Should I Let My Kid______?

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It was a cold spring afternoon when my son asked if he could drive an hour the next day to visit his friend. Fairly new behind the wheel of a car, I hesitated. There were a million and one reasons to say “no” rolling around in my head and a few that said “it might be good for him”.

Luckily I had the where-with-all to stall. “Honey, that is a decision that your dad and I will have to talk about. I’ll let you know in a couple of hours.”

I know he was wanting an immediate “yes”. After all, that’s what most teens do. They see the world as opportunity and want to seize every moment regardless of the impact on others or possibly themselves.

Before talking with my husband I thought about the decision as I knew it was a crucial one. It would set a precedent for him and his younger siblings. My first thought was to go through my typical laundry list of questions.

  1. Do I trust him?
  2. Is the timing right?
  3. Is it safe and am I willing to take the risk?
  4. Are there things I’ve asked him to do where he is not fulfilling his responsibility well?
  5. Are there areas that I could/should tie this opportunity to for growth?
  6. Am I saying “yes” to make him happy or give him more responsibility?
  7. Would I be saying “yes” to make my life easier?
  8. Am I saying “no” out of fear?
  9. Given the circumstances which decision will bring about more maturity?

After asking God to bring wisdom into the decision and talking with my husband, we decided the answer was “no”. And knowing how the emotional brain kicks in when we tell our kids “no”, I braced myself for my son’s response.

He responded like most teens who could use some maturity. “You never” and “My friend gets to” and the “It will give me experience” came flying from his lips. Obviously upset my heart wanted to hug him and honor his request in spite of our reservations. After all, he did have some good points.

However, my husband and I stood our ground in spite of his attempts to pull on our heartstrings.

Three days later our son was still in a huff. We had done the circle discussion over and over with him as he continued to walk away frustrated with the decision as we stood firm.  Little jabs were flowing from his mouth. I could tell he was trying to wear us down for the big request for the following weekend. I ignored the jabs at times and asked him to stop at others. I let him know that his behavior was not doing him any favors in showing his maturity.

One evening at the dinner table it started again. I’ll admit that I wanted to walk away and not deal with the onslaught of comments; however, our son needed to know that we were firm on our stance and that he couldn’t bully us into changing our mind for the next weekend.

Matthew 5:37

But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.

 

My husband spoke in an even tone, calmly, but in a matter of fact manner that would let our son know that the discussion was over. He stated the facts from our position.

“Son, you have no experience driving in the city and you just got your license. We’ve told you that you need to be behind the wheel with us in the car  for a while unless it is close to home. We are not willing to take the risk with you that far away at this point in time. It is for your safety and the potential of financial impact on this family.”  And then with a little more feeling he continued, “You are precious to us and we don’t want to put you in a situation you aren’t ready to handle.”

He paused to let it sink in before he continued.

“We are also looking for you to step up and take more responsibility on your chores and personal things you should be doing. We see your dishes in the sink rather than you having put them in the dishwasher like we’ve asked, you leave wet towels on the floor for your mother to pick up, and the little things that would show us maturity like doing your chores without being asked before heading to play video games seems to fall on deaf ears. Getting adult privileges like driving an hour away means that you are showing responsibility in other areas.”

We watched as our son worked to get his emotions and disappointment under control.

“I know you are not happy with our decision, but the decision is ours to make. We would love to be able to say ‘yes’ because we know how important your relationship with Josh is and how much you miss him since he moved away.  Maybe one weekend soon your mom and I can drive with you up there so you can go see him.  Let’s see how you are doing on taking your responsibilities here at home seriously, and we’ll see if we can work something out.”

Parenting decisions aren’t always easy and typically they are a judgment calls based on where we are in the moment.  Do we want to be the fun parent?  The yes parent?  Are we making decisions so that our kids will be happy?  Or are we making decisions that will help our kids mature in a way that lets them see how authority, boundaries, and responsibility can affect their world?  

Are we parenting toward a successful launch?

