What Will Be Different This Year?

/0 Comments/in , /by

At the beginning of the year, I’ve usually made my list of projects that have sat dormant throughout the holiday season and I resolve to complete them.  

Somewhere in the list is the contemplation of the top 10 behaviors I want to  instill in my kids.  You know the ones I’m talking about– changing those behaviors that either embarrass me or make me go livid.  

By week two of the new year  life has gotten back to semi-normal after the busy holiday season and the top 10 resolutions have started falling by the wayside.  It doesn’t surprise me.  By the end of the year I probably won’t remember them anyway.

So this year I’m proposing that whatever resolutions you may be struggling to keep might be better served with only one new resolution.

Galatians 5:22-23

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.”

Imagine what life in your home might look like if that was your focus.  What if you modeled this for your kids on a daily basis?

What if instead of getting angry you handled a situation with gentleness or kindness?

What if instead of acting on your fear you chose self-control knowing that God will be faithful to take care of your kids or the situation?

What if you responded with a quiet and gentle voice instead of spewing hurtful words at your teens?

So here’s a way to get started in your home.

  1. Focus on the scripture above.  If our desire is to have a more loving, peaceful, and self-controlled family, we as parents need to model it.  Focus on the good that we see in our tweens and teens.  Whatever we pay attention to grows.
  2. Define the problems.  When tempers rise try to get to the root of the issue.  Understanding the root cause helps put together a better solution.
  3. Find a solution that all those involved can live with. For example, if Rachel goes ballistic every time her younger sister comes into her room, set specific ways for both girls to respond in the future making sure they both agree to their new behavior in the next circumstance.
  4. Create accountability.  In other words, make sure to create an environment for honest feedback communicated in a healthy way so that others know when they are hitting the mark or falling short.  Remember it is always better to catch our teens doing things right.
  5. Pray for our kids relationships–with you and your spouse and with their siblings. 

God is our resource for each of the virtues above.  When I am struggling to be kind, it is up to me to reach out to Him for that extra dose of kindness that I need to give to someone.  The same holds true for love, joy, peace…

Now it’s time to be honest.  Sometimes we all struggle with this.  It’s hard.  But here’s a story one mom shared about how focusing on these virtues began to change her responses with one particular teen.

“I don’t think it matters how many kids you have, but one of them seems to grate on you.  For me it was my son who always chose to do the wrong thing.  Things got so bad in our home that I didn’t care if I did anything for him.  He didn’t want to listen to my suggestions or take advice from anyone. Eventually he ended up in trouble with the law.  

I know that it is hard to fathom a mother thinking these things, but my thoughts went something like this, “he’s finally getting what he deserves.  Maybe this will teach him something.”  I think I was so frustrated and hurt that I just wanted someone else to put him in his place hoping that he would learn how to do the right thing.

Recently we’ve been texting a lot.  It gives me time to think before I respond to him.  I’ve been trying to respond out of love instead of frustration.  I try to share the joy of us interacting with each other.  When he tells me he has made a decision, even though I don’t agree with it, I ask myself if he could have made a worse decision.  The answer is usually yes. That allows me to respond with a kind word–after all, it could be worse.

Self-control of my words and actions with him is not easy, but I’m finding myself relying on the Holy Spirit in me to prompt me in our interactions.  My son is beginning to trust me more and is asking for my opinion occasionally.  And if nothing else, that’s a start.”

Dare you to begin your new year focused on one new resolution–to become more like Jesus in your responses as you interact with your tweens and teens.

“Let go… and let God”,

What Makes a Good Mom?

/0 Comments/in , , , /by

When I’m in the depths of despair with one of my kids, frustrated with their choices, and wishing things could be different, sometimes I have no idea what being a good mom really looks like.  I vacillate with what the right decision should be in the moment and it’s easy to get down on myself–after all, I should have been able to change the situation.  Right?

As I have been contemplating this in the NOW I’m in, searching for truth, and wanting so badly to be the best mom possible in the middle of the circumstances, I’ve started asking myself, “What would a good mom do in this situation?”

