Tag Archive for: Christian parenting

Dare 2 – The Respect Dare – Childhood Introspection

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Sitting in a Daughters of Sarah classroom, my mind started spinning as I heard the stories. These were real women trying to understand how their childhood memories were being played out in their marriages. Some stories were funny. Some were sad. And some were absolutely horrifying. For me, somehow it made my distorted childhood memories feel somewhat normal. Everyone didn’t have perfect parents who had a great marriage. I was learning that most women struggle at one time or another.

I may as well have been in a different room though… my mind was on childhood introspection alright, but my thoughts weren’t focused on marriage. I was thinking of how my parents parented me and my siblings. I was focused on what could have triggered some of the issues that were coming into play as I parented my teens and twenty-somethings. At that moment, I was trying to figure out why my twenty-somethings weren’t like the other kids at church. For me, it was hurt and disappointment.

Then the memory came into sharp focus with finite clarity.

It was a spring day of my junior year of high school and I was sitting on the back patio with my mom and stepdad. Our family was a Brady Bunch with an added caboose, and one of my step-brothers was my same age. My brother and I were good friends, even though we weren’t anything alike. At this point in his life, school wasn’t on the top of his priority list and his grades were taking a nose dive.

I remember the conversation distinctly between my parents that they chose not to have in private.

“Your son is failing all his classes. He won’t graduate if he keeps this up. You need to do something,” my mom pleaded.

“Well, at least he has friends and goes out and has fun, unlike your daughter,” my stepdad retorted.

“Well, my daughter studies and makes good grades. She’s going to go places!”

“She’s always got her nose in books. It takes personality to get somewhere in life.”

“If he keeps this up, he won’t amount to a hill of beans,” she responded.

And the conversation continued…

In front of a 16 year old girl…

Being compared to one of her best friends…

Feeling like a rag doll being pulled from both sides.

Questioning, “Do I measure up?”

As I contemplated the memory, the answer was in full view now. I realized as an adult the lie that I believed for so long. I’d been trying to compare my kids to others to see if they measure up, just like I wanted to meet my stepdad’s expectations.

I want my children to be to loved and accepted by everyone. Somehow I’d forgotten that my kids are who they are because that is how God created them. I don’t need to compare them to others. They don’t need to measure up to someone else’s expectations. God has a specific plan for their lives.

Ephesians 2:10

For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Dare you to look at how your childhood story impacts your parenting. Are you reacting to a childhood incident that might be having negative effects on your relationships with your teens and twenty-somethings?

Double dare you to join Nina Roesner, Leah Heffner, and me as we go through The Respect Dare one DARE at a time.

Boldly walking alongside you in your parenting.

“Let go…and let God,”

Debbie


Dare 1 – The Respect Dare – Expectations!

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“I just don’t know what to do!” Erin sobbed. “Nothing I say seems to get through to her! We raised her in the church, she knows right from wrong, yet she chooses to date guys that most girls wouldn’t even give a second look. The fact that I know she is sleeping with them absolutely breaks my heart! I just worry so for her future!”

Without saying a word, Suzette handed Erin a tissue knowing how deeply she hurt. “What do I do?” Erin sniffled.

Suzette paused to let Erin collect herself.

“Erin,” she gently probed. “Is that why you’ve stopped coming to our small group?”

“I just can’t face anyone. You are the only person I’ve been able to be honest with. I just feel like a failure as a parent and I know everyone who knows my daughter is wagging their tongue about our situation. The difficult part is that I had such hopes and dreams for her…for us!”

“She’s 24. When I was 24, I gave birth to her! I remember the relationship I had with my mom during that time in my life; she was so good about being there as I struggled as a new mom. My relationship with Hannah is so different. I’m not even sure you could call it a relationship. She is bound and determined to do things her way regardless of the consequences.”

Stories like this are not uncommon in today’s culture, even with Christian kids. Somehow as parents we think that if we do everything “right”, this won’t happen to us. But the sad fact is; it does.

But should that really surprise us?

If you’ve spent much time in the Old Testament reading the stories of the kings in the Bible (Kings through Chronicles), you’ll remember the words “they did right in the eyes of the Lord” or “they did evil in the eyes of the Lord”. If you look closely, there is no connection to whether the parent did right or wrong in the Lord’s eyes as to whether or not their offspring would repeat the pattern.

1 Peter 5:8 says…

…your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

As Christian parents, sometimes we set ourselves up with the expectation that “it won’t happen to my kid” if I do everything that scripture says. Reality is that Satan would delight in not only devouring our children but also us as parents!

