6 Parenting Lies That Can Affect Your Marriage

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Most parents struggle with priorities.  It doesn’t matter if you have one child or several kids, orchestrating a balanced life sometimes seems next to impossible.  Juggling housework, job, kids, homework, activities, and a spouse is enough to make anyone’s life seem thrown off kilter at times. Add to that a kid who isn’t fairing well in his current circumstances and emotionally we’re pulled toward that child over the rest of the family.

I would know.  Living a balanced life with four kids under my roof was a challenge for me.  I not only believed some of the lies that permeate our culture but I could also put that struggling child’s needs first as well as easily get wrapped up in the spotlight of the successful child’s endeavors.

Here are some of the lies I embraced as well as others I am seeing parents put into action:

  • My job is to create a happy life for my kids.
  • I need to offer my kids every opportunity to be all they can be.
  • I need to watch every game, recital, or activity to let my kids know that I’m here for them.
  • I should put all my energy into the kids since they’ll be gone before I know it.
  • I can “fix” the child who is struggling if I just try harder.
  • I’m the mom, I know what’s best for my child better than anyone else, including my husband.

Whatever plays out in your parenting, know that these are lies the enemy would love us to embrace.  If we do, we’ll be exhausted and so child-focused that there will be no hope of balance, especially as our kids move into the teen years.  We can become so enamored with each new stage of discovery with them reliving our own childhood or  we can become so focused with the fear of what they will choose that we become the overzealous parent trying to keep that child from crossing the lines.  Either way, balance will be skewed.

But where does that leave our marriage?  Does our spouse fall outside the priority box because of our parenting? Do we choose to prioritize our kid’s needs, desires, or whims, over the person who should be our soulmate?

It is easy to become so kid centered in our parenting that our spouse can sit on the sidelines barely on our radar.  There are moments when you pass in the wind telling the other person that you’ll see them at the end of the 18 year kid commitment.  “They’ll be off on their own before you know it” becomes yet another lie that we believe as we push our relationship with our spouse into some far off future.

Do we take time to cultivate our relationship as two parents working side by side or do we bark orders and cast blame when it comes to how our spouse interacts with the kids?

Our family has been under a tremendous amount of stress.  Not only did we lose our daughter suddenly, but I have a son who has been in tremendous physical pain with no medical answers.  Finances have been challenging due to expenses we could never have begun to anticipate.  Tension has been high.  Yet, peace is permeating my thoughts.  I recognize it as a peace that can only come from God.  But yet I’ve gained a new awareness that the peace also stems from somewhere else–someone else.  That peace comes in knowing that my soulmate is here to soothe the anxiety in my soul.  We’re on the same page with the goal of running the race, together.

The thing I want to communicate is that as your kids move into junior high and high school, there will be conflict.  Chances are that you and your spouse will have very different ideas on what your children should and should not be allowed to do. It puts pressure on the family, especially the marriage.  If your spouse is not a priority and if you’ve not begun communicating early about how the two of you will navigate those rocky roads of the parenting journey, then not only will the parenting lies have you focused on the wrong priorities, but your marriage will most likely come under attack.

1 Peter 5:8

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

As I look around today at the stress on parents to have perfect kids or kids who at least think like their parents do, it is no wonder that divorce is high.  Add to that the number of parents who are worried about potential issues of alcohol, drugs, pregnancy, cutting, same-sex relationships, suicide, and a host of other issues that plague our kids today, it’s no wonder that our lives are out of balance.

Dare you to looks at the balance in this stage of your life.  Focus on becoming a united team as husband and wife as you parent your kids.  By doing so you will not only have someone to grow old with once the kids have moved out, but you’ll be modeling balance and a good marriage to a generation that needs to know that a successful marriage is possible even when trouble comes.

“Let go…and let God”,

If it is time for you to make a concerted effort to parent together, why not start with With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens & Tweens .  It is a great book to start the parenting discussion on 40 different parenting topics. 

Or, if your husband won’t participate, then try getting a group of moms together.  You’ll find ways to encourage each other whether dad is involved in your kid’s lives or if you are parenting alone.  Either way, we know that your relationship with your teens and tweens will be more fulfilling than it is today.

Dare you!

 

 

 

How to Teen-Proof Your Marriage

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New co-worker listening to explanations of businessman

Yeah, I know! The only way to truly teen-proof your marriage is to never have kids in the first place.

But now that they are here, what do you do?

Obviously, locking our cute little fourth and fifth graders in their room until they are responsible adults is not an option.

