Learning to Anticipate What’s Next

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I spoke to a mom of a new college student just a few weeks ago.  Her daughter had just come home from college for Christmas break for the first time.  The mom was joy-filled at getting to see her daughter for a couple of weeks, but she talked about how stressful it was on the entire family.  “I’m kind of hoping she’ll decide to get an internship or something for the summer,” she admitted.  “Does that mean I’m a bad mom?”

Most of us don’t know what to expect for those “firsts” that our kids encounter or do we?

Whether it is a driver’s license, a first date, a serious boyfriend, or a holiday home from college, most of us haven’t anticipated our what comes next.  That’s what Dare 23 is all about.  If we are having a sex talk with our daughter after we’ve found out that she’s already been intimate with her boyfriend, that’s when we discover that we haven’t planned far enough ahead.

Most of us are already doing this for the day-to-day of life as a family.  Whether it’s assigned chores or rules that we’ve set in our home with appropriate consequences, we see a need and we put a plan in place to take care of the problem.  You have the skills.  And we know what it takes to get things back on track.

What I’m talking about here are those monumental milestones where things will be different.  It’s anticipating all the conflict that can arise when things are different in your home.  With freedom, our kids will most likely pendulum swing to the far extreme of their grandiose idea of “total freedom” instead of what we as parent’s intended as gradual freedom.

Take my friend, for example.  Her daughter comes home from college with the plan to see all her high school friends.  Late nights (after all, she doesn’t have to study), sleepovers, shopping, a come-and-go-as I please mentality just like she had at college. Meanwhile mom was dreaming of time to bake cookies together and fun trips out–just the two of them–like old times.

Two totally different plans for what Christmas break was going to be like.

The reality was that dad still needed to get up for work every day even though the garage door was opened at 2 am by their unthinking daughter.  The girl’s brother was still in school and trying to study for exams.  With the daughter bringing friends home, the laughing and giggling was making it hard for her son to concentrate.  And mom was frustrated and disappointed that her dreams and expectations from her daughter weren’t turning out as she planned.

Dare 23 is all about the up-front dialogue; planning ahead and anticipating the potential pitfalls.

It’s all about communication — in advance.

My experience with moms is that most of us don’t know what we don’t know so we just let things happen and then deal with the conflict later.  Another thing we fail to do is get dad involved in these monumental decisions and plan together.

Several years ago I was talking to a mom while I was getting my hair cut.  Her first daughter was getting ready to graduate from high school.  This mom announced, “I’ve told my girls that I pay for things until they are 18.  College is on them.  My husband and I have paid for the best private school in the area to help them be successful in life.  What they do with that is up to them.”

Whether you agree with their decision to pay for college or not isn’t the point.  What is important here is that both parents had agreed on a plan up front, they put the plan for college in motion before the girls even took their first step into the halls of the high school, and communication was on-going with every choice the girls made with regard to their college selection.

That’s parenting ahead.

Proverbs 16:9

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.

Proverbs 21:5

The plans of the diligent certainly lead to profit, but anyone who is reckless certainly becomes poor.

Proverbs 21:5 can apply to relationships as well as money.  Our relationships will blossom with our kids if we can anticipate conflict before it happens and begin the communication process early.

Dare you to anticipate the next big milestone with your teens and tweens.  Start the communication process now so they will know what to expect.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Communication is key in all our relationships.  And learning to deflate the defensiveness with our kids and reduce the conflict and stress in our homes is paramount.  Wouldn’t you like to have a more peaceful home where the stress of the day to day interactions can calmly be resolved?  Knowing our kids, anticipating ahead, and making small changes in our communication can have a huge impact with our tweens, teens, and our 20-somethings.  

We’ve put together a training retreat where in three days  you can learn the skills that will radically transform your home.  Not only will we teach you how to implement these new skills, but you’ll have an opportunity to practice them in an encouraging environment away from judgment.  You’ll have time to refresh your soul in a park-like setting where you will be encouraged to unpack the “now” you are in and learn how to start over with a different perspective.

