Caution! Kids Coming Home from College!!

/2 Comments/in , , , , , /by

I can’t wait ’til the kids come home from college!! That means the true festivities can begin! Putting up the tree together, making cookies, conversations around the dinner table, and hearing all about their world!

Sometimes I think they are as excited as I am. It means that finals are over and the pressure is off for a few weeks. Yeah! No more studying and no more tests! A true break from their stressed out world.

The first week or so are usually great! I let them sleep in for a few days, knowing they are tired from the chaotic world they live in.

They’re content to spend time talking and just hanging out with the family…

But then it happens.

Once the Christmas preparations are over…

Once the presents are unwrapped …

Once they’ve caught up on sleep and they’ve talked us through their life on campus…

Boredom sets in.

And tension between the siblings starts getting more pronounced.

Sometimes they find contentment in trying to reconnect with high school friends…sometimes they do not…

They typically start living in our home, like they live in their dorm room…forgetting about the “rules for picking up after themselves.”

And with anxious anticipation, they’re ready to leave…wishing it was time to go back to their college routine…wanting to regain their independence!

Unfortunately, sometimes we think that won’t come soon enough.

So…

How do we create an environment that will last through our college kid’s entire break? So when they leave, it is with memories of good times and anticipation of the next time they get to come home?

GRACE…lots of GRACE!

And setting of expectations.

Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your mouth, but only such [speech] as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God’s favor) to those who hear it. Ephesians 4: 29

Several years ago, one of my sons had just returned to college for the last semester of his senior year. By then, I’d experienced several Christmas breaks where he just wanted to be back at school…back to his independent world…and this one had been no different.

And two weeks into the semester, he was back, sitting on my couch for what I knew would be a long road. His world had turned upside down in the matter of a few minutes with a shattered foot, surgery, and a long recovery. No graduation…no friends…no life…and very little to look forward to. He couldn’t work, he couldn’t drive, he couldn’t pick up after himself, and his friends from high school years were all long gone. His world became one of isolation with only family.

And because of his circumstances, I was able to extend Grace…lots of Grace!

It dawned on me that I could either look at this as an invasion to my world…woe is me.

Or…

I could look at this as an opportunity to build an adult relationship with a son who was stuck in a place where he didn’t necessarily want to be.

And we had a conversation…

“Son, I know this will be a difficult time for you. I know that you want to be back at school living an independent life with your friends and the world you’ve created. I also know that I’m used to a level of independence since you no longer live here.”

“I also know that this is a season and that it will be hard for all of us.”

“There are going to be times, when you are going to get on my nerves and I won’t handle it well. There are going to be times when everyone in this house gets on your nerves, and you won’t handle it well. But we are going to work through the conflict. We’re going to talk through our feelings. And we are all going to get through this together. Your total independence is coming and I want us to both be working toward the same goal.”

“When you leave this house, son, I want to leave here with fond memories and not memories of strife. When you leave here, I want us to still be friends.”

“You and I have the same goal…your independence!”

As parents, we need to encourage our children’s independence. We certainly don’t want them living in our basement for the rest of their lives.:)

DARE YOU this holiday season to extend GRACE.

DOUBLE DARE YOU to post how you deal with the holiday boredom conflict.

Still learning how to extend His grace to my kids.

“Let go…and let God!”

Debbie


Electronic Christmas

/0 Comments/in , , , /by

If your house is anything like mine, you’ve already gotten the Christmas Wish List from your tweens and teens! The tradition of telling Santa what they want has now been squarely transferred to us and with every carpool conversation comes, “I hope I get ___________!” (Insert the latest electronic gadget here).

And just like our heavenly father who wants to shower good gifts on us, we want to shower gifts on our children.

“It’s Christmas! He’ll be so surprised! I can’t wait to see the look on his face!”  

“It’s the only thing she wants this year!  I have to get it.”

“Jessica’s parents have already bought her one, so I feel like we need to get one for Lindsay.”

And the list of lies goes on?

“What? List of lies? What’s wrong with getting our kids what they want for Christmas?”

NOTHING…maybe…

But as parents, we need to be thinking ahead of what our kids will DO with those electronic gadgets! 

Now, please don’t misunderstand me here. In our house, we have LOTS of electronic gadgets. Yes, we have gaming systems…and cell phones…and hand held computers. But my challenge to you is…given your kid’s age…maturity…predisposition for doing the wrong thing…THINK BEFORE YOU BUY.

What do I mean by that?

Matthew 7:11 says…

“If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!

Notice that the verse says that we “being evil”…

Our kids do stupid stuff…there is an “evilness” in all of us…even those cute little faces!

And there are apps for phones, and cameras, and internet accessibility that some tweens and teens are just not ready to handle.

“Does that mean you shouldn’t make the purchase?”

