How to Teen-Proof Your Marriage

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New co-worker listening to explanations of businessman

Yeah, I know! The only way to truly teen-proof your marriage is to never have kids in the first place.

But now that they are here, what do you do?

Obviously, locking our cute little fourth and fifth graders in their room until they are responsible adults is not an option.

The tween and teen years are a time of helping them try to figure out what works and what doesn’t, who they are, who they want to be, and learning skills that will launch them, hopefully, into mature responsible adults. I love how one youth director put it, “It is the time when we get to help them figure out why God made them into the unique being that He created.  This is when they need to discover why He put them on planet earth.”

Great goal! (But that’s another post.)

So, how do you deal with all the running, the stress, the conflict, and just surviving having teens in your household?

Try thinking ahead.

Together. As a married couple.

So where do you start?

  1. Answer the question.  How will we handle the situation if ___________ happens? Then fill in the blank with your worst fears. Parties? Dating? Car accident? Premarital sex? Birth control? Alcohol? Drugs? Unplanned Pregnancy? Financing College? And I’m sure you can think of a lot more.
  2. Prioritize your responses.  Start with the issues you think could potentially come first in your child’s life.
  3. Talk through them as a couple.  These are great date night topics.  This is where you find out how your spouse feels about whatever the topic of the night is.
  4. Listen to each other.  Remember these topics are “what if’s or when’s”; they may never happen–some obviously will.  How will you handle them?

You might want to consider these discussions at least a year or two before the potential of the event.  For example, if you know that your kid can get her license at the age of 16, start talking about what your rules will be by the time they are 15.  Once the two of you have decided what the rules might be for getting a license and what boundaries you will put around her actually driving, start talking to your child about it in advance.

Dialogue might go something like this: “Kari, it’s hard to believe you’ll be able to get your license in six months.  One of the things your dad and I have been talking about is that you will need to be thinking about paying half of the car insurance.  We’ll let you drive my car, but know that we’ll have some specific rules about when, where, and with whom.”

Continue those dialogues frequently so that your child knows what to expect.

Remember, your kids are already setting their expectations and most likely they aren’t in line with what you’re thinking.  Your job is to take those expectations and turn them into reality before the time comes.  That way the excitement of the moment doesn’t turn into an emotional battle of wills.

And for those things that typically blow a parent’s mind like alcohol, drugs or unwanted pregnancy, dealing with the possibility that those things could happen will help you know what to do if they become a reality.

As you well know, the things we fear can send us into an emotional spiral if they indeed happen.  Anticipating them helps us stay one step ahead of our teens and can calm the waters within ourselves.

Our advice to the parents we mentor is always the same.

  • Mom and dad need to be on the same team.
  • Anticipate.
  • Assume that the storms will be coming.
  • Premeditate your parenting. 

Let’s face it, the way your parents parented and the way your spouse’s did are two totally different ways. This is a time to “merge” those ideas. Take the best of both worlds!

If you see other families that seem to be doing it right, ask what they are doing. If you like it, talk about it, put your own spin on it, and try it out.

But most important, “Be on the same page before you react!”

Remember, that if you fight the battles together as you parent, your marriage will be stronger.

Malachi 2:15

Has not [the LORD] made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring.

Still reminding myself to be proactive in my parenting.

“Let go…and let God”,

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Crazy Mom Moments?

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2014-08-09 11.22.13If you are like me, you know what it is like to have those Crazy Mom Moments.  It’s when our kids make a statement that puts us in a moment of panic.  “Oh my, I have to fix his faulty thinking” is what quickly runs through our brains and all we can think to do at the moment is to challenge what our kid just said to us. Read more

Dare 23 – The Respect Dare for parents of 20-Somethings – Are You Awfulizing?

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Sitting at lunch with Brenda, Nadine couldn’t keep herself from telling her woes.  “I’m just wondering if he will ever graduate from college, let alone get a job!  He’s changed his major three times.  At this rate he’ll be paying off school loans until he’s 40!

She paused briefly to take a sip of water.

I can’t count on one hand how many classes Josh has dropped and he’s lost his academic scholarship.  I’ve told him he needs to get a part-time job, but it seems that he was late on the signups at school to be considered.  I don’t know whether I should just tell him to quit school and get a job or encourage him to finish.”

“How many credits does he need to graduate?” Brenda questioned taking a bite of her salad.

“I’m not even sure at this point.  I think he told me he had a year and a half left.”

“Are his grades pretty good?”

“They’re not bad, but they aren’t great either.”

“What’s his major now?”

“I think he landed on business.”

“Well, that’s a good major.  He should be able to get a job with a business degree.”

“I hope so.  I just know my nephew got a degree in business and he’s waiting tables right now.”

“Oh, that’s too bad.  I know with the economy the way it is a lot of kids are finding themselves in that situation.  Nadine,” Brenda continued, “we’ve been friends for a long time.  I can be honest with you, can’t I?”

“Of course!  What’s up?”

“I’m sensing a pattern in how you look at Josh.”

“How so?”

“Let me ask a question first.  Does Josh remind you of anyone you know?  Maybe someone in your family?”

“Funny you should ask.  He is just like my brother, Greg.  Greg never graduated from college.  He just couldn’t decide what he wanted to do and finally dropped out.  He and Judy have struggled to make ends meet their entire marriage.  He’s been working at a hardware store for almost 20 years!  Not that there is anything wrong with that, it is just that he had so much potential and squandered it.”

“Hmm, that must be hard to see Josh in the same light.”

“It is.  That’s why I worry about him so much.”

