6 Steps to Help Validate Your Kids

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The word validation has been cropping up everywhere I turn for the past two weeks.  It’s something that I’ve struggled with for years.  I always thought empathy and validation were essentially the same thing.  I tended to be pretty good on the empathy front so I assumed that my empathy was in fact validating my kids.  After all, I was listening, naming their feelings, trying to connect on an emotional level.  I was telling them I understood why they felt the way they did, and then I would share how I saw the situation.

Wrong.  (That is the sharing how I saw the situation part).

It took a good friend to call me out on it one day.  Actually we were in the middle of a disagreement.  It wasn’t heated and I was doing my best at showing her empathy at the time.  Then I used the word.  You probably use it often too.  It is that little word where we invalidate everything we just said.

I used the word “But”.

Validation is more than empathy.  Validation says that you have a right to think the way you do AND feel the way you feel.  It also says that I’m willing to acknowledge it.  I am willing to be present in your moment.

On a surface level, validation is acknowledgement.  When we are standing in the kitchen prepping a meal and our teen comes in from school, turning to acknowledge they are home, looking them in the eye, or asking a question is a form of validation.  It says that I think you are more important that whatever I am doing in the moment.  I choose to be present and engage says a lot to validate the importance of that person in your life.  Multi-tasking while our teen is sharing their story is not validation.  

Oh, my.  How many times a day do I actually stop what I am doing to validate the importance of my teen in my life?

Another level of validation is to summarize and reflect on what the other person has said and maybe include how you think the person is feeling.  Just by summarizing in a non-judgmental way, it tells your teen that you hear her AND you acknowledge her world.  If your teen comes in crying and tells you something her best friend did to her, “Meggie told everyone at school that I liked Tim.  I hate her!”, validating her might be something like “Oh, I’m so sorry she told everyone that.  You must feel so hurt that she would betray your confidence.”  Another step would be to hug and console her by letting her cry on your shoulder.

How many times do we invalidate our teen by saying things we think will fix the problem?  “Oh, honey, you don’t hate Meggie.  She’s your best friend.”  or “Meggie certainly didn’t mean to tell everyone.  You’re just hurt.  This will blow over.”  We may say the words in a soothing manner; however, have we thought about what we are really saying to our child?  Words such as these defend the other person and can make our teen feel like their thoughts and feelings aren’t justified.

To take it up a notch, we can even validate someone when we are in the middle of a disagreement. 

  • Listen carefully to their words and summarize them to make sure you heard correctly in a non-threatening, non-judgmental way.
  • Read their body language and use words to describe what they might be feeling.  Get consensus that the words you choose are accurate to them.
  • Understand their tone of voice and acknowledge the emotion the other person is conveying.
  • Agree with the other person as much as possible.  In other words, agree that they have a right to feel the way they feel and they have a right to think differently than you.
  • Apologize for your part in making the other person feel the way they feel even if you feel that you did nothing to make them feel that way. Sometimes we do and say things that are taken the wrong way, but we can still apologize for the way it came across.
  • Try to resolve the disagreement only after the other person feels totally heard and understood.  Make sure they know that you are on their team.

A mom called me last week to share a conversation she had had with her adult son.   He called her to say he wanted to come over because he had some things he wanted to get off his chest.  It seems he had been bottling up frustration for several years about some of the decisions his mom had made when he lived at home and the way he was parented.  This son came in with accusation after accusation.  When I asked my friend how she responded to him, she told me, “I just listened and then told him why I did the things I did.”

As she shared, I imagined a ping-pong game.  You did this, justification.  You did that, justification.  When this happened, justification.  You didn’t, justification.  Back and forth without any acknowledgement of his feelings.  No summarizing to get clarification of his thoughts or to make sure he felt heard.

“How did the conversation end?” I asked.

“After about an hour and a half, I told him I was sorry and he left,” she responded.  “He seemed talked out.”

“I asked if she thought her son felt closure and connection.”  

“I don’t know,” she replied.

The son most likely wanted reconciliation and an adult perspective of what happened while he was growing up.  Let’s face it.  As parents we will make mistakes and we want our kids to bring those things they are having difficulty understanding to our attention.  Thankfully, this mom was open to the conversation; she listened and she did apologize.

That’s a great first step.

But validation can be so much more if we choose to not justify our actions.  Justification says I’m right and you are wrong.  It can become threatening and feel judgmental to the other person.

Many of us do this without even realizing it!  It is second nature to justify our actions and responses especially if we grew up in a home that didn’t use validation as a means of encouragement and connection. 