Not necessarily…

The real question is…”Are you giving a gift for your child to use as they desire because it is theirs?”

Or…”Are you willing to give the gift of responsibility to teach your tween or teen how to handle them appropriately?”

Have you thought about the boundaries that will need to be put around the device?

DARE YOU to think about giving your kid the gift the gift “that is good” rather than the gift that they want.

DOUBLE DARE YOU to share what boundaries you will put on your kid’s electronic Christmas this year.

Learning to take the potential negative impact to build positive character in my teens.

“Let go…and let God”

Debbie


Imposter?

/6 Comments/in , , /by

Plastering a fake smile on my face, I joined my Thursday morning small group. I had been in this Bible study of over 50 women for a couple of years, but the leader had decided to change things up two weeks before, placing us in random small groups. Of course, I ended up in a group with mostly people I didn’t know. Ugh! I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be here. I enjoyed the comfort of the way things were.

“With the way I am feeling today, maybe this is a good thing,” I thought to myself. “No one in this group would need to know my true story. Maybe it would be easier to put on a persona with these women rather than share the raw feelings of being an inept mother. Today I could pretend…”

“Isn’t that what you always do?” I heard the small voice from somewhere in my brain. “No one knows who you really are anyway.”

I sighed as my thoughts continued. “Guess I’m getting pretty good at playing the imposter. No one in this church would want to have anything to do with me, especially if they knew what was going on in our home.”

As the morning progressed, we started sharing in our small groups. I was amazed at the depth of pain Carrie shared as she told how her husband had left her and their three sons. I found it unbelievable that she was not crying, not angry, not bitter…she seemed at peace. “Wow, the strength of this woman.”

Laura was the next to speak. “Pray for my 22 year old daughter. The guy she is living with has recently been diagnosed with…”

“Oh, my, I can’t believe she said that out loud,” rattled through my head. A guy her daughter is living with…whoa! Carrie quickly comforted Laura with her words as I sat wondering how much Laura and I might be able to relate to each other. We both had daughters who seemed to be struggling.

092812_2055_Pretender1.jpgAs my turn came around, just as I had started to share a little about my wonderful family, my cell phone started to vibrate. I ignored it.
I continued my story…the cell phone continued to vibrate. I attempted to ignore it again.

By the third time, I mumbled, “I better take this. One of my teens is home sick today.”

I didn’t recognize the number, but as I heard the other voice on the phone, I began to shake uncontrollably. All my fears came rushing to the forefront of my mind. Quickly, I left the room so I could talk in private.

“I just wanted to call to make sure you are home,” the voice echoed from the other end. I was shocked! It was her voice…the voice of my daughter’s latest boyfriend’s mother. “How did she get my number?” I wondered. I wasn’t exactly thrilled that my daughter was dating her son. I had lots of concerns…no, major concerns!

“Well, uh, no, I’m not. Tamara, is there a problem?”

“I just think you should be home if you can. I’m at work already. I understand that both of our kids are home sick today. I just thought they might be up to something…”

“Thanks for letting me know. I’ll head home now.” I muttered as tears started falling uncontrollably. Quickly, I headed back to my group to get my purse and keys. The ladies were praying…praying for me!

As I quietly sat down to reach my purse, tears still streaming down my face, they all looked up with expectancy. I didn’t have a chance to hide. I was too emotional to even think about putting my mask back on. It was the moment of truth when I shared…really shared…my thoughts…my pain…my ineptness as a mother…and now my most recent concerns…

With tears streaming down my face, tissues were being placed into my shaking hands. Several women had tears in their eyes…especially Laura. I realized that she could relate to my pain the most. She put her arms around me and began praying as the others joined in. Calm began to replace my churning stomach. Peace began to fill my mind.

“You need to go now, sweetie,” they chorused. “We’ll be praying. See you next week.”

I prayed all the way home bracing myself for what I might find and rehearsing how I’d react if I found them together.

 As I entered the house, all was quiet. I tiptoed upstairs as my daughter walked out of her room. “Oh, did you go somewhere?” she mumbled wiping sleep from her eyes.

“I went to Bible study.”

“Oh, I just woke up. I really feel awful,” she sniffled.

“Did you know that Brad was home sick today?” I asked.

“No,” she replied. “How do you know?”

As I later replayed the events of the day on my knees, it occurred to me that I was living my life in fear. Fear of what my kids were doing, fear of their choices, fear of what people might think…of them…of me. Honestly, I was afraid of being judged as a parent…therefore, the mask.

“For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13.

BOTTOM LINE: If we continue to wear the mask, living in fear, we lose the opportunity of being strengthened by others that God has already refined who have walked before us in the parenting process.

Dare you to ask God for a friend with whom you can share your parenting woes.

Double dare you to schedule a time to meet with the friend.

Bravely walking the journey with you…without the mask…

“Let go and let God…”

Debbie