Does Your Family Have Free Time?

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Reading through an assignment for her small group on Tuesday morning, Alison was surprised at the emotion she was feeling. It had been years since her kids were that young. In fact, all her children were in college now. But, oh, how she would have done things differently! She wished she had created time to stain that play set. She wished she had planned their family time better. She wished that she had not bought into the lie that she needed to always keep her kids busy during the tween and teen years “so they wouldn’t get into trouble.”

As she sat there deep in thought the memories came flooding back–especially the warnings she had chosen to ignore.

She remembered a time when she and Mary Anne sat on the playground with their younger children while each of their older sons were practicing soccer. The season had been coming to an end and both moms had been ready for a slower pace. The coach had pulled a couple of the parents aside to offer their sons a place on a select team the following year. “Your boys are ready!” he said. “I hope they’ll choose to play with us. Let me know by the end of the week. We’ll probably practice some until it gets too cold.”

Alison had talked to several of the parents about what their decision would be for the coming season. Most of the parents were excitedly signing up for the opportunity for more playing time for the boys. They felt honored that their sons were “chosen” for the select team. Mary Ann had a different perspective though.

“What? You’re not going to let him play?” Alison couldn’t believe what Mary Ann was saying to her!

“No, Ryan and I are going to take Lily’s advice. You know Lily don’t you? She’s the woman down the street with the boys that are grown. Anyway, one day we had lunch together and she said if she could do one thing over as a parent, she would hold off on the intensive sports as long as possible. In fact, she said she would have really scrutinized the number of activities her children were allowed to be involved in.”

“Why’s that?”

“She told me–family time. She felt like she was a marionette to her kid’s sports and activities schedules and she wished she had carved out more family time. She said she wished her family hadn’t always been in a mad rush to get to the kids’ events.”

Alison remembered blowing off Mary Ann’s comment about Lily’s advice. Alison knew her own children. She wanted them to be the best they could be; so she signed their son up for the select team.

As she continued to sit with her assignment opened, tears started rolling down her cheeks. She quickly brushed them away. It was so sad to think of what could have been. Just last week she had seen the neighbors down the street frantically trying to load the three kids in two different cars so they could be at two separate games at the same time. With Mom heading one direction and Dad heading another, poor little Samuel was having to choose which parent he would go with. She heard him begging to go to a friend’s house instead while his mom yelled at him to get in the car or else!

“Sports were good for kids,” she thought to herself. “It’s just that we chose to do too much.  Oh how I wish we had put limits on them.  Maybe there would be friendship between the siblings now if I had done things differently.  All they seem to do is be on the go.  I guess that’s what I taught them.”

Rushing…rushing…rushing seemed to be the pace of their lives once the kids hit junior high and high school. There was no time to model what family was all about. There was little time to do family things outside of the kids’ activities. If she had to do over, Alison would have saved time and taught the kids the joy of serving others–like staining the play set–together–to surprise dad!  She would have found time to show them that the family was not only about getting them where they needed to be for their activities, but that life was also about balance–taking time to contemplate and enjoy each other.

As Alison was sitting there thinking about what could have been, she wished she had taken heed to Ephesians 5:15 at the time.

Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise,

As parents of tween and teens, we sometimes forget that others have walked before us and have wisdom beyond where we are at the moment. We buy into the lies of the culture that our kids need to spend every waking moment being busy and that we as parents need to allow it.

Dare you and your spouse to start talking about what the family needs rather than planning life around all the kids’ activities. Why not find a project to do together or serve someone else?

“Let go…and let God”,

Christmas Memories

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This has been a year to reflect on our family Christmas memories. With the death of my daughter this year the details of Christmas are more pronounced than ever.  The glaring reminders that it is time to celebrate even though I’m not quite in the mood. 

I’ve found that I am over-consciously aware of my surroundings.  The trees are greener, the decorations more detailed, and I have a sense of every Christmas smell.  Yesterday we had an extended family get-together and someone wrote nutmeg as a reminder of the season.  I could almost smell it in a pumpkin pie even though there wasn’t one in the house.  It is as if my senses are on steroids aware of every particular aspect surrounding me– especially the vacuum deep in my soul.  The hollowness of something missing.  Someone is missing.

