Teaching Our Kids To Date With Respect

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I’ve been talking with lots of moms who have kids in the dating phase of life.  And it is amazing the amount of emotional impact these relationships are having. Whether your kids are barely teenagers or are ready to move into their 20’s, the dating game has changed significantly over the past decade with the advent of smartphones, Facebook, and Snapchat.  What used to be said face-to-face can be tweeted, shared, deleted, or copy and pasted in a nanosecond.

And heartache goes viral instead of staying between two people.

A “he said”/”she said” becomes a drama played out among people who now have access to all the data and the intimate details.

And judgment is made, lines are drawn, and what should have been a difficult face-to-face exchange now becomes the gossip that can cause massive emotional trauma rather than just another heartbreak.

If you are in this stage of life with your kids, you’ve probably done more emotional intervention than you expected as your kids play the dating game.  And if you are not quite there yet, brace yourself for the inevitable and parent ahead with your kids so they know what the rules of dating should be in order to respect themselves and the other person.

So what kind of things could we teach our kids?  How do we help them learn to respect themselves along with the other person?  Based on the nitty-gritty coming from moms who have been open to sharing the things they’ve encountered with their kids, here are some talking points that might help your teens seeing dating from a different perspective.

  1. Dating comes with one of two outcomes–either marriage or heartbreak.  Expect a few heartbreaks.
  2. Chances are you are dating someone else’s spouse.  Treat the other person with the same respect as you would hope your future spouse is being treated.
  3. Remember that when you enter a dating relationship, you will most likely give the other person your heart, just as they are giving you their heart.  Hold onto that heart as if it is precious.  That way when/if you choose to take your heart back and return the other person’s heart to them, there is minimal emotional damage for both of you.
  4. Know that a broken relationship will result in some amount of heartache.  Grieve the loss rather than pretend it didn’t happen.  It is normal to feel hurt, anger, and sadness.  Just be sure to not take it out on the other person.
  5. Most of us have hopes and dreams of what romantic love looks like.  We have expectations of the other person.  Know that your significant other will not be able to meet all your expectations.
  6. Keep in mind that early in the relationship you will see perfection because you haven’t had time to see the other person’s flaws.  Date with your eyes open and be aware of the other person’s tendencies that don’t line up with your value system.  Also get perspective from your parents.
  7. Keep two sets of friends–the ones you’ve had as a single person and add the other person’s friends.  If you drop your friends to engage exclusively with the other person’s friends, the breakup will be even harder because you will have no one to lean on.
  8. Define the relationship early and set appropriate boundaries.  Your kids see acceptable boundaries based on what their friends are doing.  If your kids are in junior high, let them know that it is okay to be special boy/girl friends; however, you need to help them define the boundaries.  The same is true with late teen dating relationships. How much can they be on the phone together?  Curfew? Double dating vs. single dating? What about going on vacation with the other person’s family?  Can they be in your house alone?  What is acceptable touching/kissing?  What is appropriate for texting?  The earlier these are defined, the more you can “remind” them rather than fight about the issues.
  9. Talk about Facebook, Twitter, Snap Chat, and any other social media.  Kids need to understand do’s and don’ts that are appropriate for their age.  An “in a relationship” that is posted and then unfriended can be devastating for our kids as well as pictures that have been taken off social platforms.  Suddenly seeing that they have been replaced with another friend of the opposite sex can devastate them.   
  10. Encourage your kids to text only what they would feel comfortable with all their friends reading. Recently a mom told me that her daughter had texted an apology to a significant other about something she had said and done that was inappropriate.  Shortly afterwards, her daughter accidentally received a text from the boy where he had copied and pasted the apology with a note that was supposed to go to his friends.  She was horrified that he had been sending her texts to other people.  Suddenly everyone close to him knew her darkest secret.  
  11. Talk about sex and help your kids know where the boundaries are.  Have them talk about them up front with the other person before they get in the heat of the moment, i.e. “I’m saving sex until marriage” or “I want to be friends; holding hands is okay, kissing isn’t.”  Teach them things to say to the other person if the other teen is pushing boundaries.  “Wow, I wasn’t expecting that.  I’m not sure I feel comfortable doing this given where we are in the relationship.  Why don’t we go for a walk and cool things down.”
  12. When the time comes for a breakup, help your teen to think through what they plan to say and also let them know that the breakup needs to be in person. You can’t give a person back their heart over a text or Face Time.  Encourage them to explain the reason for the breakup, i.e. “I think you are a cool person, but I’m not feeling anything romantic” or “I like you a lot, but my priority right now needs to be ___ and I don’t have time to pour in to this relationship.” They should also state what the next steps should be, i.e. “If you text me, I will not be returning the texts”, or “I won’t be sitting with you at the games anymore”, or “I don’t want you hanging out with my friends.”  Let your teen understand that this needs to be done with kindness and not hostility even if the other person is making a scene.  Be kind but firm.
  13. Encourage your teen to forgive, especially if it is the other person who is initiating the breakup.