Most of us want to “fix” our kids. We want the hurt and pain of our expectations on how our kids should live and who they should be to go away. We look side to side at other families and see what we want in our own.

So we do everything in our power to get what we want. We tell them that what they are doing is wrong, we preach, we beg, and we put stress on the relationship because they are putting stress on us. But the bottom line is, we aren’t God. We have no power to change them.

The only person we can change is us…and it starts with our expectations!

As we go through Nina Roesner’s book The Respect Dare together, I challenge you to look not only at your marriage, but also your relationship with your 20-somethings!

Are you trying to change them?

What could you do to change the way you interact with them that could impact the relationship in a positive way?

Here’s my list as we go through The Respect Dare together:

  • Allow my 20-somethings to say “no” to my requests without whining.
  • Stop preaching about the choices they make that I’m not happy about.
  • Work on friendship on a “grown-up” level.

Dare you to grab a copy of The Respect Dare and take this journey with me. I can’t wait to hear what God does with you in your relationship with your husband, your tweens and teens, and your 20-somethings!

“Let go…and let God,”

Debbie

P.S. Why not join other Respect Dare blogs as we journey through Nina’s book together. Visit Nina at www.ninaroesner.com and Leah Heffner at www.leahheffner.com or visit our website at www.greaterimpact.org.


The Respect Dare – Dare One

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Expectations! I can tell you emphatically that I have them for my kids. I can’t tell you my entire list of all my expectations for my tweens and teens because there wouldn’t be enough space to list them!

You know the drill…Keep your room clean, don’t talk back to me, don’t fight with your siblings, get your homework done…

And the list goes on…and on…

But the most important one would be. Don’t embarrass me!

You know what I mean here. Don’t do something that my friends will see…that would make them think I was a bad parent. Don’t lie, cheat, steal, drink, or get someone pregnant would probably be at the top of the list. Of course, you have your own list based on how you were raised.

The Respect Dare may have been written for married women, but as I sat in a Daughters of Sarah classroom (the class that the book is based on) I was focused on my relationship with one of my teens. I’ll admit it needed lots of work. I had expectations that this teen had no desire to fulfill. Every step I took toward attempting to move this one forward toward adulthood ended in more anger, more frustration, and more tears for both of us. Rules didn’t apply. Fun didn’t work. This one wanted to move out and I was ready to see that happen. Nothing I attempted brought us together.

Until Daughters of Sarah…

It was all about my expectations.

You see, I wanted this teen to change! I wanted relationship! Why couldn’t this teen and I have a connection like I had with my other kids?

And Daughters of Sarah taught me that it was about letting go of expectations for other people…even my children. It was time to start focusing on my relationship with God. I needed to rely on Him to solve the problem. The only person I could really change was me!

I love how Sarah Young puts it in her devotional Jesus Calling, “When your private world feels unsteady and you grip (Jesus’) hand for support, you are living in conscious dependence on Me.”

That’s what I want as I go through The Respect Dare again; this time with you. I want to know Him more and depend on Him to change me.

James 1:2-4

Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Isn’t that what we want for our kids? Maturity.

Well, the same goes for us. I don’t know about you, but sometimes when I hear something come out of my mouth to my teens, I wonder if I’ve arrived at that place of maturity! I have screamed, I have been known to use condescending language and flippant remarks, I have issued ultimatums in anger, and truth be told, if the video camera was rolling…those watching would be laughing their heads off! Maturity? My behavior is anything but.

As we go through Nina Roesner’s book together, I would encourage you to focus on expectations for yourself and think of the expectations you need to let go of for your teen. What areas would God like you to change in dealing with your teens? Most likely, it is an area where there is the most conflict.

My list looks like this:

  • Allow my teen to manage his own daily schedule without me continually asking if his homework is done.
  • If anger starts to rise, I will request that we have a cooling off period and resume conversation when the sparks have died down.
  • No longer harp at my daughter when she speeds into the driveway.

If you are like me and have multiple teens, having more than three goals might be overwhelming. If all three can apply to all the kids, then it will be easier to build relationship with each of them.

I would encourage you to spend some time in prayer with the God who can change lives!

Philippians 1:6

Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Thanks for joining me on this journey~

Wherever this journey takes you…TO GOD BE THE GLORY!

My desire above all else is for you to strengthen your relationship with God and your tweens and teens!

“Let go…and let God.”

