Are You Cultivating the Relationship?

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The phone had been silent for several days and Shannon began to worry. Silence usually meant something was going on that her daughter didn’t want her to know about. Silence meant whatever was happening was something that her daughter knew she wouldn’t approve of. Silence meant this chasm would widen, the earth would give way, and then it would all come tumbling out–every unbelievable detail.

Shannon had grown accustomed to the turbulence that accompanied these silent times; they rattled her very soul. Shannon prayed; she sought answers from Scripture; she had given her daughter back to God more times than she could remember. But here she was again, crying out to God for some sort of awakening to occur in her daughter’s life. “Speak to her, Lord,” she uttered once again.

Shannon was learning that she was the one who needed to stay connected to her daughter. Amber needed a steady force in her life. Without Shannon reaching out in Amber’s own mode of communication “texting” or “Facebook – IM”, the telephone lines would continue to remain silent. “Checking in to see how you are doing,” she pounded out on the mini touchscreen. “Just wanted you to know that you are loved.”

“Love you too, Mom” came quickly back on the screen.

“You doing ok?” Shannon responded.

“I guess.” Amber replied. “Call you when I get off work.”

Shannon prayed throughout the day. She prayed for Amber. She prayed for whatever Amber would share with her this evening. She prayed that her responses would always come across as loving.

But silence continued throughout the evening. No call from Amber. Shannon continued to pray for her daughter. She’d try to reconnect again in a few days.

Three days later she sent a text to Amber just to see how she was doing.

The phone rang. “Hi, Mom. Sorry I didn’t call you back the other evening.”

“Honey, that’s okay. I know you’re busy. How’s work going?”

“Fine. How’s Harold doing?”

“He left, Mom.”

“What do you mean, he left”?

“Mom, he moved out.”

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry. How are you feeling about that?”

“I’m so upset–yet part of me is glad he is gone. At least I know what kind of man he really is.”

“What made him decide to leave? You two were starting to talk about marriage.”

“Mom, I guess you’ll find out soon enough anyway. I’m pregnant.”

Shannon took a deep breath. She knew her next words were critical. She could either bring life into her daughter or create an avalanche of destructive feelings into their conversation.

“Honey, I’m not sure how to respond. I’m in shock. I’m going to be a grandmother. How are you feeling about it?”

Ephesians 4:31-32

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and railing, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God also in Christ forgave you.

Sometimes our 20-Somethings make choices that we not only disagree with, but they make choices that will impact our lives in ways we would rather not deal with. Even though it would be easier to write them off saying that they can deal with their own issues (they know our phone number), we need to show them the love of Christ and initiate relationship. Words that come out of our mouths can either incite further anger and rejection or bring healing. We may not always be elated by the news they share, but it is important that we respond with the love of Christ.

Proverbs 16:24

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Dare you to connect with your 20-Something today by speaking words of tenderness to them. Why not send them a text?

“Let go…and let God,”


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Finding Peace in the Midst of Parenting

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The last two weeks have been a whirlwind.  I’ll admit that I’m having trouble remembering what I’ve done from one day to the next.  Grieving the loss of a child is so very hard and the enemy is relentless in attempting to get me into the pit of despair.  I’m thankful for all of you have who have been there to help carry my burden in the midst of such pain.  The little things–a meal, a text, a card, a donation to a ministry in our daughter’s name, or a response to my blog have been a lifeline to keep me out of the rabbit hole that could swallow me up.  These small things give me peace in the midst of the turmoil in my present circumstances.

As I treasure all of those who have been there for us during a time of death, I am contemplating how we as a body of Christ can be there for each other in a time of life.

I’ve spoken to many parents who are struggling to find peace in the midst of their parenting.  Many have strong-willed children who are determined to control their universe, others have kids who are struggling — peer pressure, sexting, cutting, pornography, alcohol, drugs, sex, pregnancy, same-sex relationships, and the list goes on.  One day we think our NOW is good and the next day brings trouble we can’t even begin to comprehend or explain.

So how do we find peace in the midst of the pain our children sometimes bring to our lives?  How do we deal with our own self-condemnation that we should have been a better parent or this wouldn’t be happening?  How do we deal with a culture (and sometimes church) that wants to blame someone for what our kids are doing — so it must be the parents’ fault?

