Parenting Skills from a Movie?

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TAKE INVENTORY of you.  What do you (2)Snuggling with my husband on the couch last night, we were looking forward to an evening without the kids.  It had been virtually months since we had watched a good movie and  Mom’s Night Out (2014)  had been recommended by several friends.  Being several years removed from the exhaustion of small kids under foot and the distant memory of a husband who traveled more than he was home, laughter filled the room from memories gone by.

Trust me when I say that the last place I expect to get any real parenting skills would be  from today’s movies, yet I was pleasantly surprised at the depth and realism of the characters’ parenting dilemmas. As I enjoyed the comedic antics of the young children and remembered  when girlfriend time was something to be craved, I was struck by the interaction between the pastor’s wife and her teen daughter.  From a parenting perspective there was much to gain for those who were tuned in to how the mother reacted to her daughters requests!

  1. WHEN YOU SAY “NO”, STICK TO YOUR GUNS.  It was great to see the mother of this teenager stick to her “no” when it came to an inappropriate pair of shorts that the daughter had purchased.  Several times the girl pleaded her case.  The mother’s response was always the same.  There was no dialog defending her position.  Just a simple “no”.  Know that teenagers fully understand what your standard of dress is and they will push the limit.  Why argue with them when they already know what your response will be?  They’re testing the waters.  Don’t let them push you to give in.
  2. SAY “NO” AND ANTICIPATE WHAT THEY ARE THINKING.  Plans had been made by the daughter to go meet a boy from church.  Again, the mother said “no”.  But she took it one step further!  Knowing that her husband’s sports car was sitting in the driveway, she told the girl that she was not to take his car.  She further told her not to ask her dad about going out when he got home.  Her answer was “no”.  How many times have our children skirted our “no” with a twist of circumstances that we didn’t anticipate? Make sure you learn to think like your child.
  3. LET THEM CHOOSE TO COMPLY.  This is the part where I struggled as a mom.  (Just being honest here).  In the movie Mom had a night planned to go out with girlfriends.  She told her daughter the rules, anticipated ways that she might try to get around them, and then left.  This is where I applauded her!  How many times do we as mothers try to control our teens’ decisions?  The truth of the matter is that her teen could have put the shorts on, gotten in Dad’s car, and gone to see the boy.  If mom had stayed home, the daughter could have been forced to stay as well.  But Mom did the right thing!!  She went out, had fun, and allowed her daughter to make her own choice to obey or disobey.
  4. GET REAL.  How many times do we choose to keep the past a secret?  All of us have a past that impacts how we parent.  As the film plays out, we find  that this pastor’s wife has something that she would prefer others not know about her.  She bravely faces that past and even chooses to share it with her daughter.  Yeah for the pastor’s wife!!  She took her mask off so that she could connect with her teenager!  If this were a true story, sharing that sordid past would most likely save her daughter a similar pain in the future.  I’m not saying that everything we’ve done needs to be an open book, but at some point, teens need to know about some of the decisions we may not be so proud of.   It helps them come to grips with not only our humanness, but the fact that we make decisions for them based on the painful experiences we’ve endured.

If only I had had such a role model early on in my parenting!  Watching the character of Sondra fulfill her role as mother on screen, made me take a look at my own parenting.  How many times have I changed my “no” decision because I allowed my child to sway me to their way of thinking?  How many different ways did my teen twist my intent because I had not anticipated their potential ways to skirt the issue?   How many times did my child succeed at playing my husband and I against each other  until they got the answer they wanted?  How many times did I forgo my plans in order to make sure they understood that I did not trust them?  How many secrets am I holding on to with fear that my child may do the same thing?

Dare you to take inventory in your parenting on some of these issues.  Maybe after watching this film and snuggling with your husband?

“Let go…and let God,”
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Are You Really Listening?

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SECRET (2)

Last week I encountered a bazaar conversation that made me wonder who had trained the receptionist I was talking with on the phone.  It was really quite a simple request.  The conversation went something like this.

“I’d like to make a follow-up appointment for my son on Wednesday, December 17,” I stated in a matter of fact tone.

“He has an opening on Friday, December 5.”

“No, my son will still be away at college.  I’m hoping for the 17th,” I continued.

“The doctor is out of the office from the 15th through the 19th.”

“Bummer, I was really hoping to schedule that week.”

“We could schedule him on the 16th”.

“But you just told me he is not in the office that week!!”

By this time I was more than frustrated!

The truth of the matter is that this is the condensed version of a more than 5 minute conversation that I really didn’t have time for.  That was after all the prompts that I had to get through just to talk to her.  I felt like I was spinning my wheels with someone who truly wasn’t listening to a word I had uttered.

After hanging up the phone, I quickly ran to get a shower.  Ugh, now I was going to be late for an afternoon meeting!