Here’s what women are saying about our Deflating Defensive Training Retreat:

“It was like the light-bulb finally went off! I’ve read a mountain of books, but this approach is different. Learning in-person from the trainers made all the difference.   I wasn’t able to understand until they modeled it for me and gave me someone to mirror. That’s the thing that was life-changing for me!”

“The retreat taught me how to interact positively with family members who have a history of attacking me verbally… I learned the tools to use when this happens. And it worked when a recurring irritant happened just days ago with an important person in my life!”

“I’ve already encouraged my sister to come with me to the next one.” 

We hope you’ll consider joining us this year!  We promise your relationships will grow in ways you never thought possible.

 

You Want Me to Respect My Kid?

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Just the idea that we should respect our kids can rile any parent.  After all, what we really want is for our kids to respect us and typically that doesn’t happen often as our kids move into the teen years.   Many have told me it is counter cultural, and as one mom put it, counter instinctive.

Think for a moment what the biblical mandate is for us as parents.  We are to “train” our children in the way they should go.  Watching us “model” respect should breed respect.  

The other thing we need to think about is what we are trying to cultivate in our homes.  We should be trying to foster “trust” with our children so that as they grow they will come to see us as trustworthy and full of wisdom.

Trust is built out of respect.

Whether you are part of an intact family, a blended family, a foster family, or an adoptive family, trust needs to be the foundation and respect is the key.

Let’s think through it from a child growth perspective.

When an infant enters the world, mom tries to develop a connection with her baby through meeting the child’s needs.  A cry, a laugh, or a yawn will signal to mom the  need and most likely she will be there to soothe the baby.  She doesn’t chastise the baby for crying, she doesn’t scold a newborn for messing his diaper, she respects the fact that she is there to be in tune with his needs.  He has wants and needs that she instinctively meets regardless of how tired she is or what she would rather be doing.  She selflessly is there to serve.  With that, the foundation for trust is built.

As the infant becomes a child she typically sees mom as someone to please.  The connection is strong if trust has been instilled in the earlier years.  Mom usually gives more opportunity for choices because most choices  don’t have long-term, high-stake consequences at this point.  These are the years where we laugh, play, and enjoy life as a family if all goes well.  Respect from most children during this phase of parenting seems to be a non-issue.  Because these times tend to have few conflicts, two way respect is easy to maintain.  We bond in ways that make us happy to be together and we sometimes delight in their every accomplishment.

Then something happens.  These cute, fun, respectful kids, turn into tweens and teens who are in a power struggle.  It is a time when they need to learn to use power correctly and we need to model it well.  Unfortunately, they push our buttons and unfortunately too many times we push back.  Rather than see respect as a tool in our toolbox to use with these kids, we forget and sometimes move to authoritative power.  I’ll admit that “because I said so” has been known to come out of my mouth.  Or we angrily issue consequences or more rules–anything to fix the problem.  Often, because of the success of the childhood years, we’ve now wrapped our identity up in these kids.  We’re enamored with each accomplishment.  And then it seems that they turn on us in the midst of the power struggle.  Now we feel the need to control because it is not only their well-being at stake but our reputation as a parent as well.

And we either reach an impasse or  give into their demands.  

We sometimes forget as parents that when conflict arises, rather than attacking or avoiding we need to make sure that our relational circuits are fully engaged. We need to love them and respect them as separate human beings. We need to understand that our teens are learning to think like adults when we as the real adults are not always acting like adults.  In essence, we aren’t modeling respect so we aren’t getting respect.

In the case where attachment hasn’t been fully developed or those strong-willed kids emerge early, trust still needs to be established.  That is when respect and consistency in correction is key.

So what does respect look like as we parent?

To the infant:  I will meet your need regardless of how I feel.  The emotion I show you is full of love, joy, and acceptance.

To the child:  I recognize that you are learning and I will give grace in the learning.  The emotion I show you is full of love, joy, and acceptance.  If I behave otherwise, I will apologize.

