Tag Archive for: Christian parenting

Too Tired to be Thankful?

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thanksgiving

I don’t know about you, but at my house as the holidays approach, it is sometimes hard to be thankful.  Let’s face it, if we are mom, the holidays can be work–significantly extra work.

I remember a period of several years when  holidays became a chore rather than a celebration.  After spending more time in the grocery store than I really wanted, I’d think of all the preparation I still needed to do.  More time on my feet than energy I had to give. With extended family more than a two day’s drive, all the food prep fell on me.

Of course, with four teens under roof, everyone had a different “favorite” dish that needed to be prepared.

And then there was the “timing” of dinner.  With three kids dating, we had to determine when everyone “including their dates” could all be at our house at the same time.

“Mom, you are going to make your homemade bread again this year, aren’t you?”

“Don’t forget to make a turtle pie.”

Even a girlfriend who had been part of the family for over a year had her “favorite dish” request.

At least the meal planning was easy.  Requests times five can equal an entire meal.

Before the thanksgiving meal was complete and dishes were washed, the conversation would quickly turn to newspaper ads, black Friday shopping, and Christmas wish lists.

With that conversation came more exhaustion for me.

The shopping, the making sure I picked the right size and the right color, and, oh, yeah, there would be another huge meal to prepare–and the Thanksgiving dishes weren’t even washed yet!

And then there was the fact that the kids would be scrambling to get to their “date’s” house for another meal, that left me with all the cleanup to do.

As I allowed the holidays to become my life’s sentence, it occurred to me that playing the martyr wasn’t doing anyone any good.  My focus needed to change.  What was I teaching my teens about being thankful especially when I couldn’t be thankful that the holidays were here?

And then it occurred to me.  How do we learn to be thankful?

We learn to be thankful by experiencing difficulties.

It is in the working together that we experience what it is like not to have to do things all by ourselves.

And my planning of the holidays changed!

We called the kids together for a family meeting letting the kids know that I would not be doing all the holiday preparations as usual.  Each person who ate would be part of the clean-up.  Everyone would also contribute something to the meal.

Instead of making that homemade bread, I taught my daughter to do it.  Instead of making that turtle pie, my son did.  Instead of being a slave to the kitchen, I spent time with each of my teens as they prepared their part of the meal.  I was there to encourage them and teach them the ropes of preparing a holiday feast while I cleaned the kitchen as they worked. Even my son and his girlfriend were there to make “her” favorite dish.  And we all worked together.

And the conversation at dinner took on a different tone.  They became thankful for what the other person had contributed to the meal.  They took note of what I typically had done for them.

And each person chose their desired position for dishes detail.

And finally, I wasn’t too tired to be thankful.

Psalm 118:1, 5

 Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;

for his steadfast love endures forever!

Out of my distress I called on the Lord;

the Lord answered me and set me free.

Little did I know at the time that I was setting the stage for the future.  This year all the kids will be home for the holidays with their families.  Our oldest son has already told me that he and his wife are in charge of the turkey.  Another is bringing his special cheesecake.  Who knows what else will grace our table.

All I know is that whatever it is, I won’t be too tired to be thankful.

Dare you to share in the holiday preparation so that your teens will learn to be thankful for all you do for them.

“Let go…and let God”,

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Have you gotten your copy of With All Due Respect yet?  It’s parenting self-discovery training in book form.  If you want someone to walk beside you in your parenting, we hope you’ll join us for the With All Due Respect e-Course.   You’ll be encouraged in your parenting and have opportunity to ask questions.  I’ll be joining you on the journey and can’t wait to meet you.  To take advantage of the discount, click here and enter in the code daretoconnect for a 50% savings for a limited time only.

Also, be sure to sign up for your free Parenting Tips!

 

How Are You Impacting Your Child’s Identity?

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is-he-looking-at-himself-through-the-lense-of-his-parents

Sitting in a doctor’s office, I was surprised to find out that we were actually seeing the son of a doctor I had made acquaintance with several years prior.  Not wanting to be overtly obvious and wanting to give this man my full attention so that he could properly make a diagnosis, I chose not to bring up the connection too early in our conversation.

