Tag Archive for: Dealing with Anger

Are You Trying to Control Your Teen with Anger?

/0 Comments/in , , /by

 

Anger is an emotion that most of us have to deal with from time to time especially when our tweens and teens push our hot buttons.  Typically when this happens our real desire is to just make the situation go away. “Why did you do that?  How dare you speak to me that way!  You are so in trouble, young man”, are all retorts to get out kid’s attention in the moment.

When our emotions are out of control our voice will escalate and a scowl will become our facial expression to let our teen know that they’ve crossed a line.  In reality, the stance sometimes with hands on hips tells our teen we mean business.  It is actually our attempt to control the situation we find ourselves in.

These type of responses are in essence a way of self-protection hoping to fix the problem that’s been thrust upon us.  The truth is that some type of fear or feeling of not being in control has been triggered. 

But the important question is “what message are we sending to our teens”?

When we get angry we are communicating to our teen that the problem or issue is more important than our relationship.

Ouch!

Many times our anger becomes a rant where our teens stop listening and begin planning their counter attack.  If we escalate often, we’ve most likely lost them as soon as we raise our voice.  Now the situation is about us and not them.  

Anger is a natural response when we feel our teens are pushing the limits outside of our desires, but it isn’t the anger that is the problem as much as our lack of control of the anger. 

Feelings are a natural God-given way to self-preserve.  But do we exercise them in a way that puts our desires or need to control before the relationship?

Here’s what I mean by that.  Perhaps the next time you find yourself yelling at your teen, try this.

Let’s assume Ralph has really upset you and you catch yourself yelling at him or maybe he says something like “Mom, you don’t have to get so upset.”

  1. Pause.  Whisper a quick prayer–maybe just the words “help me, Lord”.
  2. Say something like “I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t be yelling at you like this. “
  3. Then in a calm controlled voice say “As you can tell, I’m really angry about this, but our relationship is more important.  Let me start over.”
  4. Begin again in a calmer voice without blame and accusation.  Something like “I noticed you didn’t ___________, and I’m sure you have a good explanation (giving them the benefit of the doubt).  I’d like you to help me understand.”

James 1:20

because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

All of us have different levels of  maturity in our ability to control our emotions.  How we interact and respond to our kids is not only ingrained in us but has the potential to become part of who they are. It not only becomes ingrained in them but  is seen as acceptable behavior as they interact with others.

I had a Christian mom who used to come to me after an altercation with her kids and laugh as she told me how she had “yelled” at her kids for something they did.  There was no remorse on her part because she saw it as a normal parenting response.  How sad.

If we want relationship with our kids in the future, we need to become more aware of our own parenting behaviors that are triggered by fear.  

Dare you to let you tweens and teens know that you recognize this wrong behavior in your life and ask them to hold you accountable.  Maybe they can give you a signal when they see your emotions starting to escalate.  By doing so, you’ll forge a relationship that says we’re on the same team and anger won’t be controlling your home.

“Let go…and let God”,

Most of us have never paused long enough in our parenting to assess how we’re really doing.  We’re busy reacting to the hustle and bustle that comes with the tween and teen years rather than looking at the legacy we want to have continue for generations to come.   Working through With All Due Respect will give you perspective on where you are in the journey.  

Why not grab a few friends and go through the book together?  

What Can I do When Dad is Out-of-Control?

/0 Comments/in , , , , /by

It has been amazing to me the number of women who have shared stories of out-of-control behavior from their spouses.  Their teen does something to upset dad and the war is on.

It makes me sad.

And I’m betting that if you are in that situation in your home, then your feelings are even more heavy than mine.  I’m so sorry for what you are going through.

Most women in these situations ask me what they can do to ease the strife and reduce the fear that plagues their home.  

These women love their husbands.  They know that they are good men.  It’s in the heat of the moment that something breaks inside these men.  They use their physical stance or words to show their power.  Thankfully the women I’ve spoken to haven’t experienced physical abuse in their homes, but they are fearful of what might happen someday.

These women also love their children.  They want to make sure they are protecting them even though now the kids tower over them in stature at times.  Most of them worry about the affect these outbursts will have on their kids in the future.  Will they see out-of-control behavior as something that is acceptable?  Are they harboring anger and resentment that will keep them from returning home once they have the ability to move out?  Will the behavior replicate itself when they become parents?

So here are a few things that I share with women.  I’ve had several women tell me it has made a huge difference in their homes.  Others, not so much.  But either way, if you are a mom wanting to calm the wars between your husband and your teens, here’s a place to start.

  1. Pick a time when there is no strife and ask your husband’s permission to talk with him about a problem you are concerned with.
  2. Create a safe environment for him by letting him know what a great husband and dad he is.
  3. Let him know that you know he loves his kids and wants the best for them.
  4. Share your concerns in a non-threatening way.
  5. Try to get agreement on how the two of you can handle these outbursts in the future.

The conversation might go something like this:  “Honey, I know that you want to be a good dad and want relationship with the kids even after they leave our home.  One of the things I’m concerned about is when things like what happened the other night take place.  I know that you don’t mean to get so upset and I’m sure you probably regret it.  Can we talk about what you might be feeling during those moments? I wonder if there might be something I could do to help you during those interchanges?  I love you and want us to have great relationships with our kids.”

Obviously this is a simplified version of how the conversation might go–but I want to encourage you to step into the middle of what could be conflict.  Our kids are precious and worth the conversation, even if it goes poorly.

I would also like to encourage you to talk with your teens.  Let them share their feelings and struggle with you when these situations occur.  Strategize together on things they might try to de-escalate the situation. Perhaps you encourage them to have a similar dialogue like the one above with their dad.  If that isn’t safe, maybe you have the conversation first with your husband and encourage him to sit down with you and your teen to talk through the issues while you coach both of them in the conversation.

