Who Gets the Blame in Your House?

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Let’s face it, as moms we know our kids.  We know what they are capable of and what they might do and most likely what they won’t do.  Hopefully we understand their hearts and what motivates them.

And we definitely know which of our kids is most likely to cause trouble in the family.  

I can’t tell you how many times as a mom I’ve had my kids come and tattle on the other.  And I’ll admit that at times I did the wrong thing–I passed judgment on who was telling the truth.  Think wearing a black and white striped referee shirt calling the shots of who is in the wrong–even without seeing the play.

Why?  Because we know our kids.  We know what they are capable of and what they might do.

Lord, forgive us as parents because we know not what we do.

Too many times as parents we choose to discipline without knowing all the facts.  We don’t recognize that if there is conflict then most likely both of our kids are to blame in some manner.  After all, you can’t have conflict without two people.

And if we have several kids, we typically create one of them to be the scapegoat.  Think about it.  A scapegoat is a person who is blamed for the wrongdoings, mistakes, or faults of others.  And it is usually done for for reasons of expediency.

How many times have we issued judgment on one of our kids in a conflict situation between siblings because we want it to be over and done? We don’t want to sort through the “he said, she did”, and whatever else we hear as they try to talk over each other.  So we issue an edict and refuse to talk about it any more.  Most likely our judgment is issued on the kid who we think we know started it in the first place–our family scapegoat.

What if we began handling these scenarios differently?  What if we took the time to teach our kids to solve their own differences?  And what if instead of judgment we taught them empathy and validation skills that they could use with each other?  These are skills that communicate love as well as respect.

Now I know that some of you think I’ve gone off the deep end by now.  You don’t even think this is possible.  But stay with me.  I know this is a long post, but it is so needed in most of our families.

What is our goal as parents?  Isn’t it to help teach our kids self-respect while they are under our roof rather than choosing sides where there is a winner and a loser in our family?  After all, if we fall into that trap we are creating extreme thinking in each of our kids.  The one in the “right” can develop an “I’m all that” way of thinking while the scapegoat develops the mentality of “I’m a loser and won’t ever measure up so why should I try”.

So what are some steps you can take if you are in the referee parent zone?

  1. When one of the kids starts screaming, or tattling, or blaming, pull them into a room together.  In other words, help them address their own problems with each other, not with you.
  2. Your role is coach not referee.  If there is a lot of emotional blaming, stop the conversation and take a time out.  Send them separate directions to calm down.
  3. Resume the conversation. Have them state the facts from their perspective.  No judgment.  Just facts.
  4. Coach them to communicate their why.  Teens need help understanding their feelings and their actions as a result of those feelings.  Sometimes they will discover that the “why they did what they did” has nothing to do with the present circumstance but something that they felt in the past.
  5. Teach your kids to show empathy and validate the other person’s feelings.
  6. Encourage them to apologize to each other for their part.
  7. Help them decide what they need from each other in the future to keep this from happening again. 

Here’s an abbreviated example of what it might look like.  Know that typically this conversation will most likely take time–sometimes lots of time.  Hopefully, this will get you started thinking about other ways to handle conflict in your home.

Aubrey:  “I pushed you and took your car keys because you think you are some hot shot at school.” 

Jeremy: “You made me out to be a fool in front of all the kids at school.  Mom, she made me sit there in the parking lot until I had to finally chase her down to get my keys.”

Mom:  “I can see that both of you are upset about this.  I’m going to ask each of you to go find something to do to calm yourselves down.  We’ll talk about it again after dinner.  Be thinking about what part you need to own and why you did what you did.”

After dinner…

Mom:  “I know in the past I’ve usually decided who was at fault when the two of you disagree.  Both of you are getting to the age where you need to start resolving your own problems.  I’m going to try to coach you through the process.  Know that I might stop you and try to teach you a better way to say something.  It might be awkward, but pretend you are at basketball practice and your coach is teaching you a new drill.  Jeremy, why don’t you go first and tell Aubrey just the facts as you saw them today.  Address her directly, not me.”

