How Do I Get Through to My Teen’s Brain?

/0 Comments/in , , /by

Last week a friend sent me a funny picture.  It was a picture of an empty glass sitting on her kitchen counter.  Her comment on the photo read, “Asked my teen to get me a glass of lemonade.  Guess he got it half right.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle.  At least she was looking at the bright side.  After all, he did get the glass out.  🙂

The question I have to ask is, “How would you have handled that situation?”

  1.  Laughter and overlook it?
  2. Get upset for your teen not doing what he was asked and read him the riot act?
  3. Ground him for disobedience?
  4. Refuse to do what he asks you to do next time?

It reminded me of a “what do I do?” question that I got from another mom.  This mom was running late with errands and needed her teen to put pasta on for dinner.  

This mom called five minutes before she was to arrive home.  Her 16 year old daughter was still up in her room and hadn’t even made it downstairs by the time mom got home.

And so, how do we decide how to handle these situations when our teens fail to follow through?

One of the things I learned years ago is that it takes our brain time to switch gears.  Say you are in the middle of reading a good book and one of your kids says, “Mom, I need you to ______.”  Do you immediately jump and do whatever it is they need?

Probably not.

It takes our brain time to switch gears unless we are in a crisis situation.  Let’s face it, if our kid said that the grease in the skillet on the stove is on fire, we’d be in the kitchen in a heartbeat regardless of how exciting the novel.

The thing we need to know about our teen’s brain is that we need to “unhook” what they are currently working on in order for them to grasp the importance of what we need them to do in the moment.

Take the empty glass situation I mentioned earlier.  I’m not sure how she asked her son to get her lemonade; however, what if she had said something like, “Honey, I know that you are busy getting ready for soccer, but I need you to stop what you are doing a minute.  Would you please fix me a glass of lemonade because I’m really thirsty and my hands are full and I want to get you to soccer practice on time? Once you’ve gotten my lemonade, you can finish getting ready.” 

Notice the process. 

  1. Acknowledge that what they are doing is important.  (Validation.)
  2. Let them know you need them to stop what they are doing. (Unhooks their brain from their current focus.)
  3. Tell them what they need to do and why. (Gives them urgency.)
  4. Let them know that they can return to what they were doing once they’ve done what you asked. (This again validates the importance of what they are doing and let’s them know they can get back to it.)

When I spoke to the mom about the pasta, she was really frustrated.  The principles she could have applied would have been similar.

“Hi honey, I’m not sure what you are doing right now but I need you to stop whatever it is and do me a favor.  I’m running late with errands and need to get dinner on right away so we can go to the play tonight.  If you would go downstairs right now and put a pot of water on to boil that would help me a ton.  Could you do that for me?” 

Notice the mom ends with a question.  Remember mom isn’t home and has no idea what her daughter is doing.  This question allows the teen to push back and explain why it isn’t possible or why she might be delayed in carrying out the request.  It also gives her brain time to unhook from her current endeavor and acknowledge that she needs to change her focus.

Sometimes it’s the little things in our communication that make all the difference in the world in helping our teens follow through with our requests.  In today’s world our teens are constantly being bombarded with sounds and other technology gimmicks to get their attention.  Learning to communicate in ways that they can hear can unhook our teen’s focus and move them into action.

Proverbs 16:23

The heart of the wise makes his speech judicious and adds persuasiveness to his lips.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Want to learn more communication skills that will grow the relationships within your family?  Send me an email with your communication question and I’ll be sure to respond.  You can contact me at debbiehitchcock@gettingperspective.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will Your Teen’s Christmas be Filled with “FOMO”?

/0 Comments/in , , , , /by

Walking through the mall yesterday I was marveling at the beautiful teen voice that penetrated the massive hallways.  Barely able to walk through the throng of people to see who this incredible girl must be, the music stopped and the next set of performers were beginning their dance moves to a different holiday carol.  The magic of Christmas filled my mind with memories of my own kids participating in holiday performances several years ago.

The parents were no different today than they were when my kids were in middle and high school. Cameras were held high capturing the events.

And I paused wondering how many of those pictures and videos would end up on social media platforms.

It’s natural to want to share to the world our children’s success.  Facebook and Instagram make it easy to share pictures with Grandma who is hundreds of miles away.  It’s a way to help her feel connected to her loved ones.

Yet, as we go into the Christmas season,  I hope you’ll stay with me for a moment as I share some results from recent studies reported by CNN, KQED, and The Guardian that have come from countries such as UK, Denmark, and Germany.  

  • We dare to compare and so do our kids.  All the success we see on the social media platforms says “we aren’t measuring up” or “our kid isn’t measuring up” which can instill envy-inducing incidents.  Teens who are on social media on a regular basis are three times as likely to get depressed around the holiday season because they are comparing themselves to others and envy becomes a constant struggle.
  • Our kids feel a sense of “FOMO” — the fear of missing out.  In addition to a feeling of missing out,  Instagram in particular was shown to have a negative affect on sleep patterns and body image as well.  Snapchat, too, seems to rank a close second to Instagram in negative impact on the mental health of our teens.
  • People who took a break from social media for a week felt less sad and lonely. 

Let’s face it.  When our kids were younger they could be content because they didn’t know what they were missing out on.  Now that they can see what everyone else is doing with the touch of a screen, they are developing an over-desire to be like their friends and have what their friends seem to have.  Teens can turn a simple picture they receive into an idea of something that they can’t live without.  And because our teens have been sheltered from disappointment they aren’t just disappointed when they see their friends together smiling and having a good time, they tend to be devastated.