To the tween and teen:  I recognize that you are becoming an adult and you are learning to make adult-like choices.  I will continue to show you love, joy, and acceptance and in the event that I get upset I will apologize and try to reconcile our differences.  I will respect the fact that you are still learning and growing and won’t always see the world in the same manner that I see the world. Respect means that I will not be directive but will coach you as you learn.  I will accept that we are different and allow you to make  mistakes while I am here to offer a protective landing place.  Respect means more freedom for the kid and as a parent I choose to not live in fear.

To the 20-something:  I recognize that you are an adult, an equal who can stand on their own two feet without me looking over your shoulder.  I will continue to show you love, joy, and acceptance and in the event that I get upset I will apologize and try to reconcile our differences.  You have your own choices to make and life to live.  Respect mean no longer giving advice unless I am asked.  Respect means having boundaries when it comes to finances or other things that you might need from me so that you can continue to grow and mature.  I will respectfully communicate what I desire our relationship to be and will let go of any expectations that I am holding onto for your life.  My hope is that I have respected you well as you have grown and that you will trust me as one of your sources of wisdom.

None of us will be perfect as we try to model respect for our kids and times of conflict will definitely challenge us to respect our child as the “gift” that God has given us.  It is counter cultural and counter intuitive.  And respect is rarely modeled in today’s society.

Ephesians 4:32

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. 

Matthew 12:36

But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken.

Dare you to think about what respect could look like in your home and model it to build trust and deeper relationships.  

Double dare you to ask your tweens and teens what respect looks like to them.  Apologize for any times they bring up when they didn’t feel respected by you.  This is a great way to re-initiate building trust in your family.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Conflict seems to skyrocket during the tween and teen years, not only with our kids but with our spouses as well.  The power struggle, the question of how should I handle it this time, and the frustration as we find ourselves raising our voices, issuing ultimatums, and living in fear of what tomorrow might hold can sometimes be overwhelming.

There are skills that we can learn and Greater Impact Ministries can help.  Deflating Defensiveness is a workshop that will teach you the important skills of respect and will help you understand the components that help bridge even the most difficult relationships.  We offer a safe, encouraging, fun environment that will help your skill level take a vertical leap in a short amount of time.

Join us on September 6-7 in Milford, Ohio.  Women from around the country will be joining us as we learn to deflate the defensiveness that sometimes results from conflict handled poorly.  Now there is hope for all your relationships–even the difficult ones.  

Click here for more information.  Price includes a private room overnight accommodation and three meals in a beautiful retreat setting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are You Helping or Enabling Your Kids?

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Most of us would do anything for our kids.  We want them to be happy.  We want them to say we were always there for them.  We want them to be successful in school, in sports, and in relationships.  Our desire is for our kids to be the best they can be and compete at the highest level.  Yet, I wonder if instead of helping we are stunting their growth.  Are we enabling them to not take care of themselves because they know that we will be there to provide for them no matter what?

What is our real desire for our kids for their future?

And how do we raise kids who become mature adults who can think for themselves, solve their own problems, and have a desire to get ahead in life?

Last week there was a video on Facebook that was priceless and I think could teach all of us a thing or two about helping instead of enabling.  A baby elephant had slid into a stream and struggled over and over to pull himself up onto flat land.  The problem was that the ground where he was trying to get out had become so wet and muddy that it became a slide that would not allow him a firm grip.  Over and over he slid back into the stream.  At one point you could tell he seemed to be getting tired.  He quit trying.  He paced back and forth as if he was doing some self-talk.  Frustrated at his circumstance he kept circling lowering his trunk into the water.  He paused.  

Then he decided to try again. 

This time as the camera panned out we could see his mother from a distance coaxing him to try harder.  After much time she slowly walked toward him and seemed to hug him as she took her trunk and wrapped it with his.  Knowing nothing about elephants I wondered if she would try to pull him out with her strong trunk.  

But she didn’t.  She actually backed away several feet.