Jeremy:  “Aubrey, I can’t believe you took my keys today.  You made me feel like an idiot in front of my friends having to chase you down to get them so we could come home.”

Aubrey:  “You act like you are some hot shot at school.  You talk to all your friends as we are getting in the car and it is like I’m some tag along.  I’m invisible to you.  I was trying to get your attention today to tell you something and you told me to shut up.  That really upset me.” 

Jeremy:  “But you…”

Mom:  “Let’s stop right there.  The two of you are getting emotional again.  Take a deep breath.  Let me summarize the facts I heard based on what you both just said.  Both of you were coming out of school and Aubrey was trying to tell you something.  She felt like you weren’t listening so she grabbed your keys and ran off with them.  Jeremy, you chased her down to get them and felt embarrassed because of what Aubrey forced you to do to get the keys back.”

Once there is consensus on the facts,  talk about the why.

Mom:  “Now let’s talk about the why.  Aubrey why don’t you go first”.

Aubrey:  “Jeremy never listens to me.  I took his keys because I wanted to remind him that we needed to stop at the store to pick stuff up for my science project on the way home and he wasn’t listening.  I needed to get his attention somehow.”

Mom:  “Jeremy, Aubrey just told you why she did what she did and how she feels invisible to you.  Rather than tell your side of the story, I’d like you to use words to show her that you care about how she was feeling.”

After Jeremy shows empathy and validates Aubrey, then Mom would coach Aubrey to do the same after Jeremy states his why.  Then they need to apologize to each other.

Once they’ve worked through it, coach them in ways to help keep the problem from happening in the future.  Be thinking, ‘what does Aubrey want in the relationship’ and ‘what does Jeremy want’?  

In this scenario, they both wanted the same thing–respect.

It isn’t until we teach our kids to “put themselves in the other’s shoes” that we can help them develop deep relationships with others. 

Luke 6:37-38; 40

 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”   The student is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like their teacher.”
How often do we judge or condemn our kids without knowing the whole truth?  Teach your kids the skills to resolve their own differences.  After all, don’t we want our teens to mature into adults who act like adults?
Dare you to look at your own style of resolving conflict in your home.  Maybe your scapegoat’s behavior is based on how he sees himself.  Get the skills you need to be the best parent you can be.
“Let go…and Let God”,

I hope you are enjoying some of the content of these blogs.  Know that I want to walk beside you in your parenting and help you think outside the box of the way most of us were parented.  We are raising a new generation of kids who need connection.  With technology, cell phones, and relationships condensed to text, our kids will miss out on the skills of deep relationships unless we teach them the importance of respecting themselves and others.  I don’t know about you, but I’m seeing real authentic relationships becoming a thing of the past.

Will you be part of the Generation Changing movement?  We’d love to have you grab the book With All Due Respect  and go through it with your friends.  It will change the way you look at your role as a parent.  And we promise to make it easy to lead.  You don’t need to be a perfect parent; you don’t need to have perfect kids; and you don’t need to have ever led a group before.

A Small Group Leader’s Guide is also available with questions for group discussion.

It will change your relationships with God, with your spouse, and with your kids.

Dare ya!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Owning What Is Ours To Own

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Sitting in a counselor’s office as an early 30-something, I remember the psychologist introducing me to the conflict triangle.  It appeared that I had been part of one since childhood without even understanding how I was participating.  What I discovered was that when the two people in my life were in conflict, I was the emotional support for both of them creating the third part of the triangle.  The two of them would come to me individually and share their woes about the other person.

And I’d fix the problem.

I’d empathize with each of their feelings.

And because I knew both sides of the issue, I’d say the words that needed to be said to each of them separately.

Magic!  They’d make up and life would go on.

The truth was that neither of these people knew how to resolve conflict in a healthy way.

As parents, it is easy to create a conflict triangle without even realizing it.  After all, don’t we want to fix our kid’s problems when they bring them to us?  And, as all of us know, sometimes it is easier and quicker to just fix the conflict issue rather than trying to teach and coach our kids how to manage conflict on their own.

