It’s the Little Things that Count

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If you are like me, you’ve celebrated every big event your kids have had.   Whether it is first day of high school, getting their temps, high school graduation or any other thing that they’ve worked hard for, you probably have pictures galore to show for the celebration–balloons, gifts, or maybe, food and friends made it a special event.  It is total excitement to watch our kids achieve a milestone setting them on a path toward success and independence.

You know the time is coming, you anxiously plan the special day, and as a mom, you are beaming with pride looking at what God is accomplishing in your child’s life.

But do you celebrate or find ways to bless in the little things?

If you will, let me elaborate a little bit here to give you a glimpse of what I’m talking about.

God has allowed a roller coaster of emotion for me this week.  I’ve cried more, laughed more, prayed more, hugged more, and contemplated more than I have ever done in such a short amount of time.  And in the midst of it all God seems to be telling me how faithful he has been.

My youngest son called me this week to let me know that he had finished his last final for the semester.  We celebrated his freedom from studies for the summer over the phone.  Did I communicate more about how proud I was of his hard work at school or did I focus more on what he needs to get done to get himself settled back home for the summer?

My second son spent his Saturday helping us move furniture–and it was an all-day job.  Did I communicate how much we appreciated his sacrifice of time and energy?  Did I also let his wife know how thankful we were that she was willing to let him help us rather than what she might have wanted him to do?

My oldest son and his wife announced that we’re going to be grandparents this year!  Will I be the a know-it-all mother giving unsolicited advice or will I be there to support the decisions they make and interject only when asked?  Will I encourage them and ask permission to be involved at the level I desire giving them the option to set boundaries without getting upset?

My daughter made a really wise but difficult decision this week–one that has taken her a while to make.  Will I encourage her as she moves in a new direction applauding the baby steps or will I push her to do the things I think make the most sense?

My husband has worked hard physically and emotionally this week as we’ve made some difficult transitions.  Will I encourage him to rest and move forward slowly or will I dump my feelings and frustrations on him along with my to-do list in an effort to relieve my own transition stress?

Yes, celebrating the milestones is important, but sometimes we need to take stock of the little achievements in life and celebrate in a way that blesses those around us–that includes our own milestones.

  • Did you pause before responding in anger?
  • Did you see your teen do something positive and let her know that you noticed?
  • Did you communicate “thanks” to your tween when typically you would have remained silent?
  • Did you applaud the baby steps for trying, even if your teen failed?
  • Have you looked your teen in the eye recently and told them 5 things that you are thankful for about them?

We are the relationship architects in our homes and what we pay attention to grows!

Dare you to join me in trying to celebrate the little things in life and heap blessing on those around us.  If we do, our relationships will blossom and our kids, our friends, and our husbands will know that we respect them as capable human beings created by God.

Ephesians 2:10

We are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which He prepared beforehand so that we might walk in them.

Philippians 1:6

Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:

“Let go…and let God”,

 

 

 

 

Are You Really Listening?

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Last week I encountered a bazaar conversation that made me wonder who had trained the receptionist I was talking with on the phone.  It was really quite a simple request.  The conversation went something like this.

“I’d like to make a follow-up appointment for my son on Wednesday, December 17,” I stated in a matter of fact tone.

“He has an opening on Friday, December 5.”

“No, my son will still be away at college.  I’m hoping for the 17th,” I continued.

“The doctor is out of the office from the 15th through the 19th.”

“Bummer, I was really hoping to schedule that week.”

“We could schedule him on the 16th”.

“But you just told me he is not in the office that week!!”

By this time I was more than frustrated!

The truth of the matter is that this is the condensed version of a more than 5 minute conversation that I really didn’t have time for.  That was after all the prompts that I had to get through just to talk to her.  I felt like I was spinning my wheels with someone who truly wasn’t listening to a word I had uttered.

After hanging up the phone, I quickly ran to get a shower.  Ugh, now I was going to be late for an afternoon meeting!

