How Does Your Family Communicate?

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It’s easy as parents to try to communicate with all our children the same.  And typically, we tend to communicate with our kids in the way we grew up.  Some families look at communication as a way to make sure their kids are tough, resilient, and able to withstand whatever life sends their way.

But should we put more thought into the way we communicate with our family?

Are we aware, truly aware, of the sensitivity of some of our kids?  What might be considered joking and fooling around to one of our kids might actually feel like bullying to another–a feeling of not measuring up.

I came from a family where put-downs were commonplace.  With five brothers, the game of one-upsmanship was a daily endeavor and as the only girl I learned to  play it well.  Then, I  married into a family where sarcasm was a sport.  Quick wit resulted in words spoken with a hint of sting.  During our dating years I didn’t know quite how to handle the ridicule, but it didn’t take long for me to learn how to dish it out with the best of them.  Words rolled off my tongue as slippery glass ready to take down the next opponent.  

I’ll admit that at times the sarcasm continued even after we had kids.  My husband and I had continued our families’ traditions mainly because that is what we’d learned as normal family behavior.  Neither of us were the sensitive type so we’d usually laugh, pretend that we were keeping score, and move on to the next opportunity for a take down.

But then we witnessed the same behavior in our kids.

Ouch! Talk about seeing yourself in the mirror!

Noticing the same behavior from our kids gave us a wake-up call.  Dave and I joked about how we were trying to get the genie back in the bottle.  It took work, lots of work, to teach our kids to treat each other with kindness and respect instead of sarcasm and contempt.  Some learned better than others.

We noticed that a couple of our kids were more sensitive than the others to the verbal sarcasm that was hurled.  Others relished in the game.  It became a juggling act of the right consistency of discipline for the abuser and empathy for the one with hurt feelings.

A few weeks ago it hit me as our pastor spoke on Sunday morning about relationships and the need to communicate appropriately to the receiver.  

Do we communicate as we’ve been taught to communicate growing up (as in one-upsmanship language or sarcasm and contempt), or do we communicate in a way the other person needs to hear?

Here’s another way to think about it.  Are we speaking to hear ourselves or are we communicating to be heard from the other person.

Hmm…something to ponder.

Our pastor used the analogy of talking with his two kids.  With his son he needs to be very direct–laying out the process, making sure he understands.  But his daughter is more sensitive.  Speaking to her in the same way he speaks to his son would crush her sensitive spirit.  She needs the language of respect.

Oh my, do we crush our kid’s sensitive spirit with what we see as humor?  Is our humor borderline bullying masked in sarcasm?  Are we crushing our children’s sensitive spirit and allowing siblings to do the same without much intervention because we don’t know what to do? 

Old habits are difficult to extinguish even though I’ve worked hard to wipe sarcasm from my lips.  When I’m back with my brothers, I can easily slip back into my old ways of communicating and have to ask God for forgiveness.  At times I see the old patterns slip in with my now adult children.  

Romans 7:15

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

Just last week I found myself saying something that rolled off my tongue before I gave it thought.  Really?  After almost 30 years of trying to rid myself of this habit it reared it’s ugly head.

1 Peter 2:1

Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind.

I repented and asked the person for forgiveness.  I even confessed my sin to my husband, Dave–after all, this is something that we’ve both worked hard on over the years.

And then my husband shared with me about what he calls his GEL project.

He’s become more aware of the ease with which our adult children have slipped into our old patterns now that we all live in the same city and are together more.  Yes, they’re adults, but we’re still trying to teach in a relationship-type way.  Here’s our new mantra.

