Does Your Family Have Free Time?

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Reading through an assignment for her small group on Tuesday morning, Alison was surprised at the emotion she was feeling. It had been years since her kids were that young. In fact, all her children were in college now. But, oh, how she would have done things differently! She wished she had created time to stain that play set. She wished she had planned their family time better. She wished that she had not bought into the lie that she needed to always keep her kids busy during the tween and teen years “so they wouldn’t get into trouble.”

As she sat there deep in thought the memories came flooding back–especially the warnings she had chosen to ignore.

She remembered a time when she and Mary Anne sat on the playground with their younger children while each of their older sons were practicing soccer. The season had been coming to an end and both moms had been ready for a slower pace. The coach had pulled a couple of the parents aside to offer their sons a place on a select team the following year. “Your boys are ready!” he said. “I hope they’ll choose to play with us. Let me know by the end of the week. We’ll probably practice some until it gets too cold.”

Alison had talked to several of the parents about what their decision would be for the coming season. Most of the parents were excitedly signing up for the opportunity for more playing time for the boys. They felt honored that their sons were “chosen” for the select team. Mary Ann had a different perspective though.

“What? You’re not going to let him play?” Alison couldn’t believe what Mary Ann was saying to her!

“No, Ryan and I are going to take Lily’s advice. You know Lily don’t you? She’s the woman down the street with the boys that are grown. Anyway, one day we had lunch together and she said if she could do one thing over as a parent, she would hold off on the intensive sports as long as possible. In fact, she said she would have really scrutinized the number of activities her children were allowed to be involved in.”

“Why’s that?”

“She told me–family time. She felt like she was a marionette to her kid’s sports and activities schedules and she wished she had carved out more family time. She said she wished her family hadn’t always been in a mad rush to get to the kids’ events.”

Alison remembered blowing off Mary Ann’s comment about Lily’s advice. Alison knew her own children. She wanted them to be the best they could be; so she signed their son up for the select team.

As she continued to sit with her assignment opened, tears started rolling down her cheeks. She quickly brushed them away. It was so sad to think of what could have been. Just last week she had seen the neighbors down the street frantically trying to load the three kids in two different cars so they could be at two separate games at the same time. With Mom heading one direction and Dad heading another, poor little Samuel was having to choose which parent he would go with. She heard him begging to go to a friend’s house instead while his mom yelled at him to get in the car or else!

“Sports were good for kids,” she thought to herself. “It’s just that we chose to do too much.  Oh how I wish we had put limits on them.  Maybe there would be friendship between the siblings now if I had done things differently.  All they seem to do is be on the go.  I guess that’s what I taught them.”

Rushing…rushing…rushing seemed to be the pace of their lives once the kids hit junior high and high school. There was no time to model what family was all about. There was little time to do family things outside of the kids’ activities. If she had to do over, Alison would have saved time and taught the kids the joy of serving others–like staining the play set–together–to surprise dad!  She would have found time to show them that the family was not only about getting them where they needed to be for their activities, but that life was also about balance–taking time to contemplate and enjoy each other.

As Alison was sitting there thinking about what could have been, she wished she had taken heed to Ephesians 5:15 at the time.

Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise,

As parents of tween and teens, we sometimes forget that others have walked before us and have wisdom beyond where we are at the moment. We buy into the lies of the culture that our kids need to spend every waking moment being busy and that we as parents need to allow it.

Dare you and your spouse to start talking about what the family needs rather than planning life around all the kids’ activities. Why not find a project to do together or serve someone else?

“Let go…and let God”,

He Wants a Tattoo? Don’t Panic.

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“Mom, can I get a tattoo? It’s a really big deal. All the guys on the squad have one.” Oh my, the dreaded words.