And here’s where the sad news becomes a problem for us as parents.  When teens have an infatuation for something they think they need, they fixate on it to the point that they are willing to become someone different to achieve it.  In other words “Instead of enjoying what they have, they obsess over what they think they might be losing out on and seek to get it no matter what the cost.”

So here are some things to consider as you are going into the holiday season:

  1. Be proactive and talk about the problems with social media.  Let them know that social media fills a void.  What void is your teen trying to fill?  As a parent, try to understand what that is for each of your children.
  2. Let your kids know they can talk to you when they are going through “FOMO”.  During those times take time to listen and commiserate with them. 
  3. Take a family break from social media.  Yes, Mom and Dad as well.  Even if it is just around the table playing board games, take time where you are all fully engaged.

We live in a digital world and taking the stance that our kids can’t have access to it could become devastating to their social interaction; however, as parents, we can put limitations on it in a way that says that social media has its place in moderation.  In fact, one study pointed out that YouTube is one of the few platforms that seems to have a positive affect on our teen’s mental health.  

Ecclesiastes 4:4

And I saw that all toil and all achievement spring from one person’s envy of another. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

John 10:14; 27

I am the good shepherd:  I know my sheep and my sheep know me…My sheep listen to my voice; I know them and they follow me.

Dare you to pray and listen to His voice as you decide how to handle social media with your tweens and teens during the Christmas season.  Be sure to have discussions about the pitfalls of envy and the fear of missing out.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Want to learn how to keep conflict to a minimum with your teens and tweens?  Tired of the mouthiness and fear of what the future may hold for your child?

Register now and join other women who want to learn how to Deflate Defensiveness in their relationships!  We’re professional trainers who want to help women improve their relationships and we’ll give you the skills to do it.  Join us in the suburbs of Cincinnati, Ohio in June.  And be sure to register before December 31 to get the greatest savings.

 

 

 

 

How Should I Handle Social Media With My Tweens?

/0 Comments/in , , , , /by

A few weeks ago I got a text from a dear friend.  Her husband had posted a survey question on Facebook.

Survey:  who has preteens on Facebook?  I’m not quick to give my son access, but I am curious as to others’ experiences.

The minute it was posted, responses began coming in from parents who were at the same stage of life.  All with differing opinions and letting him know how they were choosing to handle the preteen Facebook dilemma.

Let’s face it, we’ve seen the social media quagmire of false pretenses, stalking, language, and advertisements not to mention the endless selfies spouting where someone has been and who they’re connected to.  Even as adults many are seeing how they easily get sucked into the time sink that often leads to what we lovingly call “chasing squirrels”.

Yes, as parents we have the right to say no or delay the inevitable as long as possible.  

But should we?

We worry about our kids being old enough – or mature enough to handle it.  But I’m not sure any of us are truly mature enough for it until we’ve experienced the downfall of it for ourselves.

Here’s a better question.  Are you willing to be a mentor to your kids in this area of their lives?

Kids need parents who are willing to teach them the pits they might fall into and how to steer clear.  They need someone who will walk beside them as they learn to navigate the unknown world they live in.  

If your preteen is asking about Facebook or Instagram or any other social media, it means their friends are most likely on there.  Like it or not it is how this generation socializes.  So why not walk beside them in the process?

And yes, that means we need to learn how to use it if we don’t already.

Most parents decide that their kid is old enough or mature enough at a certain age and hope for the best–turning them loose to sink or swim.  By then it is too late.  Chances are these kids will already know more about social media than their parents and may not be willing to allow their parents walk beside them. 

If we teach our kids to use social media when they are still at an age when they are open to their parent’s suggestions, they’ll be better prepared to handle potential consequences.

So how can you set it up to be a good experience?

Step 1 – Ask questions as to why they want social media access.  Let them know you are considering it.

Step 2 – Say “yes” if you can devote some time to it.  But be ready with the boundaries:  time bound it (use a timer), put stipulations around when,  and make sure you are available to at least sit in the same room during access time.  Maybe even right beside them for their initial few times.

Step 3 – Share concerns about their maturity and also some of the situations they may be faced with.  Let them know that you will be reviewing their history and postings and make sure that you have access to passwords.

Step 4 – Let them know that if you become concerned about what they are saying on social media that you might be compelled to take it away for a period of time. i.e. if they behave maturely they have nothing to worry about. 

Step 5 – Make sure your kids know they can come to you if they run across things that upset or concern them and you’ll help walk them through it.

Step 6 – Don’t forget to monitor.

Step 7 – When they do or say something inappropriate – use it as an opportunity to teach.  

I’ll admit, I’ve had my own pit experience on Facebook where I had to learn humility. I was upset with a sales rep who had made a mistake on my order.  I didn’t catch the mistake until almost a month later.  When she refused to swap it out for my original purchase, I was visibly frustrated.  And wouldn’t you know it, she posted cruise pictures on-line thanking everyone for helping her make her sales goals.  In one of those anger-filled moments of seeing her smiling in front of the cruise ship, I responded to the post with an unkind word.

I tried to delete it, but it had already been posted to the world.  And she saw it.

And instantly I realized that I couldn’t take back what I had written and that I had said something in writing that I would not have said to her face — a rash decision in anger.

And I learned the power of my words – spoken or written.

And I ate humble pie and apologized.

And it was a pivotal humbling experience for me.

And that’s how our kids will grow in maturity–by making mistakes.

If we give them opportunity to make mistakes under our watch, we have opportunity to influence their values in the world they live in.

Dare you to not say no to your kids requests out of fear but to boldly walk through new things with them respecting the fact that they are growing up in today’s culture whether we like it or not.

“Let go…and let God”,