Having been to numerous doctors’ offices with my son over the past several years, it didn’t surprise me at all that this young doctor started interacting with us in a casual manner telling us that he had recently graduated from medical school and was finally following in his father’s footsteps.  Becoming a physician was his second career. What did surprise me though was that as the dialogue continued, it became obvious that he was the son who had never quite measured up.  

How sad.

Here was a man most likely in his early 40’s who had not only graduated from medical school and was now a physician, yet his identity was wrapped up in what his parents thought of him.  

I began wondering what lies had been spoken over him in his quest for manhood and approval.  As he made his diagnosis, it was almost as if he was asking if we agreed with him.  

As parents of tweens and teens, it is easy to get frustrated when our kids make mistakes or choose not to do something that we think is in their best interest. But during those times of interaction do we treat them with respect or do we tear them down to the point that their identity becomes mired into thinking of themselves as “failures”.

Like it or not, we are a mirror for our kid’s identity.  Our actions, reactions, words, body language, and facial expressions all send a message that says either “I respect you as a person” or “You don’t measure up”.

We are weaving the foundation for our kids in how they measure up when they face the outside world as well.

  1. Do we offer empathy when their world comes crashing down on them?
  2. Do we console their disappointments and give them hope for their tomorrow?
  3. Do we guide them in how to handle difficulties so they can be more confident?
  4. Do we point them to Jesus Christ as their source of identity?
  5. Do we release them to be who God created them to be rather than who we want them to be?

Colossians 3:21

Do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

Romans 15:5

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had.

Dare you to take inventory of how you are responding to your teens and the impact you might be making on how they think of themselves.  Better yet, why not ask them how they think you view them.  If the response is not what you had hoped for, try apologizing for your parenting mistakes.  Polish the mirror so they see themselves as God sees them.

“Let go…and let God”,

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Have you gotten your copy of With All Due Respect yet?  It’s parenting self-discovery training in book form.  If you want someone to walk beside you in your parenting, we hope you’ll join us for the With All Due Respect e-Course.   You’ll be encouraged in your parenting and have opportunity to ask questions.  I’ll be joining you on the journey and can’t wait to meet you.  To take advantage of the discount, click here and enter in the code daretoconnect for a 50% savings for a limited time only.

Also, be sure to sign up for your free Parenting Tips!

 

 

 

Who Does Your Identity Come From?

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reflection

The topic of identity can spur some interesting conversations with women.  Let’s face it, it’s not until we look at others that we recognize if we are too tall, too short, overweight, underweight, a good mom or a terrible mother.

And then the question is, “Who is making the judgment?”

Each of us gains our identity from those we are in close proximity to.

When we were kids, we identified with our family.  They gave us our identity as we compared ourselves to our parents and siblings.  As we moved into the young adult world, we gained our identity from the college we attended or job we held.  Our peers became our mirror.

In our adult world, we tend to gain our identity from our friends–specifically other parents once we have kids.  

And sometimes, all too often, our identity can come from our kids.

I speak with women time and time again who are in the throws of difficult life circumstances with their teens.  What I hear most is the weight of the burden they carry.  In the mist of the pain, they take on all the blame.

If only I had done things differently.  If only I had been more strict, been more lenient, been more loving, stayed married, been more involved, spent more time with him, bought her a horse…and the list could become infinite.

And with that the mom has tagged herself a failure and assumed the identity of a “horrible mother”.

I want to challenge moms who are living with those difficult teens to look deeper for your identity.  Just as cancer or another illness doesn’t define you, your parent’s choices don’t define you, your friends’ choices don’t define you, neither do your children’s choices define who you are.

1 Peter 2:9

You are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession.

Ephesians 2:10

For we are God’s masterpiece, He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

Deuteronomy 31:8  

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Even though we tend to see ourselves through the lens of those around us and we use others as our mirror, are we going to let our friends, our peers, and our teens tell us who we are, or are we going to let God define who we are?”

The sad part is, that the women with kids who are making good choices can deem themselves “great moms” when in reality, they are getting their identity in the same place–from their kids or their friends.

Dare you to spend more time with God so that you can see your true identity as He created you to be.  Double dare you to not take your identity from your teens success or failure. 

