Are You Teaching Your Kids Gratitude?

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This has been a really rough week for me.  It was the two year anniversary of my daughter’s death and I’ll admit that her passing will forever leave a scar on my heart.  

Over the last 13 years I’ve spent countless hours coaching moms who are are lost in the quagmire of disbelief in what their kids are doing.  Many of their kids are doing drugs.  As parents we don’t want to imagine our kid would choose drugs and it takes us a while to even comprehend the extent of our situation.  We rationalize that we can fix it.  What we don’t realize is that the drugs alter our child’s brain in such a way that it typically throws the entire family into a crazy cycle that overtakes our lives before we even recognize it.  As my husband used to say, “It’s the first thing we talk about in the morning, and the last thing we talk about at night.”

If you are dealing with a kid on drugs, feel free to reach out to me.  I’ve walked the path and might have insight that you have not considered.  It is the legacy I want to leave as I reconcile within myself why God has allowed my journey to be so full of pain.

But what does this have to do with gratitude?

What I’ve learned is that gratitude can have an impact on us when we are dealing with difficult situations.  It’s brain altering.  Research has shown that being thankful can give us a sense of well-being and improve our physical health.  And when we are in the pit of despair isn’t that just what we need?  Why wouldn’t we want to take advantage of this way of thinking as well as pass the art of being grateful on to our kids?  After all, it’s cheaper than paying for counseling or going to the doctor.

So as I coach hurting parents, I’ve made it my mission to find something positive for them to focus on rather than the craziness of their world.  What can they be thankful for?  And part of our process is focusing on gratitude.  

So this week especially, I’ve focused on what I can be thankful for as I’ve contemplated by daughter’s death.  It is a tribute to her in what God has been doing in my life — and what He did through her and the lives she touched.

  • I’m thankful for the texts, the cards, and flowers of friends who remembered Andrea.  Only God could have made sure that several stargazer lillies were in the pink bouquet mix — my daughter’s favorite.
  • I’m thankful that God has brought joy through a 17 month-old grandson who kept me laughing on my day of remembering.
  • Thank you, Lord, that my daughter-in-law has been staying with us the last several weeks.  It is amazing how You brought her into my life from Germany and transplanted her in Cincinnati at a time when I needed a daughter to love.
  • I’m grateful for the stories that have come out of nowhere from my three boys this week.  They’ve been reminders that I was a good mother and came just when I wanted to doubt myself.

And what about you?  What can you be grateful for even if you have a son or daughter on drugs?  Can you be thankful that you are in contact with them?  Thankful that they are alive?  Thankful for what God will do in your life as a result of the trial?

And if you don’t have a child into drugs, can you praise God for that?  

No matter how difficult our circumstances, scripture says to praise Him.

I know it is easy to get frustrated with our tweens and teens.  We want to fix them, make them grow up, and sometimes wonder how they can do such stupid things.  Can we praise God in the midst of the frustration?  Can we just laugh at some of the things they think or do?  Laughter lowers our blood pressure and reduces stress. 

We need to laugh often as we raise our teens in order to survive.

The next step is to share with our kids what we are thankful for.  Sometimes I do it as I pray out loud with my kids at the dinner table, “Lord, thank you that ______ got that speeding ticket today.  Use it as a reminder the next time he realizes he is going over the speed limit.”  Another way is to just say something like, “Honey, I’m so glad your accident was only a fender bender and you weren’t hurt.  We have a lot to be grateful for.”

Another thing you might consider is a gratitude night around the dinner table.  Everyone takes a turn sharing 2-3 things they are thankful for during the week.  It is amazing what happens to the family dynamics when we start sharing the positives rather than staying focused on the terrible things that happen in our lives.

Psalm 34:1-4 (TLB)

I will praise the Lord no matter what happens. I will constantly speak of his glories and grace.  I will boast of all his kindness to me. Let all who are discouraged take heart.  Let us praise the Lord together and exalt his name.  For I cried to him and he answered me! He freed me from all my fears. 

Praising God in the midst of the pain.  And feel free to share my story with other moms who trying to face their own difficult reality.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

 

What is Keeping You From Connecting With Your Teen on a Deeper Level?

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It was a Thursday evening. I had just gotten off a plane, exhausted and hungry. My husband offered to take me out to dinner and I was more than willing to let him pick the restaurant so that I could go home and crash.

Sitting in the booth telling my husband about the trip to visit my mother, I couldn’t help but notice the family sitting next to us. I tried not to stare, but I’ll admit that it was hard.

From afar it appeared to be Grandma and Grandpa, Mom and Dad with two kids, and an adult brother of the Dad. Maybe a family reunion with Grandma and Grandpa coming to visit.

But let me get to the point. We sat there for over an hour watching the daughter play games on her phone. Even though she was sitting beside grandma, there was no interaction. Zero.

Sure enough, after they had ordered, Mom got out her phone and started texting. I thought for sure she would put it down. Nada–at least until the food came out. Poor grandma sat there in silence as the men carried on a conversation at one end of the table in their own world.

Even as they ate, the daughter sat her phone on the table and continued to play games. Mom never said, “Honey, would you please put your phone away so you can eat?” There was no communication with this girl–only silent approval that this was acceptable behavior.

I’ll admit I wanted to get up and shake this mother and tell the pre-teen to put her phone away. But I did choose to be civil. After all, we were in a restaurant and this woman didn’t ask for my help.

As dinner was winding down, I happened to glance at the grandmother. She knew what I was thinking. And she turned her palms up, shrugged, and glanced at me as if to say, “There’s really nothing I can do.”

“Really?” I thought.

As moms, we may be way more engaging than this mother in setting boundaries for our kids and helping them learn the social skills that they will need to survive in the future, but I wonder how many times we’ve allowed something or someone else crowd out the deep connection we could be having with our teen.

