The Respect Dare – Dare 22 – To Do or Not to Do? For Parents of Tweens & Teens

/0 Comments/in , , , , , , , , , , , , , , /by

 

Rhonda caught herself doing it again. Frustrated, yet ready for the respite of a quiet house until her 14 year old returned from school, Rhonda began counting her blessings as she began to pick up the trail of clutter.

  1. Ashlee is doing well in school. Thank you, Lord!
  2. Ashlee has a great group of friends, very much a blessing.
  3. Ashlee is growing up to be a compassionate person. It was awesome to watch her interact with Aunt Martha last week.
  4. I won’t have her home for many more years, so I need to be thankful for our time no matter how frustrating.

And the blessing list continued…

As Rhonda continued in the kitchen, she found herself pausing. “Lord, I know that Ashlee is a blessing, but sometimes she can also be downright frustrating!” She laughed as she said it. Ashlee had raced out the door again this morning tearing through the house like a tornado. Picking up cushions from the couch where she had done last night’s homework, she left everything she had touched wherever it fell, any place except where it should be.

“Found it, Mom. I’m sorry to leave you with the mess,” she shouted as she ran toward the door. “I’ll pick it up this afternoon when I get home.”

“Right,” Rhonda thought. “And when my Bible Study group shows up this morning, I’ll just tell them to sit wherever they can find a cushion or wherever there aren’t popcorn kernels from last night.”

“Lord, she is such a good girl and I know she has a lot on her plate with school and her after school activities. Is this my role as a parent to pick up after her all the time? I love her so much that I would do absolutely anything for her. I might not always do it without complaining”, she chuckled again. “But I would do anything for her. Show me the way, Lord. Either change my attitude and frustration or give me a different direction.”

As Rhonda continued to tidy the house for her group who would arrive in an hour, she felt God’s gentle nudge. “Rhonda, I want you to count the blessings I have given you, but I also want you to teach Ashlee how to take care of herself and others.”

“Hmm….”

“What was it they taught us in Generations? Tweens and Teens need life balance. When their issues start impacting our daily life, they need a reminder that their behavior is not leading to independence.”

“Thanks, Lord. I needed that today.”

As Rhonda pulled into the driveway from picking Ashlee up from soccer practice, she suggested that they spend a few minutes talking over a snack. “Sure, Mom.”

“Ashlee, I want you to know that I really am proud of the way you are maturing. You had such a gentle spirit with Aunt Martha last week. I loved watching the two of you interact.

“Thanks, Mom.”

“You know that your dad and I want to teach you all the skills you’ll need to be fully independent one day, don’t you? As Ashlee shook her head in agreement between bites of trail mix, Rhonda continued, “It occurred to me this morning that you are starting to develop a habit that is something that I think will not only impact you in the future, but it is impacting me right now. This is the third week in a row that you’ve had several mornings where you’ve ransacked the house in the morning before you went to school.”

“I know, Mom. I’m sorry. It’s just that I don’t want to be late for the bus. I don’t want you to have to drive me to school.”

“I appreciate that, Ashlee. But you are leaving me with a mess just about every morning these days. We need to find a way to change that.”

“Mom, I’ve told you I will clean it up as soon as I get home, but by the time I get here you’ve already done it. You really can save it for me.”

“Ashlee, I live in this house too. I have friends that stop by during the day while you are gone. I like to sit on the couch for my quiet time. Do you really think I can enjoy my time with God if I have to look at the mess all around me?”

“I’ve been thinking about this and I think the problem is that you’ve not gathered your things together for school the night before. Starting now, I want you to work hard at picking up snacks or whatever you’ve left in the family room the night before. To help you remember, I’m letting you know that if it happens again, there will be a consequence.”

“A consequence? You’ve got to be kidding!”

“Ashlee, the consequence is intended to be a reminder to help you not forget the rule the next time. Just know that from here on out, there will be no more morning tornado through the house. I know that it might seem harsh, but our job as parents is to help you become a balanced adult. I just don’t want you to always be stressed out and develop the habit of always being in a rush. I know that’s what you want as well. Keep the family room picked up in the evenings and there won’t be a problem. I love you, Ashlee. I know you’ll do better. I’m more than willing to give you a gentle reminder in the evening if that will help.”

“Okay, Mom. I’ll try to do better. Maybe if I put a note on my bathroom mirror, I won’t forget.”

“Great idea, honey!”

Living in a hurried world, sometimes as parents we allow our tweens and teens to fall into bad habits that impact us. Rather than try to teach them good habits, we bail them out because it makes us feel better.

Colossians 3:2

 And set your minds and keep them set on what is above (the higher things), not on the things that are on the earth.

Dare you to find something that needs to change in your teen’s life and encourage better self-discipline. Just be sure to let them know you are helping them gain independence.

