Dare You to Think Different as you Parent Your Teens

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This week I dared to be different.  

You see, I spoke at an all women’s christian leadership retreat and wore hot pink nails.  Now I know that some of you are saying, “So what?  I do that all the time.”  Others are saying, “You are kidding, right?”

But let me explain further.

I tend to be a conformer.  I don’t want to rock the boat and I don’t want to offend.  I don’t want other people to see something about me and judge me, so I tend to dress conservatively, behave conservatively, and make sure I know my audience before I speak.  After all, I want them to listen.  Right?  

But my daughter taught me something different–something that I think all parents could learn from.

Dare to be yourself.

It is okay to be unique.

So I wore my hot pink nails to the conference in memory of my daughter who loved everything hot pink.  She challenged me to be bold in my thinking, to step out of my comfort zone, and that fun versus conservative can be a good thing.

The christian women attending the retreat were from  different denominations of churches and they dressed in various outfits that may or may not have conformed to a given church’s style.  Some wore shorts, others wore long dresses. I saw long pants and Capri while some wore head coverings.  But regardless, of what we wore, we all had something in common on the inside — the love of Jesus.   

We accepted our differences–without judgment or condemnation.

My question to you is are you trying to make your tweens, teens, or twenty-somethings conform to your idea of how they should dress or act based on possible negative perception by your friends or church?  Are you pushing them to do things your way because you want them to walk, talk, and think like you?

Can we laugh at their hot pink nails, or bold blue hair, or live with the fact that they want to do something outlandish in a fun sort of way?

Or is our identity wrapped up in our kids’ looks or behavior?  Are we trying to clone ourselves?  Or are we wanting to duplicate the people with which we are associated?

A few years ago I picked up a book entitled Bringing Home The Prodigals by Rob Parsons.  I expected the author to give me ways to connect with my challenging child who was making choices that put her in the ‘prodigal’ category.  But as I read the book, I was challenged at all my “rules” as a parent.  I’m challenged to look at “church” from my teen’s perspective.  If church is boxing my child in to conform a certain way, is that what I really want as a parent?  Will that push my kid to be a prodigal?

Yes, it is easier to parent a child who is a “rule follower”.  

But I want to raise kids who are world changers!

I want my kids to follow their calling in life that God lays before them, not what I think the world should be.

I want kids who are dripping with the love of Jesus such that others can see Him.  And sometimes wild and crazy will attract the non-believer and give opportunity to share Jesus in the midst of what we might consider someone else’s chaotic life.

Because of my “prodigal”, people have entered my home who I would never had opportunity to interact with because our lives would never have crossed.  Because of my “prodigal”, drug users have attended my church.  Because of my “prodigal”, people who would have never seen a different side of life have found that there is hope and a different way of living.

 Romans 12:2

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

The bottom line is that God’s will might not be our will.  He may be creating a world changer in your home.  

Dare you to focus on the love of Jesus in your home rather than the rules of conformity.  And if you do, maybe you’ll have kids wildly devoted to Him.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

Interested in leading a parenting Bible study that will have women sharing on a deep level from the beginning?  Want them to walk away with a WOW! experience?  With All Due Respect will do just that and we promise to make it easy to lead.  You don’t need to be a perfect parent; you don’t need to have perfect kids; and you don’t need to have ever led a group before.

A Small Group Leader’s Guide is also available with questions for group discussion. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4 Things Parents Can Do When Their Teens Complain About Church

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Keeping our teens in church can sometimes be a major point of stress for Christian parents.  We realize the value of worship with other believers but we want our kids to find that same purpose for their lives.  When our teens start rebelling about getting up on Sunday morning or complaining that it is boring or they don’t like the youth group, it’s a wake up call to make sure we are fully engaged.  

If indeed our faith is  important to us this rebellion needs to be handled with a Christ-like spirit of love and patience.  We need to talk about our faith with our kids so that they see that we have a heart of relationship with a living God and we want to have that same relationship with them.

Parents need to assume that the church is there to help in their child’s spiritual development rather than to be the driving force.  George Barna in his book Revolutionary Parenting makes the statement that “typical parents know little about the content and conduct of their church’s ministry to young people beyond details related to time and place.”

If we want to our kids to stay in church, we need to lay the foundation at home and make sure that the church is there to support our values and training of our teens in a way that provides depth in character and a deeper faith.  While it is great when youth programs provide entertaining activities to help the kids get to know each other in a more relaxed environment, we need to find a church that focuses on their calling of being like Jesus and loving others in such a way as to woo them into the kingdom of heaven.  If pizza parties and Frisbee golf or Lazar Tag ‘to bring them in’ is the church’s mentality, and all they are providing is friendship and fun, then as our kids get older they can find that same appeal from any group whether or not it is faith-based.

