Tag Archive for: help for foster parents

Feeling Overwhelmed As A Parent? 10 Things You Might Consider.

/0 Comments/in /by

 

Whether it be the lack of sleep during the infant and toddler years or the fear of what our kids are doing during the teen years or early 20’s, at some point in the journey we’re likely to feel overwhelmed as a parent.  For many of us we’ve been conditioned to be energizer bunnies; “we keep going and going and going” until our battery runs out or a cataclysmic event forces us to slow down.

I’ve been in that same place for a while now.  Stress from a child in chronic pain, grief from a 20-something making too many poor decisions, work, meals, and everything in between can send me to the point of exhaustion just needing a break.  Just when I think I can’t handle any more, I get a call letting me know that my mother-in-law has passed away this week.  The event that forces me to pause.

Why is it that when you get to the breaking point one more thing always happens?

I’ve talked to several moms this week who are in the same place.  One came home from work early and collapsed for a brief 10 minute nap before the kids came home from school.  Another was stressed because her 20-something does a verbal dump of all her problems in late night conversations.  A mom with a kid smoking weed, another having to be two places at one time with two separate kids, homework, new schedules, teacher issues, coaches who play favorites, and a husband who verbally tears down his kids are all stresses that can impact our well-being.

All the normal stuff of being a mom.  Right?

Why is it that as a mom we tend to take care of everyone else but ourselves?

Scripture gives you permission to do something different.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own?  For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in the body and in your spirit, which are God’s.

Think about it.  You are God’s temple–the place where He dwells.

In the Old Testament the tabernacle or temple had to hold up under extreme stress because it was portable.  God even assigned priests to take care of the tabernacle and temple.

If you are a mom, there’s no one to take care of you, except you.  You are the priest for your temple.

If you are too tired and are yelling at your kids, you aren’t taking care of your temple.  If you have schedules that require more energy than you have to give, something needs to go.  If you are getting a constant verbal dump from your 20-somethings, then maybe it’s time to teach coping skills and put time boundaries in place.  If you are responsible for the entire house and possibly the lawn, then maybe it is time to bring out the chore chart and enlist the help of other family members.

Give yourself permission to take care of you and make sure you are refilling your tank.

The other day after hearing about my mother-in-law’s death, since there were many things that needed to be done,  my first thought was to see what I could reschedule on my calendar.  As I looked at breakfast scheduled with a friend my first inclination was to cancel it.  Upon further review, I decided to keep the date because I knew I needed to take care of me.  This friend would listen; she would make me laugh; she would help me forget my sorrow so that I would be energized to do the next thing.  And I realized, it was the best decision to take care of me.

Here are some things you might consider as you move yourself up on your priority schedule.

  1. Are you getting enough sleep?
  2. Are you too busy to spend time with God in quiet meditation?
  3. Are there too many sports or activities for the kids?
  4. What hobbies do you enjoy?  Are you doing them?
  5. Do you have friendships that energize you?  If not, why not?
  6. What are your stresses?  Can someone else ease the burden?
  7. Do you schedule time away with either your spouse, a friend, or by yourself so that you can relax and unwind?
  8. Do you even know if your tank is more likely to be filled up if you are with other people or if you are by yourself?
  9. Are you worrying and trying to control things that are not yours to own?
  10. Are there things to which you should be saying “no”?

Dare you to take inventory of your stress level and give yourself permission to take care of you.  If you do, you’ll find you have more energy to take care of the people in your life–serving as He has called us to.  The difference will be that if you’ve taken care of yourself you are more likely to do it with a cheerful heart.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

Interested in leading a parenting Bible study that will have women sharing on a deep level from the beginning?  Want them to walk away with a WOW! experience?  With All Due Respect will do just that and we promise to make it easy to lead.  You don’t need to be a perfect parent; you don’t need to have perfect kids; and you don’t need to have ever led a group before.

 

 

Who Gets the Blame in Your House?

/0 Comments/in , , , , , , /by

Let’s face it, as moms we know our kids.  We know what they are capable of and what they might do and most likely what they won’t do.  Hopefully we understand their hearts and what motivates them.

And we definitely know which of our kids is most likely to cause trouble in the family.  

I can’t tell you how many times as a mom I’ve had my kids come and tattle on the other.  And I’ll admit that at times I did the wrong thing–I passed judgment on who was telling the truth.  Think wearing a black and white striped referee shirt calling the shots of who is in the wrong–even without seeing the play.

Why?  Because we know our kids.  We know what they are capable of and what they might do.

Lord, forgive us as parents because we know not what we do.

Too many times as parents we choose to discipline without knowing all the facts.  We don’t recognize that if there is conflict then most likely both of our kids are to blame in some manner.  After all, you can’t have conflict without two people.