Proverbs 31:25

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

 

Dear Lord,

So many times I make a decision out of my emotions in the moment rather than analyzing how this decision can impact my teen in a healthy way.  I want my kids to think that I’m the cool parent.  I want to be loved and I want to say yes as much as I can. 

Then there are times, Lord, when I say no out of fear instead of thinking about what is best for my child.  I forget that you love my kid more than I do and that they are always under your watchful eye.  Anything that can or does happen to my teen you have allowed.  

As I make decisions in my parenting, help me to do so with maturity, growth, and responsibility in mind.  I want my kids to be successful in the adult world.  I need to teach them responsibility and ownership of the things around them so they one day will be good citizens and good parents for their own children.  Once I’ve made a decision, help me to not waffle as my teen tries to wear me down.  Help me to be strong and courageous in this role you have blessed me with.  May I always come to You for wisdom in every decision with my kids.

In Your Son’s name.  Amen.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Saying ‘no’ to our kids can be difficult and raise the conflict in our homes.  That’s why we at Greater Impact have designed a two day retreat called Deflating Defensiveness Training.  The skills and methods we teach will help you turn conflict into connection with your kids and it will give you the skills to help settle your own emotion when your kids push back and try to lay a guilt trip on you.  This experiential workshop will give you the confidence to parent with Strength and Dignity as God intended.

Check it out!  You’ll meet other Christian moms who come back time and time again because of the exponential growth experience and the impact it has had in their marriages and with their kids.

 

 

 

What is Keeping You From Connecting With Your Teen on a Deeper Level?

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It was a Thursday evening. I had just gotten off a plane, exhausted and hungry. My husband offered to take me out to dinner and I was more than willing to let him pick the restaurant so that I could go home and crash.

Sitting in the booth telling my husband about the trip to visit my mother, I couldn’t help but notice the family sitting next to us. I tried not to stare, but I’ll admit that it was hard.

From afar it appeared to be Grandma and Grandpa, Mom and Dad with two kids, and an adult brother of the Dad. Maybe a family reunion with Grandma and Grandpa coming to visit.

But let me get to the point. We sat there for over an hour watching the daughter play games on her phone. Even though she was sitting beside grandma, there was no interaction. Zero.

Sure enough, after they had ordered, Mom got out her phone and started texting. I thought for sure she would put it down. Nada–at least until the food came out. Poor grandma sat there in silence as the men carried on a conversation at one end of the table in their own world.

Even as they ate, the daughter sat her phone on the table and continued to play games. Mom never said, “Honey, would you please put your phone away so you can eat?” There was no communication with this girl–only silent approval that this was acceptable behavior.

I’ll admit I wanted to get up and shake this mother and tell the pre-teen to put her phone away. But I did choose to be civil. After all, we were in a restaurant and this woman didn’t ask for my help.

As dinner was winding down, I happened to glance at the grandmother. She knew what I was thinking. And she turned her palms up, shrugged, and glanced at me as if to say, “There’s really nothing I can do.”

“Really?” I thought.

As moms, we may be way more engaging than this mother in setting boundaries for our kids and helping them learn the social skills that they will need to survive in the future, but I wonder how many times we’ve allowed something or someone else crowd out the deep connection we could be having with our teen.

  1. When our kids ask us for something, are we “too busy” in the moment and fail to circle back to help them at a better time?
  2. Do we set specific times on a regular basis to have special one-on-one time to do things that we both enjoy? And then do it?
  3. Do you have “talk” time or are you always rushing to the next activity with a list of “Did you do your_____ (homework or chores)?”
  4. Do you encourage interaction with other adults, especially with Grandma and Grandpa, so that relationships develop and a sense of family becomes important?
  5. Are we willing to do hard things ourselves, like put away the phone or give up something else, so that we can model relationships for our kids?
  6. Are we willing to step into the situations that are not going as we would like and say, “Honey, I would like you to put away the phone right now so we can enjoy each other, grandma, or whoever else is in the room.”?
  7. Are we willing to have the tough conversations before and after a situation so that our kids will learn what relationship is all about?