I could almost hear her.  “You can to this!  Come on.  Try again.”

After a few more rounds of slipping, mama elephant slid into the water, encouraged him to try again, and then behind him proceeded to give him a little nudge.  With that, he made it to higher ground.

The question that most of us need to ask ourselves is “At what point do we intervene with our kids and how much assistance do we give?”  Intervening too quickly and and with too much assistance moves us from helping to enabling.   

Sometimes we need to allow our kids to fail so they can actually learn from their mistakes.

Enabling allows our kids be irresponsible.  We intervene so they won’t suffer the consequences of their choices.   Sometimes we think we are showing our kids love by helping with homework or picking up after them or giving them money rather than encouraging them to get a job, but will that well-intended help cause them to realize that someone will always be there to bail them out?  What will be the consequences of our actions for their future mate?  Will they be looking for a mom-figure who they think should bail them out causing marital conflict for their future?

If you are a mom who likes to help your kid, maybe it is time to do some soul searching.  What is the driving force behind the extra help that you give your kids?  If your kid is successful have you bought into the lie that it means you are a good mom?  Is the extra help because you don’t believe your kid can do it on his own?  Or maybe you aren’t willing to trust God with your child? 

This isn’t an attempt at condemnation.  It is an honest assessment by you about you.  Is it time to let your kid be more responsible for his stuff.  Is he the owner of his to-do list or are you owning it?  

I know.  

I’ve been there.

And, yes, oh that realization hurts.  OUCH!  But sometimes painful self-assessment can push us to do things differently.

Here are 4 ways to move from enabling to helping:

  • Assess where you might be enabling and make a choice to back off.  Be sure to communicate with your teen that you feel like you might be hindering their future and that you want to help them mature.  Let them know when this will go into affect.
  • Ease your child into their new reality.  Too many times parents see that they are doing too much for their kids and make a statement that they are no longer going to do XYZ to help. It can come off as harsh and shuts down the relationship. Sometimes it is better to take baby steps as we try to wean our kids into their new mature behavior.
  • Be their cheerleader.  Send them a text, cheer them on, give them a hug, and let them know you think they can be successful.  It is important to remember that cheerleaders don’t take the ball and try to score.  Once you’ve communicated that it is their game, don’t take the ball back.  If they lose the first game, there is always another opportunity.
  • When they are stuck, give them a nudge from behind (that’s elephant speak 🙂 ) If you see your kid floundering, offer suggestions, and be ready to get in their space to give a nudge in the right direction.  

I was talking to a mom recently about her kid that she used to bail out because he would get behind on homework assignments and everything would be due at the same time.  When I asked her how things were going, she told me–‘great’.  “He seems to finally be grasping where my boundary is in helping vs. enabling.  When he comes in needing help with schoolwork, I ask him to take a calendar and decide when he is going to do each assignment.  It is forcing him to make some tough choices between fun activities and grades.”

Whether it is doling out money or giving our kids a ride to school when they could be taking the bus or helping with homework, our kids need to be learning that we’re here to help them be successful not make their life easy.

If we aren’t careful we will believe the lie from the Enemy that our job as parents is to pave the way for our kids such that they don’t stumble or experience frustration or pain.  

Galatians 6:5 

For each will have to bear his own load.

2 Thessalonians 3:10

For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat.

Dare you to assess where you might be enabling rather than helping and choose to do things differently.  Doing so might help you raise the mature adult that you desire.

“Let go…and let God”,

What to become a MASTER at handling conflict with your kids?  Want to grow as a woman and help others grow in their relationship with God and their families?  Whether you are influencing others in your home or wanting to help other women who are stuggling in their relationships, we’ll help you develop skills that will give you opportunity to be all He created you to be.  Titus 2 Leadership Boot Camp

 

When Deadlines Become Critical

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Student information form

Shelly was watching with bated breath.  Her son Justin had just turned 18 in the middle of his last year of high school and senioritis was setting in big time.  Not only did school seem to be losing its importance, but his behavior exuded that “you can’t make me because I’m an adult” and was affecting the entire family.  The heated exchanges between Justin and her husband Kerry were beginning to escalate and Shelly was beginning to admit that she was ready for her son to go off to college. Having two men under the same roof with the younger trying to prove his independence was taking a toll on everyone.