“Let go…and let God,”


Hope you will join Nina Roesner as she provides insight on marriage and Leah Heffner as she blogs to wives with little people as we go through The Respect Dare together.

 

 


Dare 12 – The Respect Dare – It’s Not About ME? – For Parents of Tweens & Teens

/2 Comments/in , , , , , , , , , , , , , , /by

Cornered as we walked into church on Sunday morning, I watched another mom reach out to my junior high son just steps ahead of me. “Not so fast,” she murmured, “we need to talk with your mom.” Not even allowing him to speak, she ushered my 13 year old son over to me. I watched as he bowed his head in shame knowing what was coming next.

“You would not believe what your son did yesterday!” she hissed. “Do you know the kind of things that your son is doing to animals? He’s torturing them…torturing them and then laughing about it to his friends! You need to know that what he is doing is absolutely sick! I heard all about it when he was in my car yesterday. Your poor cat! Did you know that he stuck that poor kitten into a …”

Luckily, this was not my first time encountering one-of-those moms. In the past, I had handled these situations all wrong, frustrated that my child had embarrassed me in front of another adult! Horrified at what they were being accused of, I would make sure to take my child down a notch or two in front of the other mom, allowing her to see that I was a ‘good’ mom who took my parenting role seriously.

Truth be known, and I do hate to admit it, I’ve been one of those moms myself when my kids were younger. You know….sitting there in judgment…wanting to make sure that I played the role of traffic cop well, radar
watching for any offense that I saw as being wrong. “After all”, I reasoned, “if I don’t point out this weakness in a kid to his parents, then it can’t be dealt with. I would want to know if my child did something like this. I need to do the same for other parents.”

Whoa…faulty thinking on my part!!

 


With time, I had learned the error of my ways. This time, I was more prepared to salvage the relationship with my son rather than prove that I was a good mom…rather than believe that the adult side of the story was right when I knew there were two sides. I had learned through scripture and experience that my son deserved a fair trial.

…And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8b

“Lord, help me to take a deep breath and walk humbly with you in this situation.” I muttered to myself.

After taking our verbal chastisement from Mrs. Gibson, I assured her that I would speak to my son about it and thanked her for her concern. Quickly, I swept my son out of the woman’s sight with arms around his back laughingly asking him, “Are you alright?”

With a sheepish nod, he replied, “Mom, it wasn’t like that at all!

“It’s okay, son, we’ll work through it. I know you well enough that there has to be another side to this story. We’ll talk about it after lunch this afternoon. Don’t worry about Mrs. Gibson. Just go enjoy Sunday school with your friends.”

He gave me a slight smile as I winked at him, assuring him that we’d get through the ordeal with the now dreaded, Mrs. Gibson.

As I expected, Mrs. Gibson’s version was far from what I thought my son was capable of conjuring up on his own.

“Son, so tell me what happened yesterday when you were in the car with Mrs. Gibson.”

As my son rattled off the events of the previous day, the light bulb began to illuminate. Oh my, these weren’t his stories…these were stories his dad had told him about pranks he remembered being played during his college days! I wasn’t sure if I was more upset that my husband had actually shared those stories with our kids or horrified to think that my son might have actually considered doing something similar on his own.

“Son, did you ever do that to our cat?” I ventured.

“Mom, you know how it is with us guys. We sometimes do stupid stuff, and I will admit that one time I stuck her in the old microwave out in the garage. But it wasn’t plugged in! We intended to get her out right away, but you remember, the door got stuck and Dad had to take it apart to get the cat out. I felt horrible! I would never intentionally hurt Duchess!”

“It was the same way, yesterday,” he continued. “Mark, James, and I laughed retelling the story of Duchess, and one thing led to another, and James told us what his dad had done to the dog when it died, and the stories just kept getting more and more exaggerated. Mrs. Gibson thought they were all true and started yelling at us before we had a chance to explain.”

“So she doesn’t know the truth?” I asked, trying to hide the laughter that was welling up inside me.

“I guess not.”

As we put together a plan for him to redeem himself with Mrs. Gibson, I thanked God that I had kept my cool with my son after Mrs. Gibson’s reprimand. My husband and I would have a good laugh about this one tonight behind closed doors. Boys at this age can get themselves in the strangest predicaments!

BOTTOM LINE: Our Kid’s behavior is not about us! We sometimes want to think that it is…but it isn’t. Our first inclination is to “prove” that we are good parents by giving other parents what they want…some sort of chastisement for what they see as a child’s sin. In reality parenting is about helping our children know that we will always believe in their innocence until they are proven guilty. If we listen to both sides, before passing judgment, we have a better chance of building relationship even through the trials of the tween and teen years.

Dare you to ask questions next time a situation appears to incriminate your child, holding your tongue until all sides have spoken.

Learning beside you.

“Let go…and let God”


Be sure to join Nina Roesner and Leah Heffner as we blog through The Respect Dare together!