1 Timothy 4:12

Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.

Romans 12:1

I appeal to you therefore, brothers/sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

Dear Heavenly Father,

So many times I fail in my own actions and model behavior that will one day be passed to yet another generation. Lord, help me to not only think through my own convictions but to live them out for my children. Help me to be brave and walk into what might be conflict over things like phones, computers, gaming systems, friends, and other things so that I can teach my kids the art of true relationships.

Lord, I also pray that my relationship with you will become deeper and stronger as I choose to live my life for you. Help me to be a parent who engages with her children in a way that will bring you glory and honor.

In the precious name of Jesus, Amen.

Dare you to think about ways you can more deeply connect with your teen and teach them about true relationships.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Teaching teens the importance of relationship is so very difficult in a technology driven world.  If you would like to connect more deeply with your teen, why not grab a copy of With All Due Respect and join us in our on-line eCourse?  I’ll be joining you in a community of christian women who want to take their relationships with their kids to the next level.  Hope to see you there!

 

 

What Are You Worrying About?

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As the beginning of the school year dawns a new season in our kids’ lives, maybe you are like most moms and are on the lookout for what you need to be worrying about.  I’ll admit that it is the same for me.

As my kids were finishing up those last few months of their senior year of high school, my worry meter was on high alert.  While my kids were anticipating their new freedom–heading off to college — I feared the worst.

What if I hadn’t taught them everything they needed to know to survive on their own?

What would happen when I didn’t remind them to make sure their homework was finished?

Would they get up for those 8 am freshman classes when I wasn’t there as a safety net?

Yes, I knew they could run the washing machine, but would they forget and leave their clothes in the dryer to be found by someone else–and taken?

My list was endless as I  watched the countdown until college dorm move-in began.

I found myself  becoming more and more unsure of their success.  Little things they would do would remind me of their immaturity.  The things they didn’t do were reminders of things I had failed to teach them.

And, of course, my type A personality would not let me fail.

And I found myself doing the opposite of what I should have been doing.

I went into teacher mode — nagging them about every detail of the things I thought they should be aware of before they went off on their own.

Now mind you, I didn’t see it as nagging.  I thought I was helping them develop survival skills.  But instead of nurturing the relationship, I was in hyper-vigilant mode assessing every detail of their lives under the microscope of future success.

And what my kids discovered was:

Proverbs 27:15

A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike.

Your kids might not be heading off to college this fall, but do you find yourself constantly reminding them of things they need to do?  If so, let me ask you a question.

What are your parenting fears?  And I want to encourage you to make a list of those fears.

Once you’ve done that, ask yourself “what idol is attached to that fear?“

Whether we realize it or not, all of us have dreams and expectations for our kids.  We want success to come their way. And sometimes those dreams and expectations become an idol that we consciously or unconsciously give voice to — hence we nag our kids about the things we idolize.

Do we idolize a perfectly clean room?  

Or straight A’s?

Or siblings who get along all the time?

Or perfect kids which translates to us being perfect parents?

In my case I was idolizing success for my kids as they moved off to college.  Oh my, how would I handle it if my kids dropped out?  Or turned all their tighty-whities pink in the laundry?  Or didn’t make it to all their classes?

My fears turned to a doomsday mentality as I translated my kids’ potential failures as my failure as a parent.  And it stifled our connection until I recognized the toxicity I was adding to the relationship.  

Dare you to identify your fears as you parent your tweens and teens and make course corrections before it is too late.  After all, if they do turn their underwear pink, they might call and ask for some advice on how to make sure they do their laundry right the next time.  

“Let go…and let God”, 

With the start of school, now is a great time to grab a few friends and go through With All Due Respect together.  This book will not only draw you closer to God but will hone how you think about your role as a parent.  And who knows, even if you aren’t struggling in your parenting, I’m guessing you know someone who is.  Why not take an opportunity to connect with this mom and help her with a difficult season in her life?  After all, none of us get it right 100% of the time.  To start your group now, click here.