The latest escapade was over college applications. Kerry thought Justin needed to take responsibility for them himself, while Justin was dragging his feet. After last night’s fiasco between the two, Shelly decided she needed to talk with Kerry. He was becoming so emotional about the situation she was concerned about what the future of his relationship with his son would hold.

Behind closed doors, Shelly gingerly brought up the topic.

“Shelly, if he really wants to go to college, then he needs to take responsibility for filling out the paperwork! I never would have made it to college if I had waited for my parents to do it for me! Deadlines are coming up. If he wants to go to school, then it is up to him!”

“Kerry, I do understand your point. You’re right. You had to grow up quickly given your situation at home. I can see why you think he should take responsibility of it on his own.”

“Well, I guess he has two days to fill it out…and I’m not doing it.”

“Honey, do you want him to go to college?”

“Absolutely!”

“Maybe he doesn’t fully grasp the magnitude of the situation.”

“What’s there not to understand? It’s pretty basic! You don’t fill out applications, you don’t go to college! I’m finished talking to him about it. He’s on his own!”

Later that evening, Shelly decided to talk to Justin about the applications. Things obviously weren’t going well with him and Kerry.

“Justin, I’m sorry about your conversation with your dad earlier. Can we talk about the college applications?”

“Mom, I really don’t want to talk. I know, I need to get them done.”

“Will you just give me a few minutes of your time? I’d like you to hear my perspective.”

“I’ve only got a few minutes, Mom. Jeff is picking me up soon to run through our lines for the senior play.”

“Could you be home by 9:00 and we’ll talk then?”

“Sure. That should work. Jeff has to pick up his younger sister from some Girl Scout thing, so I’m sure we’ll be finished by then.”

“Thanks, honey! We’ll talk then.”

Later that evening…

“Justin, how important is college to you?”

“Mom, you know I’m going to college next year. I just need to fill out the stupid paperwork.”

“Do you know when the deadline is?”

“Uh…I don’t know.”

“Do you realize that if it isn’t filled out and mailed within two days, you probably won’t be going to college next fall?”

“Are you sure? I thought I had more time! There are more than 20 pages to some of those forms!”

“I know, honey.”

“Mom, I’ve got a calculus test on Friday and a speech in English tomorrow! I’ll never get it done in time.”

“Maybe we can do it together Friday after school? If we express mail it Saturday morning, it should make it by Monday’s deadline.”

“Thanks, Mom! I know I should have done this earlier. I’ll come straight home after school on Friday.”

PROVERBS 31:26-28

She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed…

Communication is important as we weather the storms that brew in our households. Sometimes we forget that our teens’ brains haven’t fully developed even though they’ve reached the legal age of adulthood. Maturity comes at different stages for each of our kids and a wise parent understands when our kids need our help. Turning things over to them and walking away can sometimes backfire in ways that have an impact on everyone for life. Understanding where you teen is at emotionally and offering help might be exactly what they need to catapult them forward.

“Let go…and let God,”

Frantic with Last Minute Christmas Shopping?

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My guess is that even with Christmas less than a week away, many of us are still frantic trying to make sure we get those last minute gifts for our tweens and teens.  If your kids are anything like mine, something seems to happen in our teens’ brains the week before Christmas.  Those synapses that didn’t seem to be fully functioning as the semester came to a close suddenly switch into high gear. Without prompting, it’s as if a whole new Christmas list begins to  emerge.

Just when I think my shopping is done, I sometimes find out that what I’ve already purchased is no longer on the Christmas list.  Things that have never before been mentioned become all they want under the tree.

And we question our purchases and run back out to the store to get the “special” gift.  After all, most of us don’t want our kids to be disappointed on Christmas day.