Another thing you might consider is asking your spouse to go to counseling or talk to someone at church about how to handle his emotion.  More times than not, these episodes stem from anger in other situations that have not been adequately resolved sometimes from childhood.

Ephesians 6:13-15

13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.

One of our roles as moms is to be relationship architects such that our home is a sanctuary of peace for our family.  Sometimes that means respectfully engaging in conflict so that others will understand appropriate boundaries and work on their issues.

Prayers to you who are engaged in the battle for your kids when dad is out-of-control.  And don’t be afraid to protect your children if  communication escalates the issues.

“Let go…and let God”,

090414_1832_Dare23TheR2.png

If you want to resolve conflict in your home, I would encourage you to check out With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens & Tweens.  In it, we talk about things that help parents learn preemptive conflict resolution skills.  I’d love to walk beside you in our eCourse that goes along with the book.  If you need to talk, email me at debbiehitchcock@gettingperspective.com

 

 

How Do You Measure Up As a Parent?

/0 Comments/in , , , , /by

Over the years it has been interesting to interact with parents who have kids that are just moving into the middle school years.  I see many confident in their parenting.  Whatever they have been doing so far seems to be working and they feel like they will glide through the junior high and high school years with little more than a hiccup.

Other parents at the same place are already holding on for dear life trying to figure out what hit them and who has replaced their child with this alien that is now living under their roof.  These are the parents who most likely live in fear for what tomorrow might bring and feel clueless as to what to do next to move their child in a positive direction.

Whatever parenting situation you find yourself in at the moment, and what stage of parenting you are in, I encourage you to stay on your knees regardless of today.   Tomorrow might bring about a totally different outcome.

  • I’ve seen a compliant teen make unbelievably poor choices in college that brought pain to the entire family.
  • I’ve seen a troubled pregnant teenager mature and find a Godly husband to not only love her but be a father to her child.
  • I’ve seen a teenager on fire for God fall into the trap of alcoholism later in life.
  • I’ve seen a teenager growing up in a Godly home choose a same-sex partner.
  • I’ve seen kids make good choices through junior high only to make a dumb decision in high school that landed them in Juvenal Detention.
  • I’ve also seen Godly parents raise Godly children who are also walking with God.

Regardless of where we find ourselves in our parenting, the thing we need to realize as parents is that we are only part of the equation when it comes to our kids.  There are so many other things to consider.

  1. God created our kids with a particular bent (Proverbs 22:6).  As parents we don’t get to choose that bent and we can’t control it.  Sometimes our job is to love them in spite of who they are or the choices they make even when they go against everything we believe as truth (Mark 12:31).
  2. Sin did enter the world (Romans 5:12).  Scripture talks about generational sin and we in our culture we often hear it said that “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”.  As we see behaviors in our kids lives, we need to recognize that the sin might have roots from a previous generation (Deuteronomy 5:9). Our job as parents is to teach our kids about the potential outcome of their choices knowing that even in the midst of their particular sin we can only try to influence.  Our children have to choose.
  3. God is weaving His story (The Holy Bible).  At some point we need to understand that our children are part of a bigger story and we are not necessarily the author.  Yes, we have a significant role to play as the scene unfolds, yet God has purpose for each and every one of us.  Our child’s testimony might have unbelievable impact in the future even though it is bringing pain to us in the present.

As I read through scripture I am reminded that some of the parenting stories don’t always end the way we want.  King David’s son, Absalom (2 Samuel 13-19) nursed hatred toward his half-brother and had Amnon killed, slept with his father’s concubines, and proclaimed himself as king in David’s place. The Bible says that David “longed to go out to Absalom” (2 Samuel 13:39) and later David mourned deeply over his son.  Yet, David was considered a man after God’s own heart (Acts 13:22).

At some point we need to come to grips with the fact that our parenting isn’t about how our kids turn out but rather how we respond in the critical moments with our kids. Our job isn’t to try to be the best parent on the planet, but to be the best son or daughter of a living God in the midst of our parenting.

Parenting is really about us and our relationship with Jesus Christ as well as our relationship with our kids.

 

Mark 12:28-31

 And one of the scribes came up and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, asked him, “Which commandment is the most important of all?”  Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’  The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.

As a parent of a challenging child who seemed to make a lot of wrong choices, I often found myself longing to know what decisions were the “right” ones as I parented.  Then I began to realize that even a perfect God didn’t have perfect kids that made the right choices.  David, a man after God’s own heart, didn’t always “get it right”.  As I searched through scripture trying to grasp what God was trying to teach me in the midst of the pain, I began to realize that parenting was as much about me as it was about this child.

I realized that maybe parenting was more about changing me than it was about trying to control my child’s behaviors.

That’s where With All Due Respect begins.  Who do I need to become as I parent these children?  Where do I need to focus in my own sinful desires and behaviors?  And what do I need to do to love God and love my children the way He desires of me?

Take the assessment and see what God wants from you.  Whether your kids are making good choices or not, God wants to refine us through our parenting.

Dare you to take the assessment and respond below on what you discovered.

“Let go…and Let God”,

If God is speaking to you through the assessment, we’d love to have you join our With All Due Respect eCourse.  You’ll be joining women from across the country as we learn to depend on God in our parenting.  Dare to be changed–in your relationship with Him and your kids–as you work through the book.  I’ll be there to join you in the closed community where you’ll find encouragement and insight.

Another option might be to grab a few of your friends and go through the book together.  We’ve created a small group leader’s guide that will add insight and fun as you lead women to a closer relationship with God and their kids.  You can purchase the leader’s guide here.