 

 

Should I Share My Shame-Filled Secrets With My Teens?

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Let’s face it, we all have regrets from the past.  Those deep places in our very soul that tend to haunt us from time to time.  They rear their ugly head at the worst possible moment.

These are the things we hold on tightly to, hoping that no one will ever find out the truth.  Grateful that they are in the past.  Praying desperately that others will not find out who we really are as well as praying that those who do know will never tell. We tend to judge ourselves for these mistakes and think that if our kids find out they will no longer respect us. 

We also struggle in our parenting when our kids reach the same age we were when those shameful moments occurred.  Typically they become the very the things we fear the most for our kids.

As fear wells up within us, that’s when we tend to try to control even more.  And as our kids see the tightening up of our grip (because we have firsthand knowledge of those dangers) they start pulling away even more in their desire for freedom.

The question that comes up most often is, “Should I tell my kids?”

And then the worrying begins.  “What if they don’t respect me anymore?  What if they go do what I did?  What if they get upset because they feel I’ve lied to them?”  And the list goes on.

A dear friend gave me permission to share her story as she wrestled with these same questions.

She kept getting nudged by God to share her story with her kids.  Wanting to be obedient, yet fearful of the potential outcome, she wrestled with turning God’s prod into action.  Talking with her husband and praying about it, they decided together that it was time to tell.

As she shared with me her regrets of abortion, she recognized how blessed she was to have the support of her husband as she shared her story with the oldest two teens.

But here’s the best part.  Rather than condemnation from her kids, rather than feeling like they had been lied to all these years, they showed her compassion.  One even said to her, “I always knew you were Mom, but now I really understand who you are and why you parent the way you do.”

One of her sons who tended to be more quiet and aloof is interacting with her in a more frequent and intimate fashion.  This friend not only feels blessed but thankful that she shared her story.

Isn’t that what we all want?  Don’t we want to move from authority figure to a person our kid truly knows when they are on the threshold of adulthood?  Don’t we want them to see that we are human rather than giving them an air of perfection?

Now, don’t get me wrong, there does need to be a level of maturity with our kids before we share those secrets.  And by all means, our kids don’t need to know all the details.  But I love how this dear friend and her husband set things up with their kids.  They shared the heartache and struggles, but they did it with a desire for deeper relationship after the exchange. 

So what did they do right?

  1. Chose obedience from God and prayed as husband and wife for direction.
  2. Mom and Dad went as a united front showing support for each other.
  3. They made the discussion intimate, yet special–a babysitter for younger kids and out of the ordinary snacks that were a special treat for those who were listening.
  4. Mom shared and told the kids up front that she wanted them to know who she really was.  She also gave the kids the right to no longer maintain the relationship with her if they so chose if they felt trust had been broken.
  5. Dad was good about making sure that the teens agreed that the younger siblings were not mature enough to hear this news and it was Mom’s story to tell when she was ready to share with them.
  6. Dad also made sure that he reinforced that this was Mom’s private family story and those outside their home should not be privy to it without Mom’s permission–in other words, this is not to be shared with your friends.

I love how this family not only recognized God’s providence that this was the time to share, but they put much thought into the moment ready to release the potential rejection from their kids.  

Being honest with our kids about shame-filled regrets teaches them that we are sinners just like them.  We’ve made mistakes that we aren’t proud of but we respect that our kids are mature enough to handle truth.  It also gives them a safe harbor when they make mistakes knowing there will not be condemnation because they know we can accept that they won’t always be perfect.

Joel 2:25, NASB

“…I will make up to you the years that the locust has eaten…” 

Psalm 3:3, ESV

But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.

Dare you to be real with your kids when the time is right.  Those shame-filled memories can be replaced with healing for you and bring more tender connection with your teens.

“Let go…and let God”,

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Have you gotten your copy of With All Due Respect yet?  It’s parenting self-discovery training in book form and makes a great small group study discussion.  Not only that, but you’ll learn so much from the women in your small group and will connect with God in a new way.