  • “G” stands for grace.  Grace that we extend to the person who violates the ” no one-upsmanship or sarcasm” new family tradition.  We also remind that person that they need to extend grace to the person who they feel the need to put down.  All we have to do is say the word grace and the offender knows what we are talking about.
  • “E” stands for empathy.  Each of us needs to extend empathy to the other person for the mistakes they make, for not measuring up, or for things that sometimes happen to them.  We learn to understand the feelings the other person has and listen when they voice their frustration of the words spoken to them.  Empathy is especially needed in communicating with those who are more sensitive.
  • “L” stands for love.  We love each other as 1 Corinthians 13:4-7  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Dare you to look at the way your family communicates and take action on whatever needs to change.  Maybe you should institute a GEL project in your home.   Awareness of how we are to treat others will not only change the culture in our homes, but if we can teach our kids to take it out into the world, who knows what changes might happen.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Interested in leading a parenting Bible study that will have women sharing on a deep level from the beginning?  Want them to walk away with a WOW! experience?  With All Due Respect will do just that and we promise to make it easy to lead.  You don’t need to be a perfect parent; you don’t need to have perfect kids; and you don’t need to have ever led a group before.

Dare ya!

 

 

 

 

 

 

How Do I Get Through to My Teen’s Brain?

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Last week a friend sent me a funny picture.  It was a picture of an empty glass sitting on her kitchen counter.  Her comment on the photo read, “Asked my teen to get me a glass of lemonade.  Guess he got it half right.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle.  At least she was looking at the bright side.  After all, he did get the glass out.  🙂

The question I have to ask is, “How would you have handled that situation?”

  1.  Laughter and overlook it?
  2. Get upset for your teen not doing what he was asked and read him the riot act?
  3. Ground him for disobedience?
  4. Refuse to do what he asks you to do next time?

It reminded me of a “what do I do?” question that I got from another mom.  This mom was running late with errands and needed her teen to put pasta on for dinner.  

This mom called five minutes before she was to arrive home.  Her 16 year old daughter was still up in her room and hadn’t even made it downstairs by the time mom got home.

And so, how do we decide how to handle these situations when our teens fail to follow through?

One of the things I learned years ago is that it takes our brain time to switch gears.  Say you are in the middle of reading a good book and one of your kids says, “Mom, I need you to ______.”  Do you immediately jump and do whatever it is they need?

Probably not.

It takes our brain time to switch gears unless we are in a crisis situation.  Let’s face it, if our kid said that the grease in the skillet on the stove is on fire, we’d be in the kitchen in a heartbeat regardless of how exciting the novel.

The thing we need to know about our teen’s brain is that we need to “unhook” what they are currently working on in order for them to grasp the importance of what we need them to do in the moment.

Take the empty glass situation I mentioned earlier.  I’m not sure how she asked her son to get her lemonade; however, what if she had said something like, “Honey, I know that you are busy getting ready for soccer, but I need you to stop what you are doing a minute.  Would you please fix me a glass of lemonade because I’m really thirsty and my hands are full and I want to get you to soccer practice on time? Once you’ve gotten my lemonade, you can finish getting ready.” 

Notice the process. 

  1. Acknowledge that what they are doing is important.  (Validation.)
  2. Let them know you need them to stop what they are doing. (Unhooks their brain from their current focus.)
  3. Tell them what they need to do and why. (Gives them urgency.)
  4. Let them know that they can return to what they were doing once they’ve done what you asked. (This again validates the importance of what they are doing and let’s them know they can get back to it.)

When I spoke to the mom about the pasta, she was really frustrated.  The principles she could have applied would have been similar.

“Hi honey, I’m not sure what you are doing right now but I need you to stop whatever it is and do me a favor.  I’m running late with errands and need to get dinner on right away so we can go to the play tonight.  If you would go downstairs right now and put a pot of water on to boil that would help me a ton.  Could you do that for me?” 

Notice the mom ends with a question.  Remember mom isn’t home and has no idea what her daughter is doing.  This question allows the teen to push back and explain why it isn’t possible or why she might be delayed in carrying out the request.  It also gives her brain time to unhook from her current endeavor and acknowledge that she needs to change her focus.

Sometimes it’s the little things in our communication that make all the difference in the world in helping our teens follow through with our requests.  In today’s world our teens are constantly being bombarded with sounds and other technology gimmicks to get their attention.  Learning to communicate in ways that they can hear can unhook our teen’s focus and move them into action.