As the mother of four with this one being my oldest, a 17 year old son, it was a big deal! I wanted to scream at him, “No way!” Typical parent thoughts coursed through my mind, “You’ll be scarred for life! What will people think? I won’t be able to stand looking at you with that thing.” Somehow, in the course of this conversation, I managed to keep my cool. Maybe it was because he had so calmly asked the question. Maybe it was because I knew he couldn’t get one without my help since he was underage. Ha! I was in a position of power!

“Hmm,” I calmly responded. “Why is it a big deal?” We then dialogued about why it was so important to him.

“Don’t you need a parent signature since you are under 18?” I managed without a whisper of sarcasm.

Luckily, I had an out, “Guess your dad and I need to talk about this one.”

As my husband and I spoke about the situation wondering how we should approach it without alienating our son, we did several things that helped determine our response. The first thing we did was agree that we did not want him to get the tattoo. Yeah, we could issue a dictatorial response, but was it a hill worth dying on? Was it something that our son would hold against us in years to come? Would the decision potentially set a precedent that might impact our other children? Oh my, such heavy questions we were beginning to embark on in our parenting journey.

I know that some of you are out there saying “WHAT? YOU EVEN CONSIDERED SAYING YES? YOU MUST BE OUT OF YOUR MIND!” But please, hang in here with me. As we began the prayer vigilance seeking God for guidance, I started the research. Ugh! It would have been so much easier if God had just said… “Thou shalt not get a tattoo”. Meanwhile, my husband set off to discuss it with friends who had already been down this path, hoping to get perspective.

We continued to discuss the topic with our son, not making it an issue between us…but with sincere concern as to what was best for him. He had his opinion; we had ours. We learned all the reasons this was a big deal for him. The dialogue became similar to one with an adult friend. Back and forth…things we understood…things we were having difficulty with.

We agreed to give him our decision in a few weeks after we returned from vacation. That would give us some “fun, connecting” time before we gave him our “No”. You know, the let them down easy “no”.

As we enjoyed the beach together, my husband and I agreed that our son was really maturing well. For the most part he seemed to be making good decisions. How badly would our decision impact our relationship?

And then my husband and I did the unbelievable, the unthinkable, the ‘whatever possessed us to do this’ thing… WE WENT TO VISIT A TATTOO PARLOR!

It was really quite by accident. While hanging around the dock with the kids off doing water sports, we saw it…a Tattoo Parlor on the corner…within walking distance. Knowing there was absolutely no way anyone would recognize us, we went in to look at tattoo drawings. As I walked into the shop, I kept thinking, “Father, forgive me…I know not what I am doing!” Standing there among several employees with more color on their skin than I have in my wardrobe, I sheepishly asked prices and told the girl behind the counter what we were considering for our 17 year old. She immediately had the owner to come speak with us.

As we explained our dilemma, I then asked him, “What would you say if this was your kid?” I have no idea what possessed me to ask an artist such a stupid question, but he looked just a few years younger than me. “Maybe he had kids of his own?” I thought skeptically.

Surprise of all surprises, he responded, “You’re the first person to ever come in here to ask me that! There’s no way I’d let a kid of mine get a tattoo until they’re at least 25, especially a male. Their body changes too much with muscle growth that skews the artwork, they also haven’t figured out who they are and what is important to them. If it was my kid, I’d say no.”

SHOCK resonated within me as my husband and I left. Speechless, but absolutely delighted, we laughed our way out of the shop. God had given us plenty of ammunition to back up our response!

As my husband and I sat down to discuss our decision with our son, we gave him both a biblical response and an expert’s response. Knowing why this was such a big deal to him, we created him an out. “Son, here’s the deal. No, we are not going to sign for you get a tattoo now and we’ve outlined the reasons why. If you will wait until you are 25 to get a tattoo and you still want one, I’ll pay for it,” responded his dad.

“No matter how big?” he asked.

“Ask me when you are 25.”

YES, it was a gamble. YES, we might later have to eat our words. But we were willing to take a risk at more maturity in eight years.

(FAST FORWARD to six months before his 25th birthday.)