Sometimes being a good mom means being a tough mom.  Regardless of what my child wants, I need to be strong enough to do what he needs in the moment.  Figuring that out isn’t always easy.

At other times being a good mom means showing compassion and allowing my teen to see my heart that resonates Jesus with skin on.  A hug, a gentle touch, or a word of hope can move my young adult to a place of believing in themselves again.

Being a good mom is sometimes guessing who we need to do in the moment. And when we don’t get it right, rather than getting down on ourselves, being willing to apologize and push the reset button trying a different tactic to get forward movement.

As I’ve been contemplating all the aspects of being a good mom, I’ve started compiling a list of the different things I need to be.  Some of these come easier for me than others.  But at times, I need to play the position that doesn’t come natural because it is what my kid needs in the moment.  My automatic reaction might not be the best approach.

So here’s my current list.  I’m sure I’ve only scratched the surface and I’d love for you to add to it at the end of this blog.

As you go through the list, my hope is that you’ll take an internal inventory.  What comes naturally to you?  What do you need to add to your list of skills so that your reactions to every situation are not always the same?  If you find that you fall short in an area, this is an opportunity to think about what will be different in your next difficult parenting interaction.

But above all else, give yourself grace.

A Good Mom…

  1. Listens intently
  2. Uses concise communication so there is no question as to the point
  3. Encourages and supports rather than criticize
  4. Knows that their child’s happiness is not at the top of the priority list
  5. Is God-dependent and confident that He has the answers for every situation
  6. Is willing to apologize and make amends without making excuses or blaming someone else
  7. Models healthy relationship
  8. Discusses kid concerns with Dad so that a unified decision can be reached
  9. Let’s her kids make mistakes rather than try to control situations
  10. Willingly pushes the reset button when things aren’t going well
  11. Acknowledges and respects that her children are separate human beings and not extensions of her
  12. Is calm in the middle of life’s storms
  13. Takes care of herself so that she can better take care of her children
  14. Knows her values and models them for her children
  15. Is aware of conversations/conflicts that are getting out of control and chooses to pause the discussion until everyone is able to communicate with a sense of calm
  16. Assesses situations to find the facts before jumping to conclusions
  17. Let’s her ‘yes’ be ‘yes’ and her ‘no’, ‘no’ without manipulation from her teen
  18. Stands firm in her values when making decisions
  19. Shows empathy and compassion
  20. Offers encouragement
  21. Coaches her teen through difficult situations
  22. Avoids jumping to conclusions
  23. Is consistent
  24. Asks open-ended questions that encourage her teens to tell their story
  25. Teaches her kids that God is walking with them through every struggle 
  26. Chooses to accept her child as God created them rather than comparing them to others
  27. Keeps fear in check so that worry isn’t the focus of daily living
  28. Creates a close circle of friends with whom she can share her parenting struggles without concern for gossip
  29. Loves unconditionally
  30. Allows her kids to think for themselves

And above all else has a relationship with Jesus Christ and trusts Him for the outcome. 

Psalm 62:8

“Trust in him at all times, oh people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.”

Psalm 20:7

“Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.”

Psalm 56:3

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.”

Psalm 112:7

“He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the LORD.”

“Let Go…and Let God”,

 

 

 

Are You Fighting Your Kid’s Battles?

/0 Comments/in , , /by

Two things happened almost simultaneously this week.  That’s when I knew God was trying to get me to listen and take note.

Sitting at brunch with my oldest son, my husband and I were listening to my son’s every word.  For us it was a moment of trying to get our feelings under control at the thought of our son moving away.  We were painfully aware that this would be the last time we would see him other than FaceTime for several months.  And for us, it was time for deep introspection. 

As typical of our major times of separation from our kids, Dave was trying to let our son know how proud we were of him and encourage him in his new adventure.  We wanted him to know that the move was the right thing for his family even though we would miss them all terribly.  Our son was doing the same for us reminding us of all that we had poured into him through the years.