Proverbs 16:23

The heart of the wise makes his speech judicious and adds persuasiveness to his lips.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Want to learn more communication skills that will grow the relationships within your family?  Send me an email with your communication question and I’ll be sure to respond.  You can contact me at debbiehitchcock@gettingperspective.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

Belligerent or Self Protection?

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If you have tweens and teens, at one time or another you’ve probably seen that warlike seething that sometimes seems to explode even when asked to do what you think is a simple request.  Or maybe you see it in your spouse and don’t quite understand it.  How do you respond when you ask someone to do something because you need help or maybe just because it would be something good for them to learn to do, and you are met with a resounding “NO!”? Read more

When Your Kids Are Angry at You

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It didn’t take long for me to realize that my kid was still angry at me.  Sitting at the breakfast table there was no small-talk to be had.  Focused on the food in front of her, I sensed the “I’m not going to acknowledge you” communication.

It had all started innocently, but had become a landmine–a wedge between the two of us.  I had crossed a line in the trust department.  Yes, it was me.  My just-hit-the-adult-stage daughter had given me permission to go through her email to find something that she knew was there but didn’t have time to look for.  While I was perusing the subject lines something caught my attention.  A not-so-good subject line.

And without even thinking I opened and read it.

And my heart sank.

This was not what I had taught her.  There could be lots of hard lessons from this email.  Note could.  And fear overwhelmed me.

And then I had a decision to make.  Would I have the conversation or choose to be silent?

And those of you who know me know that I’m willing to walk into even those difficult conversations.  I’m willing to take a risk for what I think are all the right reasons.

So I approached her with what I thought was a “trying to get her to think” conversation, but she took it as accusatory.  And then I found myself back-peddling as I realized that her private world felt invaded–by me.  She trusted me enough to invite me into her private space and I blew it. 

As I look back now at the situation, there could have been so many different ways I could have handled it without going head-on into the situation.  If I could take it back I would have either consciously made the choice to not get into her private space (meaning choosing not to open the email) or I would have read it and prayed for discernment and an opportunity to have the conversation if God opened the door.

Yes, I made a mess of this one.

But how do we make the relationship repair? 

  1. Pray for discernment.  Pour out your heart to God and ask him make your heart sensitive to your child’s hurt.
  2. Attempt an apology.  Don’t justify the action.  Just apologize and state your wrong-doing.  Be sincere.
  3. Create safety.  Allow your teen to vent their frustration.  Don’t be surprised if you get a list of all the sins they think you’ve committed against them in the past.  Don’t react.  Just listen.
  4. Respect their timetable.  My daughter needed time to process her anger.  I just wanted to talk and move beyond it.  It was time to meet her in her space.  I needed to wait until she was ready to talk.
  5. Avoid the subject and still maintain relationship.  Be sure to interact with your teen as you typically do.  If they are willing to do something fun, by all means use anything you can to rebuild the relationship.
  6. Re-engage in the conversation.   Again, pray for discernment and attempt an apology once the emotion is past and some time has lapsed.  It might take several hours, several days, and sometimes it could take weeks.  Acknowledge and validate their feelings.  And be sure to promise not to do it again.

Philippians 1:9-10

And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ,

Being a parent is difficult.  And we all will make difficult decisions that sometimes lead to friction in the relationship.  Giving your teen and yourself grace, letting them have time to process their emotions, and working to rebuilt trust is an ongoing process that will often need to be repeated.  One of the best things God does is use our parenting mistakes and the resulting conflict to draw us closer to Him.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

The Power of the Word “You”

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Sitting in a workshop several weeks ago with a group of women I witnessed the power in the word “you”.  There were tears in women’s eyes as they heard words of affirmation spoken over them after they shared a story or A-Ha! 

“You were brave to step into that situation in the moment.”

“You showed such a gentle spirit with your sister.”

“You used such good judgment in a difficult situation.”

“You demonstrated what it means to be supportive and caring in what must have been an exhausting time.”

All of us felt as if we were receiving a hug knowing that others were noticing the good in who we are.