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses

In our teen’s life, they need to understand that the way they handle breakups does have impact on the other person in a huge way.  If they state their wishes, give reason for the breakup, and set boundaries for the future giving the other person their heart back with respect and dignity, chances are both kids can go into their next relationship in a healthy way.  Encourage your teens to treat the other person in the same manner they would like to be treated.  And encourage them to stand their ground and once the decision has been made that it is over–then they need to respect that and move on.

Helping our kids process a breakup can be a time of strengthening our relationship with our teens.  Our wisdom and perspective can help them grieve and move to the next phase of life if we are willing to engage in a respectful way.  Give them a hug and offer encouragement.  After all, they will be married all too soon.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Would you like to be in a better relationship with your kids where you can help them set boundaries in dating?  Would you like to deepen your relationship with God and your kids?  With All Due Respect isn’t just a book.  It’s deep thinking curriculum that will help you look at yourself as you parent.  It will give you insight as seen through the lens of moms who are farther ahead in the parenting arena.  Why not pick up your copy now or better yet, do it in a small group?

Don’t have a small group?  You can join our eCourse with women across the country that are learning how to connect on a deeper level.  There you will find support from your eCourse mentors as well as myself.  Hope to see you there.

 

Doing Life From the Platform of Respect

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A number of years ago my husband taught a junior high boys small group.  One of the topics that would always come up was how to treat members of the opposite sex.  I remember one of his lines well: “Remember, you don’t know whose wife you are dating.  Treat your girlfriend the way you hope your future wife to being treated now by the guy she is dating.”

As the conversation progressed, they would talk about holding hands, hugging, kissing, and the list would continue.

While the talks always centered around abstinence, the underlying theme was respect. 

Sometimes as I talk with parents now, it is like the light bulb begins to brighten.

If you are like me, most of our parents tried to teach respect with negative reinforcement.  “If you ever do that again, I’ll ______________.”  I’ll let you fill in the blank with how you were parented. 🙂

As I was growing up the same methodology was used with the breaking of any rule.  Breaking the rule = punishment.   Or maybe I could talk myself out of the punishment this time.

One of the conversations that I try to have with parents as they think about trying to get the “right behavior” from their teens, is to address the behavior change through heart change.  

In other words, give them an understanding of what it means to show respect to themselves and everyone involved in a particular situation and maybe you’ll change their heart and their behavior.

A woman approached me about her college student who was living under her roof for the summer.  She was frustrated that her son would come in sometime during the middle of the night while she and her husband were asleep.  While the mom always kept the light on so her son could see to get in, the garage door would wake her up.  Then she and her husband would hear the kid fumbling around in the kitchen making a snack while they were attempting to go back to sleep.  She was at the brink of saying, “If you can’t come in at a decent hour, you will need to find somewhere else to live.”

But thankfully she stopped herself.  Had she done that, most likely she was have instigated defensiveness and anger from her son tearing apart the relationship.

After we talked through her scenario, here’s what she said chose to say to her son.

“Honey, I know it’s hard to come home and have to live with our schedule.  However, I’d like to talk through what’s happening.  I know you really enjoy being with this girl.  As a matter of fact, I like her too.  I think the two of you are good for each other.  Can I put a different spin on this whole dating process and give you a different perspective of what is currently playing out?”

“Sure,” came his response.

“I know that you easily lose track of time while the two of you are together.  You seem to have a lot of fun together.  However, may I suggest that you become the leader in this relationship and show this girl how to respect herself.  She needs her rest and so do you.  You will always have more time to be together.”

“I’m also guessing that her parents will be more open to you as someone they would like their daughter to see more of if they see you as respectful.  Didn’t you tell me that they both work?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I’m wondering if they get woken up when their daughter comes in? 

One of the ways to get others to respect you is for you to respect them.  By getting your girlfriend home at a reasonable hour, you are communicating that you respect the girl and her parents.”

“I never thought of that”, he replied.

