another; render in your gates judgments that are true and make for peace;

Ephesians 4:16

From whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

 

Dare you to look at life through the lens of respect as you teach your kids how to interact with others.  When kids learn self-respect, they can more easily apply it to how they can influence others in a positive way.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

Do you know parents who are struggling with their tweens and teens?  Or maybe you have kids that are starting to pull away in a way that feels foreign and a bit unhealthy?

That’s why With All Due Respect was written.  

It will challenge your thinking as you parent toward the launch of your kids into the adult world.

Here’s what one mom had to say:

“I can’t believe how much this book has shifted my thinking, my behavior, and my expectations.  I had no idea how much I could do to influence my “problem” child.  Thank you for writing this book!”