Is it Time for a Reset in Your Parenting?

I don’t know about you, but I seem to do my best parenting after the fact.  Maybe you can relate; so let me explain.  

  • I give my kid freedom he isn’t ready for it and then I don’t know how to take the freedom away without a fight.
  • I don’t think about the potential consequences of a given situation because I don’t know what I don’t know, and then my ‘yes’ in that circumstance equates to a ‘yes’ in the next situation in my child’s mind resulting in conflict.
  • The consequence I issue brings more grief and frustration to me because all I get is whining and push back from my teen.
  • Sometimes the consequences for my child put me in a situation of having to always monitor making me a slave to the consequence I created.
  • My teen has a way of manipulating things in a way that force me to say ‘yes’ when I should be saying ‘no’.
  • I enforce a family rule just because one kid needs it and it is easier to deal with everyone rather than just dealing with this particular kid’s issue.
  • My kid breaks so many rules where I have to issue consequences that my child will be grounded until they are 25.

If you are like me, sometimes when the conflict gets to be too much and the heat is on, it is easier to disband with the consequence or not worry about the potential negative outcome of a behavior because parenting just becomes too difficult.  Sometimes our main focus in the weariness of it all becomes peace — and peace can be achieved if we choose to look away.

But is peace always a good thing?  If our kids are out doing their own thing and we are doing ours, there may be peace but is there relationship?  It may be easier, but who will they become?  What will be their moral foundation?

I want to encourage you not to take the easy way out.  Parenting is hard, parenting is messy, and sometimes parenting needs a reset.  

What are your parenting goals?  Kids with good behavior?  Kids who can think in tough situations?  Kids with a moral compass?  Kids who love God and others?  Kids who can succeed at life?  Kids who will want to have a relationship with their parents when they are adults?  Kids who won’t have a lot of baggage to carry into adulthood?

The reason I ask you about your goals is so you can focus on the majors.  You know, those areas that will really impact our kids’ future. Putting all our energy in making sure we correct every little issue we see in our kids’ behavior will create more conflict than we can possibly handle.

In other words, as parents we can’t close our eyes to things our kids need to learn but we also shouldn’t focus on all the issues we see from our kid.  Our lives are a journey.  They can’t learn everything at one time or they’ll be discouraged and give up.  

So how do we handle things when we’ve created a situation where our current consequences are creating more problems?  This is  a time when you my need a reset.

Ask yourself:

  1. How important is it that this kid needs to learn this lesson?  
  2. Will it impact his future as an adult?
  3. Is there need for a reset? 
  4. What exactly is the problem?
  5. Is this consequence creating more conflict in our home?
  6. Are the consequences escalating such that my kid keeps getting into more and more trouble?

Instigating a reset with our kids always starts with an apology.  This is where you admit that you don’t always get it right in parenting.  Let your child know where you messed up and ask for their forgiveness.  Let them know you are on the same team–you both want the same thing–their freedom.

Let your teen know that changing or resetting the consequence means the goal is the same — to help them become better adults.  Freedom and adulthood go hand in hand.  Learning consequences in the structure of your home will be a lot easier than learning them in real life situations out in the real world. 

Remember that parenting isn’t a battleground (I win/you lose/you will do what I say or else).  It is a place where both of you are working toward the same goal–a partnership to freedom.  It is important to remember that as parents we do have authority over our children, however, if we can establish a win/win mentality then conflict will decrease as a result of the partnership.  We need to major in the majors and let the little things slide that don’t necessarily have significance.  We need to see our job as parents is to put wind under our children’s wings along with giving them opportunity to fail.  Parenting with wanting to control the little things will increase conflict and negate the partnership.

Institute the new consequence.  After apologizing, explaining the reason for the reset, and establishing the partnership with your teen, be sure to issue the new consequence.  Our teens need to see that we have their best interest at heart.  We want them to be mature adults who understand consequences of wrongful actions.  Forgetting about the infraction or letting them off the hook doesn’t right the wrong and won’t allow them to learn the lesson you are trying to teach.  

Parenting is full of do-overs.  After all, parenting is a growth process as well.  Take the time to do a reset as many times as is necessary.