Lathering my hair with shampoo, in the silence of the moment, my brain went into hyper-critical mode.  “I can’t believe what a frustrating experience I had with this woman!  I’ve never encountered anyone that bad on the phone before!  She was unbelievable!”

As I stood with water pelting from above, ranting to the walls of my shower, a still small voice came from somewhere within me.

“How many times were the words you had to say more numerous than just letting your kid talk?” God seemed to whisper.

“What about the details you always tend to miss because you don’t think the story your child is telling you is important so you let your mind wonder to other things?”

” You think your agenda trumps theirs because you’re the parent, so you speak and expect them to listen.  Then you get mad if they don’t get all the details.”

“How many times have you only heard their tone, but not their heart?”

“Are you listening, Debbie, really listening to the full communication of what they are saying?  Do you advantage of the whole communication process?  Do you listen, give eye contact, watch the body language, and try not to frustrate them? What about your heart?  Are you trying to connect with them with your heart.

“Oh, Lord, forgive me for all the times I haven’t really listened!  Help me to listen with my ears, my mind, and my heart.”

Proverbs 18:13

He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame

Bottom Line:  Parents, just like the receptionist hadn’t been trained to listen well, we need to remember that even if we haven’t been good listeners to our children in the past, we can learn the skills and choose to do it from here on out.  May God give you time and patience to learn to listen well so that you can develop heartfelt communication before they leave the nest.  That time will come sooner than you think.

Learning the same truths over and over again along with you!

“Let go…and Let God,”

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Dare 21 – The Respect Dare – Another Request?!? For Parents of 20-Somethings

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Standing in the laundry room after a few days out of town, Anita was amazed at the piles of laundry that still needed washed, dried, folded, and put away. “This will take me hours!” she voiced to no one who could hear. Having just moved the second load into the washer, she was wistfully looking out the window at the beautiful day when she heard the phone ring in the other room. “Maybe I should pretend that I’m not back yet and go out and sit on the deck with a book,” she laughed to herself hoping to have a quiet day to relax and play catchup from the fun extended weekend with her husband.

Looking at caller ID she recognized the number. Her 23-year old daughter was calling to probably check to see if she was back. Picking up the phone she responded with a cheery “Hi, Kari. How was your weekend?”

“It was just okay. Nothing exciting.”

“What did you do?”

Kari just shared minor snippets. Anita had the impression all Kari really did was work through the weekend. Then the true reason for the call became clear. “Mom, I’m standing here with mountains of dirty laundry and I won’t have enough money this week to go to the Laundromat. I’m off today. I thought maybe I’d swing by and throw a couple of loads in your machine if that is okay.”

“Kari, I’m sorry. I’m doing laundry right now and I’m sure it will take me to the end of the day. Maybe you can do it another day this week?”

“Mom, this is my only day off work this week. I really need some clean underwear.”

“Maybe you could try to wash a few pairs out in your sink and hang them to dry? That should get you through the week.”

“I guess I could do that. I was just hoping to get all my laundry done today.”

“Hmm, that’s too bad. I’m really sorry I didn’t know sooner. I could have potentially postponed a few of my loads. Now I’m in full swing for the day.”

“By the way, any special reason why you are so short on cash this week?”

“Mom, I wasn’t really going to tell you, but Mitch and I decided to go camping on Saturday. It was my first Saturday off in over a month. We ended up in a big fight because he didn’t have enough gas to get us back home. I got stuck with having to fill up his tank which means I don’t have enough money to get through the week.”

“Have you asked him to pay you back?”

“We’re not speaking at the moment.”

“Did you work out the financial arrangements before you left on the campout?”

“I thought we had. Obviously, I was wrong.”

“I’m sorry it didn’t work out how you would have liked. Maybe you will find a way to talk to him this week and work things out.”

Kari chatted a little more bemoaning the woes of her relationship with Mitch. Mom listened intently, offering emotional support that she knew her daughter needed at the moment. As the conversation started waning, she quietly offered to let her mom go back to her laundry.