Dare 11 in With All Due Respect is all about owning what is ours to own and teaching our kids to own what is theirs.

But how many times do we step in the middle even though our kids have reached the tween, teen, and sometimes 20-something years? We fix it because that’s the way we’ve always handled these situations.

We forget that our role as parents is to teach our kids to start thinking like adults.  We need to model healthy relationships, healthy conflict, and healthy boundaries.  We need to coach them through the process so they become good at handling their relationships.

Let me share a few examples.  Remember, these are tweens, teens, and 20-somethings relationships.

Example 1:  Say you get a call from a neighbor who is upset about the job your son did mowing her lawn.  She calls you to complain.  You can:

  1. Thank her and go fix the problem.
  2. Thank her and tell her you’ll make sure your son takes care of it.  Then tell your son what she said and make him go fix it.  Then follow up with the neighbor to make sure he did it right.
  3. Thank her and tell her that you are trying to teach your son to take responsibility for his work.  Let her know that you are trying to respect your son and will ask him to come see her.  Let her know that she’ll need to communicate with him exactly what she needs.

Example 2:  Your daughter is upset at something her friend, Misty, is doing that she doesn’t think is a good idea.  You know Misty and her mother.  You can:

  1. Call Misty’s mother and raise her awareness of the situation.
  2. Tell Misty that you know what is going on and try to counsel her the next time she comes over.
  3. Coach your daughter through ways she can help Misty and let her know you are willing to get involved if she thinks you would be helpful in the situation.

Example 3:  Your teens are always arguing over the bathroom before school in the morning.  You can:

  1. Take the door off its hinges.
  2. Listen to both sides of their argument and make a family rule and enforce it.
  3. Coach your teens through coming up with their own system to resolve the conflict and let them own their problem.

Example 4:  Your husband left a note for your son to complete a chore after school.  Your teen has come to you complaining and you recognize that it is too much for your teen to handle given his school work and sports practice.  You can:

  1. Do the chore for him.
  2. Call your husband and get your teen off the hook.
  3. Suggest that the teen call his dad and negotiate a reasonable completion time and explain what is already on his schedule.  Let your son know that if the conversation doesn’t go well, you are willing to get involved if necessary.

It doesn’t surprise me that most parents will typically solve the problem with either option 1 or 2.  It’s easier.  It’s quicker.  And the problem goes away.  Finished.

But what did our teen learn?  Mom will fix it.

Now we find ourselves in the middle of an unhealthy conflict triangle continuing to be put in a position of fixing their problems.

Matthew 18:15

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” 

Dare you to consider how you can unhook unhealthy conflict triangles and coach your teens through handling their own conflicts.  If you do, they’ll become more mature in learning to own what is theirs to own.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Want more ways to think about how you parent and build relationship with your tweens and teens?

Why not grab the book With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens and Tweens  and go through it.  Maybe even ask your  friends to join you.  It will change the way you look at your role as a parent and how you help your teens mature.

And we promise to make it easy to lead.  You don’t need to be a perfect parent; you don’t need to have perfect kids; and you don’t need to have ever led a group before.  A Small Group Leader’s Guide is available with questions for group discussion.

If you want to interact with me, we’re offering the With All Due Respect eCourse for a limited time for free!  Be sure to grab your book now.

It will change your relationships with God, with your spouse, and with your kids.

Dare ya!

 

Does Your Kid Make You Feel Like You Can Do Nothing Right?

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Last week I felt like everything I did for one of my kids was met with sarcasm, frustration, or anger.  The typical jokes we had between us, the acts of kindness I did, and every time I seemed to open my mouth it was met with a snarl of “you never…” or “you always…”.  I couldn’t win.

Having had four kids under my roof, I’ve learned to try different things to get to the root of the issue.  This time was no different.

I fixed a special breakfast one morning.  No change.

A special treat from the grocery store.  No change.

I tried talking about it.  More anger.