“There is another piece to this.  I know that you don’t mean to wake your dad and me up when you come home; but the fact is, you do.  When you are getting food from the kitchen after you come it, it keeps me from getting back to sleep easily.  This is starting to make me feel disrespected and resentful.  I’m guessing that is not what you are trying to do, but you need to know that I don’t like feeling frustration towards you.  I love you and want the best for you and for everyone involved.  You have the ability to influence what people think and feel based on your interactions with them, and I’m hoping that you will work on respecting yourself by respecting the other people in this situation.  Just know that I love you and want this to work for all of us.”

“I never thought of it that way.  I do want her parents to respect me and I’m not trying to interrupt your sleep.  I’m sorry.  I’ll try to do better.”

When I asked the mom how it was going after the conversation, she was honest.

“Well, it certainly isn’t perfect yet.  However, he is better about texting me when he is going to be late.  I’ve also noticed he’s a lot quieter in the kitchen now,” she laughed.

“And the other thing is, I’m more confident in continuing to have the conversation.  I’m realizing that one time with these kids doesn’t solve the problem.  But just understanding why he’s coming home late puts my mind at ease so I’m learning to sleep better and not worry.  And I’m beginning to understand more about who he is now on a heart level rather than a behavior that is frustrating me level.”

Zechariah 8:16

These are the things that you shall do: Speak the truth to one another; render in your gates judgments that are true and make for peace;

Ephesians 4:16

From whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

 

Dare you to look at life through the lens of respect as you teach your kids how to interact with others.  When kids learn self-respect, they can more easily apply it to how they can influence others in a positive way.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

Do you know parents who are struggling with their tweens and teens?  Or maybe you have kids that are starting to pull away in a way that feels foreign and a bit unhealthy?

That’s why With All Due Respect was written.  

It will challenge your thinking as you parent toward the launch of your kids into the adult world.

Here’s what one mom had to say:

“I can’t believe how much this book has shifted my thinking, my behavior, and my expectations.  I had no idea how much I could do to influence my “problem” child.  Thank you for writing this book!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be Aware! The Dating Game is Changing

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This week in USA Today a shocking story hit the press that will influence our teens.  Many Americans are well aware that sleeping together early in the dating relationship is almost a given for a lot of teens.  TV and movies portray this as normal behavior and it has influenced more than a generation.  As parents we might  caution our kids and tell them sex is for marriage, but when pressure from the culture is hitting them from all directions at a time when they are taking steps toward independence, who will they listen to?  

Parents?

Teachers?

Coaches?

Peers?

Media?

According to the latest survey of single Millennials (remember that this includes our 18 year olds) over 1/3 of this demographic had sex before they decided if they want to spend time with that person!  It is as if the act of sex is an interview for compatibility.  Sex is no longer considered the intimate part of the relationship.

Like it or not our kids are not only being influenced by their peers, but if they have teachers and coaches they look up to, they are being influenced by them as well.  If the teacher or coach is in the under 34 age range and is single, they fall in that Millennial generation of values.

A mom recently shared a story about what was happening in their high school.  A contracted school nurse, a Millennial, had an open door policy especially for the athletes.  She would openly coach these boys on “how to get the girl” and would even go as far as arrange dates for these kids.  She was seen hooking kids up at the mall and sometimes hanging out with them.  

Think of the influence.

Like it or not the values of these adult figures will greatly impact how our kids see the world.

We need to remember that the world our kids live in is not the world we grew up in.

So what can you do to counter the culture in a way that will better align your tweens and teens values with your family values?

  1. Stay on your knees – daily.  And be sure to tell your kids that you are praying for them.
  2. Share articles like the one linked above.  Kids need to know what they will face in the world and what your values are.  Talk about the world they live in.
  3. Talk to them early.  Too many times as parents we fail to have these conversations early enough.  If your kid knows what sex is, then stories like this as well as sex or dating on TV and in movies is a great place to start.  What I hear most often from parents is that they waited too late because they wanted to protect their child’s innocence.  It is more important to talk to them young when they are willing to listen and learn from you.  
  4. Share what Scripture has to say.  If kids have a good relationship with you and a solid foundation for their values, they are more likely to stand up to the influences around them.
  5. Be honest with your kids.  Tell them your concerns about their future.  Share your regrets or some of the regrets of your friends or family members.  
  6. Role play.  If your kids are willing, role play situations they might find themselves in or maybe some they have already been in.  Teach them the skills and build their confidence to counter the peer pressure.
  7. Build relationship.  Even though our kids are reaching for independence, if we choose to interact with them in a respectful manner, the relationship will still be maintained and our kids will want to emulate us.

Deuteronomy 6:7

You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.  