Debbie

Dare you to bravely share the three things you are going to work on changing “in His strength” as we take this path together.

Double dare you to subscribe to my blog!

Be sure to join Nina Roesner, www.ninaroesner.com, and Leah Heffner, www.leahheffner.com as they take The Respect Dare journey with me. You can visit our website at www.GreaterImpact.com for more information about our ministry.


Imposter?

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Plastering a fake smile on my face, I joined my Thursday morning small group. I had been in this Bible study of over 50 women for a couple of years, but the leader had decided to change things up two weeks before, placing us in random small groups. Of course, I ended up in a group with mostly people I didn’t know. Ugh! I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be here. I enjoyed the comfort of the way things were.

“With the way I am feeling today, maybe this is a good thing,” I thought to myself. “No one in this group would need to know my true story. Maybe it would be easier to put on a persona with these women rather than share the raw feelings of being an inept mother. Today I could pretend…”

“Isn’t that what you always do?” I heard the small voice from somewhere in my brain. “No one knows who you really are anyway.”

I sighed as my thoughts continued. “Guess I’m getting pretty good at playing the imposter. No one in this church would want to have anything to do with me, especially if they knew what was going on in our home.”

As the morning progressed, we started sharing in our small groups. I was amazed at the depth of pain Carrie shared as she told how her husband had left her and their three sons. I found it unbelievable that she was not crying, not angry, not bitter…she seemed at peace. “Wow, the strength of this woman.”

Laura was the next to speak. “Pray for my 22 year old daughter. The guy she is living with has recently been diagnosed with…”

“Oh, my, I can’t believe she said that out loud,” rattled through my head. A guy her daughter is living with…whoa! Carrie quickly comforted Laura with her words as I sat wondering how much Laura and I might be able to relate to each other. We both had daughters who seemed to be struggling.

092812_2055_Pretender1.jpgAs my turn came around, just as I had started to share a little about my wonderful family, my cell phone started to vibrate. I ignored it.
I continued my story…the cell phone continued to vibrate. I attempted to ignore it again.

By the third time, I mumbled, “I better take this. One of my teens is home sick today.”

I didn’t recognize the number, but as I heard the other voice on the phone, I began to shake uncontrollably. All my fears came rushing to the forefront of my mind. Quickly, I left the room so I could talk in private.

“I just wanted to call to make sure you are home,” the voice echoed from the other end. I was shocked! It was her voice…the voice of my daughter’s latest boyfriend’s mother. “How did she get my number?” I wondered. I wasn’t exactly thrilled that my daughter was dating her son. I had lots of concerns…no, major concerns!

“Well, uh, no, I’m not. Tamara, is there a problem?”

“I just think you should be home if you can. I’m at work already. I understand that both of our kids are home sick today. I just thought they might be up to something…”

“Thanks for letting me know. I’ll head home now.” I muttered as tears started falling uncontrollably. Quickly, I headed back to my group to get my purse and keys. The ladies were praying…praying for me!

As I quietly sat down to reach my purse, tears still streaming down my face, they all looked up with expectancy. I didn’t have a chance to hide. I was too emotional to even think about putting my mask back on. It was the moment of truth when I shared…really shared…my thoughts…my pain…my ineptness as a mother…and now my most recent concerns…

With tears streaming down my face, tissues were being placed into my shaking hands. Several women had tears in their eyes…especially Laura. I realized that she could relate to my pain the most. She put her arms around me and began praying as the others joined in. Calm began to replace my churning stomach. Peace began to fill my mind.

“You need to go now, sweetie,” they chorused. “We’ll be praying. See you next week.”

I prayed all the way home bracing myself for what I might find and rehearsing how I’d react if I found them together.

 As I entered the house, all was quiet. I tiptoed upstairs as my daughter walked out of her room. “Oh, did you go somewhere?” she mumbled wiping sleep from her eyes.

“I went to Bible study.”

“Oh, I just woke up. I really feel awful,” she sniffled.

“Did you know that Brad was home sick today?” I asked.

“No,” she replied. “How do you know?”

As I later replayed the events of the day on my knees, it occurred to me that I was living my life in fear. Fear of what my kids were doing, fear of their choices, fear of what people might think…of them…of me. Honestly, I was afraid of being judged as a parent…therefore, the mask.

“For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13.

BOTTOM LINE: If we continue to wear the mask, living in fear, we lose the opportunity of being strengthened by others that God has already refined who have walked before us in the parenting process.