Going for a walk with him.  Good conversation about the weather and general topics — but no change.

And then I decided to wait.  

I didn’t totally avoid him (after all we were living in the same house), but I did my thing and he did his.  I didn’t go out of my way to seek resolution.  (After all, I had already tried that and it hadn’t worked).  So I waited.

If he needed something, he had to come to me.

And I continued to wait.  (Difficult for me as a mom who wants to solve the problem now.)

One evening as the two of us were together standing in the kitchen with no one else home, the words came tumbling out of his mouth.  He shared his fears and his assumptions about how I was handling a situation.

I listened–I mean really listened.  

The words kept coming as if pent up emotion had been there for years — and in all reality it had.  A feeling he had almost a decade before had been triggered by a choice I had made two weeks earlier.  My son had tied that feeling of 10 years ago to a situation I was facing today.  As a result he was making assumptions.  Assumptions that I was responding the same way I had all those years ago.

And he was angry, frustrated, and filled with fear.

A-ha!  Now I knew what was troubling him.  

Rather than tell my side of the story, which is where my true now I can fix-it nature likes to go.  Thankfully I paused long enough to know what I should really do in moments like this.

I empathized.  I apologized for what he experienced earlier.  I made sure that he felt heard and affirmed.

Then I asked a critical question.  “I know you were hurt years ago, and I know that the decision I made this time feels the same way to you, and I’m sorry.  Would it be okay if I share why I think this time is different from last time?”

Notice that I asked permission to talk.

What I’ve learned is that when there is a disconnect between two people, asking their permission to tell them how you see the situation differently creates two things — an acknowledgement that you heard them and an understanding that you want to create a “safe” place for them.

If my son had said no to my question, I would have honored that and ended the conversation with something like “I know that this has been difficult for you and I respect that.  I do feel like the situation today is very different from what you experienced in the past.  When you are ready to talk about it let me know and I’ll share how I see things now.”

Thankfully my son agreed to let me share what I was thinking about the current circumstances.  Once he was able to hear my heart, the climate changed between us.  The sarcasm, the frustration, and the anger seem to be gone.  Mutual respect has re-entered our relationship because we now understand each other’s reasons for our choices and behavior.

Without the empathy and respect piece, we don’t create safety for the other person in the relationship.  This derails our conversations and keeps us from getting to the root cause.  Instead we typically try to justify or at least explain our side of the story which makes things unsafe for the other person.

I’ll admit that typically I’m terrible about making sure I validate the other person.  I just want to fix the problem and move on.  However, we need to remember that conflict resolved well (with empathy, validation, and safety), creates a more intimate relationship.  

I’ve given my son permission to give me a cue when I head down the path of justifying my actions before I’ve made sure he has been heard.  It’s humbling to see how many times I get it wrong.  That said, I want to grow in my relationships with others–especially with my kids.

Proverbs 19:11

A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.

Dare you to  look at how you respond when your kid seems frustrated or angry at you.  Empathize, validate, and create safety to mend and create a more fulfilling relationship.

“Let go…and let God”,

 

 

Emotionally Supporting Our Kids

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I remember it well.  The phone call, I mean.  Mrs. Hitchcock, this is Sargent (whatever his name) from the police department.  I’ll admit, I’m not sure at that moment if I caught all the details.  All I remember was the pause after I hung up with him.

My husband was standing nearby and must have seen the look of shock on my face.  “What is it?” he asked.

I couldn’t speak.

“What’s wrong?” he asked again.  “Talk to me.”

And that’s when I knew that I had moved forward in my ability to contain my emotion.  I looked at him calmly even though my heart was pounding out of control inside my chest, held up my hand to let him know I needed a second to think, and took a deep breath.  “Everything will be alright.  God’s got this.“ I whispered to myself.

With that I collected my thoughts and explained what I remembered from the phone conversation.  As my husband began to process, I could sense his heightened emotions and mind reeling out of control.  “Honey, it’s going to be okay.  I’m not exactly sure what’s going on here, but we need to remember that God is in the middle of it.  He’ll help us work through it.  We just need to be strong for our kid.” I calmly cautioned.