Last night my husband and I were watching a Netflix episode of a police drama.  One of the single dad cops was trying to figure our who was targeting a swim suit fashion model.  Of course, the cop kills the guilty party and becomes the hero, but as the show comes to the finale, all the models start parading their bikini’s in a runway fashion show. And to my surprise, the cop’s 11 year old daughter is welcomed to the event with open arms and gets paraded backstage to hang out with the models in their dressing room.

And my thought became–“What parent in their right mind would do that?”

It is easy to get caught up in the world’s value system and the excitement of opportunity.  As parents it is easy to get sucked into what other parents allow their kids to do without thinking of future impact.  Letting go is not easy when the culture is encouraging a different mindset, but respectful communication can strengthen the odds that they’ll embrace your values.

Dare you to pay attention to who is influencing your kids and counter their culture with your influence by having discussions before the world does.

“Let go…and let God”,

 

 

 

My Teen is having Sex!

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is-your-kids-obedience-more-important

For most of us the words “My Teen is having Sex!” would send us spiraling into terror.  Our pulse would race, we’d be gasping for air, and most likely our minds would go into that world of “What If’s”.

We’d start blaming ourselves for what we didn’t teach our kid or what we did wrong in our parenting.  We’d want to lock our kid in their room until they are 30 and can make better decisions.

In other words–we’d want to control the situation and possibly make sure it doesn’t happen again.

If you are like most Christian parents, teens having sex outside of marriage affects you deeply at the core of your value system.  And depending on how you might have struggled with your sexuality as a teen or young adult, the potential regrets and possible abuse involved, or a transgression from a spouse could send you to the very place the enemy wants you–a place where your desire for your teen’s obedience and compliance with your values becomes more important than the relationship.

So how can you stay calm in the midst of the emotional storm that threatens to take you into a pit of despair?  How can you maintain the relationship with your teen in a healthy way that breathes life into your relationship rather than playing the game of blame–blame toward yourself for not being a good  enough parent and blame toward your teen for not following the right path?

  1. Acknowledge that your teen is a separate human being who can and will make their own decisions.  At this stage of the game you can mentor–walk beside them–but you can’t control their every move 24/7.   Tell this to yourself as well as your teen.
  2. Validate your teen’s sexual desires and talk about the world’s view versus your view.  Let’s face it, sex is everywhere in our culture.  TV and movies portray sex like shaking hands.  You and I are friends, let’s hop in bed together is the world’s mentality. Remember that our teens are having to make choices between our beliefs and the world’s when their frontal lobe won’t be fully functioning for almost another decade.
  3. Listen to your teen’s view on sex without judgment and without emotion.  Find out how invested they are in the relationship.  You can share your beliefs and make suggestions after hearing them out, but be sure to agree to disagree if need be in a calm manner expressing your sadness–not your anger.
  4. Take necessary precautions.  This is where I know I’ll get into trouble in the Christian community. If your teen is choosing to have sex, make sure it is safe sex.  Here’s why.

Proverbs 17:17

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.

As Christians, we need to think about how we can best love our teen who is struggling. Why would we want to bring potential harm to this person whom God gave us to tend and nurture when we have the means to help protect them?

Once we have knowledge that our child is having sex, we now have the ability to arm our teen with the means to protect them from something more–pregnancy, STD, or some other fate.

We need to not believe the lie that providing birth control means that we are condoning the behavior.  Be honest, tell your teen why you are doing it–to protect them and you.  Arm them while still putting boundaries in place–especially in your home that you can control.  But continue to stand firm on why you think their promiscuity is a mistake.

Yes, there will still be other possible consequences such as future regret and a broken heart that we can’t protect, but we need to remember that the relationship is more important than the behavior.

I’ll admit, ten years ago I would never have bought into the concepts in this post.  It’s amazing what God does to a person’s heart when He allows us to see the pain and broken relationships other women have endured from God fearing Christian parents who had good intentions.  Working with women who have the scars of their family’s love that turned into anger-filled control when they “made wrong decisions” helps me see their need for love and acceptance in spite of their choices.

What these women long for more than anything is to feel the loving arms of their parents saying “I don’t agree with your decision.  I wish I could change your mind.  I wish you would accept that as your parent I do know that this mistake will lead you to a place you really don’t want to go.  You know what the Bible says about sex outside of marriage and this decision is about your relationship with God more than it is about your relationship with me.  But as your mother, I accept that you are your own person and I will walk beside you and will always be here when you need me.”