Lathering my hair with shampoo, in the silence of the moment, my brain went into hyper-critical mode.  “I can’t believe what a frustrating experience I had with this woman!  I’ve never encountered anyone that bad on the phone before!  She was unbelievable!”

As I stood with water pelting from above, ranting to the walls of my shower, a still small voice came from somewhere within me.

“How many times were the words you had to say more numerous than just letting your kid talk?” God seemed to whisper.

“What about the details you always tend to miss because you don’t think the story your child is telling you is important so you let your mind wonder to other things?”

” You think your agenda trumps theirs because you’re the parent, so you speak and expect them to listen.  Then you get mad if they don’t get all the details.”

“How many times have you only heard their tone, but not their heart?”

“Are you listening, Debbie, really listening to the full communication of what they are saying?  Do you advantage of the whole communication process?  Do you listen, give eye contact, watch the body language, and try not to frustrate them? What about your heart?  Are you trying to connect with them with your heart.

“Oh, Lord, forgive me for all the times I haven’t really listened!  Help me to listen with my ears, my mind, and my heart.”

Proverbs 18:13

He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame

Bottom Line:  Parents, just like the receptionist hadn’t been trained to listen well, we need to remember that even if we haven’t been good listeners to our children in the past, we can learn the skills and choose to do it from here on out.  May God give you time and patience to learn to listen well so that you can develop heartfelt communication before they leave the nest.  That time will come sooner than you think.

Learning the same truths over and over again along with you!

“Let go…and Let God,”

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Time to Negotiate?

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Tony was notorious for wanting to stay up later than his bedtime allowed.   At 12, he started a full-court press on Jennifer trying to get her to change his bedtime complaining that he was being treated like a little kid.

“Mom, you just don’t get it!  Other kids my age don’t even have a standard bedtime.  For heaven’s sake, I am in junior high!”

As Jennifer pondered the request, she replied.  “You know, Tony.  I realize that you are older and have a pretty rigorous schedule between basketball and homework.  Let me talk to Dad first and see what we can come up with.  Just remember, no promises here.  One of the things I’m concerned about is the fact that you are having to get up earlier this year to get to the bus.  I don’t want you to be so tired that you fall asleep in class.”

“Mom, you know that’s not going to happen.”

“Let me talk to Dad.  I’ll get back to you by this weekend with a decision.”

Mark and Jennifer had learned to make changes slowly in their household.  They realized from the Generations class they had taken that new rules needed to be negotiated and  be able to be changed back if they weren’t working.  The two decided to work out the details of the negotiation as they enjoyed the fall leaves walking through the neighborhood.

“So, Mark, what do you think we should ask Tony to do to earn the later bedtime?”

“Well, I would say that he has to continue getting up on his own and making it to the bus on time for starters.  If he starts missing the bus, then I would definitely want to push the bedtime back to its current time.  I would also tell him that we are going to monitor his attitude in the house.  If he tends to be more argumentative with us or his siblings, I would say that it is probably because he isn’t getting enough sleep.”

“That sounds reasonable.  Let’s say we give it two weeks and reassess?  Maybe we try a half hour for the first week, if it works we’re willing to stretch it to an hour starting the second week?”

“Makes sense to me,” responded Mark.

On Saturday, Mark and Jennifer sat down with Tony along with their “notebook of rules”.

“Tony, I understand that you and your mom have been talking about moving your bedtime to later in the evening.  You know, I think you have a valid point that you are growing up and you are right in that we need to start giving  you more responsibility like a 12 year old.  I’d like to give it a try to see if you can handle staying up later.”

Mark continued telling Tony the things that he and Jennifer had discussed.

“So you understand, right.  We’ll give it a week at half an hour extension and in a week we’ll bump it to an hour.  You can maintain that new bedtime assuming you can get up and get yourself to school on time and you aren’t more argumentative here at home.  If you start missing the bus or your behavior changes here at home, bedtime reverts back to what it is now.”

“Agreed!” Tony happily responded.

“Sign your name here by the date where we negotiated the rules,” Jennifer handed the notebook of rules to Tony.

Ephesians 6:4

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Negotiating new rules in the home can be an opportunity to increase your tweens and teens responsibility while showing them that you respect the fact that they are growing up.  Through the negotiating process you not only validate their feelings, but you give them opportunity to succeed in the maturing process.  Writing down the negotiation will keep both you and your child from being exasperated if the child doesn’t succeed at keeping up their end of the bargain.

Enjoy negotiating!

“Let go…and let God,”

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 I’d love to hear how you’ll implement this new strategy in your home!

The Respect Dare – Used and Hurting

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Not quite sure how to console her son, Lita was frustrated at the turn of events.  Her 14 year old son had been so excited to invite Ben over after church.  They had been planning the big day for a couple of weeks!