The truth is our kids will make mistakes.  We might not get a call from the police, but what about the school?  Or another parent or coach?  A boss?  A youth leader?

And how will you respond?

Will you have taken the time to get your own emotions under control before engaging with your teen? 

Or will you launch a dynamite explosion screaming at them for being so stupid? 

Or maybe you will become so agitated and frustrated at the situation that you’ll disconnect from them as if it is all their problem to fix because you don’t want to deal with it?

What our kid really needs in moments like these are calm and emotionally supportive parents.  They need to see an adult (with adult like behaviors) who is there to walk beside them regardless of the mess they have gotten into.  This is an opportune time to be their “solid rock” who will walk with them as they navigate the jams they find themselves in.

One of the things I’ve learned to do in my parenting is to discern the situation and try to see both sides.  Too often when my kids were younger, I would typically take the adult’s view of the situation as truth over my child’s perspective.  After all, we think that an adult perspective is the mature view.  Right?

Oh, how many times I have discovered that not to be the case.

Let me explain.

I remember a situation that involved one of my sons and another adult.  On the surface, I understood why the adult thought my son was guilty; however, I knew he didn’t have all the facts.  On my first encounter, I supported this man rather than my son.  After all, this man was an authority figure in my son’s life and had strong christian moral values.

What I didn’t realize at the time (but it became obvious on the second encounter) was that this man had a flawed perspective with students.  His moral compass said “guilty until proven innocent”.  Rather than talking with the student, understanding the student’s thought processes that led to the action, and deciding the consequences based on the student’s heart, he issued punitive edicts that affected my son’s ability to learn in the classroom.  He took learning opportunities away instead of being supportive.  There was no doubt in my mind this adult in my son’s life had put him in a box and labeled him “problem child”.  Rather than walk beside him, this man became my son’s judge and jury communicating that he (not his behaviors) was unacceptable.

So how can you walk beside your teen in these type situations?

  1. Assume a neutral position until all the facts are in.  Don’t necessarily assume your child is guilty.  Even if all the facts say they are guilty, be the person in their life that shows compassion and treats “mistakes” as “learning opportunities”.
  2. Ask open ended questions and then listen.  When our kids are accused of something by an adult, a simple question like, “So what happened?”, without a tone of accusation, may be all you need to hear your teen’s heart and thought process.  We all see things through a different lens and while our teens don’t typically have a full grasp of everything involved, neither do most adults.
  3. Discern the situation.  Many times as parents we react based on our emotions.  When our teen is accused of something, it impacts us in some way.  Take those feelings and the circumstances and pray about it asking God for discernment.  Ask him to show you perspective from both sides.
  4. Teach.  Take the opportunity to ask your teen to think through the situation from the adult’s point of view.  What was right in the way the adult saw the situation?  What information does the adult not have?  What could your child have done differently to avoid the situation?  Share your perspective of their wrongdoing.  And be sure to normalize the situation offering understanding as to why your teen did what they did.
  5. Encourage apology and reconciliation.  Regardless of the circumstance, teaching our teens to restore the relationship is important.  It doesn’t mean that the other person is right.  It just means that the relationship is broken.  Teaching our children that their actions do affect other people helps them realize that they don’t live in a vacuum.
  6. Love your teen regardless of the situation.  When our teens hurt us with their actions and impact other relationships that are important to us and them, our teens need to know that we always choose them.

Romans 8:1

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,

1 Thessalonians 5:11 

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.

Emotionally supporting our kids when their world is falling apart will give them the hope to trust God in all things.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Helping Our Kids Gain Perspective

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Talking with a mom the other day, I smiled realizing that she needed a dose of perspective.  It was hard for her to understand the difficulty another mother was having in raising her kids.  “If only she would __________, her son wouldn’t act that way.  It’s her own fault.  As expected, this mom espoused the virtues of how her child was better equipped because she was parenting the right way.

