I listened as my friend lamented her situation. She was having parent struggles. Not issues between her and her children, mind you, but issues between her and her parents. The issues were not only impacting her but affecting her kids as well. Read more
As a parent I have been known to take detours that lead me down a path that is in desperate need of repair. You know the ones I’m talking about. Maybe there is a rule in your home where you’ve outlined a consequence, and just once you forgot to enforce it. What happens? The whining begins, “Last time you said it was okay!” and the debate is on. What’s your next step? Do you enforce the old consequence again or let it slide? Read more
I seem to be swimming in re-entry these days. For me, I’ve been struggling with re-entry into blogging. The longer I’ve procrastinated (+time), the more conflict that seems to take place in my mind. You know the kind where you carry on a conversation with yourself . The voices go something like “once I get this done, I’ll go write” or “what I’m doing right now is more important” or “next week I’ll get started again”. Luckily, blogging only involves me, so I can resolve the conflict in my head. Read more
Snuggling with my husband on the couch last night, we were looking forward to an evening without the kids. It had been virtually months since we had watched a good movie and Mom’s Night Out (2014) had been recommended by several friends. Being several years removed from the exhaustion of small kids under foot and the distant memory of a husband who traveled more than he was home, laughter filled the room from memories gone by.
Trust me when I say that the last place I expect to get any real parenting skills would be from today’s movies, yet I was pleasantly surprised at the depth and realism of the characters’ parenting dilemmas. As I enjoyed the comedic antics of the young children and remembered when girlfriend time was something to be craved, I was struck by the interaction between the pastor’s wife and her teen daughter. From a parenting perspective there was much to gain for those who were tuned in to how the mother reacted to her daughters requests!
If only I had had such a role model early on in my parenting! Watching the character of Sondra fulfill her role as mother on screen, made me take a look at my own parenting. How many times have I changed my “no” decision because I allowed my child to sway me to their way of thinking? How many different ways did my teen twist my intent because I had not anticipated their potential ways to skirt the issue? How many times did my child succeed at playing my husband and I against each other until they got the answer they wanted? How many times did I forgo my plans in order to make sure they understood that I did not trust them? How many secrets am I holding on to with fear that my child may do the same thing?
Dare you to take inventory in your parenting on some of these issues. Maybe after watching this film and snuggling with your husband?
“Let go…and let God,”
Tony was notorious for wanting to stay up later than his bedtime allowed. At 12, he started a full-court press on Jennifer trying to get her to change his bedtime complaining that he was being treated like a little kid.
“Mom, you just don’t get it! Other kids my age don’t even have a standard bedtime. For heaven’s sake, I am in junior high!”
As Jennifer pondered the request, she replied. “You know, Tony. I realize that you are older and have a pretty rigorous schedule between basketball and homework. Let me talk to Dad first and see what we can come up with. Just remember, no promises here. One of the things I’m concerned about is the fact that you are having to get up earlier this year to get to the bus. I don’t want you to be so tired that you fall asleep in class.”
“Mom, you know that’s not going to happen.”
“Let me talk to Dad. I’ll get back to you by this weekend with a decision.”
Mark and Jennifer had learned to make changes slowly in their household. They realized from the Generations class they had taken that new rules needed to be negotiated and be able to be changed back if they weren’t working. The two decided to work out the details of the negotiation as they enjoyed the fall leaves walking through the neighborhood.
“So, Mark, what do you think we should ask Tony to do to earn the later bedtime?”
“Well, I would say that he has to continue getting up on his own and making it to the bus on time for starters. If he starts missing the bus, then I would definitely want to push the bedtime back to its current time. I would also tell him that we are going to monitor his attitude in the house. If he tends to be more argumentative with us or his siblings, I would say that it is probably because he isn’t getting enough sleep.”
“That sounds reasonable. Let’s say we give it two weeks and reassess? Maybe we try a half hour for the first week, if it works we’re willing to stretch it to an hour starting the second week?”
“Makes sense to me,” responded Mark.
On Saturday, Mark and Jennifer sat down with Tony along with their “notebook of rules”.
“Tony, I understand that you and your mom have been talking about moving your bedtime to later in the evening. You know, I think you have a valid point that you are growing up and you are right in that we need to start giving you more responsibility like a 12 year old. I’d like to give it a try to see if you can handle staying up later.”
Mark continued telling Tony the things that he and Jennifer had discussed.
“So you understand, right. We’ll give it a week at half an hour extension and in a week we’ll bump it to an hour. You can maintain that new bedtime assuming you can get up and get yourself to school on time and you aren’t more argumentative here at home. If you start missing the bus or your behavior changes here at home, bedtime reverts back to what it is now.”
“Agreed!” Tony happily responded.
“Sign your name here by the date where we negotiated the rules,” Jennifer handed the notebook of rules to Tony.
Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Negotiating new rules in the home can be an opportunity to increase your tweens and teens responsibility while showing them that you respect the fact that they are growing up. Through the negotiating process you not only validate their feelings, but you give them opportunity to succeed in the maturing process. Writing down the negotiation will keep both you and your child from being exasperated if the child doesn’t succeed at keeping up their end of the bargain.
Enjoy negotiating!
“Let go…and let God,”
I’d love to hear how you’ll implement this new strategy in your home!
Rhonda caught herself doing it again. Frustrated, yet ready for the respite of a quiet house until her 14 year old returned from school, Rhonda began counting her blessings as she began to pick up the trail of clutter.
And the blessing list continued…
As Rhonda continued in the kitchen, she found herself pausing. “Lord, I know that Ashlee is a blessing, but sometimes she can also be downright frustrating!” She laughed as she said it. Ashlee had raced out the door again this morning tearing through the house like a tornado. Picking up cushions from the couch where she had done last night’s homework, she left everything she had touched wherever it fell, any place except where it should be.
“Found it, Mom. I’m sorry to leave you with the mess,” she shouted as she ran toward the door. “I’ll pick it up this afternoon when I get home.”
“Right,” Rhonda thought. “And when my Bible Study group shows up this morning, I’ll just tell them to sit wherever they can find a cushion or wherever there aren’t popcorn kernels from last night.”
“Lord, she is such a good girl and I know she has a lot on her plate with school and her after school activities. Is this my role as a parent to pick up after her all the time? I love her so much that I would do absolutely anything for her. I might not always do it without complaining”, she chuckled again. “But I would do anything for her. Show me the way, Lord. Either change my attitude and frustration or give me a different direction.”
As Rhonda continued to tidy the house for her group who would arrive in an hour, she felt God’s gentle nudge. “Rhonda, I want you to count the blessings I have given you, but I also want you to teach Ashlee how to take care of herself and others.”
“Hmm….”
“What was it they taught us in Generations? Tweens and Teens need life balance. When their issues start impacting our daily life, they need a reminder that their behavior is not leading to independence.”
“Thanks, Lord. I needed that today.”
As Rhonda pulled into the driveway from picking Ashlee up from soccer practice, she suggested that they spend a few minutes talking over a snack. “Sure, Mom.”
“Ashlee, I want you to know that I really am proud of the way you are maturing. You had such a gentle spirit with Aunt Martha last week. I loved watching the two of you interact.
“Thanks, Mom.”
“You know that your dad and I want to teach you all the skills you’ll need to be fully independent one day, don’t you? As Ashlee shook her head in agreement between bites of trail mix, Rhonda continued, “It occurred to me this morning that you are starting to develop a habit that is something that I think will not only impact you in the future, but it is impacting me right now. This is the third week in a row that you’ve had several mornings where you’ve ransacked the house in the morning before you went to school.”
“I know, Mom. I’m sorry. It’s just that I don’t want to be late for the bus. I don’t want you to have to drive me to school.”
“I appreciate that, Ashlee. But you are leaving me with a mess just about every morning these days. We need to find a way to change that.”
“Mom, I’ve told you I will clean it up as soon as I get home, but by the time I get here you’ve already done it. You really can save it for me.”
“Ashlee, I live in this house too. I have friends that stop by during the day while you are gone. I like to sit on the couch for my quiet time. Do you really think I can enjoy my time with God if I have to look at the mess all around me?”
“I’ve been thinking about this and I think the problem is that you’ve not gathered your things together for school the night before. Starting now, I want you to work hard at picking up snacks or whatever you’ve left in the family room the night before. To help you remember, I’m letting you know that if it happens again, there will be a consequence.”
“A consequence? You’ve got to be kidding!”
“Ashlee, the consequence is intended to be a reminder to help you not forget the rule the next time. Just know that from here on out, there will be no more morning tornado through the house. I know that it might seem harsh, but our job as parents is to help you become a balanced adult. I just don’t want you to always be stressed out and develop the habit of always being in a rush. I know that’s what you want as well. Keep the family room picked up in the evenings and there won’t be a problem. I love you, Ashlee. I know you’ll do better. I’m more than willing to give you a gentle reminder in the evening if that will help.”
“Okay, Mom. I’ll try to do better. Maybe if I put a note on my bathroom mirror, I won’t forget.”
“Great idea, honey!”
Living in a hurried world, sometimes as parents we allow our tweens and teens to fall into bad habits that impact us. Rather than try to teach them good habits, we bail them out because it makes us feel better.
Colossians 3:2
And set your minds and keep them set on what is above (the higher things), not on the things that are on the earth.
Dare you to find something that needs to change in your teen’s life and encourage better self-discipline. Just be sure to let them know you are helping them gain independence.
“Let go…and let God,”
Hope you will join Nina Roesner as she provides insight on marriage and Leah Heffner as she blogs to wives with little people as we go through The Respect Dare together.