Starting school had been difficult for Logan as he tried to navigate his way through a new school and establish friendships.  Some of the kids had been friends since grade school and clicks were well established.  When Logan spotted Ben in the cafeteria the third day of school, he was elated!

“Mom,” he excitedly shouted as he walked in from school. “Guess who has the same lunch period as me!!”

Ben and Logan occasionally saw each other at church on Sunday, but now that they were in the same school together, Lita was hoping for a closer friendship.  Since she and her husband already knew Ben’s parents from church, it was only natural that the relationship was picking up speed with each new encounter.  Both sets of parents were excited that their sons had a “good” friend to hang out with.

Sunday hadn’t come soon enough for Logan.  After eating lunch, Ben suggested they go for a bike ride after seeing several bikes in the garage.

“Sure,” said Logan.  “That’s a great idea!”

As soon as they left, Ben was ready to take charge of the bike trip.  He knew exactly where they were going.

“Come on, Logan.  I want you to meet my friend, Sarah.”  Off Ben went, riding faster and faster as if Logan wasn’t even there.  “Hurry up, Logan, Sarah is expecting us.”

Not sure of what to make of the situation, Logan peddled faster to catch up.  By the time he arrived, Ben was already at Sarah’s front door.  “Hi, Ben!  I thought you would never get here.  Let’s go for a walk.”

In the woods behind Sarah’s house, Logan felt like a third wheel.  As soon as they had gotten out of sight, Ben and Sarah started making out, kissing with hands all over each other.  Logan didn’t know what to do.  He just walked around the woods trying not to watch.  Ben was his guest and he knew he couldn’t leave without him.

After arriving back home after the bike ride, the boys seemed to lose interest in each other.  Lita offered to take Ben home early since both seemed ready to end their day.

“Logan, what happened?” Lita asked on the ride home.  “You seemed so excited about having Ben come today.  Then it just seemed to fizzle out.”

“Mom, I just didn’t know what to do.  Ben didn’t come to spend the day with me.  He came over just to hang out with Sarah.  I just feel so used.  He’s not allowed to hang out with Sarah because his parents think he is too young to have a girlfriend.  He used my invitation as a way to spend time with her.”

“Logan, I’m so sorry you had to endure that today.  It must make you sad to think that Ben was more interested in seeing Sarah than spending time with you.”

“I’m more mad than anything!  What makes him think I can be used to see his girlfriend!”

“You know, Logan,” she continued, “the Bible talks about the need to forgive those who hurt you.  Sometimes that’s not very easy.”

Colossians 3:13-14

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

As parents we need to harness those teachable moments.  When our children are hurt by their friends, it is an opportune time to console them and teach about forgiveness.

“Let go…and let God,”

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Who’s in the Dog House?

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Dianne kept telling herself, “I can’t believe we just did it again!  How come that kid always outsmarts us?!”

She and Derrick thought they had come up with the perfect consequence for their daughter’s new endeavors to test the curfew limits they had put in place.  After all, it wasn’t like they were over-the-top strict. She had talked to several other parents with kids similar in age to Kari.  The curfew in their home fell right in line with what others seemed to be doing with their kids.  “Kari just seems to be one of those kids who think that the rules don’t apply to her,” Dianne lamented.

“If you come in late, then you’ll lose your ability to drive to school the next day,” Dianne and her husband  had  both agreed.  “Second curfew miss, two days.  If you hit number three, you’ll lose the car for a week.”

It really seemed like a fair way to solve the problem.  Both Dianne and Derrick had felt confident that it should work, especially since Kari liked her new found independence with her driver’s license and she hated riding the school bus.

The first time Kari missed curfew after the new rules were in place, Dianne had an appointment that took her past the school.  “Mom, you are going right past the school, can you just drop me off?”

Kari had asked politely, so Dianne decided to give her a break from the bus.  “After all, I am going right past the school,” she rationalized.  “I’d rather do that than have to wait to make sure she gets on the bus.”

The second time Kari missed curfew, she road the bus the first day.  But day number two went south.  Kari wasted her time that morning and didn’t make the bus.  “Mom, I have a chemistry test today!  If I miss, Mr. Robinson will make me take the more difficult test tomorrow!  I can’t bomb this test or I’ll get a “C” in chemistry this semester!  You don’t want me to do that do you?”

And with the last plea, Dianne was fishing in the hall closet to get a jacket and find her keys.  She gathered up her 4 year old to put him in the car seat.

As Kari pushed the curfew limit for the third time, the same game played out.  Kari missed the bus yet again and, as fate would have it, the 4 year old was running a fever and Dianne had spent most of the night rocking her son.  She wasn’t even dressed to take Kari to school.  “Mom, I have to be there! Our group is presenting our project in English.  I have all the props!”

