What’s Your Parenting Perspective?

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In the midst of a pandemic I see fear almost everywhere I turn.  From the grocery store isles with people backing away so others don’t get too close, to the salons with plastic shower curtains creating the great divide, the need for hope is apparent.  This post isn’t about whether we should be firm in isolating our kids or allowing them to go on with life as if nothing is happening in this crazy world we live in.  It is about looking at our perspective as parents.

Perspective is all about the lens we see life through.  Let’s face it, if we have blue colored lenses, we see blue; if we look through green colored lenses we see green. 

Our perspective is based on our values, our life experiences, and what our parents and teachers have taught us.

Are we living in fear?

Are we allowing our kids to be kids?

Are we so focused on their well-being and future success that we forget to laugh with them? 

Are we so focused on what could happen, that we forget to savor the moments?

I ran across a post on a FaceBook page the other day and got permission from Jason Hartanov to share part of it.  It’s one perspective on life as a parent.

 

TO THE KIDS WHO TP’D (toilet papered) MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT

–Thank you for restoring my hope in the youth

–Thank you for bringing fun in a way too serious world

–Thank you for finding a great use of the excess toilet paper people bought during Covid

–Thank you for allowing me to bring tolerance to an increasingly intolerant society

–Thank you for targeting my house because you like my daughters 

–Thank you for making me smile and reminding me of the best days of my childhood

–Thank you for giving us all a break from the issues in this world

–Thank you for bringing light in the darkness

THANK YOU FOR BEING KIDS

THANK YOU FOR MODELING PLAY

THANK YOU FOR SHOWING CREATIVITY

THANK YOU FOR EMBRACING LIFE IS SHORT

KIDS–next time, ask me for more TP so we can fill in the gaps–the trees are too bare, the roof has little to no paper, and you left half-rolls sitting on the ground.

Ask me for help, so I can show you how to coordinate an attack and TP the right way.

EXCITED TODAY to clean up the mess and smile the whole time.

THANK YOU for spreading joy to me and my girls.

I applaud you.

My prayer is that as you read this you’ll take inventory of how you might have responded if your house had been TP’d.  Go with your first gut reaction.  What does it tell you about your parenting perspective?

Are you too serious?

Do you know how to have fun and play?

What color of lenses do you see the world?

Ecclesiastes 8:15

So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany them in their toil all the days of the life God has given them under the sun.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Do you wish you had a different perspective in your parenting?  Are you looking for more fulfillment and joy in the life you live?  What needs to change in your home? Email me if you’d like to know how to find a more abundant life as you parent.  Perspective Coaching is all about helping parents of tweens, teens, and 20-somethings discover what might be missing as they parent.  You can email me debbiehitchcock@gettingperspective.com

Is Your Home Filled With Laughter?

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When our kids are little it is easy to laugh at the cute things they say and do.  Even during those early years of school we watch with excitement as they encounter new experiences and are filled with wonder.  And then as our kids become tweens and teens the climate in most homes changes.  Instead of laughter, life gets serious — sometimes too serious.

Maybe it’s our kids pushing our patience or their mouthiness that makes us as parents feel the need to control.  I think sometimes we realize that our kids are no longer those sweet, innocent children any more and we become fearful of the possibilities and reality of what could happen if they make the wrong choices.  We push them to strive for excellence in school or in sports because college is looming up ahead and we come to the realization that someone needs to pay for it.

Whatever the circumstance with your teens, take time to fill your home with laughter.

I was talking to a mom a few weeks ago and could feel the weight of heaviness resting on her shoulders.  She was giving me a list of all the things her teenage son wasn’t doing.  It was obvious that mom had certain expectations that her son was not fulfilling.  Blame was heavy as we talked.  She no longer found joy in this son, only condemnation.  Laughter was the furthest thing from her mind.

I’ll admit I’ve been in that place at times.  When our kids are doing things that cause us fear and anxiety it is easy to be so afraid that we can’t find any joy in any moment.  At times it seems they aren’t listening to anything we ask them to do.  That’s when it is time to take our thoughts captive.  It’s when we need to be able to think quickly on our feet in order to turn the difficult moment into a memorable opportunity filled with laughter.  It’s where we show our kids that the joy of the Lord is our strength.

So what can that look like?