Dare you to ask God for a friend with whom you can share your parenting woes.

Double dare you to schedule a time to meet with the friend.

Bravely walking the journey with you…without the mask…

“Let go and let God…”

Debbie


A Thief?!?!

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Jolted from my silence by the interruption of the telephone, I heard Linda’s voice on the other end. “Debbie, please walk me through this. I’m scared! Jeremy is in trouble. I don’t know what to do! Can you come over right away and walk me through this? Hurry, the police are expecting me.”

Without thinking twice, I ran across the street to console my friend. “Linda, how can I help?”

“Just help me think! I’ve never dealt with anything like this! The police just called to tell me that Jeremy is being held in security. He was caught stealing something! They want me to come right away. How can this be? Not, Jeremy!”

As tears streamed down her face, I reached for her hands to help keep her from shaking. Quietly, I encouraged her to sit down a few minutes. “Linda, tell me everything you know.”

092012_1457_AThief1.jpg“That’s it. Just that they say they are holding Jeremy down at the shopping center for stealing!”

“Is this something you would ever have expected from Jeremy?”

“No! Of course not!”

“Why not?” I responded.

“Of all my kids, Jeremy is the last one I would expect. He’s doing great in school, almost all A’s, and I really like his friends. It just doesn’t make any sense. He’s got money in the bank from working last summer. Why would he need to steel something?”

“Has anything been different lately?”

“No, I don’t think so.” She mumbled. “What would he possibly want to steal? Oh my… he is getting pretty serious with his girlfriend. Surely he wouldn’t be stealing…you know, something he might be too embarrassed to buy!”

As Linda’s mind started heading toward all those unthinkable possibilities of what Jeremy might have stolen and how embarrassed she might be when she got to the store, I gave her a hug and offered up a quick prayer.

“Linda, look at me. When my mind starts taking me to places I know I shouldn’t go, I try to remember a scripture verse. The one from Philippians 4:8 is a good one. Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”

” The truth here,”  I continued, ” is that Jeremy is a good kid! Now it is up to you to be a strong mom for him. You can’t go in there crying or getting angry. This isn’t about you, it is about him. He’s a good kid who has done a stupid thing. We’ve all done stupid stuff in our lives; just focus on what you know to be true. Jeremy is a great kid and you are a strong mom! You can do this. Go be there for your son!”

As she drove down the street, I knew I’d be on my knees in her behalf during the next hour.

Later that evening Linda dropped by with a smile on her face, “Debbie, you were right. Jeremy is a good kid who did a stupid thing.”

As she shared the details of the afternoon with the police and Jeremy, she seemed content with how the experience had turned out. “You wouldn’t have believed it. As we were leaving, the police officer looked at me and told me what a great son I had. Luckily, he doesn’t have to go to court, but he will have to pay a fine. Jeremy managed to redeem himself with the officer even after he did such a stupid thing. I felt sorry for him. I could tell he was really scared…and repentant. I’m glad I was there for him.”

“Linda, how did you respond to Jeremy when you got there?”

“It had to have been God! I just went in and calmly asked what happened. Even when Jeremy and I were walking to the car, I just kept silent. I let him talk.”

“Wow! What restraint you must have exhibited!”

“The crazy thing about the whole thing is that he actually took something he had sold in a yard sale last summer.”

“What? I don’t get it.”

“Seems his girlfriend’s little brother was into the same card game Jeremy used to be into when he was that age. Jeremy was wishing he still had his collection to give to him. Said he was having a hard time paying for something he had just given away. Jeremy remembered opening the box in the store but the rest is a little fuzzy. When the security guard followed him into the parking lot, it was like a light bulb went off in his head and he realized what he had done. He immediately turned around and handed the merchandise over to security. I can’t believe he did something stupid for all the right reasons.”

“Oh, Linda, you’ve raised a good kid. It was one of those brain-freeze moments.”

“I know how you’ve told me that the frontal lobe doesn’t fully develop until between the ages of 24 and 27.” she laughed. “I think I just experienced that today!”

BOTTOM LINE: Even when our tweens, teens, or twenty-somethings do the unthinkable, we need to remember that their brains are still maturing. They need us to stay calm and be the adult in their life, walking beside them no matter how difficult the situation.

Dare You to not respond with anger or tears next time you find your child has made some unbelievable mistake.

Double Dare You to listen in silence as your kid tells you why they made a stupid choice.

Learning to laugh on the journey!

“Let go and let God…”

Debbie