This friend and I are still talking about her conversation with her son.  She didn’t even recognize that there was more she could have done.  I’m encouraging her to try practicing the skill of validation and reopen the conversation with her son in the future.  If she does, then full restorative healing can take place.

Acknowledgement of our child’s thoughts, frustrations, and emotions through validation can strengthen our relationship beyond our wildest dreams.  It communicates acceptance.  It communicates that their thoughts and emotions have value.  And even when we don’t necessarily agree with them, it shows that there are different ways to view any situation and their way is okay.  Validation leads to an opportunity to later explain your view of the situation without condemnation.  They’ll be more open to listening to you because they feel valued by you.

Romans 8:1

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,

Dare you to learn the skills of validation to enhance the relationship with your teens.  Start becoming more aware of your conversations with your teens by getting rid of the “but” and justifying your actions.  If you do, it will strengthen your relationship.

“Let go…and let God”,

We’re in the process of revamping our With All Due Respect eCourse.  For a limited time moms can sign up for our current course on Facebook.  And it’s free. Get your copy of the book to go through the dares with us here.

Does Your Kid Make You Feel Like You Can Do Nothing Right?

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Last week I felt like everything I did for one of my kids was met with sarcasm, frustration, or anger.  The typical jokes we had between us, the acts of kindness I did, and every time I seemed to open my mouth it was met with a snarl of “you never…” or “you always…”.  I couldn’t win.

Having had four kids under my roof, I’ve learned to try different things to get to the root of the issue.  This time was no different.

I fixed a special breakfast one morning.  No change.

A special treat from the grocery store.  No change.

I tried talking about it.  More anger.

Going for a walk with him.  Good conversation about the weather and general topics — but no change.

And then I decided to wait.  

I didn’t totally avoid him (after all we were living in the same house), but I did my thing and he did his.  I didn’t go out of my way to seek resolution.  (After all, I had already tried that and it hadn’t worked).  So I waited.

If he needed something, he had to come to me.

And I continued to wait.  (Difficult for me as a mom who wants to solve the problem now.)

One evening as the two of us were together standing in the kitchen with no one else home, the words came tumbling out of his mouth.  He shared his fears and his assumptions about how I was handling a situation.

I listened–I mean really listened.  

The words kept coming as if pent up emotion had been there for years — and in all reality it had.  A feeling he had almost a decade before had been triggered by a choice I had made two weeks earlier.  My son had tied that feeling of 10 years ago to a situation I was facing today.  As a result he was making assumptions.  Assumptions that I was responding the same way I had all those years ago.

And he was angry, frustrated, and filled with fear.

A-ha!  Now I knew what was troubling him.  

Rather than tell my side of the story, which is where my true now I can fix-it nature likes to go.  Thankfully I paused long enough to know what I should really do in moments like this.

I empathized.  I apologized for what he experienced earlier.  I made sure that he felt heard and affirmed.

Then I asked a critical question.  “I know you were hurt years ago, and I know that the decision I made this time feels the same way to you, and I’m sorry.  Would it be okay if I share why I think this time is different from last time?”

Notice that I asked permission to talk.

What I’ve learned is that when there is a disconnect between two people, asking their permission to tell them how you see the situation differently creates two things — an acknowledgement that you heard them and an understanding that you want to create a “safe” place for them.

If my son had said no to my question, I would have honored that and ended the conversation with something like “I know that this has been difficult for you and I respect that.  I do feel like the situation today is very different from what you experienced in the past.  When you are ready to talk about it let me know and I’ll share how I see things now.”

Thankfully my son agreed to let me share what I was thinking about the current circumstances.  Once he was able to hear my heart, the climate changed between us.  The sarcasm, the frustration, and the anger seem to be gone.  Mutual respect has re-entered our relationship because we now understand each other’s reasons for our choices and behavior.

Without the empathy and respect piece, we don’t create safety for the other person in the relationship.  This derails our conversations and keeps us from getting to the root cause.  Instead we typically try to justify or at least explain our side of the story which makes things unsafe for the other person.

I’ll admit that typically I’m terrible about making sure I validate the other person.  I just want to fix the problem and move on.  However, we need to remember that conflict resolved well (with empathy, validation, and safety), creates a more intimate relationship.  

I’ve given my son permission to give me a cue when I head down the path of justifying my actions before I’ve made sure he has been heard.  It’s humbling to see how many times I get it wrong.  That said, I want to grow in my relationships with others–especially with my kids.

Proverbs 19:11

A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.

Dare you to  look at how you respond when your kid seems frustrated or angry at you.  Empathize, validate, and create safety to mend and create a more fulfilling relationship.