  1. When there is conflict in the house, have a family code word.  In our house there is a code word that will bring laughter to any situation.  If we hear siblings arguing, either Dave or I will enter the room and quietly watch the verbal match.  When the right opportunity presents itself, we say the code word and immediately change the subject.  Inevitably, our kids will look at each other, then they’ll look at us, and laughter will fill the air.  Everyone in the family knows the code word and everyone has permission to use it.  It means unhook the bickering and laugh!
  2. Find the positive in every situation.  Even disaster can have a silver lining if we take time to look.  If your teen flunks a class, he’ll have opportunity to prove himself again and learn from the mistake.  If your daughter wrecks the car, she’ll most likely become a more careful driver.  If your teen is still breathing, that is the positive — find joy in that moment.
  3. Be mindful of the now.  Too many times we fearfully get wrapped up in what could happen in the future — won’t get into college, won’t get a scholarship, will end up doing something stupid like alcohol or drugs, or whatever is your greatest fear.  Work on the now and the future will take care of itself.  Find joy in the moment and love your teen right where he is.  Remind yourself that the future is in God’s hands.
  4. Find time to do fun with your teens.  You know your kids better than anyone.  Try doing some of the things that they like to do with them.  Chances are you’ll bring laughter to the room as you try to lip sync or play one of their video games with them.  I’ll never forget being in the mall with my son as we both tried to do DDR (Dance, Dance Revolution for those who don’t know what that is :))  My son never laughed so hard as I drew a crowd in the mall as the worst player ever.  It’s a great memory for both of us.
  5. Take negative comments and situations and turn them into laughter moments.  My husband, Dave, is the expert at this in our home and I’m working hard on it.  When one of our now 20-somethings comes out with a sharp accusation or negative comment, Dave will take it and put a spin of laughter on it.  Just like Dare 15 in With All Due Respect, quick thinking with a dose of humor can turn a difficult moment into an opportunity to teach respect.

Proverbs 31:25 (NLT)

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

Nehemiah 8:10b

“Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

Dare you to not take life quite so seriously when your kids become tweens and teens.  Humor in the difficulties of life can bring opportunity to model respect and provide teaching opportunities much more than lectures and condemnation.  

“Let go…and Let God”,

Want a way to connect with other Moms?  Why not grab a copy of With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens & Tweens and go through the book together.  Whether your kids are 9 or 29, you’ll find the questions will apply to your parenting.

Here’s what Shaunti Feldhahn, Social Researcher and Best Selling Author of For Women Only had to say:

“A spectacular tool for every mom who has heard the advice “be purposeful,” and wondered, “But what does that mean?  This ultra-practical guidebook shows each of us what it means.  Step by step, day by day, this amazing resource will walk each of us into being the godly moms we all deeply want to be, to have the impact on our kids we are all longing for.”

How Do You Stack Up in the Affection Department?

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As my kids get older, I’m realizing that I’m not quite as affectionate as I used to be.  After all, they know that I love them–right?

When they were younger, it was easy to give them a kiss on top of their head as I wiped jelly off their face, or hold them in my lap after putting ointment on a skinned knee.  But now that my kids are taller than I am and definitely a little bulkier, holding them as we sit on the floor together is certainly not an option.

As our kids start to become more independent and we’re more worried about getting them to soccer practice or dance lessons on time and making sure they have their homework done, we sometimes forget the simple things in life–and affection can be one of them.  Stress typically keeps us centered on the next task and striking things off the to-do list rather than helping us focus on the relationship.

Did you know that appropriate physical affection can elevate a hormone called oxytocin that causes a calming sensation?  There is also a scientific study that shows that appropriate physical touch helps build trust in a relationship.  After all, we certainly want our kids to trust us.  But there is also evidence that physical connection puts us in a better mood the next day.  And, of course, most of us would prefer that over the sometimes hormone induced negativism.

Our kids need to feel that they are lovable and affection shows we care.

However, affection doesn’t only need to be physical.  Sometimes verbal affection can be just as important as physical touch.  While a soft hand on the shoulder or a ruffling of our teen’s hair denotes endearment, sometimes our kids just want to hear the words.  “I believe in you”, “You can do this”, and “You know that I love you, don’t you?”, if said with sincerity in a moment that brings connection will breed a relationship that withstands the struggles of conflict and disagreement.

Remember that the timing of affection can be everything.

I’m laughing as I’m writing this as I’m reminded of when my son was in grade school and used to have his best friend sleep over on a regular basis. I’d put blankets on the family room floor and say prayers with them as I tucked them in for the night.  And my ritual was the same.  I’d give my son a big hug and a kiss on the cheek and do the same with his buddy.  Every time, the routine was the same and we’d laugh together.

As they moved into the teen years, I remember bringing the blankets downstairs as I usually did; however, this time I didn’t pray with them or tuck them in.  I said something like, “You two are old enough to say your prayers and tuck yourself in.”  To which my son’s friend replied, “But you have to kiss us before we can go to sleep.”

