Am I a Good Listener?

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As 24 year old Annie stood at work bored and waiting for the close of her shift at the local mall to end, she thought the next hour couldn’t come soon enough. Snow was supposedly swirling outside with the anticipation of another few inches and all she could think about was curling up at her apartment in front of a movie and being off her feet. These long evenings with little chance of customers in the store left her drained. With no one to talk to, time seemed to stand still. She desperately needed something to keep her mind occupied on these slow nights. Too bad there was no Wi-Fi she could connect to so she could surf the net.

“Oh, I know Mom will be at home!” she thought. “I’ll just give her a call.”

Michelle was tired after a busy day. As was typical of their evenings, she and Mitch along with their 17 year old were settled in for one of their favorite shows. It was the way they unwound each evening. Something Michelle particularly looked forward to. Sitting in her favorite chair with a cup of cinnamon tea, Michelle was engrossed in the happenings on the screen. Breaking into the silence, the phone rang.

“Mom, do you have to answer it?” Cadie whined. “Why does someone always call when we’re in the middle of a show?”

“Cadie, it will only take a minute. Pause the show, I need to take this.”

“Hello.”

“Hi, Mom! What are you up to?” Annie asked

“Just watching TV with Dad and Cadie.”

“I just called. It is so boring here. No one is in the mall!”

“I’ll bet. It’s really starting to come down out there. Is there something really important that you need? If not, we’ve got about 10 minutes left in our show. Can I call you back then?”

“Sure. Just call me on my cell.”

As the TV program came to an end, Michelle picked up the phone to return Annie’s call.

“Hi, honey. Any more customers?”

“No. These evenings never seem to end. I hate it when I’m here ’til close by myself.”

And the conversation continued…

And continued…

And continued.

Michelle seemed to add little to the conversation. Just saying “un-huh” occasionally seemed to do the trick.

At 8:50, Annie finally looked at the clock. “Oh, it’s almost time to close. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”

As Cadie came down the stairs to get a snack before bed she asked, “Mom, why do you spend so much time with Annie on the phone?”

“Because she is lonely, Cadie. Sometimes it is tough to be her age with life being so drastically different than when she was in school. Friend’s work schedules don’t always line up with hers. If you are like Annie, you live all alone in your apartment. If you have a job like her, sometimes you get a shift all by yourself. On nights like tonight, no one darkens the door of the store because of the weather. This is when I want to be here for her. Yeah, I know it interrupted our TV show for a few minutes. But I made sure she knew that we were busy. I didn’t want to spoil my time with you if she didn’t have something urgent that needed taken care of. That’s why I agreed to call her back. You know, I want to be Annie’s friend now and sometimes friends are just there to listen.”

“Yeah, guess you’re right, Mom. At least I know when it’s my turn, you’ll be there for me.”

Colossians 3:12-14

 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Sometimes our 20-Somethings just need us to be there for them. Whether it is just listening when they need a friend or someone to help them with a problem, sometimes knowing that you will allow them to vocalize their frustrations in a safe place is all they need. When others in your home get interrupted by older siblings, be sure to acknowledge that their time with you is important too.

Dare you to just be there to listen to your 20-somethings, even when it isn’t necessarily convenient for you.

“Let go…and let God”,


 

Are You Believing a Lie and Acting on It?

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My husband was traveling last week and purchased one of those small pocket books you can find in the airport bookstore to read on the plane.  As he settled into his seat focused on the book content he soon felt an overwhelming gnawing sense that he had failed.  A list of all the things we should be doing as parents caught his attention and one in particular took root — he had failed in making sure that his son always cleaned up after himself.

He kept thinking of his frustration over the last two years of the times he had come into the kitchen and seen dishes left out.  He thought about the unmade bed and the wet towels left on the bathroom floor.  As most of us would agree, this book confirmed what we know as parents — our kids need to learn to clean up after themselves as we try to teach them to become adults.  

None of us want to feel like failures as parents.  We can easily take things we read or things another person says about our kids and want to make sure our kids rise to the occasion.  At other times we see the success of other people’s kids and try to push our kids to be as good as or better than what we’ve seen.