It’s easy to think we can parent another kid better when we have tunnel vision based on only our experience with our kid.  All kids are different, just like all of our husbands are different, and our moms are different, and we are different.  Put our different ideas, thoughts, and reactions together, and only God knows how our kids will turn out when they leave the nest.

Yes, we do the best we can and have to trust God with the outcome.  Are there things we could have done differently?  Of course.  Will we regret some of our reactions?  Probably.  But do we trust that God will work all our parenting issues out for His glory?  I hope the answer is yes–even when it turns out differently than we want.

But the question for this blog post has to do with our kids’ perspective.  How do we teach our kids to not have that same tunnel vision?  How do we teach them to think of the other person’s situation with grace and empathy?  How do we teach them to be humble when others are struggling?

At the risk of sounding too simplistic, the answer comes from helping our kids see their situations from the other person’s point of view.

Let me explain through an example.

Erin comes home from school upset at how a friend Sara treated her unfairly.  You listen patiently as your daughter goes on and on about the injustice of what happened.  Once she has finally exhausted her words and her anger is starting to dissipate and you’ve shown her the empathy she needs, you might begin asking questions to get past the emotion of her judgment.

  1. I know you are really hurting.  I’m sure I’d feel the same way if I were in your shoes.  You have every right to be upset.  Would it be okay if we talk about Sara for a few minutes?
  2. What do you think might have triggered her reaction?
  3. What do you know about Sara–her personality, her home life, her friends?
  4. Do you know if there was anything that might have set her off — maybe she started her period, or had a fight with her mom or a boyfriend?
  5. Could you have accidentally done something that made her target you with her outburst?
  6. Does she have a reason to maybe be jealous of you?
  7. How have you responded to her so far?
  8. What could you do to show her grace and show her the Jesus in you?

Ephesians 4:2-4

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.  Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.  For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future.

Having these deep conversations with our kids can help them think outside their own box.  Perhaps by talking about the other person involved, they will begin to put themselves in the other person’s shoes and see something outside of their own idea of justice.  Hopefully, Erin will see that Sara needs some grace in the situation and if she were in Sara’s shoes, the world may look differently.

Just like the mom in the first story, maybe God gave her some great mothering instincts as a result of the parenting she received.  Or she is good at gleaning information from parenting books.  Maybe the other mother has a strong-willed child or one that keeps her up at night.  Perhaps she grew up without a nurturing mother and is having to learn the ropes of parenting without a healthy role model. 

It is easy to make snap judgments about another person until we know the whole story.  And teaching our kids to look beyond the surface of relationships and situations can help them gain perspective in how to extend grace rather than remain in their own world of injustice. 

Dare you to have some deep conversations with your teens when they are in situations where they want to judge the other person.  Maybe they’ll see that there is always more than one perspective.

“Let go..and Let God”,

 

Would you like a different perspective in your own parenting?  With All Due Respect is about deepening your relationship with God and your kids.  In it you’ll find real life stories about moms who have chosen to look at parenting from a different perspective.  You’ll also find questions to think through your own parenting situations. Most moms have told us that the book has stretched them in looking at parenting with the focus of a healthy launch.  Why no grab a few friends and read through the book together?  Or maybe treat you and a friend to a copy for Mother’s Day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doing Life From the Platform of Respect

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A number of years ago my husband taught a junior high boys small group.  One of the topics that would always come up was how to treat members of the opposite sex.  I remember one of his lines well: “Remember, you don’t know whose wife you are dating.  Treat your girlfriend the way you hope your future wife to being treated now by the guy she is dating.”

As the conversation progressed, they would talk about holding hands, hugging, kissing, and the list would continue.

While the talks always centered around abstinence, the underlying theme was respect. 

Sometimes as I talk with parents now, it is like the light bulb begins to brighten.

If you are like me, most of our parents tried to teach respect with negative reinforcement.  “If you ever do that again, I’ll ______________.”  I’ll let you fill in the blank with how you were parented. 🙂

As I was growing up the same methodology was used with the breaking of any rule.  Breaking the rule = punishment.   Or maybe I could talk myself out of the punishment this time.