“That must be what I’m sensing from you. You seem to want to awfulize Josh’s behavior and decisions.”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“I’m just wondering if because you feel that your brother Greg didn’t make good choices about college, you are afraid that Josh will make some of the same mistakes.”

“Of course I am.  They seem to be two peas in a pod.”

“Nadine, what good comes from imagining the worst with Josh’s decisions?  Who does it affect?  And most important, how is your interaction with Josh when you tend to doubt that he’ll make good choices?”

“That’s a lot to think about.  I guess I do tend to think about what I consider were Greg’s failures.  I’m afraid that Josh will do the same thing.”

“You’re afraid, so you think of the worst thing that could possibly happen with Josh?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“So, who does that affect?”

“I guess me, because I sit around and worry a lot.”

“And how do you interact with Josh?”

“I’ve tried to warn him over and over, but he just doesn’t seem to listen.”

“Nadine, when we always look at our kids through a negative lens, we tend to look at their decisions in the worst possible scenario.  That’s what I was referring to when I said you might be awfulizing.  When we do that, we tend to want to over-parent our kids.  We’re afraid they’ll make a wrong choice or become like, in this case, Josh’s Uncle Greg.  It can impact our relationship with our kids and it can hold them back from really exploring who God made them to be.”

“I never thought of that.  Raising kids can be so scary.  I just want him to graduate so he can get a good job!”

“One of the things that I’ve had to learn while my kids were in college, is to think about these years as a time of exploration.  A friend of mine had a daughter who just knew she wanted to be an English teacher.  She graduated from college, got the perfect job teaching English and literature, and after two years of teaching, she realizes that she hates it.  But now, she feels like she is stuck.  Why not look at Josh through a different lens?  He’s exploring his options now so that he is better equipped to really know that he is in the right profession later.  Yes, he might make some mistakes in the process, but through the mistakes he’ll grow.”

“You’ve certainly given me a lot to think about.  You’re right, I do want a good relationship with Josh and I need to let him be in charge of his decisions.”

Philipians 4:8-9 ESV  

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

“Let go…and let God,”

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Hope you will join Nina Roesner as she provides insight on marriage and Leah Heffner as she blogs to wives with little people as we go through The Respect Dare together.

 

 

The Respect Dare – Dare 18 – Does Fear Have a Grip on You? – For Parents of Tweens & Teens

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“Cassie, you’re not going to that party! You know how we feel about these high school parties. We don’t know the parents or the students,” Marsha responded. “We’ve got plans that evening anyway.”

“Why is it we always have plans when I want to do something? What is it we’re doing?”

“I’m waiting for your dad to let me know. I’m guessing we’ll go to eat after the game. You’re welcome to invite a friend to go with us.”

“Mom, everyone in the band always goes to the party. All my friends will be there. They are always chaperoned by band parents so what’s the big deal? You act as if something bad will be going on! It’s like you always plan something so I can’t have any fun with my friends!”

And with that Cassie stormed to her bedroom and slammed the door.

A couple of hours later, Brandon, Marsha’s high school junior, came bounding into the laundry room. “Mom, I’m heading over to Adam’s for a few hours to work on Chemistry.”

“How are you getting there?”

“You said you were going to be doing laundry the rest of the afternoon. I thought I would just take your car since you won’t be driving it. Is that okay?”

“Where does he live?”

“Not too far. He’s about 10 minutes away toward Saltair.”

“I don’t know, son. Maybe I should take you. Those roads are pretty narrow and that bridge at the bottom of that curve scares me. I’ll just grab my purse and take you over there. I might need the car anyway.”

“Mom, you’ve got to be kidding! I’m 17 for heaven’s sake. Why can’t I just drive over there myself?”

“Brandon, my job is to keep you safe. I need to pick up a gallon of milk anyway, so this way I can get it on the way back.”

“Mom, I’ll just bring some home when we’re through studying.”

“Honey, I need it to fix dinner.”

“I know you are just making that up so you have to drive me!”
he flung the words at her as he grabbed his book bag.

As Marsha and Ron were climbing into bed that evening, Ron asked, “Honey, what was going on at dinner tonight? Both Cassie and Adam were in such foul moods. Anything I should know about?”

“I’m just tired of both of them asking to do things that are just not safe!” she mumbled. I feel like I always have to be on guard to make sure I have an alternative to their request. Cassie wants to go to one of those high school parties after Friday night’s game and today I had to drive Brandon over to a friend’s house because he thought he could drive on that narrow winding road down by the river! It just exhausts me! They just don’t understand all the horrible things that can happen to them.

“So I’m assuming both of them were upset because you told them both “no” to their requests?”

“Yes! I always have to be the bad guy.”

“Marsha, Adam is 17 and Cassie will be 16 in a couple of months. When are you going to let go?”

“So you think I should have said “yes”! You’ve got to be kidding! I’m not going to let my 15 year old daughter go to a party after the game where I don’t know the parents or the kids! And Adam needs more driving experience before he drives on that road!”

“Honey, so when are we going to let go?”

I Peter 5:7

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

As parents, some of us have more difficulty than others of letting our children grow up. Part of it could be our upbringing if we grew up in a home where fear was passed on to us by our parents. Others of us struggle because of something horrific that has happened, so we constantly have a nagging sense of fear that is hard to get past. Whatever the circumstance, I would encourage to ask yourself if it is time to start letting go. Our tweens and teens need to know that we trust them. They need to know that we want to protect them…but beware of holding on too tight.

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Dare you to assess whether you respect your tweens and teens enough to loosen the reins if you are holding on out of fear.

“Let go…and let God,”


Hope you will join Nina Roesner as she provides insight on marriage and Leah Heffner as she blogs to wives with little people as we go through The Respect Dare together.