But my question is simple:

  • Are those thoughts fully true? 
  • Is now the time to act on those thoughts? 
  • And if you do, what will be the result?

The lie my husband believed is simple.  “All teens and 20-somethings should clean up after themselves if they live under your roof and it is the parent’s job to make that happen.”

First you need to understand that sometimes we all communicate things in a not-so-gentle way that can put strain on the relationship.  And for those of you who know my husband, the way he handled the situation was so not like him.  Typically he communicates in a loving, gentle, laughter-filled way that makes others want to do as he asks.  Unfortunately, this time the lie was so strong in his mind that it came across as condemning and my son walked away with a feeling of his father’s disappointment in who he was as a person.

Ugh!  So not what my husband wanted. 

He just wanted change.

Standing on the sidelines watching my son during the following week after the exchange he had with his father, I heard him as he made sure he cleaned up after himself with spoken words of condemnation.  “I need to clean up or dad will come tell me what a disappointment I am.  I need to do this now because dad will feel like a failure if I don’t.  All the other things I am doing in my life don’t matter except cleaning up after myself.  I am such a loser.”

And the record kept playing in my son’s mind as he verbalized it for days.

Yet my husband was getting the behavior he wanted.  He was glad our son was cleaning up after himself.  Obviously, his communication had worked.

But he hadn’t seen the condemnation our son was heaping upon himself.

And I was watching the anger grow within my son toward his dad.

As I spent time with God trying to sort through the relationship mess that had been created, I asked myself the question.  What is true?

  1. My husband loves his son.
  2. My husband believed the lie that he needed to fix this “parenting oversight” in his son now.
  3. My husband had communicated poorly with his son.
  4. My son was heaping condemnation on himself from the conversation and anger was setting in toward his dad.
  5. My son has had two surgeries in the last year 10 months and had difficulty with certain movements like bending and twisting (hence the wet towels on the floor, unmade bed, and dishes not put in the dishwasher).  He had to make choices–do things that added pain or focus on what he could do to make life easier and get through his day.
  6. My son was working hard to get back to whatever normal life can be — working part-time, studying for the GRE, and working with the youth group at church all while still on strong medication.

And as I wrestled with God and these truths, I wondered if my husband realized that while yes, his belief was a good one, “teens and 20-something should clean up after themselves if they live in your home”, it could be a lie in this moment. 

Given the circumstances, was this a time for grace?

Given the timing, is the relationship more important than the “parenting oversight” my husband wanted to fix?

And I wonder how many of us as parents do the same thing.  We believe a parenting truth that could be a lie in the moment.  

We might get the result we want, but at what expense?  

Are we damaging the relationship in a way that forces our kids to look at themselves as a loser and taking on the responsibility of not living up to Dad or Mom’s expectations?  Are they heaping condemnation upon themselves as a result of our words or emphasis on a specific discipline?

Dare you to take inventory of the lies you might be believing when it comes to your own kids.  Are you comparing them to other kids and expecting them to be the same?  Are your expectations so high that your teen feels pressed in on all sides?

Colossians 3:21

“Parents, do not irritate your children, or they will become discouraged.”

1 Peter 4:8

“Above everything, love one another earnestly, because love covers over many sins.”

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are You Coaching Toward Adulthood?

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A friend of mine sent me a text this week –“She is crazy in love with the baby, but slow on the ‘adulting’.”

A 20-something shows up at my house with no socks for the weekend, “Oh, I haven’t done laundry for over a month.”

And a high school junior looks at mom and says, “I’m hungry.  Will you fix me a snack?”

So how do we get our kids to start thinking like adults?

Our natural tendency is to jump right in and do whatever our kids ask or need.  In fact, sometimes we offer what we think they need before they even ask.

Don’t get me wrong, we do it for all the right reasons.  We want our kids to know that we love them.  We don’t want our kids to suffer in any way.  We think it is just a little thing that we do out of the goodness of our heart to help make life better.  