One of the conversations that I try to have with parents as they think about trying to get the “right behavior” from their teens, is to address the behavior change through heart change.  

In other words, give them an understanding of what it means to show respect to themselves and everyone involved in a particular situation and maybe you’ll change their heart and their behavior.

A woman approached me about her college student who was living under her roof for the summer.  She was frustrated that her son would come in sometime during the middle of the night while she and her husband were asleep.  While the mom always kept the light on so her son could see to get in, the garage door would wake her up.  Then she and her husband would hear the kid fumbling around in the kitchen making a snack while they were attempting to go back to sleep.  She was at the brink of saying, “If you can’t come in at a decent hour, you will need to find somewhere else to live.”

But thankfully she stopped herself.  Had she done that, most likely she was have instigated defensiveness and anger from her son tearing apart the relationship.

After we talked through her scenario, here’s what she said chose to say to her son.

“Honey, I know it’s hard to come home and have to live with our schedule.  However, I’d like to talk through what’s happening.  I know you really enjoy being with this girl.  As a matter of fact, I like her too.  I think the two of you are good for each other.  Can I put a different spin on this whole dating process and give you a different perspective of what is currently playing out?”

“Sure,” came his response.

“I know that you easily lose track of time while the two of you are together.  You seem to have a lot of fun together.  However, may I suggest that you become the leader in this relationship and show this girl how to respect herself.  She needs her rest and so do you.  You will always have more time to be together.”

“I’m also guessing that her parents will be more open to you as someone they would like their daughter to see more of if they see you as respectful.  Didn’t you tell me that they both work?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I’m wondering if they get woken up when their daughter comes in? 

One of the ways to get others to respect you is for you to respect them.  By getting your girlfriend home at a reasonable hour, you are communicating that you respect the girl and her parents.”

“I never thought of that”, he replied.

“There is another piece to this.  I know that you don’t mean to wake your dad and me up when you come home; but the fact is, you do.  When you are getting food from the kitchen after you come it, it keeps me from getting back to sleep easily.  This is starting to make me feel disrespected and resentful.  I’m guessing that is not what you are trying to do, but you need to know that I don’t like feeling frustration towards you.  I love you and want the best for you and for everyone involved.  You have the ability to influence what people think and feel based on your interactions with them, and I’m hoping that you will work on respecting yourself by respecting the other people in this situation.  Just know that I love you and want this to work for all of us.”

“I never thought of it that way.  I do want her parents to respect me and I’m not trying to interrupt your sleep.  I’m sorry.  I’ll try to do better.”

When I asked the mom how it was going after the conversation, she was honest.

“Well, it certainly isn’t perfect yet.  However, he is better about texting me when he is going to be late.  I’ve also noticed he’s a lot quieter in the kitchen now,” she laughed.

“And the other thing is, I’m more confident in continuing to have the conversation.  I’m realizing that one time with these kids doesn’t solve the problem.  But just understanding why he’s coming home late puts my mind at ease so I’m learning to sleep better and not worry.  And I’m beginning to understand more about who he is now on a heart level rather than a behavior that is frustrating me level.”

Zechariah 8:16

These are the things that you shall do: Speak the truth to one another; render in your gates judgments that are true and make for peace;

Ephesians 4:16

From whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

 

Dare you to look at life through the lens of respect as you teach your kids how to interact with others.  When kids learn self-respect, they can more easily apply it to how they can influence others in a positive way.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

Do you know parents who are struggling with their tweens and teens?  Or maybe you have kids that are starting to pull away in a way that feels foreign and a bit unhealthy?

That’s why With All Due Respect was written.  

It will challenge your thinking as you parent toward the launch of your kids into the adult world.

Here’s what one mom had to say:

“I can’t believe how much this book has shifted my thinking, my behavior, and my expectations.  I had no idea how much I could do to influence my “problem” child.  Thank you for writing this book!”