“Let go…and let God”,

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Have you gotten your copy of With All Due Respect yet?  It’s parenting self-discovery training in book form.  If you want someone to walk beside you in your parenting, we hope you’ll join us for the With All Due Respect e-Course.   You’ll be encouraged in your parenting and have opportunity to ask questions.  I’ll be joining you on the journey and can’t wait to meet you.  To take advantage of the discount, click here and enter in the code daretoconnect for a 50% savings for a limited time only.

Also, be sure to sign up for your free Parenting Tips!

 

 

Are You Ready to Allow Your Daughter to Sleep Over at Her Boyfriend’s House?

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Camping couple hugging and enjoying the sunset

Sleepovers were fond memories when my kids were in elementary school.  Typically a best buddy would show up, they’d play some games, watch a movie, and camp out on the family room floor.   Harmless for the most part.

By junior high and high school, that phase of life seemed to be a thing of the past for our family.  I’m guessing I was lucky on that front.  At some point along the way my kids seemed to recognize that they needed sleep and the best buddy would be available the next day.

It wasn’t until my kids were in college that there seemed to be a radical twist to the whole sleepover thing.  Maybe it was when my college freshman started sharing co-ed dorm stories that I saw what was really happening in the young adult world.

I remember my son telling me about getting out of the shower in the men’s restroom that was down the hall from his dorm room.  Stepping out on the wet tile floor as he began to dry himself off, he spotted them–two girls who were primping in front of the mirror.  Yes! In the men’s restroom on the men’s floor.  Embarrassed and shocked beyond belief, he quickly wrapped himself in a towel and headed down the hallway.  

“Mom, it’s just what I deal with on a regular basis.  You learn to live with it.  It’s just part of life.  Guys and girls don’t share dorm rooms 24/7 but, Mom, they are sharing dorm rooms.”

Wow!

And that’s how our kids become numb to all the morals we’ve tried to teach them while in our home.  They start seeing the immorality in the world as “normal”.

It wasn’t long until I started hearing moms of college students, church moms even, saying things like, “Yeah, my daughter just stayed at her boyfriend’s last night.  It was late and she didn’t want to come home because she was concerned the roads were slick.”  

“His parents don’t mind?” I asked one woman.

“Oh, he has his own place.  I know it was alright.  I’m sure nothing went on.  I trust them.”

Hmm…

Another mom told me how her daughter was going to visit her boyfriend who had just gotten a job out of state.  Yes, a long weekend alone in his apartment, together.  

“I trust her.  After all, she’s an adult.  It’s not like I can stop her,” mom responded.  

Truth be told, she’s right.

And typically what happens with the college crowd, starts happening with the high school kids eventually.

Eventually has arrived.

High School co-ed sleepovers are now the new rage.  Parents are starting to get the full-court press from their kids to sleep over at the boyfriend or girlfriend’s house.  After all, what’s the big deal?

“You trust me, don’t you, Mom?  What’s going to happen?  His parents will be home.”

And parents are caving to the requests.  

While these requests might seem preposterous to us as parents, know that our kids are making choices on how they will view the world.  Our response is not only important in setting the morality standard for when they leave for college as adults, but is also important in how they will lead the next generation.

If you haven’t gotten the request yet, this is your opportunity.  Start the conversation!  

Here are some pre-parenting ideas:

  1. Bring up the subject.  In today’s media culture your kids will hear about this if they haven’t already.  Ask them what they think about it.  Find out if they know kids that are having co-ed sleepovers.
  2. Listen. Let them talk without passing judgment.  Words like “Hmm…and wow…and really…” should keep them talking.
  3. Ask them to look at it through the lense of scripture with you.   
  4. Let them know why as a parent you would have to say ‘no’ to such a request without emotion.
  5. Talk about sexual temptation.

As parents, we can’t be afraid to say “no” when morality issues are at stake.  Just because their friends are doing it, just because we trust our kids, and just because we want our kids to like us is not an excuse.

Kids need limits and boundaries to establish healthy patterns in life.  They need parents who build relationship in such a way that we can influence the next generation to stop and consider good from evil.

Roman 12:1-2

Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is you spiritual service of worship.  And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

Dare you to boldly start the dialogue before you get hit with the request.  Help your kids stay focused on scripture’s view of good versus the world’s view by talking about it now so you can influence your kids early.