As the children’s choir stood on stage this year, I saw our daughter as an 8 years old be-bopping to the music.  As I shopped I saw her as a 13 year old spraying all the scents at the perfume counter deciding which was the best.  I remembered when she came home from college one year and we went Christmas shopping on Black Friday.  We could barely carry all the bags to the car because of all the outfits we bought her for under $50 at the Macy’s sale. 

Memories are everywhere I go with all the details.  And I will admit that not all of them are good.  The things I got upset about.  The frustration I showed in my voice.  The things I could have said differently or the hug that I could have extended in a difficult moment.  You see, at the time, the details weren’t so vivid.  They were lost in the commotion of everything else that had to be done.

And if I can convey anything to you as a mom, “Please don’t let everything else around you be more important than the details with your kids.  The table might not be perfect or the pie might be a little burnt.  You might forget to buy the nuts for Uncle Ted’s favorite cranberry sauce.  But-none-of-it-matters.”

The only thing that matters is what they will remember–what you will remember.

  • If we’re tired and worn out, they’ll remember us yelling at them for the umpteenth time. 
  • If we have one more thing to do, they’ll remember that we didn’t have time for them.
  • If everything isn’t perfect and we let them know, they’ll think they never measure up.
  • If impressing our extended family is more important than our kids’ requests, they’ll feel they aren’t as important as others in the room.

We have the power to change all that.  But it takes looking at the details.  It means we have to look in the mirror at us.  What do we want our children to see?  What do we want their detailed memories to be?

Even though our loss is heavy, I choose to see the flip-side.  Now instead of singing on stage as an 8 year old, my daughter is singing with a choir of real angels glorifying our heavenly Father in person.  She has a front row seat to what the season is all about.  She smells the sweet aroma of sacrifice as she’s dressed in white.

The details of all the Christmas hymns seem to have more meaning to me now.  Even though there is a void, I long to hear the words of the carols.  “We hear the Christmas angels, the great glad tidings tell; O come to us, abide with us, our Lord Emmanuel!”

Now that the crazy busyness is over in preparation for the Christmas season, I hope you’ll take some time to reflect on what this season really means to you and what you want for your kids.  Even if your teens and tweens are in a stage where they are tough to love, try to extend grace in the midst of their struggle.  These are times when we need the strength of our heavenly Father.

Someone sent me an email earlier this week and the words have resonated with me all week.  It’s what I want this Christmas season.

I hope your Christmas is filled with silent moments with the King, and love overflowing to family and friends. 

Silent moments with the King!  That’s what I want.  

Now that Christmas is here, I hope you will rest in Him.  May He be your guide and strength during the season.  And may your silent moments with the King reveal the details of His everlasting love.

Luke 2:14

“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”

May His favor rest on you as you create memories this holiday season.  May you find peace in Him today and be sure to find time to carve out silent moments with the King.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Want to learn how to keep conflict to a minimum with your teens and tweens?  Tired of the mouthiness and fear of what the future may hold for your child?  Maybe you just want a closer relationship and a way to maintain it during the coming years?

We can help you Deflate Defensiveness with your tweens and teens.  You’ll be amazed at the changes these skills will make.  The skills you will learn at our Deflating Defensiveness Training Retreat will help you see a different perspective of the relationship bond.  It is taught by professional trainers who want to help women improve their relationships for the long-haul.  Join us in the suburbs of Cincinnati, Ohio in June.  And be sure to register before December 31 to get the greatest savings.  We promise you’ll be glad you came!

 

 

 

Struggling with Life Balance?

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soccer player doing kick with ball on football stadium field isolated on black background

Reading through With All Due Respect assignment for her small group on Tuesday morning, Alison was surprised at the emotion she was feeling. Her kids had started playing soccer at such a young age. But, oh, how she would have done things differently if she could rewind the clock. She wished she had planned their family time better. She wished that she had not bought into the lie that she needed to always keep her kids busy during the tween and teen years “so they wouldn’t get into trouble.”