The tween and teen years are a time of helping them try to figure out what works and what doesn’t, who they are, who they want to be, and learning skills that will launch them, hopefully, into mature responsible adults. I love how one youth director put it, “It is the time when we get to help them figure out why God made them into the unique being that He created.  This is when they need to discover why He put them on planet earth.”

Great goal! (But that’s another post.)

So, how do you deal with all the running, the stress, the conflict, and just surviving having teens in your household?

Try thinking ahead.

Together. As a married couple.

So where do you start?

  1. Answer the question.  How will we handle the situation if ___________ happens? Then fill in the blank with your worst fears. Parties? Dating? Car accident? Premarital sex? Birth control? Alcohol? Drugs? Unplanned Pregnancy? Financing College? And I’m sure you can think of a lot more.
  2. Prioritize your responses.  Start with the issues you think could potentially come first in your child’s life.
  3. Talk through them as a couple.  These are great date night topics.  This is where you find out how your spouse feels about whatever the topic of the night is.
  4. Listen to each other.  Remember these topics are “what if’s or when’s”; they may never happen–some obviously will.  How will you handle them?

You might want to consider these discussions at least a year or two before the potential of the event.  For example, if you know that your kid can get her license at the age of 16, start talking about what your rules will be by the time they are 15.  Once the two of you have decided what the rules might be for getting a license and what boundaries you will put around her actually driving, start talking to your child about it in advance.

Dialogue might go something like this: “Kari, it’s hard to believe you’ll be able to get your license in six months.  One of the things your dad and I have been talking about is that you will need to be thinking about paying half of the car insurance.  We’ll let you drive my car, but know that we’ll have some specific rules about when, where, and with whom.”

Continue those dialogues frequently so that your child knows what to expect.

Remember, your kids are already setting their expectations and most likely they aren’t in line with what you’re thinking.  Your job is to take those expectations and turn them into reality before the time comes.  That way the excitement of the moment doesn’t turn into an emotional battle of wills.

And for those things that typically blow a parent’s mind like alcohol, drugs or unwanted pregnancy, dealing with the possibility that those things could happen will help you know what to do if they become a reality.

As you well know, the things we fear can send us into an emotional spiral if they indeed happen.  Anticipating them helps us stay one step ahead of our teens and can calm the waters within ourselves.

Our advice to the parents we mentor is always the same.

  • Mom and dad need to be on the same team.
  • Anticipate.
  • Assume that the storms will be coming.
  • Premeditate your parenting. 

Let’s face it, the way your parents parented and the way your spouse’s did are two totally different ways. This is a time to “merge” those ideas. Take the best of both worlds!

If you see other families that seem to be doing it right, ask what they are doing. If you like it, talk about it, put your own spin on it, and try it out.

But most important, “Be on the same page before you react!”

Remember, that if you fight the battles together as you parent, your marriage will be stronger.

Malachi 2:15

Has not [the LORD] made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring.

Still reminding myself to be proactive in my parenting.

“Let go…and let God”,

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In 5 days, you too can start having a more fulfilling relationship with your teens and tweens.  Click here to find out more.

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You Want Me to Argue?

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2014-08-19 19.41.26My world is spinning in marriage as of late.  Not my own marriage, but difficult marriages.

About eight months ago my husband told me he had been looking into getting some training to help men in difficult marriage situations.  It seems that his work world was being ravaged by men who were on the brink of divorce. Read more

Dare 6 – The Respect Dare –

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Mark and Audrey were at odds on what to do. It seemed that lately there were a lot of money issues with their twenty-three year old son. Mark was of the opinion that by twenty-three, it was up to their son to be totally independent. “He’s a man, for crying out loud!” Mark bellowed. “I didn’t have my dad bailing me out every time I turned around.”

Audrey had been tempted to challenge him because she saw things differently. But she bit her lip and decided to pray about it instead.

“Lord, Justin is still in college with only one semester remaining. He sounded really down on the phone today. It is obvious that he wasn’t sure he would be able to make it through the next few days financially. It had obviously taken a lot just for him to ask. I know we’re paying for part of his college tuition, but everything else is on his dime, and he has maxed out his loans. I know that Justin is carrying a heavy load trying to graduate on time. I understand why he recently quit his 20 hour a week job because of one of the classes he needed to graduate; this leaves him with little to no spending money. It makes sense that He needs a loan. He just needs necessities to get by. Help Mark to see that, Lord, and please help us come up with a solution.”