“Let go…and let God”,

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Have you gotten your copy of With All Due Respect yet?  If you want someone to walk beside you in your parenting, we hope you’ll join us for the With All Due Respect e-Course that begins TODAY.  You’ll be encouraged in your parenting and have opportunity to ask questions.  I’ll be joining you on the journey and can’t wait to meet you.  To take advantage of the discount, click here and enter in the code daretoconnect for a 50% savings for a limited time only.

Also, be sure to sign up for your free Parenting Tips!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are Your Kids Showing Signs of Entitlement?

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happy young teens group in school on chemisty lessons and library education

In the fast-paced world we live in, it’s easy to get caught-up in the culture of privilege.  Without thinking about our daily interactions with our kids, we can easily let the life skills that will be so valuable to them as adults easily slide.  Too many times we “give them a pass” because we know they have homework, activities, and we want them to have friendship.  Instead of setting them up for success teaching them how to trim the shrubs, do laundry, or clean up the kitchen, sometimes it is just easier to do it ourselves.

We tend to rationalize:

It’s just easier  sometimes–rather than listening to the whining and complaining,

Or fishing smelly wet laundry out of the washer two days after our kid should have put it into the dryer,

Or finding the dried leftovers in the refrigerator with no lid,

Or discovering that the shrubs now have a buzz cut leaving no leaves in the wake and clippings strewn all over the yard.

So essentially, our kids have us trained.  Rather than dealing with remnants of their failed attempts, we give them a “pass”–after all, they’re good kids, we want them to have a happy childhood, or they have so much on their plate.

But, what are we teaching our kids when this is our response?

Are we teaching them entitlement?

Are we teaching them they don’t have to do the job, or finish the job, or that someone else will always be there to clean up after them?

This past week a scenario played out in a serve-yourself-breakfast cafe that is indicative of the entitlement mentality that this generation seems to embrace.  Nine cheerleaders between the ages of probably 11 and 13 were eating breakfast.  While most everyone knows that at a serve-yourself cafe it is your responsibility to bus your own table, these girls proceeded to leave half-eaten bagels on their plates with spilled juice on the table.  Napkins littered the floor where they sat.  As they finished their meal, all the girls proceeded to gather their belongings without any attempt to clean up their mess.  One girl tried to chide the others as she cleaned up her place while the remaining girls walked out of the restaurant leaving the mess behind.

What have they learned?

Entitlement.  It is someone else’s responsibility to take care of their mess. 

While this scenario might be an extreme, please know that as parents, we’ve all made choices that can lead to our kids feeling as though we are always there to pick up the pieces or that it is our responsibility to motivate them to accomplishment.

What parent hasn’t completed the dishes alone, helped or finished a homework assignment, or dropped what they are doing in order to shuttle a child someplace they think they need to go?

The question is how “to turn the tide” or put the “Jeanie back in the bottle” once you realize that your child’s attitude of entitlement is out of hand.

Shifting the balance from a mom and dad are responsible to the kids being responsible is not an easy feat, but it will be well worth it in the long run.  Here’s some suggestions to get you started.

  • Identify the areas that you think should be your child’s responsibility rather than yours.
  • Get consensus with your spouse on where to begin.
  • Begin small.  Choose one area that you will work with your child on.  For example, if your teens need encouragement helping with the dinner dishes, have a family meeting and identify the problem and the solution.  Know that you will probably get some verbal push back.  Again, state the new mode of operation that you expect after dinner each evening and execute.  If you get whining, you know that you have an entitlement issue.
  • Regardless of the amount of push back, continue to stand your ground on the issue.  Don’t give in to whining or excuses.
  • Try to make the change a “family” affair.  Keep the time light with joking or just conversation.
  • Once you’ve got one area of responsibility in place, try another and then another.

Galatians 6:4-5

“But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor. For each will have to bear his own load.”

Dare you to look at the level of entitlement your tweens and teens display.  Make a difference in the next generation by empowering them with self-responsibility and a sense of teamwork in your family.