If we want our kids to remain in the church it is our job to make it an integral part of our parenting strategy as our kids enter the turbulent teen years.  Making sure it is the right church is the key.

So what are the steps we should take when our kids start complaining about church?

  1. Don’t freak out.
  2. Create safety for them to share their frustrations with you.
  3. Ask permission to allow you to share a different perspective.
  4. Be prepared to problem solve with a spiritual perspective.

Several years ago my son was complaining about our church.  He didn’t feel connected to the kids in the youth group partially because we lived in a different community.  He knew some kids at a different church and asked to attend there.

We agreed to take him to the other church to try it out  on Sunday mornings for a few weeks. I would attend the new church with my son and my husband attended our church with our other three kids.

The first week my son was enthralled with the new experience.  He loved the new church and was convinced he had found the place where he belonged.  A week later he attended an overnight event so that he could connect with the guys and have some male bonding.  Within a month he was ready to return to our church.  When he returned he was much more content and willing to engage.  

Conflict avoided.

Sometimes our kids just need to be heard.  They need to know that we respect that they might not always like what we like in a given church and that our real desire is for them to cultivate a relationship with Jesus Christ.

Church should be a place where our teen can grow and thrive.  Be open to the potential of a new church for a period of time if necessary.  It will not only strengthen your child’s faith but will bolster his identity as he feels respected by you.

By feeling accepted and valued, your teen and soon-to-be twenty-something will most likely see the relevance of being part of the church long before they start having their own family.  Hopefully, it will become a way of life.

“Let go…and let God”,

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Sign up for our on-line eCourse which starts September 26, 2016.  You’ll have an opportunity to go through the new book With All Due Respect:40 days to a more fulfilling relationship with your teens and tweens with me and a group of moms just like yourself.  Learn and interact while gaining new communication skills. Be sure to get in on the discounted price while it lasts.  I’ll be available for personal interaction in the class.  Hope you’ll join me.  Click here for more information.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ways to Deepen Your Teen’s Faith

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happy young teens group in school have fun an learning lessons

Keeping our teens in church consists of multiple facets.  Community, relevancy, acceptance, and resolution in times of conflict are all important in keeping them involved.  However, if you are like most parents, your true desire is to help deepen our kid’s faith.  It is one thing to hear the Word; it is quite another to see it played out.

Find a church where teens have opportunity to serve.

As Shaunti Feldhaun’s research points out — our teens want to feel significant and respected. Being a part of something bigger and walking beside adult leaders is a great way for teens to learn leadership and servant hood skills.  It makes their faith relevant.  Teens want to feel as if they are needed in the body of Christ.  It gives them purpose while watching adults truly model their faith.

Many churches get creative when it comes to getting teens involved.  One church we attended had a full-blown Easter drama each year where teens were able to use their musical and acting talents.  A youth program had a week of serving widows and single parents by doing odd jobs around their homes.  Another did outreach to the inner city kids with VBS.  An AWANA program used teens to listen to younger kids’ scripture memory.  Whether it is a mission’s trip where teens can work alongside adults or a youth team led by a strong leader who can model mature godly character traits for the students, teens take on their faith when they are plugged into mentors who truly want growth toward maturity for them.

One mom shared a story of the great youth program her kids were involved in.  The youth pastor saw the need for leadership and outward focus.  For kids that wanted to be involved in leadership, once a month after Sunday service he’d bring in pizza and have the kids meet in their team of interest.  One of those teems was coined ICU which really meant ‘I see you’.  The purpose of that team was to find the fringe kids who didn’t appear to be connected.

One summer her freshman went on a weekend retreat with the group and started wondering around by himself because he didn’t really know anyone well.  One of the students from the ICU team spotted her son and befriended him.  He went from a back row, “I don’t want to go to youth group” kid, to a front row, “hurry up we have to get to church on time” kid in a few weeks.

After that, he couldn’t wait to be on the ICU team the following year.  He saw value in what another student had done for him and he wanted to pour into the next kid who might be feeling the same way.

Isn’t that what Christian living is all about—multiplication of our faith in a way that builds each other up such that our teens will want to pour into others.  It makes them realize the significance of their part within the body of the church: both to serve and be served.