And then on a jovial note he commented, “But there is one thing I think you should have done in your parenting.”

Oh no, the moment of truth and a long pause as my brain automatically jumped to that word of “failure”. 

“I really think you should have let us fight our own battles.”

Hmm…

As he talked about a couple of situations, I knew where he was going with the comment.  When things got political with their sports, when my kids had a tough time with a teacher, or when they were having a tough time navigating a situation, I’d step in  ‘mom to coach’ or ‘mom to teacher’ or ‘mom to mom’.

Oh, no.  Gulp.  That was me.

“I know that you did it for all the right reasons.  I just think I would have been better equipped, especially as I got older, if you had taught me to fight the battles myself.”

And with that comment, I could see the progress I had made as a parent from my first to my last child.  My oldest wasn’t telling me something new.  He was sharing something that God had been teaching me in the moment.  Our youngest was in a battle at the time  and it had taken everything in my power to not step into the middle of the situation.

You see, my youngest had been in a situation where he was wrongfully accused.  He had been sharing bits of what was going on in his life with me for several months.  I knew the people involved.  I could have easily initiated a conversation that would have most likely cleared the entire situation up.

But I chose to stay silent.

As the situation became more heated and my son’s character was called into question, my heart broke for him.  How could this person accuse my son and say the things he had said without truly understanding the situation?  

And everything in me wanted to right the injustice.

But as I spent time with the Lord, He kept saying to me.  “This is your son’s battle, not yours.  These are the things that will make him a man.  He needs these difficulties to make him stronger.  Listen to him.  Make suggestions on how he should handle the situation.  But let him fight the battle.”

Ugh, it would be so much easier if I could just take care of it myself and not be forced to sit on the sidelines.

But isn’t that what we want to do as parents.  We just want it to go away.  We don’t want our kids to suffer.  We want life to go smoothly.  

But if we fight all their battles, they don’t grow stronger.  If they don’t feel pain, they don’t need us to lean on.  It is in the times of battle that they want our insight and will ask for our perspective.

My youngest fought his own battle and it didn’t turn out the way either of us had hoped.  And even though I’d still like to “say something”, it’s not my battle.  My job as parent is to remind him that there is injustice in the world and to be there for him with hugs and empathy attempting to normalize his frustration and disappointment.

There can be much learning when our kids fight their own battles and there can be opportunities for connection as we soothe their disappointments.  

As my oldest got out at the airport to leave, I reminded myself of my own growth as a parent.  I had changed when it came to the battles my kids face.  And I certainly didn’t see the lessons my oldest had missed out on by me not allowing him to fight his own battles, but I’m thankful that God allowed him to see my failures so that he could right the wrong with his son and the generations that will follow.

Ephesians 6:12

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

Isaiah 64:8

But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.

II Chronicles 20:15

Thus says the Lord to you, ‘Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed, for the battle is not yours but God’s.

Learning to stay silent when I want to speak.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

 

 

Are You Still Treating Them Like Kids?

/0 Comments/in , , , /by

“Mom, why can’t Dad see things my way?” Tim angrily retorted. “I get so frustrated with him sometimes. I feel like he’s always preaching the same sermon and it’s his way or the highway.”

“Why do you say that?” Mom attempted to help Tim verbalize his anguish hoping to lower his frustration.

“No matter what I do or say, he has an opinion. Everything I start to do is scrutinized by his good boy, bad boy ideology. I doubt that he even remembers what it was like to be 21.”

“You might be right,” she laughed. “I know you’re dealing with a lot right now. It must be hard to be at home for the summer with parents breathing down your neck.”

“You have no idea, Mom. I’ve been away at college living on my own and now Dad is back to treating me like I’m still a little kid.”