And I did.

I was communicating to both of them that I loved them.  They were used to the affection and wanted to know that even though they were growing up, my love didn’t need to change.

That said, in any other circumstance, giving my teen affection in front of his friends would have embarrassed him beyond belief.  That’s where the timing of affection comes in.  In intimate settings where patterns have been established our teens will appreciate it; otherwise we need to respect them in public settings so that they won’t be the target of ridicule by their friends who don’t have appropriate affection modeled.

So what can you do, if affection hasn’t been a regular staple in your home?  What if it feels awkward and something you aren’t used to?

Start small.

A touch on the hand, a rubbing on the shoulder, or a playful tickle on the neck might be a good place to start.  Find a one-on-one time where you are alone together talking and make a gentle move.  Don’t be surprised if they look at you funny or say something like, “You’ve never done that before.”  

Rather than being embarrassed and backing off, say something like, “I just miss the closeness we used to have when you were little.  You’re growing up on me.  I just know that sometimes I like someone to show me affection.  Know that you can come get a hug from me anytime you like.”  And go on with whatever else you are doing.

I’ve always found that nighttime is a good time for words of affection.  Knocking on the door soon after one of my kids has gone to bed has been a great time to say, “Goodnight, I love you.”  

If you find your kids feeling down or sad, hugs are usually welcomed.  Go slow with a side hug if it hasn’t been something your kid is used to.  My guess is that as the new behavior continues, they’ll seek you out more for their hug.

And if they are those rare kids that don’t like physical touch, try a fist bump or a high-five.  It still says that they are lovable and important to you.

Romans 12:10

Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

 

 

 

 

 

Time for a Different Strategy?

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This has been a busy and emotional week for me–two marriages in trouble with people whom I love and want to support, a friend’s  husband ready for hospice care with a funeral to plan (she knows I’ve planned a funeral), and a mom and dad who want to help their recovering addict mature to independence (I’ve been there too).

Sometimes life gets hard and relationships and situations can derail our hopes and dreams.

We can get stuck in the quagmire not knowing which step to take.  It’s like standing in the middle of a forest where you can’t see the way out.  And we can get so bogged down with which way to turn that we just do the same thing over and over as if we are spinning on a gerbil wheel.

We go nowhere.

I’ve been reading a book by Michael Hyatt, Your Best Year Ever: A 5-Step Plan for Achieving Your Most Important Goals.  And as I’m reading it (know that I’m only in Chapter 4), I keep thinking about the places where we get stuck emotionally in our relationships.

What if we had a different strategy to become unstuck?

Hyatt classifies people into two categories, scarcity thinkers and abundance thinkers (pg. 37-39) as he talks about those who fulfill their dreams and those who don’t.  Imagine if we had the perspective of abundance thinking in our relationships with those we love?  What if we were able to look at life through the lens of possibility?

  • We’d be thankful rather than fearful.
  • We’d be more compassionate.
  • We’d assume that the people around us can learn and grow to a more mature way of thinking.
  • Our default would be set to openness and trust rather than suspicion.
  • We would be optimistic about the future of our relationship rather than pessimistic that things will never change.
  • We would see the conflict we encounter in the relationship as opportunities rather than obstacles.

Another thing Hyatt talks about is how we limit our beliefs about the people we love.  We can begin to think our husbands will always respond in a negative way, or the recovering addict will never overcome the addiction, or that out teens will never grow to healthy maturity.  These thoughts are what he calls “half-truths at best”.  Our thinking becomes a roadblock in our relationships.

These limiting beliefs impact our behavior as we interact with the people we love the most.  It’s how we see the world.

What if we shifted our thinking to that of an abundance thinker?

Trust me when I say that I fully understand the thinking of a parent who wants her teen to mature in different areas.  We think we can guilt them into making changes, or nag them over and over, or maybe we go the opposite direction and just overlook it.  And when we run into the same situations time and time again, it is easy to be pessimistic and think they will never grow up or change.

That’s where I encourage parents to figure out what is lacking in their kid and in the relationship.  What can you as a parent do to potentially turn it around?

We have the power to shape the future for our kids or our marriage if we are willing to put a plan in place with steps where we are working toward the goal we so desire.  Many have found that we have to set a different course, respond differently to the situation, and develop a strategy that will get us to the end we so desire.

And it won’t always be easy.

But don’t you want to see the success of your marriage or the future for your kids?

My husband is currently mentoring a young man barely out of his teens.  This individual is struggling, yet he’ll call my husband to talk.  My husband has told this recovering addict that he will do three things:  1) tell him he loves him, 2) tell him how proud of him he is, and 3) acknowledge to him what he is good at and encourage  him to grow in that area.  Then they talk about his strategy to get there.

