Dare 3 – The Respect Dare – Personal Assessment

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Tanya sat on the stool at Leanne’s kitchen island sipping her steaming tea. She loved these opportunities talking to her friend as the sun was shining through the entry. They were talking about their grown children, laughing at their new “freedom” with kids out of the house.

Leanne’s cell phone vibrated on the counter. “Excuse me just a minute, I need to take this,” Leanne muttered. “It’s Jenny. I’ll let her know that I’ll call her back.”

As Tanya listened to the short conversation, she let her mind wander. “Why don’t my kids call me like that?” she thought.

As Leanne hung up with her daughter, Tanya asked. “Do your kids call you every day?”

“Well, not all of them,” she laughed. “Depends on which one it is. With four kids that are twenty-something, they lead pretty busy lives. Jenny usually calls daily through the week on her way home from work, Darcie usually calls every two or three days unless she is struggling with something, then I may hear from her two or three times a day! Marty usually calls every day or so, and then Mitch typically calls at least every week or two.”

“Wow, that’s hard to fathom. My kids rarely call. I feel so disconnected from their lives.”

“You sound a little disappointed,” Leanne ventured.

“Yeah, I really am, I guess. For some reason, family doesn’t seem that important to my kids. It seems that the only time we talk is if I initiate the conversation.”

“I take it you’d like to be more connected to their lives?”

“Of course! I just don’t know what we did wrong.”

“Can I offer a suggestion?” asked Leanne. With a nod from Tanya, she began, “Don’t focus on what you may have done wrong. No one will win with that logic. Why not try to think about steps you could take to build the relationship? It might not become exactly what you want it to be, but it could become a lot better.”

“But, how? I don’t think I would even know where to start!”

“Why not start with taking them out to lunch? Share with them what you are feeling. Tell them what you are hoping for the relationship to be. Find out what they are looking for in your relationship at this point in their lives. Ask how you can be there for them, and then reciprocate, letting them know what would help you feel engaged.”

“You make it sound so easy. It’s obviously working for you.”

“I’ll let you in on a secret. When each of my kids were making their big move out of the house, I took them out to lunch and told them how excited I was that they were heading out to their new adventure. I assured them that I was their number 1 fan and would always be here for them. I also told them that I wouldn’t be calling them regularly to ask lots of questions. I wanted them to feel independent. But, I also told them how much I loved them and that I hoped they would call me regularly so that I could know what is going on in their world. I told them I wanted to be their friend and hoped they wanted the same from me.”

“Wow. Wish I had done that. You seem to have real friendship going with your kids.”

“Tanya, it is not too late for you. Pray and engage with them…not as a mother, but as a friend. God will do the rest.”

Philippians 1:6

…he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

As parents, most of us long for relationship with our adult kids, especially our single twenty-somethings. Sometimes that means taking a personal inventory of who we are and how we attempt to connect with them. Too often, parents continue to “parent” their older kids, expecting them to still “obey”. When their adult children resist, feelings are hurt and relationships are stilted. Why not use this opportunity as we go through The Respect Dare together to assess where you might need to make changes in order to see your relationship with your children grow?

Here are a few questions to get you started. I hope you’ll pick two or three to focus on while we’re on this journey together.

  • Do I choose to live my life for God more than I am concerned about what other people think?
  • Do I let my twenty-something know (appropriately) what I am struggling with?
  • Does my twenty-something confide in me?
  • Do I know how to give advice to my twenty-something such that they hear it and often take it?
  • Am I still trying to control my twenty-something’s behavior and get them to do what I want them to do?
  • Do I make demands of my twenty-something and feel disappointed or angry when they don’t respond?
  • Do I communicate with my twenty-something so that they want to have relationship with me?

Moving into adult/adult relationship with our kids is tough. We are expected to give up control…and I’ll admit, sometimes that is a hard thing to do…especially at times when we might be footing the bill.

My hope for you is that above all things…Think relationship!

“Let go…and let God,”

Debbie

P.S. Hoping that you join Nina and Leah as we blog our way through The Respect Dare.


Dare 1 – The Respect Dare – Expectations!

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“I just don’t know what to do!” Erin sobbed. “Nothing I say seems to get through to her! We raised her in the church, she knows right from wrong, yet she chooses to date guys that most girls wouldn’t even give a second look. The fact that I know she is sleeping with them absolutely breaks my heart! I just worry so for her future!”

Without saying a word, Suzette handed Erin a tissue knowing how deeply she hurt. “What do I do?” Erin sniffled.

Suzette paused to let Erin collect herself.

“Erin,” she gently probed. “Is that why you’ve stopped coming to our small group?”