In an attempt to validate his feeling, Sheryl replied, “In some ways, Tim, you are right. Your dad sometimes does have a difficult time remembering that you’re an adult. I think he just wishes things could be like they used to be. It hasn’t been easy for any of us to have you living back at home this summer.  It puts you in a position of having to live under our house rules again and it changes the dynamic of what we have while you are at school.  But we’ve all agreed that it is the best thing so you can continue to work nearby.  Look at the bright side.  Next year you’ll have graduated and can be fully out on your own.”  She paused before speaking again, “You know he loves you, don’t you?”

“I know, Mom, but can’t he just keep his mouth shut sometimes and let me figure out life for myself?”

“Tim, your dad isn’t perfect and neither am I. We love you and we’re all in this together. So let’s try to figure out what the real issue is. Why don’t you come up with a list of situations where you feel he has frustrated you and let’s set up a time to talk about them with him? How does that sound?”

“I don’t know, Mom. He’s not usually one to listen to my side of things.”

“I know you can handle this on your own, but how about if I try to “grease the skids”, so to speak, before the conversation?”

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe I can appeal to some of his memories of being 21,” she laughed.

“If you think it will work, I guess I’ll try anything. Thanks, Mom.”

Sometimes as parents with college and sometimes adult kids living in our home it is easy to fall into several communication dangers. We can either “bash” the other parent when opportunity arises because we think our 20-somethings can handle “truth” now that they’re adults or we can communicate to our kids that they should move out if they don’t like their circumstances. At times, the most important thing we can do is validate everyone’s feelings and try to understand the true objective during this season of life–relationship.

Ephesians 4:29

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Dare you to really listen to your adult children’s frustrations and be a bridge to relationships.

Always striving to communicate better with our kids regardless of their age.

“Let go…and let God,”

Are You Believing a Lie and Acting on It?

/0 Comments/in , , , /by

My husband was traveling last week and purchased one of those small pocket books you can find in the airport bookstore to read on the plane.  As he settled into his seat focused on the book content he soon felt an overwhelming gnawing sense that he had failed.  A list of all the things we should be doing as parents caught his attention and one in particular took root — he had failed in making sure that his son always cleaned up after himself.

He kept thinking of his frustration over the last two years of the times he had come into the kitchen and seen dishes left out.  He thought about the unmade bed and the wet towels left on the bathroom floor.  As most of us would agree, this book confirmed what we know as parents — our kids need to learn to clean up after themselves as we try to teach them to become adults.  

None of us want to feel like failures as parents.  We can easily take things we read or things another person says about our kids and want to make sure our kids rise to the occasion.  At other times we see the success of other people’s kids and try to push our kids to be as good as or better than what we’ve seen.

But my question is simple:

  • Are those thoughts fully true? 
  • Is now the time to act on those thoughts? 
  • And if you do, what will be the result?

The lie my husband believed is simple.  “All teens and 20-somethings should clean up after themselves if they live under your roof and it is the parent’s job to make that happen.”

First you need to understand that sometimes we all communicate things in a not-so-gentle way that can put strain on the relationship.  And for those of you who know my husband, the way he handled the situation was so not like him.  Typically he communicates in a loving, gentle, laughter-filled way that makes others want to do as he asks.  Unfortunately, this time the lie was so strong in his mind that it came across as condemning and my son walked away with a feeling of his father’s disappointment in who he was as a person.

Ugh!  So not what my husband wanted. 

He just wanted change.

Standing on the sidelines watching my son during the following week after the exchange he had with his father, I heard him as he made sure he cleaned up after himself with spoken words of condemnation.  “I need to clean up or dad will come tell me what a disappointment I am.  I need to do this now because dad will feel like a failure if I don’t.  All the other things I am doing in my life don’t matter except cleaning up after myself.  I am such a loser.”

And the record kept playing in my son’s mind as he verbalized it for days.

Yet my husband was getting the behavior he wanted.  He was glad our son was cleaning up after himself.  Obviously, his communication had worked.

But he hadn’t seen the condemnation our son was heaping upon himself.

And I was watching the anger grow within my son toward his dad.

As I spent time with God trying to sort through the relationship mess that had been created, I asked myself the question.  What is true?