“Let go…and let God”,

 

 

Are You Cultivating the Relationship?

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The phone had been silent for several days and Shannon began to worry. Silence usually meant something was going on that her daughter didn’t want her to know about. Silence meant whatever was happening was something that her daughter knew she wouldn’t approve of. Silence meant this chasm would widen, the earth would give way, and then it would all come tumbling out–every unbelievable detail.

Shannon had grown accustomed to the turbulence that accompanied these silent times; they rattled her very soul. Shannon prayed; she sought answers from Scripture; she had given her daughter back to God more times than she could remember. But here she was again, crying out to God for some sort of awakening to occur in her daughter’s life. “Speak to her, Lord,” she uttered once again.

Shannon was learning that she was the one who needed to stay connected to her daughter. Amber needed a steady force in her life. Without Shannon reaching out in Amber’s own mode of communication “texting” or “Facebook – IM”, the telephone lines would continue to remain silent. “Checking in to see how you are doing,” she pounded out on the mini touchscreen. “Just wanted you to know that you are loved.”

“Love you too, Mom” came quickly back on the screen.

“You doing ok?” Shannon responded.

“I guess.” Amber replied. “Call you when I get off work.”

Shannon prayed throughout the day. She prayed for Amber. She prayed for whatever Amber would share with her this evening. She prayed that her responses would always come across as loving.

But silence continued throughout the evening. No call from Amber. Shannon continued to pray for her daughter. She’d try to reconnect again in a few days.

Three days later she sent a text to Amber just to see how she was doing.

The phone rang. “Hi, Mom. Sorry I didn’t call you back the other evening.”

“Honey, that’s okay. I know you’re busy. How’s work going?”

“Fine. How’s Harold doing?”

“He left, Mom.”

“What do you mean, he left”?

“Mom, he moved out.”

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry. How are you feeling about that?”

“I’m so upset–yet part of me is glad he is gone. At least I know what kind of man he really is.”

“What made him decide to leave? You two were starting to talk about marriage.”

“Mom, I guess you’ll find out soon enough anyway. I’m pregnant.”

Shannon took a deep breath. She knew her next words were critical. She could either bring life into her daughter or create an avalanche of destructive feelings into their conversation.

“Honey, I’m not sure how to respond. I’m in shock. I’m going to be a grandmother. How are you feeling about it?”

Ephesians 4:31-32

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and railing, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God also in Christ forgave you.

Sometimes our 20-Somethings make choices that we not only disagree with, but they make choices that will impact our lives in ways we would rather not deal with. Even though it would be easier to write them off saying that they can deal with their own issues (they know our phone number), we need to show them the love of Christ and initiate relationship. Words that come out of our mouths can either incite further anger and rejection or bring healing. We may not always be elated by the news they share, but it is important that we respond with the love of Christ.

Proverbs 16:24

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Dare you to connect with your 20-Something today by speaking words of tenderness to them. Why not send them a text?

“Let go…and let God,”


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A Different Way to Communicate When Our Teens Disrespect Our Time

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A friend and I used to joke about our spiritual gift of driving when our kids were teen.  Hauling kids from school or activities can be a great opportunity to connect with them.  However, sometimes our teens can take advantage of our generosity.   Several years ago, I had a mother share with me her dilemma.  She wanted to be there for her kids but she didn’t know how to set boundaries.

“I just lost it!” she admitted.

Sitting outside the school, Marcia’s anger began brewing as her thoughts began to surface, “How dare she expect me to pick her up after school and then not be out here waiting for me.“

She punched in the speed dial number on her phone to reach her daughter only to have it roll to voicemail. “Mom, there is no cell phone service in the school. Do you want me to go find her?” offered Elizabeth. “I’d like to get home too. I have a lot of homework tonight.”

As Elizabeth went to go find her sister, Marcia pulled the car into a parking space. Thinking of all the things she could be doing with her time instead of waiting for her 15 year old yet again, she caught her emotion spinning out of control. Nothing seemed to work in getting Sara’s attention.

As she sat there trying to calm herself, she remembered:

Philippians 2:14

Do everything without complaining or arguing.

“Okay, God, I get it. But does that really mean I’m supposed to sit her and not complain about her continual disrespect of my time?”

As two minutes turned to ten, Marcia tried to reflect on her situation with Sara. There had to be an alternative to this scenario. She didn’t want to continue to play this game on a daily basis. “God, I know I’m not to complain or argue with her, but what do I do?”

