What’s Your Parenting Perspective?

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In the midst of a pandemic I see fear almost everywhere I turn.  From the grocery store isles with people backing away so others don’t get too close, to the salons with plastic shower curtains creating the great divide, the need for hope is apparent.  This post isn’t about whether we should be firm in isolating our kids or allowing them to go on with life as if nothing is happening in this crazy world we live in.  It is about looking at our perspective as parents.

Perspective is all about the lens we see life through.  Let’s face it, if we have blue colored lenses, we see blue; if we look through green colored lenses we see green. 

Our perspective is based on our values, our life experiences, and what our parents and teachers have taught us.

Are we living in fear?

Are we allowing our kids to be kids?

Are we so focused on their well-being and future success that we forget to laugh with them? 

Are we so focused on what could happen, that we forget to savor the moments?

I ran across a post on a FaceBook page the other day and got permission from Jason Hartanov to share part of it.  It’s one perspective on life as a parent.

 

TO THE KIDS WHO TP’D (toilet papered) MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT

–Thank you for restoring my hope in the youth

–Thank you for bringing fun in a way too serious world

–Thank you for finding a great use of the excess toilet paper people bought during Covid

–Thank you for allowing me to bring tolerance to an increasingly intolerant society

–Thank you for targeting my house because you like my daughters 

–Thank you for making me smile and reminding me of the best days of my childhood

–Thank you for giving us all a break from the issues in this world

–Thank you for bringing light in the darkness

THANK YOU FOR BEING KIDS

THANK YOU FOR MODELING PLAY

THANK YOU FOR SHOWING CREATIVITY

THANK YOU FOR EMBRACING LIFE IS SHORT

KIDS–next time, ask me for more TP so we can fill in the gaps–the trees are too bare, the roof has little to no paper, and you left half-rolls sitting on the ground.

Ask me for help, so I can show you how to coordinate an attack and TP the right way.

EXCITED TODAY to clean up the mess and smile the whole time.

THANK YOU for spreading joy to me and my girls.

I applaud you.

My prayer is that as you read this you’ll take inventory of how you might have responded if your house had been TP’d.  Go with your first gut reaction.  What does it tell you about your parenting perspective?

Are you too serious?

Do you know how to have fun and play?

What color of lenses do you see the world?

Ecclesiastes 8:15

So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany them in their toil all the days of the life God has given them under the sun.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Do you wish you had a different perspective in your parenting?  Are you looking for more fulfillment and joy in the life you live?  What needs to change in your home? Email me if you’d like to know how to find a more abundant life as you parent.  Perspective Coaching is all about helping parents of tweens, teens, and 20-somethings discover what might be missing as they parent.  You can email me debbiehitchcock@gettingperspective.com

Is Your Worry Hurting Your Kids?

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Most of us will agree; there are times we worry about our kids.  It’s natural to want the best for those that we love so dearly.  We want our kids to succeed in life with the fewest scrapes on their knees.  We want their happiness, their success, good grades, deep friendships, and college scholarships.  We want them to put their best foot forward, to treat others with kindness, or whatever other things we value most.

So we worry when we think things aren’t going as we think they should.

Our concerns can overwhelm us at times.  Our emotions take hold and the worry can morph into something much bigger than we are currently experiencing.

And we react.  Instead of focusing on the NOW we’re in and doing the next right thing, we start thinking about the future with gloom.

We say things to our kids that communicate our doubts about their future.  And we can become more anxious and judgmental scrutinizing everything they do.

Our worry becomes fear so overpowering that we can’t help but project those thoughts and words into every situation and it clouds rational thinking when it comes to their future.

Let me explain.

There was a time when one of my kids had little interest in school.  He dawdled.  He didn’t do his best work.  Getting him focused seemed insurmountable.  And of course, I worried.  What would his future be?  I remember signing him up for an on-line video course his senior year that would substitute for a required government class.  As luck would have it, he complained and gave me grief the entire semester.

And then his ACT scores were not as high as all his peers.  

So I worried.

Yes, he got into college and then he kept changing his major.

And I worried more sometimes verbalizing my fears that he might never graduate.

As I look back at all my fears for this kid, I can see how much energy I wasted. 

My son found his niche.  He not only graduated from college, but got a masters from a well-known university.  He holds a national license to practice his trade.  He’s found a place where he can be successful.

And the very things I worried about, didn’t happen.  We laugh when we talk about the on-line constitutional law video course that I signed him up for his senior year.  He thinks that was the best class he has ever taken. 

And I worried about it for nothing.

So what did I learn as I think about my worries as a parent?