  1. My husband loves his son.
  2. My husband believed the lie that he needed to fix this “parenting oversight” in his son now.
  3. My husband had communicated poorly with his son.
  4. My son was heaping condemnation on himself from the conversation and anger was setting in toward his dad.
  5. My son has had two surgeries in the last year 10 months and had difficulty with certain movements like bending and twisting (hence the wet towels on the floor, unmade bed, and dishes not put in the dishwasher).  He had to make choices–do things that added pain or focus on what he could do to make life easier and get through his day.
  6. My son was working hard to get back to whatever normal life can be — working part-time, studying for the GRE, and working with the youth group at church all while still on strong medication.

And as I wrestled with God and these truths, I wondered if my husband realized that while yes, his belief was a good one, “teens and 20-something should clean up after themselves if they live in your home”, it could be a lie in this moment. 

Given the circumstances, was this a time for grace?

Given the timing, is the relationship more important than the “parenting oversight” my husband wanted to fix?

And I wonder how many of us as parents do the same thing.  We believe a parenting truth that could be a lie in the moment.  

We might get the result we want, but at what expense?  

Are we damaging the relationship in a way that forces our kids to look at themselves as a loser and taking on the responsibility of not living up to Dad or Mom’s expectations?  Are they heaping condemnation upon themselves as a result of our words or emphasis on a specific discipline?

Dare you to take inventory of the lies you might be believing when it comes to your own kids.  Are you comparing them to other kids and expecting them to be the same?  Are your expectations so high that your teen feels pressed in on all sides?

Colossians 3:21

“Parents, do not irritate your children, or they will become discouraged.”

1 Peter 4:8

“Above everything, love one another earnestly, because love covers over many sins.”

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do Your Kids Skin Their Knees Enough?

/0 Comments/in , , , /by

I well remember when my kids were little.  They would skin their knee and I would kiss their boo boo, give them a hug, and help wipe their tears away.  These were tender moments of connection letting my child know that I would always be there for them when things hurt.  And then they’d go out to play again and I knew that sometime in the future, they’d be hurt again and the cycle would repeat itself.

And I’m wondering if we have lost sight of those tender moments after the skinned knee.

Do we interject ourselves into their lives so much that they can’t fall down?

Let me explain.

As my kids got older there was more at stake in letting go. With more freedom comes a responsibility that shifts to our kids.  And we make decisions on whether or not we will let them skin their knees.

We wonder:  Will they make the right choice?  Say the right thing?  Embarrass us?  Do something stupid that could jeopardize their future? 

Will the mistake they make be something we can’t fix with a band-aid?

And instead of sending them back out to play, we intervene so they don’t skin their knees again.  We worry about their grades, their achievements, their future and we don’t want them to hurt.  We want them to feel that they are as good or better than those around them.  We want them to be at the top.  But we forget that the struggles are what bring about emotional maturity.

Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “That which does not kill us, will make us stronger’.  And his statement has been proven true by brain research and the many situations where kids have survived against all odds.

And I’m wondering what we are so afraid of that we can’t let out kids fail.  Does it have something to do with us?

I’ve seen parents who are doing their kid’s homework, paying for never ending lessons and sports, trying to make sure that their kids can be the best they can be and intervening when they aren’t the one chosen.  We clean their rooms, do their chores, and give them whatever they want because we don’t want them to experience life struggles or we don’t want to take the time to have to help them pick up the pieces when they mess things up.

We don’t want our kids to experience painful experiences like we did as a child so we intervene rather than provide growing opportunities where our job should be to sit back and provide love and emotional support.

By the time these kids are adults, when something goes wrong, many young adults don’t know how to learn from their mistakes, pick themselves up, soothe themselves, or tell themselves that everything will be alright.  After all, that’s mom’s job.

Just the other day I heard a story that made me incredibly sad.  A mom was on vacation and kept getting calls from her 30-something daughter.  “Mom, you have to come home.  I need you.  I can’t do this without you.”