“I just can’t face anyone. You are the only person I’ve been able to be honest with. I just feel like a failure as a parent and I know everyone who knows my daughter is wagging their tongue about our situation. The difficult part is that I had such hopes and dreams for her…for us!”

“She’s 24. When I was 24, I gave birth to her! I remember the relationship I had with my mom during that time in my life; she was so good about being there as I struggled as a new mom. My relationship with Hannah is so different. I’m not even sure you could call it a relationship. She is bound and determined to do things her way regardless of the consequences.”

Stories like this are not uncommon in today’s culture, even with Christian kids. Somehow as parents we think that if we do everything “right”, this won’t happen to us. But the sad fact is; it does.

But should that really surprise us?

If you’ve spent much time in the Old Testament reading the stories of the kings in the Bible (Kings through Chronicles), you’ll remember the words “they did right in the eyes of the Lord” or “they did evil in the eyes of the Lord”. If you look closely, there is no connection to whether the parent did right or wrong in the Lord’s eyes as to whether or not their offspring would repeat the pattern.

1 Peter 5:8 says…

…your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

As Christian parents, sometimes we set ourselves up with the expectation that “it won’t happen to my kid” if I do everything that scripture says. Reality is that Satan would delight in not only devouring our children but also us as parents!

Most of us want to “fix” our kids. We want the hurt and pain of our expectations on how our kids should live and who they should be to go away. We look side to side at other families and see what we want in our own.

So we do everything in our power to get what we want. We tell them that what they are doing is wrong, we preach, we beg, and we put stress on the relationship because they are putting stress on us. But the bottom line is, we aren’t God. We have no power to change them.

The only person we can change is us…and it starts with our expectations!

As we go through Nina Roesner’s book The Respect Dare together, I challenge you to look not only at your marriage, but also your relationship with your 20-somethings!

Are you trying to change them?

What could you do to change the way you interact with them that could impact the relationship in a positive way?

Here’s my list as we go through The Respect Dare together:

  • Allow my 20-somethings to say “no” to my requests without whining.
  • Stop preaching about the choices they make that I’m not happy about.
  • Work on friendship on a “grown-up” level.

Dare you to grab a copy of The Respect Dare and take this journey with me. I can’t wait to hear what God does with you in your relationship with your husband, your tweens and teens, and your 20-somethings!

“Let go…and let God,”

Debbie

P.S. Why not join other Respect Dare blogs as we journey through Nina’s book together. Visit Nina at www.ninaroesner.com and Leah Heffner at www.leahheffner.com or visit our website at www.greaterimpact.org.


The Sky is Falling!

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My day started with a phone call from my mother. “Haven’t you been listening to the news? It’s bad! Your aunt called me first thing this morning so that I could warn you! You better stock up on water and groceries. Don’t forget the toilet paper too. Make sure that you don’t get out on the roads, you might have an accident! By the way, call your brother and sister as well and make sure you tell them how bad the weather will be!”

Some of you may laugh at the conversation because you think I’m talking about your mother, while others will shrug it off saying, “No one really behaves that way!”

The fact of the matter is I grew up in a home laced with Chicken Little “The sky is falling” comments, and I took them as truth.

Well, maybe not exactly truth, but at least the belief that if I relayed the messages to my children, they might keep them from danger!

My mother’s greatest fear is that something awful will happen to me.

You see, the way I was parented got transferred to me by osmosis! So it came naturally to over-parent my children, even as they entered the teen years, just like I was being treated.

You know the comments…

“Don’t forget your gloves, you’ll freeze out there!”

“Don’t speed; a cop might pull you over!”

“Be careful, it’s icy. You might fall!”

“Be sure to wear your seatbelt. You don’t want a ticket!”

“Don’t stay out too late; you won’t be able to get up in the morning.”

And I’m sure you have even more to add to the list.

As parents, we want to keep our tweens, teens, and twenty-somethings safe. We don’t want them to experience things that are uncomfortable. We want them to follow the rules and not get into trouble.  But if your kids are anything like mine, if we say these things, we get the roll of the eyes and the look as if we have two horns growing out of our head, not to mention the “Oh, Mom, I’m not stupid!” comments.

The truth is, when my mother called this morning, I rolled my eyes (even though she couldn’t see me), and I thought to myself, “She has no respect for the fact that I am an adult and can think for myself. My 76 year old mother is still trying to treat me like a two year old! I’ve never grown up in her eyes.”

And I tuned out every word she said.