I re-engaged with a woman a couple of months ago who was caught in this very dilemma more than a decade ago.  Her teen daughter was having sex and rather than becoming that hysterical mom she calmly and rationally talked about the situation.  Knowing her daughter wasn’t going to change the behavior, Mom took her daughter to the gynecologist in an effort to create relationship as well as prevent an unwanted pregnancy.  I asked her specifically, “How is your relationship with your daughter today?”

Her response, “It’s good.  She is happily married and I see her at least once and sometimes twice a week.  She is even talking about trying to get pregnant soon.”

Isn’t that what we want as parents–to see our kids thrive after we’ve walked with them through the difficulties of life.

Dare you to not let the enemy steal your relationship with your teen as you navigate the turbulent waters.

“Let go…and let God”,

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I’d love to dialogue with you over the issue of teen sex in our culture today.  Got thoughts you’d like to share?

 

Are You Ready to Allow Your Daughter to Sleep Over at Her Boyfriend’s House?

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Camping couple hugging and enjoying the sunset

Sleepovers were fond memories when my kids were in elementary school.  Typically a best buddy would show up, they’d play some games, watch a movie, and camp out on the family room floor.   Harmless for the most part.

By junior high and high school, that phase of life seemed to be a thing of the past for our family.  I’m guessing I was lucky on that front.  At some point along the way my kids seemed to recognize that they needed sleep and the best buddy would be available the next day.

It wasn’t until my kids were in college that there seemed to be a radical twist to the whole sleepover thing.  Maybe it was when my college freshman started sharing co-ed dorm stories that I saw what was really happening in the young adult world.

I remember my son telling me about getting out of the shower in the men’s restroom that was down the hall from his dorm room.  Stepping out on the wet tile floor as he began to dry himself off, he spotted them–two girls who were primping in front of the mirror.  Yes! In the men’s restroom on the men’s floor.  Embarrassed and shocked beyond belief, he quickly wrapped himself in a towel and headed down the hallway.  

“Mom, it’s just what I deal with on a regular basis.  You learn to live with it.  It’s just part of life.  Guys and girls don’t share dorm rooms 24/7 but, Mom, they are sharing dorm rooms.”

Wow!

And that’s how our kids become numb to all the morals we’ve tried to teach them while in our home.  They start seeing the immorality in the world as “normal”.

It wasn’t long until I started hearing moms of college students, church moms even, saying things like, “Yeah, my daughter just stayed at her boyfriend’s last night.  It was late and she didn’t want to come home because she was concerned the roads were slick.”  

“His parents don’t mind?” I asked one woman.

“Oh, he has his own place.  I know it was alright.  I’m sure nothing went on.  I trust them.”

Hmm…

Another mom told me how her daughter was going to visit her boyfriend who had just gotten a job out of state.  Yes, a long weekend alone in his apartment, together.  

“I trust her.  After all, she’s an adult.  It’s not like I can stop her,” mom responded.  

Truth be told, she’s right.

And typically what happens with the college crowd, starts happening with the high school kids eventually.

Eventually has arrived.

High School co-ed sleepovers are now the new rage.  Parents are starting to get the full-court press from their kids to sleep over at the boyfriend or girlfriend’s house.  After all, what’s the big deal?

“You trust me, don’t you, Mom?  What’s going to happen?  His parents will be home.”

And parents are caving to the requests.  

While these requests might seem preposterous to us as parents, know that our kids are making choices on how they will view the world.  Our response is not only important in setting the morality standard for when they leave for college as adults, but is also important in how they will lead the next generation.

If you haven’t gotten the request yet, this is your opportunity.  Start the conversation!  

Here are some pre-parenting ideas:

  1. Bring up the subject.  In today’s media culture your kids will hear about this if they haven’t already.  Ask them what they think about it.  Find out if they know kids that are having co-ed sleepovers.
  2. Listen. Let them talk without passing judgment.  Words like “Hmm…and wow…and really…” should keep them talking.
  3. Ask them to look at it through the lense of scripture with you.   
  4. Let them know why as a parent you would have to say ‘no’ to such a request without emotion.
  5. Talk about sexual temptation.

As parents, we can’t be afraid to say “no” when morality issues are at stake.  Just because their friends are doing it, just because we trust our kids, and just because we want our kids to like us is not an excuse.

Kids need limits and boundaries to establish healthy patterns in life.  They need parents who build relationship in such a way that we can influence the next generation to stop and consider good from evil.

Roman 12:1-2

Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is you spiritual service of worship.  And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

Dare you to boldly start the dialogue before you get hit with the request.  Help your kids stay focused on scripture’s view of good versus the world’s view by talking about it now so you can influence your kids early.

“Let go…and let God”,

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