And I thought about the power and life that we could speak into our teens if we would choose to use it.   What if we would look for the good in our kids instead of using the word “you” in a condemning way. 

“You didn’t clean your room like I asked you too.”

“You didn’t …”

What if, instead, we chose to take those “didn’t dos” and turn the communication into a positive?

“You have been working hard on your homework.  Why don’t you take a break and run up and clean your room before dinner?”

“You are such an encourager with your little sister.  Maybe the two of you could go upstairs and put the laundry away together.”

If we as parents could just take a moment each day to affirm the good in our children, what might change in our homes?

Hmm…definitely something to think about.

But there is another aspect of the word “you”.  

I don’t know about your kids, but I’ve had my teens throw the word you at me in a screaming, blaming sort of way. 

“You embarrassed me in front of …”

“How dare you take away my …”

“How could you?”

And in the heat of the moment with fury in our teen’s eyes they dump their bucket of all the pain they think we have caused them.  With their emotion we can become overwhelmed and just want the onslaught to stop.  And as parents most of us make the same mistake.  It’s a mistake I’ve made on more than one occasion.

We look at our teen in disbelief that they can yield so much condemnation and say something in a stern voice like “Don’t you talk to me that way, young man.  Go to your room.”

And we get so caught up in the anger and how we were spoken to that we might be missing something valuable in our parenting.

One technique I’ve used in the middle of these situations is to pause in the moment.  “I can tell you are really upset and I want to hear you out.  I’m feeling upset myself right now and I don’t want our emotions to get in the way of our communication.  I’m going to take about 20 minutes to calm myself down and then we’ll talk.”

When frustration and the word “you” come rolling off our teen’s tongue, chances are there is pain in the middle of it.  

Yes, you heard me right.  Anger and the word “you” most likely means that someone is not listening to the pain that is inside of us. 

What I’ve been learning is that when someone accuses me of something, that is a cue that I need to allow the Holy Spirit to help me discern the truth from the other person’s perspective.  Here are some questions I ask myself during my 20 minute time out before talking with my teen:

  • Is there any truth to what my teen is accusing me of doing?
  • What pain might my teen be experiencing in the moment? 
  • What might my teen need from me to bring healing for the pain he is experiencing?  A confession?  An apology?  A change in my behavior?
  • What might God be trying to teach me in this situation?
  • What might God be trying to teach my teen?

Oh my, this can be a humbling conversation that I have with God.  As I pray and ask God to help me in the situation, many times I discover that there is some truth to what I’ve been accused of and God is using this situation to refine me.  Not a pleasant place to be but it allows me to engage with my teen on a whole different level.  It allows me to humbly admit where I was wrong.  Once I’ve done that, it allows us to talk about the situation in a non-confrontational manner.

And when I can’t see where I am wrong in what my teen is blaming me for, I can then ask questions for further understanding.  “Honey, thanks for giving me some space a moment ago.  I can tell you are really upset.  What happened today that made you so angry?”

And regardless of our teens response, regardless of the emotion, continue to ask God for discernment in the moment.  Ask your teen to identify his feelings and affirm him.  Share why you did what you did in terms of his maturity and why that is so important.  Let him know what it is that he needs to learn.  And then, if the timing is right, heap affirmation on him with you statements.  

“I know that my decision was really difficult for you.  You need to know that you are loved and your dad and I want  the best for you.  You feel passionately about justice and that’s a good thing.  I’m glad you shared with me what you were feeling.”

Proverbs 12:18

There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Ephesians 4:29

Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.

Dare you to take inventory of how the word “you” is used in your home.  Is it a sword or used for edification?

“Let go…and Let God”,

Are you thinking about Fall Bible Study yet?  Wish you could be in one but the time never seems quite right?

Or maybe you’d like to focus on your parenting?

Why not join a group of women in our With All Due Respect eCourse?  We meet on Facebook (it’s a closed group) at your convenience.  And we will go through the book together as we encourage each other, pray with each other, and support each other.  There is extra video teaching and an opportunity to ask questions.  We’ve even been known to take time time to chat on the phone with women in the class when parenting situations are really difficult and you could use someone to walk beside you.  