I decided that I really didn’t want to deal with any surprises for his birthday. I had no idea what tattoos were costing these days and I certainly needed time to get used to the idea of my son with a tattoo. “Honey,” I ventured, “your 25th birthday is right around the corner. Have you given any thought to whether you still want that tattoo we offered?”

“You’ve got to be kidding, Mom. Of course, I don’t want a tattoo. You’re off the hook.”

As I sighed with relief, I kept remembering a scripture verse, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV

BOTTOM LINE: We are sometimes tempted to respond to our children’s requests with a resounding “no” when the relationship would be better served in letting them know we will respectfully consider their requests. If you do, maybe God will provide a way to let you off the hook.

Dare you to pause in your response to your child’s next earthshattering request and create dialogue instead of anger.

Double dare you to send me your earthshattering parenting situations. Maybe I’ll have a story that will give you hope!

Enjoy the journey!

“Let go…and Let God”

 

Be Aware! The Dating Game is Changing

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This week in USA Today a shocking story hit the press that will influence our teens.  Many Americans are well aware that sleeping together early in the dating relationship is almost a given for a lot of teens.  TV and movies portray this as normal behavior and it has influenced more than a generation.  As parents we might  caution our kids and tell them sex is for marriage, but when pressure from the culture is hitting them from all directions at a time when they are taking steps toward independence, who will they listen to?  

Parents?

Teachers?

Coaches?

Peers?

Media?

According to the latest survey of single Millennials (remember that this includes our 18 year olds) over 1/3 of this demographic had sex before they decided if they want to spend time with that person!  It is as if the act of sex is an interview for compatibility.  Sex is no longer considered the intimate part of the relationship.

Like it or not our kids are not only being influenced by their peers, but if they have teachers and coaches they look up to, they are being influenced by them as well.  If the teacher or coach is in the under 34 age range and is single, they fall in that Millennial generation of values.

A mom recently shared a story about what was happening in their high school.  A contracted school nurse, a Millennial, had an open door policy especially for the athletes.  She would openly coach these boys on “how to get the girl” and would even go as far as arrange dates for these kids.  She was seen hooking kids up at the mall and sometimes hanging out with them.  

Think of the influence.

Like it or not the values of these adult figures will greatly impact how our kids see the world.

We need to remember that the world our kids live in is not the world we grew up in.

So what can you do to counter the culture in a way that will better align your tweens and teens values with your family values?

  1. Stay on your knees – daily.  And be sure to tell your kids that you are praying for them.
  2. Share articles like the one linked above.  Kids need to know what they will face in the world and what your values are.  Talk about the world they live in.
  3. Talk to them early.  Too many times as parents we fail to have these conversations early enough.  If your kid knows what sex is, then stories like this as well as sex or dating on TV and in movies is a great place to start.  What I hear most often from parents is that they waited too late because they wanted to protect their child’s innocence.  It is more important to talk to them young when they are willing to listen and learn from you.  
  4. Share what Scripture has to say.  If kids have a good relationship with you and a solid foundation for their values, they are more likely to stand up to the influences around them.
  5. Be honest with your kids.  Tell them your concerns about their future.  Share your regrets or some of the regrets of your friends or family members.  
  6. Role play.  If your kids are willing, role play situations they might find themselves in or maybe some they have already been in.  Teach them the skills and build their confidence to counter the peer pressure.
  7. Build relationship.  Even though our kids are reaching for independence, if we choose to interact with them in a respectful manner, the relationship will still be maintained and our kids will want to emulate us.

Deuteronomy 6:7

You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.  

Last night my husband and I were watching a Netflix episode of a police drama.  One of the single dad cops was trying to figure our who was targeting a swim suit fashion model.  Of course, the cop kills the guilty party and becomes the hero, but as the show comes to the finale, all the models start parading their bikini’s in a runway fashion show. And to my surprise, the cop’s 11 year old daughter is welcomed to the event with open arms and gets paraded backstage to hang out with the models in their dressing room.