As she sat there deep in thought the memories came flooding back…especially the warnings she had chosen to ignore.

She remembered a time when she and Mary Anne sat on the playground with their younger children while each of their older sons were practicing soccer. The season had been coming to an end and both moms had been ready for a slower pace. The coach had pulled a couple of the parents aside to offer their sons a place on a select team the following year. “Your boys are ready!” he said. “I hope they’ll choose to play with us. Let me know by the end of the week. We’ll probably practice some until it gets too cold.”

Alison had talked to several of the parents about what their decision would be for the coming season. Most of the parents were excitedly signing up for the opportunity for more playing time for the boys. They felt honored that their sons were “chosen” for the select team. Mary Ann had a different perspective, though.

“What? You’re not going to let him play?” Alison couldn’t believe what Mary Ann was saying to her!

“No, Ryan and I are going to take Lily’s advice. You know Lily don’t you? She’s the woman down the street with the boys that are in college. Anyway, one day we had lunch together and she said if she could do one thing over as a parent, she would hold off on the intensive sports as long as possible. In fact, she said she would have really scrutinized the number of activities her children were allowed to be involved in.”

“Why’s that?”

“She told me–family time. She felt like she was a marionette to her kid’s sports and activities schedules and she wished she had carved out more family time and that she wished her family hadn’t always been in a mad rush to get to the kids’ events.”

Alison remembered blowing off Mary Ann’s comment about Lily’s advice. Alison knew her own children. She wanted them to be the best they could be; so she signed their son up for the select team.

As she continued to sit with the book opened on her lap, tears started rolling down her cheeks. She quickly brushed them away. It was so sad to think of what could have been. Just last week she had seen the neighbors down the street frantically trying to load the three kids in two different cars so they could be at two separate games at the same time. With Mom heading one direction and Dad heading another, poor little Samuel was having to choose which parent he would go with. She heard him begging to go to a friend’s house instead with Mom yelling at him to get in the car or else!

“Sports were good for kids,” she thought to herself. “It was too bad she had allowed her kids to choose what they wanted to do rather than starting out early and limiting activities.  Now she felt that they were a fragmented family with everyone going in a different direction.”

Rushing. Rushing. Rushing seemed to be the pace of their lives now that the kids were in junior high and high school. There was no time to model what family was all about. There was little time to do family things outside of the kids’ activities. If she had to do over, Alison would have saved time and taught the kids the joy of serving others–like helping their elderly neighbor woman mow her lawn — together.  She would have taught them to put their family first over activity. She would have found time to show them that the family was not only about getting them where they needed to be for their activities–but that life was also about balance.

As Alison was sitting there thinking about what could have been, she wished she had taken heed to Ephesians 5:15 at the time.

Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise,

As parents of tween and teens, we sometimes forget that others have walked before us and have wisdom beyond where we are at the moment. We buy into the lies of the culture that our kids need to spend every waking moment being busy and that we as parents need to allow it.

Dare you and your spouse to start talking about what the family needs rather than planning life around all the kids’ activities. Why not find a project to do together to serve someone else?

“Let go…and let God”,

090414_1816_Dare23TheR2.png

 Sign up for our on-line eCourse which starts September 26, 2016.  You’ll have an opportunity to go through the new book With All Due Respect:40 days to a more fulfilling relationship with your teens and tweens with me and a group of moms just like yourself.  Learn and interact while gaining new communication skills. Be sure to get in on the discounted price while it lasts.  I’ll be available for personal interaction in the class.  Hope you’ll join me.  Click here for more information.

TRD – Dare 20 – Vulnerability? You’ve Got to be Kidding! For Parents of Tweens & Teens

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Sitting on my back patio spending quiet time in the Word, I knew that God was calling me to take a risk. I knew that he was dogging me to volunteer for something that I would love to do. I also knew I was choosing to follow His lead, not just attempt to do something to make me look or feel good. I broached the subject with my husband to see what he thought about the volunteer position.