And if we have several kids, we typically create one of them to be the scapegoat.  Think about it.  A scapegoat is a person who is blamed for the wrongdoings, mistakes, or faults of others.  And it is usually done for for reasons of expediency.

How many times have we issued judgment on one of our kids in a conflict situation between siblings because we want it to be over and done? We don’t want to sort through the “he said, she did”, and whatever else we hear as they try to talk over each other.  So we issue an edict and refuse to talk about it any more.  Most likely our judgment is issued on the kid who we think we know started it in the first place–our family scapegoat.

What if we began handling these scenarios differently?  What if we took the time to teach our kids to solve their own differences?  And what if instead of judgment we taught them empathy and validation skills that they could use with each other?  These are skills that communicate love as well as respect.

Now I know that some of you think I’ve gone off the deep end by now.  You don’t even think this is possible.  But stay with me.  I know this is a long post, but it is so needed in most of our families.

What is our goal as parents?  Isn’t it to help teach our kids self-respect while they are under our roof rather than choosing sides where there is a winner and a loser in our family?  After all, if we fall into that trap we are creating extreme thinking in each of our kids.  The one in the “right” can develop an “I’m all that” way of thinking while the scapegoat develops the mentality of “I’m a loser and won’t ever measure up so why should I try”.

So what are some steps you can take if you are in the referee parent zone?

  1. When one of the kids starts screaming, or tattling, or blaming, pull them into a room together.  In other words, help them address their own problems with each other, not with you.
  2. Your role is coach not referee.  If there is a lot of emotional blaming, stop the conversation and take a time out.  Send them separate directions to calm down.
  3. Resume the conversation. Have them state the facts from their perspective.  No judgment.  Just facts.
  4. Coach them to communicate their why.  Teens need help understanding their feelings and their actions as a result of those feelings.  Sometimes they will discover that the “why they did what they did” has nothing to do with the present circumstance but something that they felt in the past.
  5. Teach your kids to show empathy and validate the other person’s feelings.
  6. Encourage them to apologize to each other for their part.
  7. Help them decide what they need from each other in the future to keep this from happening again. 

Here’s an abbreviated example of what it might look like.  Know that typically this conversation will most likely take time–sometimes lots of time.  Hopefully, this will get you started thinking about other ways to handle conflict in your home.

Aubrey:  “I pushed you and took your car keys because you think you are some hot shot at school.” 

Jeremy: “You made me out to be a fool in front of all the kids at school.  Mom, she made me sit there in the parking lot until I had to finally chase her down to get my keys.”

Mom:  “I can see that both of you are upset about this.  I’m going to ask each of you to go find something to do to calm yourselves down.  We’ll talk about it again after dinner.  Be thinking about what part you need to own and why you did what you did.”

After dinner…

Mom:  “I know in the past I’ve usually decided who was at fault when the two of you disagree.  Both of you are getting to the age where you need to start resolving your own problems.  I’m going to try to coach you through the process.  Know that I might stop you and try to teach you a better way to say something.  It might be awkward, but pretend you are at basketball practice and your coach is teaching you a new drill.  Jeremy, why don’t you go first and tell Aubrey just the facts as you saw them today.  Address her directly, not me.”

Jeremy:  “Aubrey, I can’t believe you took my keys today.  You made me feel like an idiot in front of my friends having to chase you down to get them so we could come home.”

Aubrey:  “You act like you are some hot shot at school.  You talk to all your friends as we are getting in the car and it is like I’m some tag along.  I’m invisible to you.  I was trying to get your attention today to tell you something and you told me to shut up.  That really upset me.” 

Jeremy:  “But you…”

Mom:  “Let’s stop right there.  The two of you are getting emotional again.  Take a deep breath.  Let me summarize the facts I heard based on what you both just said.  Both of you were coming out of school and Aubrey was trying to tell you something.  She felt like you weren’t listening so she grabbed your keys and ran off with them.  Jeremy, you chased her down to get them and felt embarrassed because of what Aubrey forced you to do to get the keys back.”

Once there is consensus on the facts,  talk about the why.

Mom:  “Now let’s talk about the why.  Aubrey why don’t you go first”.

Aubrey:  “Jeremy never listens to me.  I took his keys because I wanted to remind him that we needed to stop at the store to pick stuff up for my science project on the way home and he wasn’t listening.  I needed to get his attention somehow.”

Mom:  “Jeremy, Aubrey just told you why she did what she did and how she feels invisible to you.  Rather than tell your side of the story, I’d like you to use words to show her that you care about how she was feeling.”

After Jeremy shows empathy and validates Aubrey, then Mom would coach Aubrey to do the same after Jeremy states his why.  Then they need to apologize to each other.