She thought about how she had seen her aunt operate in situations similar to this. She knew what Aunt Mabel would do. She would just pretend like she was “spending extra money” at the grocery store or some other place and give the money to her son without telling his father.

022614_0211_Dare6TheRe2.jpgAudrey didn’t want to undermine her husband like that. She had seen the remnants of trust be shredded by Aunt Mabel’s willingness to “get her way” regardless of what her husband thought. She needed to come up with another way to get Mark’s attention. She also didn’t want to drive a wedge between Mark and Justin.

What was it she had learned in Daughters of Sarah? “State facts without emotion,” she remembered. “Men need short, logical communication.”

As she continued to contemplate how to best approach Mark she kept remembering a verse.

Ephesians 4:1b-2

Walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love.

Audrey kept thinking about the relationship with both of her “men”. She needed to not only show respect for her husband, but also respectfully spur Justin on to independence as well. How could she do that without undermining either one?

The next evening, Audrey ventured into conversation with her husband. “Mark, I know that you and I are at odds on how to deal with Justin’s financial struggles right now. Would you be willing to listen to an idea that I have that might be a win-win for all of us and still recognize that Justin needs to be financially independent?”

When you and your spouse don’t agree on how to handle a particular situation, parenting can be difficult. Communicating in a way that the other understands can be crucial in reaching the best solution. And sometimes choosing to not do things like “Aunt Mabel” did, is a true act of showing kindness out of love.

Dare you to lean toward gentleness in your communication with your spouse.

“Let go…and let God,”

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Be sure to join Nina and Leah as we go through The Respect Dare together!


The Respect Dare – Dare 5 – Me and My Big Mouth

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Rachel skipped to the car in the driveway, excited! “Yeah, I finally have freedom!” she screeched in sheer joy knowing that she was taking her first solo drive to work.

Nancy felt uneasy as she watched Rachel throw her swim bag, sunscreen, and sun visor in the backseat. She was concerned that her daughter was over confident in her driving ability. It would be her maiden voyage, her 16 year olds’ first solo drive and it would be on the interstate all by herself in what would most likely be bumper to bumper traffic.

“Lord,” she prayed. “Keep her safe! Help me to stay calm for the next 30 minutes while Rachel is in route to work. Please, just keep her safe. Why am I so antsy, Lord? It is just so hard to let go!”

Nancy was working hard not to say all the things she really wanted to say…like “don’t go over the speed limit, make sure you lock your doors, look both ways, stay in the slow lane, be careful turning left out of the neighborhood…you know cars sometimes whip around that curve…” But she chose to remain silent with those nagging thoughts. She knew she needed to respect this rite of passage.

“Bye, Honey! Be sure to call me as soon as you get to work,” she plastered on the fake smile trying to sound confident as she let her daughter go.

“I will, Mom, don’t worry. I’ll be fine.”

And off she drove…

As Nancy returned to the kitchen, Sam came down and gave her a quick hug. “Are you okay? I know that you don’t think she’s ready, sweetheart. But she needs a chance to grow up. She’ll be fine.”

Ten minutes later, Nancy was standing at the sink prepping dinner while Sam was piddling in the garage. All Nancy could think about was the conversation she and Sam had last night about Rachel’s request to drive to work by herself. Sam was right. Other kids drive to work all by themselves at 16 all the time. She knew she was just being silly, so she chose not to press him further.

“I’ll take care of it, Rachel,” Sam said as he came in from the garage, obviously talking to Rachel on his cell phone. “You’re sure you are alright to drive? Just be careful. I’ll let Mom know. We’ll look at it when you get home. Call us when you get there.”

Nancy kept her feelings in check. She knew what she wanted to say to her husband. She knew Rachel wasn’t ready to drive alone yet! But she kept her tongue silent.

Ephesians 4:29

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

“What happened?” Nancy responded.

“Rachel took out the neighbor’s mailbox.”

“Oh, Sam, is she okay?”

“She’ll be fine. I think she is a little shaken up, but she’ll be fine. I guess maybe she wasn’t quite ready to drive by herself. It sounds like she hit a mailbox with the passenger side mirror. It flipped forward, so there was no real damage to the car, probably just a little scrape. She must have told the neighbor that she’d have me come see the damage. She said she knew she’d have to pay for the mailbox.”

“At least that’s all that happened. I’m sure it will make her be more careful on the drive to work.”

Dare you to recognize that your teens are growing up and as parents we do need to let go…even when it doesn’t feel right.

Still keeping my “feelings” in check to give my teens the respect they deserve.

“Let go…and let God,”

Debbie