Last week my son and I were in the car together talking about what he might get his siblings for Christmas.  Of course, the conversation turned to what he was hoping would be under the tree for him.  I listened in disbelief as he told me that all he wanted was two items.  The crazy part for me was that I had no idea those two things were even on his list even though he assured me he had mentioned them several times.

So I do what most parents do.  I debate with myself.  Do I take back an item and replace it with the new wish or do I just add to my Christmas budget rationalizing that Christmas only comes once a year?

And then a Christmas memory surfaces from when my kids were teens.  The latest requested gift was not under the tree.  Some of you might remember the video game Rock Band that was out several years ago.  It came with electronic drums, a guitar, and a microphone.  Yes, there was some disappointment that it wasn’t under the tree, but then something amazing happened.

I think for the first time in history all of my kids agreed on something.  They agreed they needed Rock Band.  Then they devised their own plan.  They pooled their money (not equally, but as each one could afford), and they decided together to purchase the game.  My husband and I had no part in the discussion.  They worked it all out on their own and they had the most awesome Christmas break ever!  They took turns playing guitar, drums, or doing vocals and they laughed like I’d never seen before.

It made me realize what we would have missed if we had put the game under the tree.

Almost a decade later, if we talk about Christmas memories, that one is the first to surface.  They learned some valuable lessons that year.  

  • They learned that Mom and Dad are not always going to supply every want under the tree.
  • They learned to deal with disappointment on Christmas day.
  • They learned problem solving and negotiation skills.

And most of all–they created an awesome memory that will be remembered for a lifetime.

We all know that Christmas is not about the gifts–but is that how we parent?  Are we more focused on giving our kids exactly what they want at that moment in time or are we focused on the memories that will remain even after the gift has lost its appeal?

Many of you have probably seen the IKEA video that went viral on Facebook.  While the kids in the video are certainly younger than  tweens and teens, I’m guessing that in reality if that experiment was done with our kids, we’d see similar results.  

Dare you to contemplate what memories you want your kids to have on Christmas morning or throughout the holiday season and decide if the frantic trip to the mall might be sending the wrong message.

Enjoy the holidays with your family and friends!

“Let go…and let God”,

Have you gotten your copy of With All Due Respect yet?  The Kindle Version is only $1.99 through the end of the year.  It’s parenting self-discovery training in book form and a great way to start off the new year.  If you want to start a group, email me at debbiehitchcock@greaterimpact.org. and I’ll send you a draft of the small group leader’s guide for free.  If you’d like someone to walk beside you in your parenting, you can also join us for the With All Due Respect e-Course.   You’ll be encouraged in your parenting and have opportunity to ask questions.  I’ll be joining you on the journey and can’t wait to meet you.  To take advantage of the discount, click here and enter in the code daretoconnect for a $40 savings for a limited time only.

Also, be sure to sign up for your free Parenting Tips! 

 

 

5 Steps to Resetting Christmas Expectations

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christmas-expectations

The other day I found myself in a fast food restaurant  with two teens sitting a booth away.  As I eavesdropped on their conversation, I realized that they were in the same mode I was in!

Here I was sitting with my list of all the things I needed to accomplish to make the holidays perfect.  As I sat making a list of presents to buy and activities we could enjoy together as a family, these two boys were planning their perfect Christmas break.

“I’m going to move my gaming system down into the basement during Christmas and play games all week.  Hopefully, I’ll get the new controller that I want along with a game.  You can come over and hang out with me and maybe spend a day or two.  I’m also going to invite Josh and Simon.  I wish I could be Ryan this year.  Then I would be sure to get all the gaming gear I want for Christmas.  His parents are both PhD’s with great jobs.  He’s set for life and can get whatever he wants…”

And the conversation continued.

But I stopped listening.

The light bulb in my head was shining brightly.  Wow!  I wonder what his parents are doing to combat his expectations?