And my thought became–“What parent in their right mind would do that?”

It is easy to get caught up in the world’s value system and the excitement of opportunity.  As parents it is easy to get sucked into what other parents allow their kids to do without thinking of future impact.  Letting go is not easy when the culture is encouraging a different mindset, but respectful communication can strengthen the odds that they’ll embrace your values.

Dare you to pay attention to who is influencing your kids and counter their culture with your influence by having discussions before the world does.

“Let go…and let God”,

 

 

 

Are You Ready to Allow Your Daughter to Sleep Over at Her Boyfriend’s House?

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Camping couple hugging and enjoying the sunset

Sleepovers were fond memories when my kids were in elementary school.  Typically a best buddy would show up, they’d play some games, watch a movie, and camp out on the family room floor.   Harmless for the most part.

By junior high and high school, that phase of life seemed to be a thing of the past for our family.  I’m guessing I was lucky on that front.  At some point along the way my kids seemed to recognize that they needed sleep and the best buddy would be available the next day.

It wasn’t until my kids were in college that there seemed to be a radical twist to the whole sleepover thing.  Maybe it was when my college freshman started sharing co-ed dorm stories that I saw what was really happening in the young adult world.

I remember my son telling me about getting out of the shower in the men’s restroom that was down the hall from his dorm room.  Stepping out on the wet tile floor as he began to dry himself off, he spotted them–two girls who were primping in front of the mirror.  Yes! In the men’s restroom on the men’s floor.  Embarrassed and shocked beyond belief, he quickly wrapped himself in a towel and headed down the hallway.  

“Mom, it’s just what I deal with on a regular basis.  You learn to live with it.  It’s just part of life.  Guys and girls don’t share dorm rooms 24/7 but, Mom, they are sharing dorm rooms.”

Wow!

And that’s how our kids become numb to all the morals we’ve tried to teach them while in our home.  They start seeing the immorality in the world as “normal”.

It wasn’t long until I started hearing moms of college students, church moms even, saying things like, “Yeah, my daughter just stayed at her boyfriend’s last night.  It was late and she didn’t want to come home because she was concerned the roads were slick.”  

“His parents don’t mind?” I asked one woman.

“Oh, he has his own place.  I know it was alright.  I’m sure nothing went on.  I trust them.”

Hmm…

Another mom told me how her daughter was going to visit her boyfriend who had just gotten a job out of state.  Yes, a long weekend alone in his apartment, together.  

“I trust her.  After all, she’s an adult.  It’s not like I can stop her,” mom responded.  

Truth be told, she’s right.

And typically what happens with the college crowd, starts happening with the high school kids eventually.

Eventually has arrived.

High School co-ed sleepovers are now the new rage.  Parents are starting to get the full-court press from their kids to sleep over at the boyfriend or girlfriend’s house.  After all, what’s the big deal?

“You trust me, don’t you, Mom?  What’s going to happen?  His parents will be home.”

And parents are caving to the requests.  

While these requests might seem preposterous to us as parents, know that our kids are making choices on how they will view the world.  Our response is not only important in setting the morality standard for when they leave for college as adults, but is also important in how they will lead the next generation.

If you haven’t gotten the request yet, this is your opportunity.  Start the conversation!  

Here are some pre-parenting ideas:

  1. Bring up the subject.  In today’s media culture your kids will hear about this if they haven’t already.  Ask them what they think about it.  Find out if they know kids that are having co-ed sleepovers.
  2. Listen. Let them talk without passing judgment.  Words like “Hmm…and wow…and really…” should keep them talking.
  3. Ask them to look at it through the lense of scripture with you.   
  4. Let them know why as a parent you would have to say ‘no’ to such a request without emotion.
  5. Talk about sexual temptation.