“Hope you can get enough of your underwear washed by hand to get you through the week,” Mom chuckled. “Let me know if you want to come over another day before work this week and throw in a load or two.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-5

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:

2 A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
3 A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
4 A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;

 

Sometimes as parents of 20-somethings, we are overtly willing to put what we are doing aside to “rescue” our children from natural consequences. In some instances, it does make sense to bail them out even when we know it will cost us something; time, money, or emotional energy. Other times, they need to learn to make-do with what they have at their disposal and learn to manage their time and resources better without always running to Mom and Dad for last minute bailouts. Either way, don’t forget to fill the emotional tank.:)

Dare you to discern what lessons your 20-something needs to learn on their own while still striving to keep the relationship intact.

“Let go…and let God,”


Hope you will join Nina Roesner as she provides insight on marriage and Leah Heffner as she blogs to wives with little people as we go through The Respect Dare together.

 

 


TRD – Dare 20 – Vulnerability? You’ve Got to be Kidding! For Parents of Tweens & Teens

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Sitting on my back patio spending quiet time in the Word, I knew that God was calling me to take a risk. I knew that he was dogging me to volunteer for something that I would love to do. I also knew I was choosing to follow His lead, not just attempt to do something to make me look or feel good. I broached the subject with my husband to see what he thought about the volunteer position.

His response, “Go for it, Honey. Just don’t be hurt if they say ‘no’.”

Ouch! That would be the hard part. What if the person I needed to ask said ‘no’? Could I live with the embarrassment?

Before I put my neck out there, I decided to let my kids know what I was thinking. It would mean that they would need to be responsible for dinner and cleanup one night a week and would need to make sure any homework that needed to be reviewed was complete before 5:00.

Getting the thumbs up on the family front, I ventured the call. Trembling, I decided the make the offer informal. “Would you like to bring your kids over to swim in our neighborhood pool?”

We spent almost two hours sitting by the pool while our tweens swam. The longer we talked, the more comfortable I became at sharing my story. You know the one…the story of all the good, bad, and ugly that had gone in my life and how I thought God was calling me to this ministry. After all, that’s what this ministry was all about! Being brave enough to go out on a limb because God was calling me to action!

As our time came to a close, the ministry leader looked at me and said, “Debbie, I think it is great that God is calling you to do something. Just know that we are fully staffed right now and I really don’t have anything for you to do. Thanks for letting me know. Maybe God’s got something else out there for you.”

My heart nearly dropped out of my chest. It took everything within me to rein my emotion in and keep the tears from falling. Honestly, I wanted to grab her and shake her and tell her that God was asking me to do this! How could she possibly turn me down like that?


At dinner, Dave and the kids couldn’t wait to hear how my meeting went. With bowed head I admitted that they didn’t need me. “I really thought God wanted me to do this. Guess I didn’t have the timing right,” I responded through a cracked voice.

Even though the kids tried to cheer me up telling me what the ministry was missing out on, the lies continued to bombard me. “You aren’t anyone to them. You’re not good enough. What did you think, asking them to be part of the ministry? Now they know what a loser you really are!” And the self-defeating voices continued through the night.

Still in pj’s the next morning, I grabbed my Bible and sauntered into my office to close out the world. God and I needed to have a talk! “Why, God? Why did you have me make a fool of myself?” After letting Him know how frustrated I was and letting Him know that I didn’t understand why He had set me up for failure, His Word came loud and clear:

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

And I kept reading.

Jeremiah 29:12-14

“Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.”

“Lord, I am so sorry. You are right! The lies I’m hearing in my head right now are taking me captive. I am your creation. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You made me who I am and you’ve asked me to do this ministry. Lord, I do not doubt what you’ve asked me to do, but now, Lord, I’m going to throw it back in your lap. I’ve contacted the ministry leader and now I’m going to patiently wait on you to let the ministry leader know that she is supposed to ask me to participate. But God, could you hurry up and let her know that she needs me? I really hate this waiting process. I promise that I will choose to not take it personally. I know that you’ve designed me to do this and you are calling me. I’m going to choose to be still and wait to see that You are God in this situation.”