  1. Focus only on your concerns in the present.   If your kid is struggling with math, get a math tutor.  Make a plan for the present and don’t worry about all the what if’s of the future.
  2. Take your thoughts captive.  If you find yourself thinking about all the issues that could happen in the future, try to reel back to the present.  Ask God to help you focus on today.
  3. Remember God in the equation.  When we worry about our teen’s future we are forgetting that God has a plan for our child.  God created each of us for purpose and He is orchestrating the path.  Worry zaps our energy and keeps us focused on things other than God.
  4. Pray unceasingly when things are overwhelming.  There will be things in our kid’s life that we can’t change.  Pouring out our heart to Him is much more effective than verbalizing our fears to our kid or projecting doom on their future.

We need to remember that our kids will change.  The things they struggle with in junior high and high school will most likely be long forgotten as they mature into adults.  If we can focus on the positives we see in our kids and turn our worries over to a God who loves our kids even more than we do, then we’ll be better able to love our kids in the NOW they are in.

Matthew 6:34

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Philippians 4:6.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.” 

  Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

What’s Your Parenting Fear?

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As I talk with women across the country about parenting issues and we talk about our kids, the same theme seems to surface.  As moms we’re afraid for our kids.  Whether it be a school shooting, falling in with the wrong crowd, cutting, or drinking and drugs, pregnancy, or a failing test score, we have fears that can hijack our brain in a nanosecond.  We hear something and we’re automatically on high alert wondering if “it” could happen to our kid or if our kid won’t live up to the dream that we have for them.

We put tracker’s on our kid’s phone and their cars to monitor their every move.  In China there is a movement in the schools to track a student’s attention by a brain monitoring device that alerts the teacher and the parent when a kid is not fully engaged.  The hypervigilance in our parenting isn’t healthy for us or for our kids.  That isn’t what God wants for us.

Think about it for a minute, and I hope you’ll dig deep.

What are your fears for your child?

Would you take a few minutes and list them?  Really think through them.  And I want to encourage you to put them on paper.

What are you afraid of for your kid?  It doesn’t matter if our kids are 6, 16, or 26, we’re bound to have some fear–an expectation that might never materialize or a hope that might be taken away.

Sit tight with that list as I share a story.

Over a decade ago, I had a long list of fears for one of my kids.  That list seemed to grow year by year as I watched the transition from elementary to junior high and then into high school.  I became overtly watchful as behaviors surfaced over which I seemed to have no influence.  I watched as this teen struggled with acceptance from classmates even though she could be outgoing and personable.  She was intelligent enough to grasp concepts that other students didn’t quite understand, yet seemed to be in a constant state of flux from motivated to uncaring in her academics.  She struggled with the nuance of relationships wanting to be seen for who she really was–a gifted individual–yet at times lacked the confidence to really shine.

And as a mom, I saw who she could be yet she didn’t seem to want to embrace it.

And I worried.

Fear had a grip on me when it came to this child.  And I didn’t quite know what to do with it. 

Yes, I would take it to the Lord.  Yes, I would pour out my heart to Him.  Yet I couldn’t move from that state of worry and fear.  I was always waiting for the next phone call or the next email from a teacher or parent.  At times I felt as if I could somehow see a dark future yet didn’t have any control over it.  Just when I thought things were getting better and I could breathe the next difficulty would surface throwing me into a state of stress. 

Instead of being focused on God, I was focused the circumstances of what could happen next.  After all, that is what worry and fear is all about.

Fear is about the future–what might happen.

Today, a mom read a scripture verse that she felt God was speaking to her through.  And I went, “That’s it!”  That’s exactly what we need in our parenting when we have those times of fear.

Psalm 112:7-8

He (the righteous) will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.  His heart is secure, he will have no fear…

I don’t know about you, but that is what I want in my parenting.  I want to have no fear of bad news.  That will only happen if I am always trusting that He knows what He is doing in my child’s life.  My heart has to be steadfast on Him.  If we are secure in our hope in the Lord, then we have no reason to fear.

God is writing each and every one of our kids’ testimonies and it might not be what we would write.  We need to remember that God goes where we go (Joshua 1:9) and that He will comfort us (Isaiah 51:12-13) regardless of the outcome.

So now that you’ve heard a piece of my story, I hope that you will take your list of fears and offer them up to God as you confess your doubt and worry.  He is our Rock where we can take refuge (2 Samuel 22).  By turning them over to Him (which may need to be done on a daily basis), we will have peace that He is with us regardless of the situation.  

We may want certain outcomes for our kids’ futures, yet God is the one writing the story.  We don’t know the purpose of our child’s future from God’s perspective.  

So what about that child that I worried over?  What did the future look like for her?

All my fears became truths.  Worrying about them didn’t change them.  Yet God used them in a powerful way.  God used her to change me.  God had her ministering to people that I would never have been in contact with were it not for the friend group that she chose.  And God showed me that His ways are not our ways and I can always trust that He knows what is best to bring Him glory.

“Let go…and Let God”,