As parents, we can’t be afraid to say “no” when morality issues are at stake.  Just because their friends are doing it, just because we trust our kids, and just because we want our kids to like us is not an excuse.

Kids need limits and boundaries to establish healthy patterns in life.  They need parents who build relationship in such a way that we can influence the next generation to stop and consider good from evil.

Roman 12:1-2

Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is you spiritual service of worship.  And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

Dare you to boldly start the dialogue before you get hit with the request.  Help your kids stay focused on scripture’s view of good versus the world’s view by talking about it now so you can influence your kids early.

“Let go…and let God”,

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Struggling with Life Balance?

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soccer player doing kick with ball on football stadium field isolated on black background

Reading through With All Due Respect assignment for her small group on Tuesday morning, Alison was surprised at the emotion she was feeling. Her kids had started playing soccer at such a young age. But, oh, how she would have done things differently if she could rewind the clock. She wished she had planned their family time better. She wished that she had not bought into the lie that she needed to always keep her kids busy during the tween and teen years “so they wouldn’t get into trouble.”

As she sat there deep in thought the memories came flooding back…especially the warnings she had chosen to ignore.

She remembered a time when she and Mary Anne sat on the playground with their younger children while each of their older sons were practicing soccer. The season had been coming to an end and both moms had been ready for a slower pace. The coach had pulled a couple of the parents aside to offer their sons a place on a select team the following year. “Your boys are ready!” he said. “I hope they’ll choose to play with us. Let me know by the end of the week. We’ll probably practice some until it gets too cold.”

Alison had talked to several of the parents about what their decision would be for the coming season. Most of the parents were excitedly signing up for the opportunity for more playing time for the boys. They felt honored that their sons were “chosen” for the select team. Mary Ann had a different perspective, though.

“What? You’re not going to let him play?” Alison couldn’t believe what Mary Ann was saying to her!

“No, Ryan and I are going to take Lily’s advice. You know Lily don’t you? She’s the woman down the street with the boys that are in college. Anyway, one day we had lunch together and she said if she could do one thing over as a parent, she would hold off on the intensive sports as long as possible. In fact, she said she would have really scrutinized the number of activities her children were allowed to be involved in.”

“Why’s that?”

“She told me–family time. She felt like she was a marionette to her kid’s sports and activities schedules and she wished she had carved out more family time and that she wished her family hadn’t always been in a mad rush to get to the kids’ events.”

Alison remembered blowing off Mary Ann’s comment about Lily’s advice. Alison knew her own children. She wanted them to be the best they could be; so she signed their son up for the select team.

As she continued to sit with the book opened on her lap, tears started rolling down her cheeks. She quickly brushed them away. It was so sad to think of what could have been. Just last week she had seen the neighbors down the street frantically trying to load the three kids in two different cars so they could be at two separate games at the same time. With Mom heading one direction and Dad heading another, poor little Samuel was having to choose which parent he would go with. She heard him begging to go to a friend’s house instead with Mom yelling at him to get in the car or else!

“Sports were good for kids,” she thought to herself. “It was too bad she had allowed her kids to choose what they wanted to do rather than starting out early and limiting activities.  Now she felt that they were a fragmented family with everyone going in a different direction.”

Rushing. Rushing. Rushing seemed to be the pace of their lives now that the kids were in junior high and high school. There was no time to model what family was all about. There was little time to do family things outside of the kids’ activities. If she had to do over, Alison would have saved time and taught the kids the joy of serving others–like helping their elderly neighbor woman mow her lawn — together.  She would have taught them to put their family first over activity. She would have found time to show them that the family was not only about getting them where they needed to be for their activities–but that life was also about balance.

As Alison was sitting there thinking about what could have been, she wished she had taken heed to Ephesians 5:15 at the time.

Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise,

As parents of tween and teens, we sometimes forget that others have walked before us and have wisdom beyond where we are at the moment. We buy into the lies of the culture that our kids need to spend every waking moment being busy and that we as parents need to allow it.