As a bonus this fall, if you sign up for the With All Due Respect eCourse, you can also be part of Greater Impact’s Strength & Dignity eCourse for free. There you will find resources for respecting yourself in your defensive relationships and for help in your marriage.

We hope you will join us or do the study with a group of moms in the comfort of your home.  Whether your kids are 9 or 29, you’ll be amazed at what God will do in your home as you go through the book.

 

 

 

 

Helping Our Kids Gain Perspective

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Talking with a mom the other day, I smiled realizing that she needed a dose of perspective.  It was hard for her to understand the difficulty another mother was having in raising her kids.  “If only she would __________, her son wouldn’t act that way.  It’s her own fault.  As expected, this mom espoused the virtues of how her child was better equipped because she was parenting the right way.

It’s easy to think we can parent another kid better when we have tunnel vision based on only our experience with our kid.  All kids are different, just like all of our husbands are different, and our moms are different, and we are different.  Put our different ideas, thoughts, and reactions together, and only God knows how our kids will turn out when they leave the nest.

Yes, we do the best we can and have to trust God with the outcome.  Are there things we could have done differently?  Of course.  Will we regret some of our reactions?  Probably.  But do we trust that God will work all our parenting issues out for His glory?  I hope the answer is yes–even when it turns out differently than we want.

But the question for this blog post has to do with our kids’ perspective.  How do we teach our kids to not have that same tunnel vision?  How do we teach them to think of the other person’s situation with grace and empathy?  How do we teach them to be humble when others are struggling?

At the risk of sounding too simplistic, the answer comes from helping our kids see their situations from the other person’s point of view.

Let me explain through an example.

Erin comes home from school upset at how a friend Sara treated her unfairly.  You listen patiently as your daughter goes on and on about the injustice of what happened.  Once she has finally exhausted her words and her anger is starting to dissipate and you’ve shown her the empathy she needs, you might begin asking questions to get past the emotion of her judgment.

  1. I know you are really hurting.  I’m sure I’d feel the same way if I were in your shoes.  You have every right to be upset.  Would it be okay if we talk about Sara for a few minutes?
  2. What do you think might have triggered her reaction?
  3. What do you know about Sara–her personality, her home life, her friends?
  4. Do you know if there was anything that might have set her off — maybe she started her period, or had a fight with her mom or a boyfriend?
  5. Could you have accidentally done something that made her target you with her outburst?
  6. Does she have a reason to maybe be jealous of you?
  7. How have you responded to her so far?
  8. What could you do to show her grace and show her the Jesus in you?

Ephesians 4:2-4

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.  Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.  For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future.

Having these deep conversations with our kids can help them think outside their own box.  Perhaps by talking about the other person involved, they will begin to put themselves in the other person’s shoes and see something outside of their own idea of justice.  Hopefully, Erin will see that Sara needs some grace in the situation and if she were in Sara’s shoes, the world may look differently.

Just like the mom in the first story, maybe God gave her some great mothering instincts as a result of the parenting she received.  Or she is good at gleaning information from parenting books.  Maybe the other mother has a strong-willed child or one that keeps her up at night.  Perhaps she grew up without a nurturing mother and is having to learn the ropes of parenting without a healthy role model. 

It is easy to make snap judgments about another person until we know the whole story.  And teaching our kids to look beyond the surface of relationships and situations can help them gain perspective in how to extend grace rather than remain in their own world of injustice. 

Dare you to have some deep conversations with your teens when they are in situations where they want to judge the other person.  Maybe they’ll see that there is always more than one perspective.

“Let go..and Let God”,

 

Would you like a different perspective in your own parenting?  With All Due Respect is about deepening your relationship with God and your kids.  In it you’ll find real life stories about moms who have chosen to look at parenting from a different perspective.  You’ll also find questions to think through your own parenting situations. Most moms have told us that the book has stretched them in looking at parenting with the focus of a healthy launch.  Why no grab a few friends and read through the book together?  Or maybe treat you and a friend to a copy for Mother’s Day.