The fact of the matter is, by the time most of our kids are 11 or 12, they get it. If they don’t, then maybe they should learn through their mistakes. If they forget their gloves and their hands get cold…maybe they’ll remember next time. If they speed, they might get a ticket…and maybe they’ll pay attention in the future. If they miss a class because they overslept, their grade may suffer, but they’ll try harder to get to work on time when they are older so they won’t lose a paycheck or their job!

Our comments are really teaching them nothing other than that we don’t respect the fact that they are growing up and able to think on their own.

What do our kids want more than anything in the world? Maybe it is for us to see them as “growing up”. Maybe they will tune us out less if we communicate that we respect that they are becoming young men and young women. Maybe we can create relationship that is respectful bi-directionally. If we give them choices, instead of instilling a sense of ‘you have to do it my way’, they will feel respected and learn that their thoughts matter.

I Corinthians 13:1

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

My challenge to you is to speak to your children with love, respecting that they are becoming adults. If you come across as a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal, they’re more likely to tune you out.

Dare you to pick up a copy of The Respect Dare
by Nina Roesner this week and join us as we go through the book with you. If you subscribe to our blogs at www.NinaRoesner.com, www.LeahHeffner.com, and my blog, www.DebbieHitchcock.com, you’ll get an opportunity to apply respect from three different perspectives. We walk you through how to apply it in your marriage whether you are a young wife or have been married for years, as well as what respect looks like with your tweens, teens, and twenty-somethings! Also, be sure to join us on Facebook on The Respect Dare page to learn more about how to apply respect in all your relationships.

To get you started, join Nina on www.FamilyLife.com as she introduces the reason for respect.

“Let go…and let God,”

Debbie

Emotional Relationships—Ready to Ignite!

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I didn’t blog Friday…and that’s probably a good thing.

Oh, I had my blog written in my head. But the more I mulled it over, the more I realized that my emotion was getting in the way of truth.

I had even given voice to my frustration to my husband the night before. Being a good listener, he empathized with what was happening to me. He agreed…it wasn’t fair.

The anger came tumbling out…

“How dare these people I love take more and more of me…I feel used up by them!”

“Why does my twenty-something make choices that don’t line up with what we taught them. And then it is Mom who has to come to the rescue. Don’t they realize how embarrassed I am by their behavior? Don’t they consider how I feel? Do they even take into consideration that my time and resources aren’t something I owe them?”

Then there was the friend who made a decision that hurt terribly! No thought to how I would feel in the circumstances she was putting me in. “I do so much for her!”

Those emotions of the week continued to trigger a barrage of “woe is me” feelings.

Like the feeling from unresolved conflict with a brother who chooses to avoid rather than deal with the situation…

Like the memory from childhood where my family ignored my feelings and let me suffer…alone.

And before I knew it…I was having my own pity party.

I’ve learned to no longer take action when my emotions are raw from anger…hurt…and sadness.

Typically, when I get to this point I start having a dialog with myself. I’m sure you can relate — the logic versus emotion conversation where I finally can get my brain to focus on finding truth. What would scripture say about this situation? Should I hold my tongue or speak truth in love? To simplify…what would Jesus do? Or more specifically, what would Jesus have me do?

Sometimes my emotions are strong…they run deep…but luckily, in addition to going to scripture and having dialog with God who gives me strength in these situations, He has blessed me with a wise friend. She knows me well and is willing to walk beside me giving me outside, non-emotional perspective that allows me to think. She helps me to put truth to my emotion.

Friday was no different. My friend was there, ready to provide prospective. “If you take that action, what do you think will happen to the relationship? What other options could you take?” Then the final question… “What does God want you to learn from this situation?”

Ouch!

If I truly believe that God works all things together for our good, (Romans 8:28), then what is He trying to teach me here? How does He want me to grow through this situation?

As I continue to ponder all the emotion, scripture, and my friend’s questions, I remember Jesus’ words to Peter…

Matthew 18:21-22

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

Duh… the world doesn’t revolve around me.

Hopefully my reaction to my twenty-something’s behavior will show a maturity that comes from my walk with Him. My friend may have done something that upset me, but I need to understand that she has been under a lot of stress. She didn’t intentionally try to hurt me. My brother is on a spiritual journey just like I am and I need to extend him grace for where he is. And in my role as a wife, a daughter, or even an acquaintance, I need to allow others to do and say things without being ready to detonate the emotional bomb sending shrapnel to whoever is in my line of fire.

Dare you to learn what triggers your emotions to ignite.

Double dare you to share with us what steps you take to move your emotion to a logical conclusion.

Learning that it is up to me to control my emotions.

“Let go…and let God.”

Debbie

Matthew 18:21-22 in the new King James version of the Bible reads: Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? U

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