“Let go…and let God”,

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Have you gotten your copy of With All Due Respect yet?  If you want someone to walk beside you in your parenting, we hope you’ll join us for the With All Due Respect e-Course that begins the week of October 17, 2016.  You’ll be encouraged in your parenting and have opportunity to ask questions.  I’ll be joining you on the journey and can’t wait to meet you.  To take advantage of the discount, click here.

Also, be sure to sign up for your free Parenting Tips!

 

 

 

 

Looking for Family Balance?

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Young attractive woman working on the laptop

Sitting at her desk in the master bedroom Kristin was thankful for the silence. Ted had agreed to focus on the kids and food for the day while she took time to pray and seek God’s guidance.  She had shared with a friend the frenzy that had seemed to creep into their home since the start of school.  With three kids under roof and the growing amount of homework and activities, Kristin felt their lives were out of control.  

Especially hers.

Trying to juggle meals, snacks, carpools, be at all the games and youth activities, not to mention the ever-growing laundry pile, and ministries she and Ted were involved in, Kristin knew they needed a reset with the family commitments.

Haven’t we all been there?

The question we have to ask ourselves is if we are willing to push the reset button before it’s too late.

Each school year brings new opportunities, typically more homework, and a lot of wonderful opportunities for our kids.  

But let’s face it, if we have more than one kid and we are still driving them around, it can wreak havoc on our schedules as moms.  Typically when the home is out of balance tension gets high and tempers flare more often.

That’s when it’s time for a reset.

Here’s some thought that might make your reset more successful.

  1. Do your homework before you take action–with each of your kids.  Here’s an opportunity to hear their heart and apologize if need be. Take your child out for a walk or go get their favorite ice cream.  Share your concerns for family balance and apologize for your short temper if needed.  Ask questions and find out what is really important to them.    Let them know you and your husband are going to be talking about how to reduce the stress in your home and create more life balance.  Let them know you will get back to them once you’ve talked to everyone in the family.
  2. Look at activities for each kid.  Separate the great opportunities from the good opportunities for each person.  Focus on each child’s strengths and areas where they need to grow. Are the activities the kids are involved in teaching life skills?  Are they stretching them?  Or are they involved because that’s what all their friends are doing?  
  3. Look at obligations for both you and your spouse. Ask yourself if it is time to set a ministry or obligation on the shelf for a few years during this season of life even though you enjoy it.  Is it necessary to attend all your kid’s sporting events?  Maybe letting your tween or teen “go-it-alone” would be a growth opportunity for them. Again, separate the great from the good.
  4. Check for imbalance in each child’s activities.  Let’s face it.  Typically the kids that can wear us down get rewarded in that we give in all too quickly and we let them lean the balance of time in their favor.  Either that or the oldest is doing a lot of activities while we tell the youngest that they’ll get to do more when they get older.  Ask yourself if the balance is fair.  Is it time for the oldest to give up some of his retained activities to give opportunity for the younger kids?  Remember teamwork says that everyone gets an opportunity and sometimes one person may have to sacrifice something for the good of the team.
  5. Create a list of optimal activities and discuss with your spouse.  Be sure to include things that you think he should consider giving up and that you are willing to give up.  
  6. Once the list is set, have a family team meeting.  Start the meeting by apologizing to your kids for saying yes to good things rather than great things.  Remind the kids that life balance is a skill that they all need to learn and it makes for a healthier lifestyle and less friction in relationships.  Assure them that you are doing this to help them succeed as adults when they are on their own.  Share the new plan and tell them when it will be implemented.  Be sure to give them a couple of weeks–or until the end of the season–for change.  Also, let them know you are willing to talk further about it if they have questions or are concerned.
  7. Allow your kids to share their frustrations with the change with you.  Listen, empathize with their loss, and let them know that you understand what they are feeling.  Be willing to explore changes that they want to make and rework the reset if you and your husband agree. 
  8. Implement.  Too many times as parents we get so much grumbling and complaining from our kids that we drop whatever it is we’re trying to accomplish.  Be brave and make the difficult choices while continuing to listen and empathize.   

Ephesians 4:2-3

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Creating balance for everyone in our home takes time. When you push the reset button, tempers will probably surface initially, but know that the family relationships will strengthen and maturity will come sooner when we live a life that models the things we want our kids to learn. 

“Let go…and let God”, 

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