Ephesians 4:29

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

“Alright, Lord. So when Sara gets in the car, I’m not going to complain about her being late. I’m going to be calm. I’m not going to show her how upset I am. But I do need to build her up in a way that she will listen to my needs as well. I obviously don’t need an audience with Elizabeth in the car. This conversation needs to just take place between Sara and me. Give me the ability to keep my mouth in check when she gets here.”

The two sisters finally emerged from the building with another friend in tow. “Mom, you don’t mind giving Ted a ride home do you? He lives about a mile from here. His mom had to take his sister to the dentist this afternoon and couldn’t pick him up.”

Later that evening Marcia found her daughter in her room studying. “Sara, can we talk for a few minutes?”

“Sure, Mom, what’s up?”

“I liked your friend, Ted. He seems real nice.”

“Yeah, he’s cool. He’s in my Spanish class. He’s kind of a nerd, but still cool.”

“You know, I like it that you are my social butterfly. You’ll always have an impact on other people with your ability to connect. I really think God will be able to use you because of your outgoing personality.”

“Thanks, Mom. I really do like to be part of people’s lives.”

“I’d like to talk about that. You see, I’m noticing a pattern that is starting to be a frustration for me. While I love it that you want to connect with people and talk after school, it is forcing me to have to wait longer and longer for you. I love you dearly and want you to have friends, but there are times when I have a lot of things to do in the afternoon and it frustrates me to have to sit in the car for 20-30 minutes waiting. I agreed to pick you up after school so that you wouldn’t have to be on the bus for 40 minutes and it’s not a big deal since I pick up Elizabeth anyway. But I’m feeling like we swapped your 40 minutes for my 40 minutes. I’m wondering if we might be able to work out a solution so that you still have time after school to connect, but Elizabeth and I don’t have to be sitting in the parking lot waiting every day.”

“Mom, I could try to be out there earlier. It’s just that sometimes I get stopped in the hall by one of my friends and I lose track of time.”

“I understand. Those things happen sometimes. It happens to me on Sunday mornings after church when the rest of you are ready to leave.”

“Here is a thought I had. What if on Monday and Friday, I give you extra time after school. I’ll pick up Elizabeth and then go run errands. I’ll plan on picking you up 45 minutes after school is out. You can set your alarm on your phone and meet me outside when it goes off. On the other days, you can stay 5 minutes and no more. Again, set your alarm and meet me outside.”

“Can I change the days or does it have to be Monday and Friday?”

“I can probably be flexible on the days, but we need to clear it with Elizabeth as well because it affects her schedule. I’m also open to any other suggestions you might have. Think about it and we can talk about it tomorrow. Just know that I need you to set your phone alarm for 5 minutes after school is out tomorrow. I don’t want to have to wait like I did today.”

“Okay, Mom. I’m sorry about today. I’ll think about it.”

“We’ll work it out, I’m sure. Just know that I love you and I love how you connect with people. I want you to understand, too, how important it is to be respectful of other people’s time.”

Too many times as parents, how we communicate to our tweens and teens speaks volumes. While conversations like this take time to cultivate, grumbling and complaining about how our kids treat us won’t get us very far in the relationship department or most likely solve the problem long term.

So what are the communication steps?

  1. Start on a positive note.  What is a positive character trait you can encourage your teen with as a result of the situation?
  2. State the problem.  Be honest and keep the emotion out of it.
  3. Have a win/win solution to offer and be open to possible adjustments.
  4. Let your teen know that you love them and that you want to work out a good solution for both of you.

Dare you to offer your teens options when it comes to solving problems and be sure to let them know how precious they are to you.

“Let go…and let God,”

Am I a Good Listener?

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As 24 year old Annie stood at work bored and waiting for the close of her shift at the local mall to end, she thought the next hour couldn’t come soon enough. Snow was supposedly swirling outside with the anticipation of another few inches and all she could think about was curling up at her apartment in front of a movie and being off her feet. These long evenings with little chance of customers in the store left her drained. With no one to talk to, time seemed to stand still. She desperately needed something to keep her mind occupied on these slow nights. Too bad there was no Wi-Fi she could connect to so she could surf the net.

“Oh, I know Mom will be at home!” she thought. “I’ll just give her a call.”

Michelle was tired after a busy day. As was typical of their evenings, she and Mitch along with their 17 year old were settled in for one of their favorite shows. It was the way they unwound each evening. Something Michelle particularly looked forward to. Sitting in her favorite chair with a cup of cinnamon tea, Michelle was engrossed in the happenings on the screen. Breaking into the silence, the phone rang.

“Mom, do you have to answer it?” Cadie whined. “Why does someone always call when we’re in the middle of a show?”

“Cadie, it will only take a minute. Pause the show, I need to take this.”

“Hello.”