By the time dinner rolled around, each of my children had separately asked me how I was doing. They knew I had been “turned down, excluded, or not chosen” (their words). It was a great opportunity to model “choosing” to let God work the details and not allowing myself to believe the lies that I hadn’t really heard God’s voice or had gotten it wrong or was a “nobody”. I assured them that I wasn’t going to wrap my identity up in this setback. “I’m going to let God sort it out,” became my mantra.

Two weeks later, God showed up big time! “Debbie, would you still be interested in working with us this year? I had someone step down for the Fall session and think you would be a perfect fit.”

Wow! A lot of learning took place over dinner table discussion that night! I was so glad that I had allowed my tweens and teen to see me hit a roadblock of life. I thanked God that He had given me the ability of waiting on Him to be modeled well for my children. Sharing where I was at with my children, at a time of feeling like a failure, has given us lots of opportunity for discussion for when they are “turned down, excluded, or not chosen” (my words.)

Dare you to be vulnerable with your kids when opportunity arises so they can learn from you how to “be still and watch God work in their lives.”

“Let go…and let God,”


Hope you will join Nina Roesner as she provides insight on marriage and Leah Heffner as she blogs to wives with little people as we go through The Respect Dare together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Dare 18 – The Respect Dare – Do You Leave the Front Door Open? – For Parents of 20-Somethings

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Twenty-eight year old Ashley sighed as she gave her husband Derrick a hug, “Guess I really should go home and spend the day with Mom and Dad for Father’s Day. I know that I’m supposed to honor him, but it is so hard given how he treated us when we were dating.”

“Do you want me to go with you?” replied Derrick.

“Wow! That’s so sweet of you given how he acted toward you at our wedding. I love you, but I won’t subject you to his wrath.”

“Honey, I can handle it. Besides, I got the prize.”

“Aww…you are so sweet. I’d say we both won,” she whispered tenderly. “Let me think about it. The hard part is that Dad and I always had such a special relationship. I feel like when I go home I can’t be ‘Daddy’s little girl’ anymore.”

“You’ve got me now,” he laughed as he scooped her up in a tight bear hug and gently threw her on the couch. She laughed as he started tickling her and gently nuzzling her behind the ear.

After their passionate kiss, she replied, “I’m glad I chose you. If I had to choose…I knew you were the right choice.”

With that comment the tears came flooding. “Derrick, why did he make me choose?”

Later that evening Derrick broached the subject again. “Ashley, maybe it makes sense for you to go visit your parents by yourself. Please know that I’m more than willing to go with you, but maybe if you go by yourself, your dad won’t feel so threatened. Maybe you can talk about it. Maybe…maybe he’ll come to accept me…accept us as part of the family.”

“I can certainly try. I just hope he’ll listen. Maybe I’ll call Mom and share with her what I’m hoping for with Dad. Maybe she can talk some sense into him before I get there. Derrick, you are such a good man. Thank you for suggesting that I go home and work through this with my parents. I’ve always dreamed of having the opportunity to take our future children to grandma and grandpa’s house and play games and have fun there. The way it was when I was growing up. Now, I’m almost afraid of what Dad will say if I do go home. I’m afraid that it will stir up the anger all over again. I guess that I thought that no matter what I’d always be ‘Daddy’s little girl’.”

“Ashley, just remember that you’ve got me. You’ve got us. Whatever happens at your parent’s house doesn’t change the fact that I love you. I’ll be praying that your Dad will get the fact that you still want a relationship with him. Honey, I’ll never make you choose between him and me. I know that there is room in your heart to love both of us.”

Ephesians 1:3-10 ESV

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace,

Have we been so hurt by our adult children’s choices that we have failed to extend grace to our 20-somethings? Have we made it hard for them to return through our front door? Do we sit in judgment forgetting that our children still need our love? Have we forgiven them for the choices they make…even when we don’t think they deserve it?