How many times do we as parents plan the perfect holiday season while our kids are off doing the same thing.  I’m sure this kid’s parents didn’t envision him spending his Christmas break holed up in his basement with his gaming system and all his friends.  I’m guessing all the boys that he is planning to invite have parents that are making family plans as well.

So what will most likely happen?

Conflict and lots of unrealized expectations!

It’s natural to have expectations and planning does need to take place before the holidays arrive, but what are we as parents doing to set expectations–realistic expectations–for both us and our teens?

A couple of years ago, my oldest son and his wife were coming home for the holidays.  Since I hadn’t seen them in a while, I absolutely couldn’t wait to have all my kids home for Christmas–it was a treat that only came around every two years.  I had set my expectations on all the fun things we would do as a family.  

And then my expectation bubble burst.  

Yes, they were coming home but they were bringing his wife’s sister and my son’s best friend.

“What?  For the holidays?  But that should be family time” was ringing in my head.  “How are there going to be intimate one-on-one conversations when we are entertaining guests?  Christmas morning will be weird with others watching our family open presents.”

And the list of objections went on…

Not only did my expectations clash with my son and his wife’s expectations, but I realized that my other children also had expectations of what Christmas would be like.  They couldn’t wait for their brother to come home in anticipation of all they cool things they would do together.  

I could see my youngest’s heart was heavy with disappointment as he realized that his brother’s time would be spent with his friend and not with him–a cruel reality in his mind.

It became a time of expectation readjustment–for everyone.

So how do you get everyone on the same page with expectations before school is out and the holidays begin?

  1. Plan a family time to have conversation–if not together at least separately.  Be sure to include kids that are away at college and those that are married.  Find out what each person is hoping for when you all are together.
  2. Set expectations early and stress the importance of flexibility.  Let everyone know that not every dream for their holiday can be met fully.  
  3. Let everyone know the non-negotiables.  For example, if dinner is on Christmas Eve with grandma then that might mean family only.  Period.  There will be other times during the holiday to include friends.
  4. Make sure everyone is in on the plan early rather than the day of the event.  Let each person know when they will have free time to do their thing.
  5. Make sure everyone has plenty of time to “grieve” their expectations before the holidays begin.  Time gives the person time to readjust the dream versus the reality.

As my youngest got used to the idea that his brother was bringing guests for Christmas, he had to “grieve” his expectations.  I’ll admit, I grieved with him.  For him and for me.  But what I discovered was I needed to allow him to express his disappointment.  We talked frequently about what he was going to miss about the one-on-one time.  And then we put words to his desires with his brother.

“What is one thing that you could do with your brother that would be special?” I asked.  As he contemplated that, it helped him to reset his expectations of the holiday season.  

For me, I knew that I wanted at least one moment where my oldest where I could just have deep conversation   without interruption–just our special time together.   Once I shared those desires, it became an expectation that my son was more than willing to fill.  We went to his favorite restaurant while my husband entertained our guests.  It filled my soul.

That Christmas had a profound affect on our family.  It helped us be more flexible in our expectations of the holiday season.  It also forced communication in dealing with disappointment by verbalizing “one thing” that was import so that our  expectations would be lowered which meant less conflict.

For us, we also discovered that having friends join the festivities during the holiday season took the focus off the gifts and made it about connection.  What we got was the “best” of the Christmas season and memories that will last a lifetime.

Dare you to start having your holiday expectation discussions today with your kids.  Find out what everyone wants and put a plan in place early so that there is time to reset expectations of the season.

“Let go…and let God”,

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Why not buy your family a gift during the holiday season that will impact your relationship?  With All Due Respect was written with families in mind.  It is guaranteed to stretch you as a parent as you navigate the tween and teen years while deepening your relationship with Jesus Christ.  Whether you are in the sweet spot of your kid’s lives or they are making you crazy with their never-ending attitude, With All Due Respect will help you define a healthy relationship with your kids for years to come.  

Also available is our e-Course where you can get encouragement from me and other moms who are on the parenting journey.  I so appreciate you being here and would like to offer you a discount on our course.  The coupon code is daretorespect.