“Hi, Mom! What are you up to?” Annie asked

“Just watching TV with Dad and Cadie.”

“I just called. It is so boring here. No one is in the mall!”

“I’ll bet. It’s really starting to come down out there. Is there something really important that you need? If not, we’ve got about 10 minutes left in our show. Can I call you back then?”

“Sure. Just call me on my cell.”

As the TV program came to an end, Michelle picked up the phone to return Annie’s call.

“Hi, honey. Any more customers?”

“No. These evenings never seem to end. I hate it when I’m here ’til close by myself.”

And the conversation continued…

And continued…

And continued.

Michelle seemed to add little to the conversation. Just saying “un-huh” occasionally seemed to do the trick.

At 8:50, Annie finally looked at the clock. “Oh, it’s almost time to close. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”

As Cadie came down the stairs to get a snack before bed she asked, “Mom, why do you spend so much time with Annie on the phone?”

“Because she is lonely, Cadie. Sometimes it is tough to be her age with life being so drastically different than when she was in school. Friend’s work schedules don’t always line up with hers. If you are like Annie, you live all alone in your apartment. If you have a job like her, sometimes you get a shift all by yourself. On nights like tonight, no one darkens the door of the store because of the weather. This is when I want to be here for her. Yeah, I know it interrupted our TV show for a few minutes. But I made sure she knew that we were busy. I didn’t want to spoil my time with you if she didn’t have something urgent that needed taken care of. That’s why I agreed to call her back. You know, I want to be Annie’s friend now and sometimes friends are just there to listen.”

“Yeah, guess you’re right, Mom. At least I know when it’s my turn, you’ll be there for me.”

Colossians 3:12-14

 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Sometimes our 20-Somethings just need us to be there for them. Whether it is just listening when they need a friend or someone to help them with a problem, sometimes knowing that you will allow them to vocalize their frustrations in a safe place is all they need. When others in your home get interrupted by older siblings, be sure to acknowledge that their time with you is important too.

Dare you to just be there to listen to your 20-somethings, even when it isn’t necessarily convenient for you.

“Let go…and let God”,


 

Are You Still Treating Them Like Kids?

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“Mom, why can’t Dad see things my way?” Tim angrily retorted. “I get so frustrated with him sometimes. I feel like he’s always preaching the same sermon and it’s his way or the highway.”

“Why do you say that?” Mom attempted to help Tim verbalize his anguish hoping to lower his frustration.

“No matter what I do or say, he has an opinion. Everything I start to do is scrutinized by his good boy, bad boy ideology. I doubt that he even remembers what it was like to be 21.”

“You might be right,” she laughed. “I know you’re dealing with a lot right now. It must be hard to be at home for the summer with parents breathing down your neck.”

“You have no idea, Mom. I’ve been away at college living on my own and now Dad is back to treating me like I’m still a little kid.”

In an attempt to validate his feeling, Sheryl replied, “In some ways, Tim, you are right. Your dad sometimes does have a difficult time remembering that you’re an adult. I think he just wishes things could be like they used to be. It hasn’t been easy for any of us to have you living back at home this summer.  It puts you in a position of having to live under our house rules again and it changes the dynamic of what we have while you are at school.  But we’ve all agreed that it is the best thing so you can continue to work nearby.  Look at the bright side.  Next year you’ll have graduated and can be fully out on your own.”  She paused before speaking again, “You know he loves you, don’t you?”

“I know, Mom, but can’t he just keep his mouth shut sometimes and let me figure out life for myself?”

“Tim, your dad isn’t perfect and neither am I. We love you and we’re all in this together. So let’s try to figure out what the real issue is. Why don’t you come up with a list of situations where you feel he has frustrated you and let’s set up a time to talk about them with him? How does that sound?”

“I don’t know, Mom. He’s not usually one to listen to my side of things.”

“I know you can handle this on your own, but how about if I try to “grease the skids”, so to speak, before the conversation?”

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe I can appeal to some of his memories of being 21,” she laughed.

“If you think it will work, I guess I’ll try anything. Thanks, Mom.”

Sometimes as parents with college and sometimes adult kids living in our home it is easy to fall into several communication dangers. We can either “bash” the other parent when opportunity arises because we think our 20-somethings can handle “truth” now that they’re adults or we can communicate to our kids that they should move out if they don’t like their circumstances. At times, the most important thing we can do is validate everyone’s feelings and try to understand the true objective during this season of life–relationship.

Ephesians 4:29

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Dare you to really listen to your adult children’s frustrations and be a bridge to relationships.

Always striving to communicate better with our kids regardless of their age.

“Let go…and let God,”