Do Your Teens and Tweens Need an Attitude Change?

/0 Comments/in , /by

We live in a give, give, and give some more culture–especially when it comes to our kids.   I’ll be the first to admit that I lavished gifts onto my kids.  After all, I wanted them to have all the things that I just knew would make them delighted!

And then there were all the activities.  As a mom I did what most of us do, I gave, gave, and gave some more — every opportunity that I thought would expand my kid’s horizons and let them explore their dreams to reach their potential.

But are our kids grateful?  Do they have an attitude of thankfulness?

Sometimes as parents I think our view of parenting is skewed.  We think that if we give more to our kids they will feel loved and will auto-magically (by the way that’s our family’s coined word) be thankful.  In reality, when we don’t teach our kids to understand gratitude, when they become older teens and young adults they sometimes have difficulty learning the harsh realities of life that everything will not magically come to them.

As I hear the numerous stories about teen suicide I can’t help but wonder if we as parents are perhaps missing the point.  Trust me when I say that mental illness can be a huge factor in these deaths.  However, could there be a component to these situations where we’ve placed so much emphasis on us giving and our kids receiving that we’ve forgotten how to teach our children to have an attitude of gratitude?  They can’t see the positives because they become so focused on what others have that they don’t.

Does giving too much create a negative pattern of thinking that makes kids feel they deserve everything they want?

I’m not sure we’ll ever fully understand how our kids think; however, researchers have found that the brain can actually be rewired as a result of actively choosing gratitude.  In fact, anxiety and depression are reduced as a result of being thankful.

Imagine that if instead of focusing on what we are giving this holiday season we helped our kids focus on the things for which they can be grateful.  What if we did the same?  Maybe we would all have a rewired brain that focuses on the good.

Here are some ways you might consider helping your kids move to a new way of thinking to change their attitude:

  1. Have each person in the family make a list of five things they are grateful for before they go to bed at night. By doing it at night we are helping our kids focus on the positives as they sleep.  (Hopefully they’ll wake up in a better mood).  Then share those things at the dinner table the next day.
  2. At least once a month have each person go around the table telling why they are thankful for each person at the dinner table.  Thanksgiving might be a great day to start.  Most likely it will bring lots of hugs.
  3. Identify a “cause” that your family can focus on during the next several months — cook for a homeless shelter, visit a rehab center bringing small homemade gifts, raise money to buy goats or chickens for an oversees orphanage, adopt a less fortunate family for Christmas, or babysit for a single mom are just a few ways to get the focus off our teens and help them see the difference in what is and what could be.
  4. Actively choose to spend less on presents during the Christmas season and create more opportunities to just be together.  Plan a holiday calendar of one-on-one time between each family member — mom and son date, mom and daughter date, dad and son date, dad and daughter date, as well as brother and sister dates.

Helping our kids discover that they have lots to be thankful for can help our kids become healthier adults with fewer expectations of what the world owes them.  The result will be a better attitude.

1 Timothy 4:4-5

For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is
received with thanksgiving, 
 because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer.

Dare you to be intentional during the holiday season teaching your teens the true meaning of generosity and gratitude.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Looking for a way to get Dad more engaged?  Hoping that he will be intentional in connecting with his tweens and teens?  365+ Ways to Love Your Family:  Practical Tips for Dads of Tweens and Teens is a short, easy to read book with practical suggestions that will help dads have impact with their kids.  Even if your husband isn’t one to pick up a book to read, this will spark his interest.  There are over 365 things he can do, in 5 minutes or less, that will let his kids know that they are loved.

Why not put it under the Christmas tree or use it as a stockingstuffer?  It’s a great little reminder to Dad at how important he is in your family.

 

Too Tired to be Thankful?

/0 Comments/in , , , /by

thanksgiving

I don’t know about you, but at my house as the holidays approach, it is sometimes hard to be thankful.  Let’s face it, if we are mom, the holidays can be work–significantly extra work.

I remember a period of several years when  holidays became a chore rather than a celebration.  After spending more time in the grocery store than I really wanted, I’d think of all the preparation I still needed to do.  More time on my feet than energy I had to give. With extended family more than a two day’s drive, all the food prep fell on me.

Of course, with four teens under roof, everyone had a different “favorite” dish that needed to be prepared.

And then there was the “timing” of dinner.  With three kids dating, we had to determine when everyone “including their dates” could all be at our house at the same time.

“Mom, you are going to make your homemade bread again this year, aren’t you?”

“Don’t forget to make a turtle pie.”

Even a girlfriend who had been part of the family for over a year had her “favorite dish” request.

At least the meal planning was easy.  Requests times five can equal an entire meal.

Before the thanksgiving meal was complete and dishes were washed, the conversation would quickly turn to newspaper ads, black Friday shopping, and Christmas wish lists.

With that conversation came more exhaustion for me.

The shopping, the making sure I picked the right size and the right color, and, oh, yeah, there would be another huge meal to prepare–and the Thanksgiving dishes weren’t even washed yet!

And then there was the fact that the kids would be scrambling to get to their “date’s” house for another meal, that left me with all the cleanup to do.

As I allowed the holidays to become my life’s sentence, it occurred to me that playing the martyr wasn’t doing anyone any good.  My focus needed to change.  What was I teaching my teens about being thankful especially when I couldn’t be thankful that the holidays were here?

And then it occurred to me.  How do we learn to be thankful?

We learn to be thankful by experiencing difficulties.

It is in the working together that we experience what it is like not to have to do things all by ourselves.

And my planning of the holidays changed!

We called the kids together for a family meeting letting the kids know that I would not be doing all the holiday preparations as usual.  Each person who ate would be part of the clean-up.  Everyone would also contribute something to the meal.

Instead of making that homemade bread, I taught my daughter to do it.  Instead of making that turtle pie, my son did.  Instead of being a slave to the kitchen, I spent time with each of my teens as they prepared their part of the meal.  I was there to encourage them and teach them the ropes of preparing a holiday feast while I cleaned the kitchen as they worked. Even my son and his girlfriend were there to make “her” favorite dish.  And we all worked together.

And the conversation at dinner took on a different tone.  They became thankful for what the other person had contributed to the meal.  They took note of what I typically had done for them.

And each person chose their desired position for dishes detail.

And finally, I wasn’t too tired to be thankful.

Psalm 118:1, 5

 Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;

for his steadfast love endures forever!

Out of my distress I called on the Lord;

the Lord answered me and set me free.

Little did I know at the time that I was setting the stage for the future.  This year all the kids will be home for the holidays with their families.  Our oldest son has already told me that he and his wife are in charge of the turkey.  Another is bringing his special cheesecake.  Who knows what else will grace our table.

All I know is that whatever it is, I won’t be too tired to be thankful.

Dare you to share in the holiday preparation so that your teens will learn to be thankful for all you do for them.

“Let go…and let God”,

090414_2318_Dare23TheR2.png

Have you gotten your copy of With All Due Respect yet?  It’s parenting self-discovery training in book form.  If you want someone to walk beside you in your parenting, we hope you’ll join us for the With All Due Respect e-Course.   You’ll be encouraged in your parenting and have opportunity to ask questions.  I’ll be joining you on the journey and can’t wait to meet you.  To take advantage of the discount, click here and enter in the code daretoconnect for a 50% savings for a limited time only.

Also, be sure to sign up for your free Parenting Tips!