  1. When our kids ask us for something, are we “too busy” in the moment and fail to circle back to help them at a better time?
  2. Do we set specific times on a regular basis to have special one-on-one time to do things that we both enjoy? And then do it?
  3. Do you have “talk” time or are you always rushing to the next activity with a list of “Did you do your_____ (homework or chores)?”
  4. Do you encourage interaction with other adults, especially with Grandma and Grandpa, so that relationships develop and a sense of family becomes important?
  5. Are we willing to do hard things ourselves, like put away the phone or give up something else, so that we can model relationships for our kids?
  6. Are we willing to step into the situations that are not going as we would like and say, “Honey, I would like you to put away the phone right now so we can enjoy each other, grandma, or whoever else is in the room.”?
  7. Are we willing to have the tough conversations before and after a situation so that our kids will learn what relationship is all about?

1 Timothy 4:12

Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.

Romans 12:1

I appeal to you therefore, brothers/sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

Dear Heavenly Father,

So many times I fail in my own actions and model behavior that will one day be passed to yet another generation. Lord, help me to not only think through my own convictions but to live them out for my children. Help me to be brave and walk into what might be conflict over things like phones, computers, gaming systems, friends, and other things so that I can teach my kids the art of true relationships.

Lord, I also pray that my relationship with you will become deeper and stronger as I choose to live my life for you. Help me to be a parent who engages with her children in a way that will bring you glory and honor.

In the precious name of Jesus, Amen.

Dare you to think about ways you can more deeply connect with your teen and teach them about true relationships.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Teaching teens the importance of relationship is so very difficult in a technology driven world.  If you would like to connect more deeply with your teen, why not grab a copy of With All Due Respect and join us in our on-line eCourse?  I’ll be joining you in a community of christian women who want to take their relationships with their kids to the next level.  Hope to see you there!

 

 

Do You Accuse or Choose to Handle Your Challenging Situations Differently?

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Last week I shared a story of a mother who was more focused on accusing her daughter’s friend rather than handling the challenging situation in a way that would foster relationship with her teen. (Click here to read.)  The same week that I was traveling, I spoke with a grandmother who was trying to impact a difficult situation with her teenage grand-daughter. The situation had just occurred a few days prior and this woman was sharing how she was trying to have influence in an extremely gut-wrenching situation.

As I listened, I was in awe. I kept wondering if I would have had the wisdom to handle a situation in a similar manner. Truth be told, several years ago I was in the same situation–as the mother instead of the grandmother. And I’ll admit I didn’t handle it well. Honestly, I wish this woman had been in my life then. I might have done things much differently with her sage advice and wisdom.

“Monica was caught vaping and smoking marijuana with her friends,” the woman began. “I’m just glad my daughter called to let me know. It’s hard to believe that Monica would do something like that. She just became a teenager a couple of weeks ago. She seems to be so young to already be experimenting with drugs.”

I was able to share with this woman about teen drug use from my own experience with my teen. I found myself transported to all the things I wish I had done differently.  As a result my heart breaks for parents who are in these tough situations.

“I’m so sorry you are having to deal with it. It know it is hard.”

“I know that God is aware of everything and I’ve been coaching my daughter not to accuse Monica but to put her energy into listening and validating her daughter’s feelings.”

“That’s really great advice. Something is obviously going on deep inside your grand-daughter and her feelings do matter.”

“My daughter says that she and Monica are having conversations that are much deeper than they would typically have. They end more amicably than in the past.”

” That’s great. What else are you doing?”

“I’ve been asking God to show me the next step and how He wants me involved in the situation. Yesterday, I got to spend two hours alone with Monica. We talked about how much God loves her. I was also able to ask her if there is any lie she believes about herself. The more we talked and I shared different stories of things that I remember happening when she was little, Monica was able to tell me that she always felt like her brother was more important than she was. She felt that “she didn’t matter and no one really cared about her.”

“Wow. That was huge for a 13 year old to get to a place where she could identify the lie.”

“I thought so too,” the grandmother replied. “I went on to tell her that what was important is what God thinks about her and what she thinks about herself. She needs to find a way to love herself and understand her value. After all, God took His time to create her as a special person. I love her, her parents love her, but she needs to love herself as well.”

“That’s really awesome. I think too often as parents we get focused on what others think about us and not what God thinks or what we think. I love that you were able to get to a place where these are her choices based on what she believes about herself. I love it too that you are stepping into her life in an active role rather than sitting back to let your daughter and her husband struggle with it on their own.”

“One of the things I’ve come to learn,” I continued, “is that teens need several people who are active in their life and people who will not “tell them what to do” or “where they have messed up” but can focus on influencing them toward right decisions with the understanding that ultimately it is the teen’s choice. As much as we want to, we don’t necessarily have ultimate control. Learning that as parents is so difficult at times.”

So what about you? As a parent, how would you handle a situation if you discovered your teen was smoking pot, vaping, or doing drugs? What if they were having sex or doing something else that you disapprove of or is against your faith? Would you accuse and try to control or would you have the skills to influence the situation in a way for the best possible outcome?

Psalm 46:1-3

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

Isaiah 43:1-3 

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Philippians 4:6 

Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Most parents have the tendency of accusing their teens and bringing down the hammer along with the lecture when they’ve done something out of line.  Dare you to choose to handle your challenging situations differently.

“Let Go…and Let God”,

 Wish you had people like this grandmother in your life to help with your parenting challenges?  Grab the book With All Due Respect and join us in our on-line ecourse.  There you will meet our mentors who have learned how to think differently about parenting challenges and can walk with you through the struggles. Whether it is drugs, sex, alcohol, defiance, or even a good kid who you want to connect with on a deeper level, we can help. Hope you will join us.