Dare you to have open dialog with your 20-somethings to see if there are open wounds of the past that need to be lanced so they can heal.

“Let go…and let God,”


Hope you will join Nina Roesner as she provides insight on marriage and Leah Heffner as she blogs to wives with little people as we go through The Respect Dare together.

 


The Respect Dare – Dare 18 – Does Fear Have a Grip on You? – For Parents of Tweens & Teens

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“Cassie, you’re not going to that party! You know how we feel about these high school parties. We don’t know the parents or the students,” Marsha responded. “We’ve got plans that evening anyway.”

“Why is it we always have plans when I want to do something? What is it we’re doing?”

“I’m waiting for your dad to let me know. I’m guessing we’ll go to eat after the game. You’re welcome to invite a friend to go with us.”

“Mom, everyone in the band always goes to the party. All my friends will be there. They are always chaperoned by band parents so what’s the big deal? You act as if something bad will be going on! It’s like you always plan something so I can’t have any fun with my friends!”

And with that Cassie stormed to her bedroom and slammed the door.

A couple of hours later, Brandon, Marsha’s high school junior, came bounding into the laundry room. “Mom, I’m heading over to Adam’s for a few hours to work on Chemistry.”

“How are you getting there?”

“You said you were going to be doing laundry the rest of the afternoon. I thought I would just take your car since you won’t be driving it. Is that okay?”

“Where does he live?”

“Not too far. He’s about 10 minutes away toward Saltair.”

“I don’t know, son. Maybe I should take you. Those roads are pretty narrow and that bridge at the bottom of that curve scares me. I’ll just grab my purse and take you over there. I might need the car anyway.”

“Mom, you’ve got to be kidding! I’m 17 for heaven’s sake. Why can’t I just drive over there myself?”

“Brandon, my job is to keep you safe. I need to pick up a gallon of milk anyway, so this way I can get it on the way back.”

“Mom, I’ll just bring some home when we’re through studying.”

“Honey, I need it to fix dinner.”

“I know you are just making that up so you have to drive me!”
he flung the words at her as he grabbed his book bag.

As Marsha and Ron were climbing into bed that evening, Ron asked, “Honey, what was going on at dinner tonight? Both Cassie and Adam were in such foul moods. Anything I should know about?”

“I’m just tired of both of them asking to do things that are just not safe!” she mumbled. I feel like I always have to be on guard to make sure I have an alternative to their request. Cassie wants to go to one of those high school parties after Friday night’s game and today I had to drive Brandon over to a friend’s house because he thought he could drive on that narrow winding road down by the river! It just exhausts me! They just don’t understand all the horrible things that can happen to them.

“So I’m assuming both of them were upset because you told them both “no” to their requests?”

“Yes! I always have to be the bad guy.”

“Marsha, Adam is 17 and Cassie will be 16 in a couple of months. When are you going to let go?”

“So you think I should have said “yes”! You’ve got to be kidding! I’m not going to let my 15 year old daughter go to a party after the game where I don’t know the parents or the kids! And Adam needs more driving experience before he drives on that road!”

“Honey, so when are we going to let go?”

I Peter 5:7

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

As parents, some of us have more difficulty than others of letting our children grow up. Part of it could be our upbringing if we grew up in a home where fear was passed on to us by our parents. Others of us struggle because of something horrific that has happened, so we constantly have a nagging sense of fear that is hard to get past. Whatever the circumstance, I would encourage to ask yourself if it is time to start letting go. Our tweens and teens need to know that we trust them. They need to know that we want to protect them…but beware of holding on too tight.

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Dare you to assess whether you respect your tweens and teens enough to loosen the reins if you are holding on out of fear.

“Let go…and let God,”


Hope you will join Nina Roesner as she provides insight on marriage and Leah Heffner as she blogs to wives with little people as we go through The Respect Dare together.