If you want someone to walk beside you in your parenting, we hope you’ll join us for the With All Due Respect e-Course.   You’ll be encouraged in your parenting and have opportunity to ask questions.  I’ll be joining you on the journey and can’t wait to meet you.  To take advantage of this opportunity, click here.

Are Other Moms Hiding from You?

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I have a confession to make.  I used to hide from other moms.

Let me explain.  I’d pretend I didn’t see them or walk in a different direction diverting my eyes hoping they wouldn’t notice me.  I’d pull back from interacting with the moms who always seemed to want to share the latest new accomplishment or wise choice or great opportunity of their kid that was similar in age to mine.  If I did interact with them, I would listen and try to engage in their excitement only to walk away feeling defeated.

My child wasn’t measuring up — translate, I must be a loser parent.

I have another confession to make.  I’ve also been that mom that I’m guessing other moms wanted to hide from.

You see, it is natural to want to shout it from the mountaintop when our kid succeeds or makes wise choices.  It is easy to think that our parenting skills put that child at the head of their class so to speak.  Our kids can make us proud.

We can also be a proud parent in one moment only to be in the pit of despair the next moment when they do something that we find frustrating or life-altering.  Yes, being a parent can be unbelievably difficult at times.

And when our kids do something that everyone can see, that’s when we want to hide.

Whether it is really happening or just our imagination, we hide out of fear — fear of judgment, fear of exclusion, and fear of gossip and what others are thinking.  Our kid’s behavior can be demoralizing for us.  It can cause repercussions for our child.  It can break our hearts.

I talk to women on a regular basis who are exactly where I’ve been.  They feel like they can’t talk to the other moms that they have always called their friends.  

Our kids’s choices can make us feel shame as we parent because we’ve wrapped our identity up in their behavior rather than our identity in Christ.

Sad, but true.

These women need a safe place to land.  They need someone who will listen without passing judgment.  They need someone who will openly share their parenting heartaches as well, so these parents don’t feel like the worst parent on the planet.

These moms need someone who will emotionally hold them even as their world is falling apart — someone who will cry with them and laugh with them in a way that says things will be okay.

They need another mom who can point them to the truth — we can’t be God in our children’s lives.  We can’t always control our children’s choices.  All we can do is love them through it and give them a safe place to land when they are ready to make better decisions.

Regardless of where our children are in the moment – great kids making great choices — or challenging kids making poor choices, can we share the love of Christ with those who are hurting in their parenting walk?  Can we walk into the hurting parent’s world offering a hug and no judgment?

Maybe instead of saying “Look what my kid did” (implying what a great parent we must be), maybe we can say something like “Look what God is doing in my child’s life”.

Choosing to see God in our children’s lives takes away the parenting mountaintop experience or the depths of despair and will unify us in a way that can take away the stigma of shame when our kids make mistakes.  After all, it isn’t about our kids.  It isn’t about us as parents.  It’s about Him.

Romans 8:1

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.  For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.
Dare you to be the Christian mom God has called you to be as you walk beside those who are hurting.
 
“Let go…and Let God”,
 
If you would like to encourage moms who are struggling or even if you just want a better relationship with your own teen, why not build a community of parents who would like to learn together?
With All Due Respect isn’t a book to sit down and read, it’s curriculum.  Actually it is a devotional and a course with stories and prayers all rolled into one that can be completed in 40 days.  What’s more is that every group leader we’ve talked to has told us the same thing, “Parents and teachers alike need this information!”  We promise you that by starting your own group, you’ll make close friends and be able to share and pour into other moms unlike anything you’ve seen before.  It will challenge you to set a path for healthy launch of your kids.
Why not put a group together and hang out at the pool while your kids are swimming this summer?  Or find another time to all get together?  We promise you an experience like you’ve never had.  You’ll grow closer to God and build healthier relationships with your kids at the same time.
  

What if I Mess My Kid Up?