Exhaustion took over and Dianne’s defenses were down.  “Go ahead and take the car, we’ll decide how to handle it later,” she wearily responded.

Galatians 6:7

 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.  

Too many times as parents, we don’t think about how the consequences might impact us  or how we are teaching our children to manipulate circumstances to go their way.  We end up putting ourselves in the dog house because tweens and teens have this uncanny way of pulling on our heartstrings.  We want their success and we’ll do anything to help them achieve it.

Dare you to respect  both you and your child enough to follow through on consequences the way they were intended.  They will learn limits and you’ll stay out of the dog house.:)

“Let go…and let God,”

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Dare 23 – The Respect Dare for parents of 20-Somethings – Are You Awfulizing?

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Sitting at lunch with Brenda, Nadine couldn’t keep herself from telling her woes.  “I’m just wondering if he will ever graduate from college, let alone get a job!  He’s changed his major three times.  At this rate he’ll be paying off school loans until he’s 40!

She paused briefly to take a sip of water.

I can’t count on one hand how many classes Josh has dropped and he’s lost his academic scholarship.  I’ve told him he needs to get a part-time job, but it seems that he was late on the signups at school to be considered.  I don’t know whether I should just tell him to quit school and get a job or encourage him to finish.”

“How many credits does he need to graduate?” Brenda questioned taking a bite of her salad.

“I’m not even sure at this point.  I think he told me he had a year and a half left.”

“Are his grades pretty good?”

“They’re not bad, but they aren’t great either.”

“What’s his major now?”

“I think he landed on business.”

“Well, that’s a good major.  He should be able to get a job with a business degree.”

“I hope so.  I just know my nephew got a degree in business and he’s waiting tables right now.”

“Oh, that’s too bad.  I know with the economy the way it is a lot of kids are finding themselves in that situation.  Nadine,” Brenda continued, “we’ve been friends for a long time.  I can be honest with you, can’t I?”

“Of course!  What’s up?”

“I’m sensing a pattern in how you look at Josh.”

“How so?”

“Let me ask a question first.  Does Josh remind you of anyone you know?  Maybe someone in your family?”

“Funny you should ask.  He is just like my brother, Greg.  Greg never graduated from college.  He just couldn’t decide what he wanted to do and finally dropped out.  He and Judy have struggled to make ends meet their entire marriage.  He’s been working at a hardware store for almost 20 years!  Not that there is anything wrong with that, it is just that he had so much potential and squandered it.”

“Hmm, that must be hard to see Josh in the same light.”

“It is.  That’s why I worry about him so much.”

“That must be what I’m sensing from you. You seem to want to awfulize Josh’s behavior and decisions.”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“I’m just wondering if because you feel that your brother Greg didn’t make good choices about college, you are afraid that Josh will make some of the same mistakes.”

“Of course I am.  They seem to be two peas in a pod.”

“Nadine, what good comes from imagining the worst with Josh’s decisions?  Who does it affect?  And most important, how is your interaction with Josh when you tend to doubt that he’ll make good choices?”

“That’s a lot to think about.  I guess I do tend to think about what I consider were Greg’s failures.  I’m afraid that Josh will do the same thing.”

“You’re afraid, so you think of the worst thing that could possibly happen with Josh?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“So, who does that affect?”

“I guess me, because I sit around and worry a lot.”

“And how do you interact with Josh?”

“I’ve tried to warn him over and over, but he just doesn’t seem to listen.”

“Nadine, when we always look at our kids through a negative lens, we tend to look at their decisions in the worst possible scenario.  That’s what I was referring to when I said you might be awfulizing.  When we do that, we tend to want to over-parent our kids.  We’re afraid they’ll make a wrong choice or become like, in this case, Josh’s Uncle Greg.  It can impact our relationship with our kids and it can hold them back from really exploring who God made them to be.”

“I never thought of that.  Raising kids can be so scary.  I just want him to graduate so he can get a good job!”

“One of the things that I’ve had to learn while my kids were in college, is to think about these years as a time of exploration.  A friend of mine had a daughter who just knew she wanted to be an English teacher.  She graduated from college, got the perfect job teaching English and literature, and after two years of teaching, she realizes that she hates it.  But now, she feels like she is stuck.  Why not look at Josh through a different lens?  He’s exploring his options now so that he is better equipped to really know that he is in the right profession later.  Yes, he might make some mistakes in the process, but through the mistakes he’ll grow.”

“You’ve certainly given me a lot to think about.  You’re right, I do want a good relationship with Josh and I need to let him be in charge of his decisions.”

Philipians 4:8-9 ESV  

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

“Let go…and let God,”

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Hope you will join Nina Roesner as she provides insight on marriage and Leah Heffner as she blogs to wives with little people as we go through The Respect Dare together.