But are we handicapping our kids?  Are we keeping them from becoming adults?

Do we think for them so they don’t have to think?  Do we do for them so they don’t have to do?

I’ll admit that many times I’ve looked at my kids as they were walking out the door and said, “Did you remember the ______?”

And under some circumstances that might be okay.  But we are hampering their maturity if we are constantly reminding them of the basics of life.  In other words, are we doing the thinking so they don’t learn to?

I remember a time when my son was 16 and I was one of those moms.  Maybe you can relate.

“Honey, don’t you need to get to work soon?  There will be a lot of traffic.”  Going through my mind is–I want him to do well at his job and I don’t want him to lose it by being late.   

“I’m getting ready now.  You haven’t seen my keys have you? I can’t find them.”

Going through my mind is–He’s going to be late.  I don’t want him to lose this job.  I’d better help him find the keys.

And I drop what I’m doing frantically going through the house in search of his keys.

Ten minutes later, I find the keys in a sweaty pair of shorts he left on the floor in his room.  And off he goes as I wonder — Will he ever grow up?

Truth be told, he won’t grow up if I don’t let him.

What did I teach my son?

1) Mom is always there to remind you.  2) Mom will drop anything to help you out of a jam.  3) There is no need to care about your job because Mom will do that for you as well.

Let’s replay the scenario as if we are coaching toward adulthood.  What might it look like?  In other words, what do I wish I had done differently based on what I know now?  

Let’s start where I left off.  Let’s assume it played out exactly as I stated, but now I want to think differently about parenting and the coaching process.

  1. That evening, when my son came home from work, I should have had this conversation.  “Son, I’ve been thinking about what happened with me looking for your keys before you went to work this afternoon.  I realized that I’ve been doing you a disservice.  I want to help you think like an adult.  I can’t believe you are going to be 18 in a year!  I think I’ve been taking emotional responsibility for things that I know you are capable of handling on your own.  Starting now, I am passing the baton to you so that you will learn to own the things for which you are responsible.”  I would have then laid out a plan with him by asking questions.  What do you think would insure you get to work on time?  How could you make sure you had your keys and wallet?  And then I might make suggestions to tweak his plan.
  2. The next time he goes to work I would not say anything unless he is already running a little late (And I’d coach him to hurry up.) “Honey, did you tell me you had to be at work at 4:00?”  I would then leave the room.  Making it a question rather than a statement allows him to pause for the answer and not feel indicted for messing up.
  3. If he asks about the keys, I would respond with something like, “I don’t know, honey.  When did you last see them?”  And then I would continue to do whatever I was doing.
  4. If needed, I would have another ‘how can you help yourself be successful here’ conversation after he gets home from work.

Helping our kids mature is about us not taking ownership for the things they should own themselves.  Better to lose a $10/hour job and learn something about punctuality than to have a six digit career that goes up in flames because they can’t be counted on. 

Our kids need to learn the skills necessary to be a successful adult under our roof.  That means we teach “adulting” by not always stepping into their opportunities to respond in a mature way.  May I suggest that each time we are asked to do something for them we need to pause and ask ourselves a few questions before we respond.

  • Is this an adult skill my teen needs to learn?
  • Am I making the decision to get involved so my child won’t suffer or be viewed negatively?
  • Do I care more about the outcome of this situation than my teen does?  If so, why?

If the answer to any of the questions is yes, it might be wise to step back and let our teen potentially fail.  After all, that’s what becoming an adult is all about.  Our teens need to learn the boundaries of acceptable behavior and also the consequences when they don’t meet life’s demands.

“Adulting” means: 

  • I take care of myself. 
  • I will ask for assistance or guidance when I don’t understand. 
  • I will get myself out of bed and get to school/work on time.
  • I will not engage in so many activities that I can’t do for myself what needs to be done — laundry, fix my own snack, homework, job, and other things that impact me.
  • I will sacrifice other things to get the rest that I need.
  • And whatever you as a parent require. 

Galatians 6:5

For each will have to bear his own load.

Dare you to ask yourself if you are handicapping your teens and holding them back from becoming adults.