If you are a parent whose kids seem to “get it” and by the grace of God they are choosing to follow His will, delight in the fact that He has chosen to spare you the pain of suffering through your children.  It can be an overwhelming cross to bare.

But can I ask you to stay here with me for a few minutes?

Can I ask you to  stop a minute and try to put yourself in other women’s shoes?  Can you take a moment and  feel their pain and offer empathy and a shoulder to cry on?  Can I ask each of us as Christian women to carry each other’s burdens?  Can you reach out and listen without condemnation and trying to tell them how to “fix” their parenting problem.  Can we all just listen and feel for our beloved sisters in Christ?

Our pastor said it eloquently at our daughter’s funeral service, “Who’s to blame for a child who is born blind, the child or the parents?”  Jesus answered “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him.” (John 9:3)

Think about that.  When our children make wrong choices they are blind.  They can’t see that they are on a path to destruction.  However, God can use us or them, and even in spite of our choices or their choices, to accomplish His purpose.  He is writing a testimony on our child’s heart and on our heart that He will use for His glory.  

That’s our hope.  That should be our peace.

I’ve been talking to women around the country who feel like they have to hide in the church.  These are the moms whose kids are making choices that are against everything they as a family believe in — yet they don’t feel safe to share their pain even to their church family. How sad.  They feel judged for things beyond their control because to us as Christians their child’s behavior is an unfathomable sin.

There is a lie the enemy wants us as a church to believe.  It is a lie that the enemy wants us to believe as parents.

And that is that our child’s sin is nonredeemable.

The last two weeks I’ve seen what God can do through us in spite of the choices we make.  By the Christian standard my daughter had made more than her  share of wrong choices.  Eventually, her choices caught up with her.  But in spite of her choices, God used her in some pretty incredible ways.  Ways that I would never have dreamed were going on “behind the scenes” of what I saw as her life.

Even in her choices, my daughter led a troubled young woman to Christ and helped her overcome an addiction to cutting.  Even in her own pain, she encouraged a young man by inviting him to her Bible Study group.  This young man now knows Jesus as his Lord and Savior and through her words of encouragement just recorded his first song.  In the midst of trying to find herself, she taught a young girl to braid hair and now this young adult has graduated from cosmetology school.  Because of my daughter’s bent toward helping others, she was ministering to a young woman with downs syndrome taking her into her home to bake and just spending time with her.  Because of her desire to have others know a Jesus who forgives sin, I’ve sat beside sinners in a church pew because she brought them to church desiring for them to find hope.

In spite of our kids’  choices, in spite of our kids’ sin, in spite of the road they choose to travel, God will use even their wrong choices to put them in a place where He can use them.  He’ll use them for His glory.

As for us as parents, we need to look to God for peace in the midst of our parenting chaos.  We need to understand that He is weaving His story and that story might bring pain for us.  We need to cling to a verse in John.

John 10:28-29

“I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand.”

If your kids accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior at a young age, He’s got them even in the midst of the path they’ve chosen as teens.  If not, there is still time for redemption. They may make wrong choices, but don’t we all?  Some of us may struggle with alcohol, some overspending, some anger, some lust, and some self-righteousness, but if we’ve raised them to follow Jesus, He’s got them and He’ll use them in spite of their poor choices–just like He’ll use us.

And that should be our peace.  

God’s got this even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Isaiah 54:10

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

Can you trust Him in the midst of your sorrow?  Can you trust Him with your pain?  If you are fortunate enough to have kids who are, by the grace of God, making wise choices, can you be a beacon of light to a hurting mom who is struggling because of her teen’s path?  Can you choose to let God use you to help other moms feel safe among their church family?

My prayer is that, just like I am trying to do, you will cling to Him for peace in the midst of it all–whatever your parenting struggle and that there will be other Christian moms who will give you a shoulder to cry on.

May you choose His peace as you…

“Let go…and Let God”,

Want to help moms develop a deeper relationship with God as they create more fulfilling relationships with their teens and tweens?  With All Due Respect was bathed in tears as God walked me through a powerful life-changing process that impacted my relationship with my daughter.  Because of what God taught me through parenting her, other moms can now grow closer to Him as they work through the devotional Dares from this book.  What is more, if you choose to do the book in a group you’ll have opportunity to develop deep connecting relationships with other women who are also on the parenting journey.  Check back next week to see how you can get your copy of our small group leader’s guide that will make your small moms group a WOW experience.