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As I talk to mothers across the country, I hear it more and more, “I’m afraid I’ll do something to mess my kid up”. 

I want us to take a step back from that statement and think deeply about what that real fear might be.

  1. Do we think that we might say something that will make our child want to leave home and never speak to us again?
  2. Are we afraid that our actions might cause our kids to make choices like drinking, taking drugs, cutting, getting pregnant, or something else?
  3. Do we think that they’ll need to be in therapy when they get older because of something we did?
  4. Are we fearful that if we don’t teach our kid everything they need to know our child might make a mistake and something bad will happen to them?

I’ve heard some women make comments like this and laugh afterwards hoping it comes across as a joke.  I wonder if deep down, under the surface, there is a subtle thought that one false move could turn their fear into a nightmare.   I wonder if holding onto that fear will move them toward abdicating their God given authority and perhaps swing them into the permissive parenting zone in order to not rock the boat with their kids?

Let’s face it.  We all want to be the best mom we can possibly be to our kids and the reality is that we won’t always get it right. 

No, we-won’t-always-get-it-right.

I hope you are breathing a sigh of relief here. 

I hope you are taking a deep breath and letting that reality sink in. 

You can let go of the fear, the anxiousness, and the “did I do that right? questioning”.  We don’t have to always second guess our decisions and wonder if everything will be okay.  The bottom line is that sometimes it won’t be all right.  Sometimes we will cause our child pain or frustration.  That is how they have to learn at times.

We also need to remember that we aren’t God.  If we parent as if we are in control of our kids’ world and their happiness, we’ll most likely mess them up anyway.

If you will, take a step back and think of where God has woven the tapestry of your own life.  Your childhood set you on a path.  You learned some tough things as you grew up.  You learned survival skills, and how to take ownership.  You learned that there will be good times and bad times.  You learned that your parents aren’t perfect and that sometimes Christians don’t always act like Christians.  You learned about relationships, and conflict, and a host of other things.  And sometimes it was painful.  And, yes, sometimes we’ve had to go to counseling for it so that we can better understand our past.

And that is okay.  Life should be a growth process.

The contexts in which you have learned have been in every aspect of your life — as a student, as a daughter, as a sister, as a wife, as an employee, and as a friend.  Through those contexts God has woven our testimony for our good and for His glory.

And He will do the same for our kids if we don’t get in the way.

Can we trust Him?

We don’t have to feel the weight of being the perfect mom.  We just need to be the best we possibly can given the tools we have in the moment.  The best thing we can do is learn who we are in the context of scripture and apply principles from His Word so that we will be what our kid needs in the day to day of life.  

We need to give our tweens and teens the freedom to make choices.  We need to build relationship.  We need to encourage independence.  We need to resolve conflict well.  We need to interact with respect.  We need to apologize when we mess things up.  And we need to be their safety net when they make wrong choices.  

God is weaving our kids’ journey that He wants to use for His glory.  And truth is that we might not like the path He allows them to go down.

The question we need to ask is, “Will we let Him be in control?”  Or, will we take ownership fearing that we will mess them up?

2 Timothy 1:7 

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and love, and self-control.

Matthew 6:31-33

Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

1 Peter 5:6

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

John 14:27 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Psalm 23:4 

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Letting go of fear means that we don’t have to worry or fret any more.  Letting go of fear means we can love more deeply regardless of the choices our kids make.  Letting go of fear is that we can admit that sometimes we will blow it.

Letting go of fear means that we trust God’s promise that He will work all things together for our good.

Dare you to see where fear might be impacting your relationship with your teen.

“Let go…and Let God”,

If you like what you are reading in my blogs, can I ask you for a favor?  Please share it on Facebook.  The more it gets shared the more we can impact families.  And that is my true heart’s desire — that as moms we will learn the Biblical context of respect in all of our relationships and especially with our kids.  We want to not only leave a legacy for this generation but the generations that follow.

For more information on what Greater Impact does as a ministry, check us out at www. greaterimpact.org.

If you’d like our free course, click here.