Double Dare you to make changes that help your teens become adults.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How Important Is It That My Teens Clean Their Room?

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Whether or not to make a teen clean their room is a topic that almost always comes to the surface whenever I lead parenting groups.  There are usually parents in both camps–‘it’s not a hill worth dying on’ versus the ‘I can’t stand the mess’ moms.

Do you just close the door and hope that someone doesn’t show up to declare that part of the house condemned?

Do you break down and clean it yourself when your kid isn’t home claiming that it is the last time you are going to do it?  

Or do you stand firm letting your kids know that there will be no freedom until the room is clean?  No ifs, ands, or buts allowed.

Yes, it is quite the dilemma.

We want to have relationship with our kids and don’t want the battle of cleanliness to come between us, yet we struggle with what their messiness will mean for their future.  We make rules like “no food in your room” or “if clothes are not in the laundry, they won’t get washed”, yet we’re frustrated when the rules aren’t followed. 

So what can we do to solve the issue?  Where should we draw the line?  And how can we make sure we don’t pendulum swing (meaning you can get by with it this week, but next week I’ll probably be yelling at you for not cleaning it)?  Or better yet, why is it even important?

Believe it or not, the task of keeping their room clean can build an inner strength that we as parents might not even think about.

  • It forces our kids to persevere through to accomplishment–the room needs to be completely clean before I leave.
  • It teaches self-control–maybe I should put the trash in the garbage can and pick up my clothes daily so I don’t have the mess at the end of the week.
  • It teaches our kids to resist distractions–I’ll turn my phone off until I get this finished.
  • It helps them learn to stick to their decisions–I’ll do it after school or on Saturday.
  • It helps them decide what is necessary and what is not–I don’t need this gadget any more or I don’t like these pants so I’ll get rid of them.

One of the things that has blown me away over the last few years while I have been in more college dorm halls than any mother should have to endure is the amount of “stuff”.  Our kids have grown up with the attitude that more is better.  

Does a college student really need a 50 inch TV in a less than 130 square feet space?  Do they really need to bring all their clothes and makeup and 15 pair of shoes?  What are we really teaching our kids by allowing it? 

Maybe it’s too hard to keep their room clean because there is too much that is truly unnecessary.

Another question I usually ask in these parenting groups is what the kids’ schedules look like.  Are they so busy that they don’t have time to keep their room clean?  

What does the family schedule look like?  Are we encouraging fun instead of responsibility?  Yes, we want them to have friends and the teamwork they learn in sports or other activities can be really good.  A part-time job can teach responsibility and how to handle money.  Again, good.  But is it too much?  And too unstructured?

Is the schedule so jam-packed with the emphasis on friends, fun, and accomplishment that basic skills are being put on the back burner and seen as irrelevant?

The other thing we talk about in these groups is consistency.  

Whatever the rule is regarding the level of cleanliness for our teen’s room, do we breed consistency in a way that turns the chore into an automatic execution?  

Shaunti Felhahn and Lisa Rice share some insight in their book For Parents Only with regard to rules in our homes.  Seventy-seven percent of the teens said they wanted parents who not only set the rules but followed up to make sure they were executed.  

Think about that.  How many times do we tell our teen to go clean their room and then we never inspect it afterword?  It means we aren’t holding them accountable nor are we being consistent in allowing them to go do the next thing if we just assume they’ve completed what we ask.  Yes, it means we are breeding inconsistency and a lack of follow-through.  And I’ll admit to being that parent at times.

A wise counselor had a great idea that we chose to adopt when it came to our teens keeping their rooms clean.  Choose a consistent day each week that will be “inspection” day–say Thursday at 2:00.  If the room is clean and meets the family standard, then they can have fun on the weekend.  If it doesn’t meet the standard, the parent will tell them what still needs to be done. Then they have “grace” until  2:00 on Friday or another chosen time.  At 2:00 Friday there will be a second inspection if needed.  At that time it either meets the criteria or the teen is home for the weekend.  If the second inspection requires Mom to intervene and clean, then any mess goes into a tub and is not available until the teen earns it back by a certain number of “clean” inspections.