This kid seems to be staying on the path.  He’s making progress.  As of now, he is working toward a year of being clean.  And they celebrate the milestones over lunch.

As parents we need to help our kids figure out what their hopes and dreams are and then help set them on a path to reach it.   We need to help them identify their strengths so they can grow and mature.  And we can put together a strategy to help them get there.

Romans 12:10

Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.

Psalm 32:8

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.

Dare you to check to see if your new strategy is full of love and encouragement toward growth.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Helping our kids grow to a healthy maturity means we look at parenting through a lens of abundance.  After all, isn’t that what God gives us–abundant life?

If you are looking for that abundant thinking in your own life and the life of your kids, why not join us in our With All Due Respect eCourse?  We hope you will grab the book and join us.

 

 

Are You Caught In the Extreme of Parenting?

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I hear it often from women– almost daily.  The excuses, I mean.  The “I don’t deserve, I wish it were better, If only I could be more, I should have,” and the list goes on.  In their mind, they never quite measure up.  And they start owning everything that goes with parenting.  They own the undone chores, or the behavior of their child, or the homework, the grades, or any wrong choice of their teen.

And I wonder what we need to be doing differently as parents so the next generation of moms-to-be (those kids under our roof right now) don’t leave a similar legacy to our grandchildren.

You see, those self-doubts most likely stem from childhood–a childhood where the now mom (maybe you?) didn’t feel like she measured up.  She wasn’t all that she should be as seen through the eyes of her parents or teachers.  So her beloved role of motherhood becomes an idol for perfection.  She wants to get this right so she tries a little too hard to help her child measure up and be perfect according to the standard her parents set for her.

Sometimes we push too hard, or expect too much of our kids, or on the other end of the spectrum help too much all because we want to be the successful parent.  I’m still wondering if we’re trying to reach that imaginary ideal so that we can receive our own parents’ approval, or our child’s teacher’s approval, or the approval of our friends or someone else.

Maybe our parenting is focused on us rather than what is best for the child.

Ouch!  Yes, I know that hurts.

Over the last ten years, I’ve learned to look at parenting through a different lens.  But let me first share what I’ve learned by observing two moms.

Almost two decades ago I watched as two mothers each with daughters the same age as mine parented in very different ways.  One mother had what I will call an “I love my daughter and I want to point out the good in her so that she becomes a healthy, functioning adult.”  The other mother had an “I love my daughter and I need to let my little girl recognize she is a sinner pointing out those sins so that she can get them under control.  If I do that, she’ll be a healthy, functioning adult.”

As you read those, I hope you can see that one was looking at parenting from a positive perspective while the latter was looking at her role as mom through a negative lens.  If you look closely, they are two extremes.

I know that each of these christian mothers loved their daughters dearly.  But one focused on the good while the other was focused on any wrongdoing.

If we want to have influence on our kids, and if we want to change the culture in a world where right and wrong are not easily defined, we need a little of both of these moms actually.  We need the mom who can point out the good in a way that breeds confidence and instills a bond in such a way that respect and mutual admiration is established.  By doing so we develop in our child a willingness to be open to our teaching because we’ve created a place of safety.  Our children will be more apt to share their mistakes too because we provide a place where mistakes aren’t looked at as “an unpardonable sin” but as an opportunity to learn. 

But let’s face it, there do need to be times when a teen’s sin becomes obvious and action needs to be taken.  If we are always focused on the good, what should we do then?

That’s when we should ask questions.

Sometimes stating the obvious creates defensiveness in the other person.  The brain is wired to automatically think “no” as a way of self-preservation so always pointing out our child’s sin, makes our teens want to revolt and do the opposite.  By asking questions we can help them discover what may be obvious to us.

Self-discovery through questions helps our teen recognize their wrongdoings on their own without the sting of our judgment.  The “WWJD — What would Jesus do?” can take on a totally new meaning when we gently ask our kids what the right thing to do would have been.

If we are gentle in our teaching, helping our children discover their shortcomings rather than making mountains out of what should be molehills, our children will learn to create their own standard to measure up to–hopefully the biblical standard.  Instead of taking on a rebellious spirit or a spirit of never being or doing enough, they will be better equipped to recognize both their strengths and their shortcomings.  And, then hopefully they won’t measure their success based on the success of their children in the future.

Philippians 4:8-9

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me or seen in me–put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.

Ephesians 6:4 

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Don’t we want our children leaving our homes never having to question whether they measure up? Don’t we want them to feel our unconditional love even when they don’t always get it right?  Don’t we want them focused on God’s standard for behavior rather than ours or the world’s?