2 Chronicles 1:10

Give me wisdom and knowledge so that I may lead these people.

Whether we realize it or not, as parents, wisdom comes from our mistakes, from God, and from watching other people get it right.  It isn’t an easy road.  But if we will humble ourselves God will be faithful to complete the work in us and our children.

“Let go…and let God”,

Interested in leading a parenting Bible study that will have women sharing on a deep level from the beginning?  Want them to walk away with a WOW! experience?  With All Due Respect will do just that and we promise to make it easy to lead.  You don’t need to be a perfect parent; you don’t need to have perfect kids; and you don’t need to have ever led a group before.

 In honor of Parent’s Day, the publisher is featuring a Kindle Version of the book for only $0.99 through July 25.

In addition, for the next month we’re offering our new Small Group Leader’s Guide for only $5.95 so you can get your small group started right away.  That means you can start a group at an almost 80 percent discount!

Our Small Group Leader’s Guide is an easy-to-follow guide that will give you questions, exercises, and opportunities to engage with other parents as you think about your own parenting.  If you know a mom who has kids that are 9 or 29 this study will be life-changing as they think about parenting.  You can even get suggestions on how to run your groups from me.  I love to engage with other moms and leaders and you can reach me through the website at www.greaterimpact.org. 

 So grab your friends, and grab a copy of the Small Group Leader’s Guide here along with your eBook copy of With All Due Respect.

Dare ya!

With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens and Tweens by [Roesner, Nina, Hitchcock, Debbie]

 

 

Who’s in the Dog House?

Dianne kept telling herself, “I can’t believe we just did it again!  How come that kid always outsmarts us?!”

She and Derrick thought they had come up with the perfect consequence for their daughter’s new endeavors to test the curfew limits they had put in place.  After all, it wasn’t like they were over-the-top strict. She had talked to several other parents with kids similar in age to Kari.  The curfew in their home fell right in line with what others seemed to be doing with their kids.  “Kari just seems to be one of those kids who think that the rules don’t apply to her,” Dianne lamented.

“If you come in late, then you’ll lose your ability to drive to school the next day,” Dianne and her husband  had  both agreed.  “Second curfew miss, two days.  If you hit number three, you’ll lose the car for a week.”

It really seemed like a fair way to solve the problem.  Both Dianne and Derrick had felt confident that it should work, especially since Kari liked her new found independence with her driver’s license and she hated riding the school bus.

The first time Kari missed curfew after the new rules were in place, Dianne had an appointment that took her past the school.  “Mom, you are going right past the school, can you just drop me off?”

Kari had asked politely, so Dianne decided to give her a break from the bus.  “After all, I am going right past the school,” she rationalized.  “I’d rather do that than have to wait to make sure she gets on the bus.”

The second time Kari missed curfew, she road the bus the first day.  But day number two went south.  Kari wasted her time that morning and didn’t make the bus.  “Mom, I have a chemistry test today!  If I miss, Mr. Robinson will make me take the more difficult test tomorrow!  I can’t bomb this test or I’ll get a “C” in chemistry this semester!  You don’t want me to do that do you?”

And with the last plea, Dianne was fishing in the hall closet to get a jacket and find her keys.  She gathered up her 4 year old to put him in the car seat.

As Kari pushed the curfew limit for the third time, the same game played out.  Kari missed the bus yet again and, as fate would have it, the 4 year old was running a fever and Dianne had spent most of the night rocking her son.  She wasn’t even dressed to take Kari to school.  “Mom, I have to be there! Our group is presenting our project in English.  I have all the props!”

Exhaustion took over and Dianne’s defenses were down.  “Go ahead and take the car, we’ll decide how to handle it later,” she wearily responded.

Galatians 6:7

 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.  

Too many times as parents, we don’t think about how the consequences might impact us  or how we are teaching our children to manipulate circumstances to go their way.  We end up putting ourselves in the dog house because tweens and teens have this uncanny way of pulling on our heartstrings.  We want their success and we’ll do anything to help them achieve it.

Dare you to respect  both you and your child enough to follow through on consequences the way they were intended.  They will learn limits and you’ll stay out of the dog house.:)

“Let go…and let God,”

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