What is important is the upfront communication if you decide to do something like this.

  1. “Honey, I know that you seem to really be struggling with keeping your room clean on a regular basis.  Why do you think that is?  Then listen.  Maybe your teen can identify the problem and offer suggestions.
  2. “One of my jobs as a parent is to help you mature into a responsible adult.  Cleaning up after yourself is something you will always need to be responsible for.  I’m sure your spouse won’t want to pick up after you all the time–and I guarantee your college roommate won’t do it.”  This is where laughter comes in handy.
  3. “Your dad and I have been talking about how we’ve not been consistent in following through and helping you mature in this area.  I’m sorry for that and want to get it right.  I want to help you learn these skills now so they will be automatic when you move out.”  Apology says we are taking ownership for our part and helps us not play the blame game.  Using “I” language here is important.
  4. “What your dad and I have decided might help.”  Explain the plan and expect opposition.
  5. “Honey, you want to have freedom right?  With freedom comes responsibility.  These are skills you will need when you go into the workforce.  Yes, cleaning your room might be boring, but it breeds organizational skills and perseverance.  It teaches you to stay focused on a task to completion.”
  6. “Think about the process we’re planning to use.  If you think checking on Wednesday is better than Thursday, then we might be open to that.  I want this to be win/win for both of us. Nagging you to clean your room is not the relationship I want to foster.  I want you to like me when you move out.”  Again, laughter.

Two things are really important here:  1) timing for the discussion you are going to have — maybe do it over a trip to the local coffee shop? and 2) make sure you follow up on when you will start implementing.  Listen to their ideas on the when and how it will be done and accommodate their requests if possible.

Remember that our job as parents is to equip our kids to become mature adults while maintaining the relationship.  While it isn’t always an easy endeavor, if we can think through our typical battles, we’ll find ways to strengthen our relationship in what can be the difficult years of parenting.

Proverbs 3:1-4

My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you peace and prosperity.  Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.  Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. 
“Let go…and Let God”,
Learning to communicate with our kids in a way that strengthens the relationship isn’t always easy.  If you like the ideas in my blog, why not join me in the With All Due Respect eCourse offered by Greater Impact Ministries?  There you will find video teaching and other moms to support you in your parenting journey.  We have a private Facebook community where we go through the dares and talk through each of the participants’ parenting issues.  You’ll learn from each other and from the moms who have gone before you.  Women tell me all the time how much they grow in their relationship with Jesus Christ as they go through the book.  It will help you in your relationship with Him, with your spouse, and with your kids.  Dare ya!
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are You Making Sense of Your Truth for Your Kids?

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I remember a time when my kids were excited about extended family coming to our house to stay for a week.  It was an annual occurrence that would be a happy yet dreaded time of the year for me.  On the one hand, I was looking forward to the time to reconnect, but as time drew near to their imminent arrival, the noose would feel tighter.  I would feel the tension in the back of my neck and that awful pit in the stomach as I furiously cleaned every corner of my house.  I found myself yelling more at my kids as my stress level escalated because I needed to get the house in order before they arrived.  If it wasn’t perfect, I’d hear about it.

In reality I had not made sense of my own truth.  Instead I would recite bible verses to myself making sure that I hit His standard for who I was supposed to be.

  • Love is patient, love is kind.  (1 Corinthians 13)  Translated: I must be patient and kind in all things this week.
  • Selfless love lays down his life for another.   (John 15:13)  Translated: I must give up my needs and wants in order to love this person while they are in my home.
  • Love one another as I have loved you.  (John 13:34)  Translated: God loves me even when I sin, so I must love this person regardless of the things this person says to me.

And the list went on. 

It was my way of making sure that I was perfect when this person came to visit.  If I was well prepared in advance, maybe this time I could avoid the hurtful comments and constant critique of where I wasn’t measuring up.