Dare you and your spouse to start talking about what the family needs rather than planning life around all the kids’ activities. Why not find a project to do together to serve someone else?

“Let go…and let God”,

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Why Should We be Surprised at Transgender Bathrooms?

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Swimming pool - swimmer training competition in class with coach

Target shocked the world with their announcement of transgender bathrooms as the masses cried out in outrage. Protesters boycott the store while the ACLU director quits her job because she says it threatens women’s safety after her girls were visibly upset at having used a restroom with towering transgender women.

The real question is how we got here.  It obviously didn’t happen overnight.

Since my kids are in their twenties, I’ve seen a slow eroding of modesty that didn’t exist a decade before they were born.  Long gone are the days when schools enforced dress codes that were written in black and white and parents didn’t question the authority of school officials when their kids were sent home or given something else to wear for the day.

While most of us can look back at that A-Ha moment when the world was not what we thought it should be, mine was when my 9 year old was on the swim team.  I remember well the excitement when the outdoor pool was covered with a dome for winter training for the first time.  While typically changing out of wet swimsuits would take place in respective dressing rooms, kids would now be forced to run wet through the cold outdoors to get to the inside changing areas.  

Oh my, we can’t have that.

Enter make-shift dressing rooms on the pool deck.

Curtains on iron rods were situated on opposite corners of the pool deck–one for girls, the other for boys.  It seemed like a good option–until the season was in full-swing.

By mid season, the older kids seemed to shun the improvised dressing rooms.  Deciding it was easier to just dress on deck, teen girls would be seen dawning t-shirts over wet swimsuits, pulling the wet suit down half way and putting a bra on underneath while 9 and 10-year-old kids were entering the pool area for their designated swim time.  

Next thing these impressionable kids would see would be a girl shimmying the rest of her suit off  and gently pulling on her lace underwear.  Yes, she was covered by her longer t-shirt or sometimes a towel, but of course those t-shirts or towels weren’t always fully hiding everything.  And towels would accidentally drop.  And the giggling would start.

Soon the high school boys were doing the same.  Not the bras, mind you, but you get the idea.

And parents and coaches stood by and said nothing. “Oh well, we can’t have them get sick from the cold. At least they’re covered.”

Meanwhile my impressionable 9 year old was taking notice of how the world operated.

Fast forward almost a decade and things were continuing to evolve.  By now, school officials might have a dress code for students, but it was rarely if ever enforced.

Volunteering as a chaperone for a homecoming dance opened my eyes yet again to the real world my child lived in.  The dress code had been made clear but I stood mouth gaping open as I witnessed a high school principal look at a girl’s dress that left little to the imagination and said, “You know that outfit doesn’t meet dress code, but I’ll let you in this time without calling your parents.” 

The girl put on her smile and boldly walked into the school gym while parent chaperones stood appalled.

By the time my third was in high school band, I realized how far the getting dressed in the same room had gotten. Now it was a given.  Even for school functions.  Boys and girls changed clothes on the bus for every competition without thinking a thing about it. 

Why can’t they use separate buses as dressing rooms?  For heaven’s sake, if you are driving four buses to an event why not designate two for boys and two for girls as dressing areas?  How difficult is that?

But no one thinks of that any more.

Our kids accept it as normal because the adults in their lives have learned to accept it as normal.

1 Peter 5:2a

Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them

1 Peter 5:8

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

Outraged parents are vigilant in their out-lash against Target, but are we being as persistent when it hits a little closer to home?  Are we willing to take a stand in our own communities–in our kid’s schools or activities?

Is the ‘creep’ of unacceptable to acceptable happening under our eyes as parents and we’re oblivious to it?

Dare you to look at your values and take a stand in your ‘neck of the woods’.  And while you’re at it, take time to talk to your kids about what you see in their world.  Engage them in the culture battle.

“Let go…and let God”,

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