Dare you to ask yourself some tough questions about how you parent in your home and what you are doing to set your children up to be a healthy, functioning adult.  

“Let go…and Let God”,

For those who are tired of the conflict with your kids and want better relationships, our Deflating Defensiveness Training Retreat: A Conflict Resolution Workshop is only a few weeks away.  Deadline for signup is May 15.  We guarantee that you’ll walk away with new skills and a new way of thinking about parenting–about all your relationships.  You’ll also strengthen your relationship with Him!

Dare you to be changed!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What if I Mess My Kid Up?

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As I talk to mothers across the country, I hear it more and more, “I’m afraid I’ll do something to mess my kid up”. 

I want us to take a step back from that statement and think deeply about what that real fear might be.

  1. Do we think that we might say something that will make our child want to leave home and never speak to us again?
  2. Are we afraid that our actions might cause our kids to make choices like drinking, taking drugs, cutting, getting pregnant, or something else?
  3. Do we think that they’ll need to be in therapy when they get older because of something we did?
  4. Are we fearful that if we don’t teach our kid everything they need to know our child might make a mistake and something bad will happen to them?

I’ve heard some women make comments like this and laugh afterwards hoping it comes across as a joke.  I wonder if deep down, under the surface, there is a subtle thought that one false move could turn their fear into a nightmare.   I wonder if holding onto that fear will move them toward abdicating their God given authority and perhaps swing them into the permissive parenting zone in order to not rock the boat with their kids?

Let’s face it.  We all want to be the best mom we can possibly be to our kids and the reality is that we won’t always get it right. 

No, we-won’t-always-get-it-right.

I hope you are breathing a sigh of relief here. 

I hope you are taking a deep breath and letting that reality sink in. 

You can let go of the fear, the anxiousness, and the “did I do that right? questioning”.  We don’t have to always second guess our decisions and wonder if everything will be okay.  The bottom line is that sometimes it won’t be all right.  Sometimes we will cause our child pain or frustration.  That is how they have to learn at times.

We also need to remember that we aren’t God.  If we parent as if we are in control of our kids’ world and their happiness, we’ll most likely mess them up anyway.

If you will, take a step back and think of where God has woven the tapestry of your own life.  Your childhood set you on a path.  You learned some tough things as you grew up.  You learned survival skills, and how to take ownership.  You learned that there will be good times and bad times.  You learned that your parents aren’t perfect and that sometimes Christians don’t always act like Christians.  You learned about relationships, and conflict, and a host of other things.  And sometimes it was painful.  And, yes, sometimes we’ve had to go to counseling for it so that we can better understand our past.

And that is okay.  Life should be a growth process.

The contexts in which you have learned have been in every aspect of your life — as a student, as a daughter, as a sister, as a wife, as an employee, and as a friend.  Through those contexts God has woven our testimony for our good and for His glory.

And He will do the same for our kids if we don’t get in the way.

Can we trust Him?

We don’t have to feel the weight of being the perfect mom.  We just need to be the best we possibly can given the tools we have in the moment.  The best thing we can do is learn who we are in the context of scripture and apply principles from His Word so that we will be what our kid needs in the day to day of life.  

We need to give our tweens and teens the freedom to make choices.  We need to build relationship.  We need to encourage independence.  We need to resolve conflict well.  We need to interact with respect.  We need to apologize when we mess things up.  And we need to be their safety net when they make wrong choices.  

God is weaving our kids’ journey that He wants to use for His glory.  And truth is that we might not like the path He allows them to go down.

The question we need to ask is, “Will we let Him be in control?”  Or, will we take ownership fearing that we will mess them up?

2 Timothy 1:7 

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and love, and self-control.

Matthew 6:31-33

Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

1 Peter 5:6

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

John 14:27 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Psalm 23:4 

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Letting go of fear means that we don’t have to worry or fret any more.  Letting go of fear means we can love more deeply regardless of the choices our kids make.  Letting go of fear is that we can admit that sometimes we will blow it.

Letting go of fear means that we trust God’s promise that He will work all things together for our good.

Dare you to see where fear might be impacting your relationship with your teen.

“Let go…and Let God”,

If you like what you are reading in my blogs, can I ask you for a favor?  Please share it on Facebook.  The more it gets shared the more we can impact families.  And that is my true heart’s desire — that as moms we will learn the Biblical context of respect in all of our relationships and especially with our kids.  We want to not only leave a legacy for this generation but the generations that follow.

For more information on what Greater Impact does as a ministry, check us out at www. greaterimpact.org.

If you’d like our free course, click here.