“Let go…and let God”,

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Sign up for our on-line eCourse which starts September 26, 2016.  You’ll have an opportunity to go through the new book With All Due Respect:40 days to a more fulfilling relationship with your teens and tweens with me and a group of moms just like yourself.  Learn and interact while gaining new communication skills. Be sure to get in on the discounted price while it lasts.  I’ll be available for personal interaction in the class.  Hope you’ll join me.  Click here for more information.

 

 

 

How Do You Handle Your Teen’s Frustration With People in the Church?

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young music player and band friends have training in home garage

Let’s be honest.  There is no perfect church.  Any time there are people involved human nature will play out and conflicting opinions will surface.  Part of life for us as parents is to navigate those difficult waters with our kids so that it doesn’t trample their desire to be part of the church and to follow Christ.

I love what Benjamin L. Corey says in his blog, “The Church of all places should look like Jesus!“

Wouldn’t it be awesome if the church was filled with authentic people who were others  focused and conflict was worked through and resolved.  Truth is that everyone we come in contact with is on a journey and not everyone is at the same place of maturity in their faith.

So what do we do as parents when problems arise for our teens and they are hurt by people in the church?

Shaunti Feldhaun’s research in For Parents Only says that teens tend to stop talking because parents don’t listen. They want to feel heard.

It is only natural when we as parents feel strongly about our Faith that we would want to defend our decision as parents to attend a particular church.  After all, we want our kids to not only take on our faith and live it out in their lives but we also want them to see the value in being part of a church body.  All too often parents tend to freak out because of the emotion involved when our kids decide they don’t want to attend church any more which can turn the situation into a downward spiral.

When your kid tells you they no longer want to go to youth group or they don’t want to go to church anymore, take the time to listen and understand.  Don’t dish out judgment, condemnation, or threats.

LISTEN and problem solve. 

Here’s some suggestions:

  • Listen with ears to understand. Watch your body language and tone in the conversation.
  • Ask probing questions that lead to further understanding.
  • Once you’ve identified what you think the problem is, ask your child for time to look into it further and seek information from other trusted adults.
  • Don’t panic. What was a problem one week might totally blow away by the next week.  If it persists, continue investigating.
  • Know that sometimes a persistent problem may have been going on for some time and your child is just now telling you about it. Be aware that the wounds from the offense might be deeper than you think.
  • Be honest with your child about your concern that a situation could taint his view of God and the church.  Talk about it.
  • Work out a win-win for your child and you. Offer up options to solve the problem and try to do so, but know that in the end the goal is to make sure your child knows that you are on their team.

Several years ago one of my kids signed up to play keyboard on a rotating youth worship team.  He was so excited.  As a freshman, he would be playing with a group of mostly juniors and seniors who had been leading worship for several years.  I knew the kids and their parents.  They were awesome kids so I thought it would be a great experience for him.

I also had met the adult leader who had responsibility for the group.  She loved music and she loved the kids.  Another big plus and reason to believe it was a perfect situation.

His excitement was high initially.  Even though the youth group had a keyboard, it was marginal at best.  My husband went out and bought a case for my son’s keyboard so that he could be more successful.  We ended up hauling it back and forth for practices and Sunday worship—a huge commitment on our part.

About five months into the experience I sensed something might be going on.  I would cart my son and the keyboard to practice and sit in the parking lot only to find out that practice had been rescheduled but my son hadn’t been notified.  About a month later, my son started complaining that he didn’t think the other kids liked him.  Soon after he had not only quit the team but refused to go back to youth group.

What I discovered was that the older kids were leading the band.  The adult leader saw her job as supervisor only to make sure the kids didn’t do something stupid while they were in the building and to make sure they had a set list put together for Sunday morning.  She didn’t involve herself in the practice at all.  She was strictly in the building.

These kids didn’t have the experience of working with a keyboard player nor were they quite mature enough to lead a group of varying instruments.  I knew my son had the skill set to play well.  I heard him when he practiced regularly at home.  However, the kids didn’t realize that it is much more difficult to change keys for voice range on a keyboard than it was on a guitar.  So when they were giving my son the music, he was playing it in the key that it was written while the guitar players were using their capos to play it in the key they wanted.

The teen leader’s solution was to turn off the keyboard from the sound booth on Sunday morning.  This left my son frustrated because he didn’t understand the problem.  No one was invested enough in what was going on to try to hear the issue, let alone solve it.  My son’s solution was to leave the youth group because he felt excluded and humiliated.