Like always, this mother came to the rescue.  What was supposed to be a two week vacation turned into a two day vacation.  She went home to help her daughter.  What this 30-something daughter wanted was for Mom to talk to her boss because she was about to be fired.

In essence, “Mom, get me out of this jam I’ve gotten myself into.”

And supermom puts on her red cape and soars in to do a rescue.

I hear stories of mothers who are going to their adult children’s houses to clean, bailing them out of financial situations, and letting them continue to live at home rather than booting them out of the nest.  I’ve talked to a host of parents who feel like they are being held hostage by their adult children who always seem to need something from them.

Oh my, what are we doing to ourselves all in the name of “helping” our children?

And my question is, “Have we let them skin their knees enough in the little things of life so that they can handle the bigger things as our kids get older?”

Think about lifting weights, or training for a marathon, or even trying to lose weight.  We wouldn’t go into the situation trying to lift the heaviest weights or go out and run over 26 miles the first day.  We wouldn’t try to change our diet restricting calories in a way that would set us up for failure.  

So why do we do this with our kids?

When we are working toward a goal, we work slowly seeing little successes so that we learn what works and what doesn’t.  We celebrate the achievement to spur us on to the next level.

We should be doing the same thing as we set the goal of raising emotionally mature adults.  When our kids skin their knee and struggle through life’s problems, it really hurts the first time.  But over time they can learn to shake it off as it happens over and over, knowing they’ll be able to overcome the feelings of inadequacy as we stand by and offer emotional support instead of doing things for them.

By seeing their success and failures, our kids build up resilience.  They find success.  They discover who they are and who God created them to be.

When our kids fail in the little things, we can be there to put on a band-aid of encouragement and dry their tears by listening, showing empathy, and helping them think through what they could have done differently to have a better outcome.  If we are there in the little things of life, then we should be able to fully launch them into adulthood rather than having to still be there to pick up the broken pieces of their lives.

Failure on a test or detention for not doing homework is much easier to work through than having to deal with the potential job loss as a 30-something.  By working through pain in little chucks, our kids will be more able to handle the bigger knocks of life.

When we are there to support our kids in the inevitable mistakes and failures of life, emotionally offering a tender moment of support just like when we kiss their boo boo and encourage them to go out and play again, our kids are easier to launch in a healthy way.  Not only that, but it bonds us.  By being there after our kids fall down, we get the awesome job of wiping their tears away and offering encouragement.

James 1:2

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Dear Lord,

Help me to know when I’m doing too much for my kids.  Help me to see when I’m taking the reigns and doing for them when they should be doing for themselves.  Lord, I see my child’s potential when he doesn’t.  I want what is best for him and I also want him to succeed. 

Competition in life can be fierce at times and my natural tendency as a mother is to protect.  I want my child to soar to the top, but I need to remember that you have created him for purpose.  My job is to stay out of Your way and let him undergo the trials you have ordained for him.  I need to remember You are writing his story and it may be different than the one I desire. 

Please help me to let go so that my child will grow and mature in a healthy way.  Help me create an atmosphere in my home that when my child fails, I’m here to offer love, support, and guidance encouraging him to stand up and go back into the arena.

I fail so many times in parenting toward the goal set before me to launch in a healthy way.  Give me the ability to make hard choices and let my child skin their knees so that he will be useful to your purpose.  Help me release my child to you so that You receive glory from his life.

In the precious name of Jesus.  Amen.

Dare you to take inventory and decide where you need to let go.  And ask God to help you be successful as you head toward the day of launch.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Do you ever wish you were more aware of the pitfalls you might be making in your parenting?  Do you wish you could talk openly with other women about parenting struggles without fear of judgment?  Many women do.  And that is why the book With All Due Respect was written.  It takes our fears and pitfalls and helps us think through what we really desire–deeper connection with our kids and successful launch.

Why not grab a copy today?  You could get a group of women together and go through it together as a group or join our on-line eCourse with women around the country.