After three days of of being scolded, I was typically ready for them to leave.  Regardless of what I had done to prepare, I still wasn’t measuring up.  And let’s face it, it’s hard to be “perfect” for a whole week.  My temper would get the best of me, words would be exchanged, and my kids couldn’t quite make sense of why Mom was so angry.

It took me more than a decade to discover my truth.

The truth was there was unresolved conflict that had simmered for years.  There were family secrets that I was sworn to keep.  And someone else trying to drive my family’s activities for an entire week was enough to send my well intended scripture verse litany to the far recesses of my brain as I emotionally erupted. 

I had believed the lie that if I could be perfect for one week out of the year when this person came to visit and that I could shield my kids from the pain of my reality.  I could hide the truth about these people in my life.  And even though my desires were honorable–to hold family in high esteem–I couldn’t keep the mask on in front of my kids for an extended amount of time.

It wasn’t until my kids were in their 20’s that the family secrets came out.  One day with tears in her eyes my daughter looked at me and said, “Mom, we never understood why you got so upset when they were here.  What you told us about them and what we saw never matched up.  I’m so sorry for all your pain.  How could you have even allowed them to stay in our home?”

With those words, the light bulb went on.  It had never occurred to me that I had a choice to allow them to stay.  It didn’t dawn on me that I was trying to live a lie of that perfect family for my kids.  In my world of truth, my feelings were to be ignored and not explored.  And I was to humble myself to the point of letting others walk all over me.

Once I stared at truth from a scripture perspective I had a new dawning.

Matthew 22:37-39

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.”

The truth was that in those moments, I was not loving myself.  I was putting more emphasis on being perfect for this person rather than for speaking my own truth and examining my worth through my relationship with Christ.  What this person thought of me was more important than what God says.  I realized I was modeling for my kids that other people have more value and their opinions of me are more important than God’s opinion or desires for me.  He is the creator of my feelings and longings.  I learned to take John 8:32 to heart.

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

I had modeled that being real wasn’t safe.  Being vulnerable and authentic while speaking my truth, didn’t have merit.  It was easier to pretend than be known.

A harsh reality for a woman who wanted to be a Godly mother.

Since that day I spent with my daughter, I’ve learned that to be open and honest with my feelings is a good thing.  It brings connection and healing.  Sharing our truth with our kids (when it is age appropriate), even though they are truths that make us feel shame, can truly set us free and give our kids a deeper understanding of who we are as individuals.  Hiding our true identities out of shame and remorse says that we aren’t worthy of being who God created us to be.  It sets us up to not be truly known by those around us.

It blocks the connection that most of us desire.

The good news is that by learning to be real and authentic as I recognize who I am in Christ, I’ve worked through those fears of not being “good enough”.  Sure, they will rear their ugly head at times, but I now know that I can take my thoughts captive.  I’ve learned that being a doormat brings me nothing but frustration and pain while living in my NOW and being aware of my feelings helps me process the real truth of the moment.  By doing so, I can help my kids see that mom isn’t always perfect and it helps them recognize and accept their own imperfections.

It also helps my kids accept imperfections in others so that they can show empathy and grace to the hurting people they encounter.

Dare you to look to see what realities you are masking for your kids.  Maybe it’s time to be authentic so truth can allow your family freedom to connect on a deeper level.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Learning to be lovingly authentic with those around us takes work.  It means we need to know who we are in Christ while learning skills that will woo others rather than push them away.  Many of us tend to be pendulum swingers.  What I mean by that is that one minute we’re trying to be patient, loving, and kind and then something sets us off to where we are ready to blast a person we love because they have offended us or haven’t complied with our requests.  This applies especially to our relationship with our teens.  We love them unconditionally one minute and can’t wait til they move out the next.  We want our relationship to be really good but at other times we’ve had our fill of their behavior.

Deflating Defensiveness is a course we’ve designed to put an end to the emotional roller coaster.  You will learn how to deal with the other person’s emotion while you take care of yourself in the heat of the battle.  You’ll learn what works to draw you closer together in the moment.

May 30-June 3 we hope you’ll join us near Cincinnati, Ohio for a Conflict Resolution Training Retreat that will deepen all your relationships.