After trying to fully understand the issue, I realized that it truly wasn’t anyone’s  malicious intent to exclude my son.  They were each trying to do the best they knew how in having teens lead in their sphere of influence.  My son’s feelings were a result of insufficiently skilled people doing the best they could do given what they knew.

Was my son hurt?  Absolutely!  Was my son justified in wanting to quit the team?  Absolutely!  Did I try to explain what was really happening and how sorry I was that he had been hurt?  You bet!

After a year of sitting in the main church service with us, I asked my son if he would be interested in trying the youth group again.  I even agreed to volunteer to work with the youth for the year if he wanted me to.  He said ‘yes’.

Luckily the next two years were a success for him.  He even played on the worship team that was now under the direction of someone who understood and worked the music issues.

As parents, our job is not to defend the church, but to defend our kids.  For that, we need to listen and help solve the problems or at least give them context for the imperfection of other humans.  The only way our kids will stay involved in the church as they mature is if the can come to realize that the church isn’t perfect but the benefits outweigh the difficulties.

“Let go…and let God”,

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Sign up for our on-line eCourse which starts September 26, 2016.  You’ll have an opportunity to go through the new book With All Due Respect:40 days to a more fulfilling relationship with your teens and tweens with me and a group of moms just like yourself.  Learn and interact while gaining new communication skills. Be sure to get in on the discounted price while it lasts.  I’ll be available for personal interaction in the class.  Hope you’ll join me.  Click here for more information.

How to Keep Your Kids Connected at Church

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Cute teens with headphones showing thumbs up and smiling at camera

One of the things our family struggled with over the years was trying to keep our kids connected with other kids at church.  Since we didn’t live in the community surrounding our church, our kids didn’t have the opportunity to see other kids who attended unless there was a 30 minute drive involved. We had tried churches close to home, but nothing fit for us.  Hence, the drive.

What we experienced during those junior high and high school years is probably even more prevalent today.  With the megachurch model more families are making a longer commute to church which can sometimes make it more difficult for kids to connect.   With kids attending several schools rather than the typical one or two represented in a smaller community setting, teens tend to congregate with the kids they see more than on Sunday morning  leaving many to sit back on the fringe.

If we want our kids to remain in the church through the junior high and high school years and then into college, they need to see the church as a basis for friendship and the benefit of connecting with other Christians.  Modeling that for our kids means we see the importance of church friendships for ourselves as well rather than just Sunday morning acquaintances.

Shaunti Feldhahn’s research in For Parents Only confirms that our teens need to feel accepted, included, and that others want to be around them. That’s why if we connect friendship to the church we have a better chance of keeping our kids engaged for the long haul. For us as parents, it means we need to connect with other parents with kids our kids’ ages and get to know them as well.  Making church activities central in planning our lives helps our teens see the relevance of church in our lives.

So what can we do to help our tweens and teens feel connected to other church kids?

  • Encourage your kids to invite church kids over.  Use this as opportunity to get to know the parents.
  • Plan a hangout date at the pool or some other popular location with friends from church.
  • Encourage your kids to text or call kids during the week.
  • Be willing to drive. 
  • Offer up your home as a place for a youth group activity.

Another great way to get our kids connected is to send them on retreats or to youth conferences with a group from church.  Not only do these conference typically speak to our kids spiritually as they see thousands of other kids in worship and praise but it allows kids to be in a different environment where deeper relationships can be cultivated.  If your church doesn’t typically do this, do some research on options for conferences and consider taking a group of teens yourself with a few other parents. 

One summer my high school senior had planned to go to a conference with the church youth group.  The conference was held several weeks throughout the summer, but as luck would have it, the youth ministry had decided to only take the junior high kids that year.  Since we knew this was the last year my son would be able to attend, my  husband and I got a group of high school kids together and went down to the conference in Florida on our own.  Not only did these kids get to interact with other Christian kids for a week, but we got to know the teens in our group really well.  My son would say it was one of our best vacations ever!  It was almost as if we created an extended family for him.

Four years out of high school those are the kids he is still connected to even though each of them has gone their separate way.  Re-connection for them is like a church homecoming and the friendships quickly start up again just where they left off.  When they come home during the summer sometimes they’ll grab high school kids from church just to go hang out with them.  They’ve discovered the importance of peer relationships in cultivating their faith.

How well are your kids connected to their peers at church?  What steps do you need to take to get your kids more engaged?  I’d love to engage with you on this topic.  Hope you’ll comment.

“Let go…and let God”,

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