His response, “Go for it, Honey. Just don’t be hurt if they say ‘no’.”

Ouch! That would be the hard part. What if the person I needed to ask said ‘no’? Could I live with the embarrassment?

Before I put my neck out there, I decided to let my kids know what I was thinking. It would mean that they would need to be responsible for dinner and cleanup one night a week and would need to make sure any homework that needed to be reviewed was complete before 5:00.

Getting the thumbs up on the family front, I ventured the call. Trembling, I decided the make the offer informal. “Would you like to bring your kids over to swim in our neighborhood pool?”

We spent almost two hours sitting by the pool while our tweens swam. The longer we talked, the more comfortable I became at sharing my story. You know the one…the story of all the good, bad, and ugly that had gone in my life and how I thought God was calling me to this ministry. After all, that’s what this ministry was all about! Being brave enough to go out on a limb because God was calling me to action!

As our time came to a close, the ministry leader looked at me and said, “Debbie, I think it is great that God is calling you to do something. Just know that we are fully staffed right now and I really don’t have anything for you to do. Thanks for letting me know. Maybe God’s got something else out there for you.”

My heart nearly dropped out of my chest. It took everything within me to rein my emotion in and keep the tears from falling. Honestly, I wanted to grab her and shake her and tell her that God was asking me to do this! How could she possibly turn me down like that?


At dinner, Dave and the kids couldn’t wait to hear how my meeting went. With bowed head I admitted that they didn’t need me. “I really thought God wanted me to do this. Guess I didn’t have the timing right,” I responded through a cracked voice.

Even though the kids tried to cheer me up telling me what the ministry was missing out on, the lies continued to bombard me. “You aren’t anyone to them. You’re not good enough. What did you think, asking them to be part of the ministry? Now they know what a loser you really are!” And the self-defeating voices continued through the night.

Still in pj’s the next morning, I grabbed my Bible and sauntered into my office to close out the world. God and I needed to have a talk! “Why, God? Why did you have me make a fool of myself?” After letting Him know how frustrated I was and letting Him know that I didn’t understand why He had set me up for failure, His Word came loud and clear:

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

And I kept reading.

Jeremiah 29:12-14

“Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.”

“Lord, I am so sorry. You are right! The lies I’m hearing in my head right now are taking me captive. I am your creation. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You made me who I am and you’ve asked me to do this ministry. Lord, I do not doubt what you’ve asked me to do, but now, Lord, I’m going to throw it back in your lap. I’ve contacted the ministry leader and now I’m going to patiently wait on you to let the ministry leader know that she is supposed to ask me to participate. But God, could you hurry up and let her know that she needs me? I really hate this waiting process. I promise that I will choose to not take it personally. I know that you’ve designed me to do this and you are calling me. I’m going to choose to be still and wait to see that You are God in this situation.”

By the time dinner rolled around, each of my children had separately asked me how I was doing. They knew I had been “turned down, excluded, or not chosen” (their words). It was a great opportunity to model “choosing” to let God work the details and not allowing myself to believe the lies that I hadn’t really heard God’s voice or had gotten it wrong or was a “nobody”. I assured them that I wasn’t going to wrap my identity up in this setback. “I’m going to let God sort it out,” became my mantra.

Two weeks later, God showed up big time! “Debbie, would you still be interested in working with us this year? I had someone step down for the Fall session and think you would be a perfect fit.”

Wow! A lot of learning took place over dinner table discussion that night! I was so glad that I had allowed my tweens and teen to see me hit a roadblock of life. I thanked God that He had given me the ability of waiting on Him to be modeled well for my children. Sharing where I was at with my children, at a time of feeling like a failure, has given us lots of opportunity for discussion for when they are “turned down, excluded, or not chosen” (my words.)

Dare you to be vulnerable with your kids when opportunity arises so they can learn from you how to “be still and watch God work in their lives.”

“Let go…and let God,”


Hope you will join Nina Roesner as she provides insight on marriage and Leah Heffner as she blogs to wives with little people as we go through The Respect Dare together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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