Once they’ve worked through it, coach them in ways to help keep the problem from happening in the future.  Be thinking, ‘what does Aubrey want in the relationship’ and ‘what does Jeremy want’?  

In this scenario, they both wanted the same thing–respect.

It isn’t until we teach our kids to “put themselves in the other’s shoes” that we can help them develop deep relationships with others. 

Luke 6:37-38; 40

 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”   The student is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like their teacher.”
How often do we judge or condemn our kids without knowing the whole truth?  Teach your kids the skills to resolve their own differences.  After all, don’t we want our teens to mature into adults who act like adults?
Dare you to look at your own style of resolving conflict in your home.  Maybe your scapegoat’s behavior is based on how he sees himself.  Get the skills you need to be the best parent you can be.
“Let go…and Let God”,

I hope you are enjoying some of the content of these blogs.  Know that I want to walk beside you in your parenting and help you think outside the box of the way most of us were parented.  We are raising a new generation of kids who need connection.  With technology, cell phones, and relationships condensed to text, our kids will miss out on the skills of deep relationships unless we teach them the importance of respecting themselves and others.  I don’t know about you, but I’m seeing real authentic relationships becoming a thing of the past.

Will you be part of the Generation Changing movement?  We’d love to have you grab the book With All Due Respect  and go through it with your friends.  It will change the way you look at your role as a parent.  And we promise to make it easy to lead.  You don’t need to be a perfect parent; you don’t need to have perfect kids; and you don’t need to have ever led a group before.

A Small Group Leader’s Guide is also available with questions for group discussion.

It will change your relationships with God, with your spouse, and with your kids.

Dare ya!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Are Your Parenting Truths?

/4 Comments/in , , , /by

 

When my kids were in the teen years and there seemed to be more conflict in our home than I wanted to deal with, I started doing some introspection as to what truths I held in my parenting.  What I discovered was that all the things I had learned from my parents during my childhood weren’t necessarily true.

As children we see and learn through a child’s mind.  We interpret things through a brain that is not fully developed and doesn’t have the full breadth of experience of adulthood.  And depending on how we interpret the world, either through a the lens of a glass half-full or a glass half-empty, whether we felt safe, loved, needed, and had purpose, determines whether we view our family of origin’s parenting style in a positive or negative light.

Either way, it will have impact on how we parent.  We will either choose to parent how our parents parented or we will choose to do something different.  Most likely if we didn’t like how our parents parented, we will pendulum swing and do the exact opposite.

The question we have to ask ourselves though is what is our parenting Truth?

Are there lies that we believed as a child that impact us and keep us from being the parent God wants us to be?

Are there actions or reactions in your parenting that need to be viewed from an adult lens rather than what was modeled or said to you when you were a child?  Are there partial truths we are believing that stem from our culture?  The neighbors?  Or other parents?

It has been amazing to me through the years as I’ve interacted with many parents how we as Christians will justify our words, our negative reactions, and sometimes anger at our child.  Our disrespect of our child’s perspective, feelings, or requests can easily be overlooked.  After all, we’re the parent and think we know best.

I’ve been there.  I’ve offered a sweet chuckle as I’ve shared a story of an interaction with my child trying to “normalize” my response.  It’s something I saw modeled and took as my own.  Somehow we think that if we laugh about our sinful response to our kids we feel justified in our actions rather than feeling remorse and moving toward reconciliation with our teen.

I think that God gives us these sometimes difficult teen years to help us see His Truth in our parenting rather than what we think is truth.

So what about you?  What truths do you hold to in your parenting that may not be truths at all?

  • It’s my job to make sure my kids are happy.
  • If I orchestrate the family schedule, no one will feel left out.
  • I need to give my kid every experience possible.
  • If my teen challenges me, maybe I was too harsh and should back down.
  • When my child is emotionally acting out, I should use my authority to bring them under control.
  • Everyone else their age has electronic devices so I have to get them one so they don’t feel left out.
  • How I respond to my kids is justified based on what and how they say things to me.
  • If my kid works hard he can be whatever he wants to be.
  • The kids will only be with us for a few more years, their desires are more important than our marriage.  We’ll have time for us in a few years after they are gone.
  • If we are good parents our children will make wise choices.
  • If my kids work hard at their studies or sports, they’ll get a scholarship for college.
  • My thoughts on what is going on in our home don’t need to be verbalized because they aren’t important.
  • What our parents think about our parenting choices should be part of our decision making.
  • I need to compare our family to other families to make sure our kids measure up.
  • If what I say as a parent is met with silence and non-compliance from my child, I need to just give up on trying to get them to respond.
  • It is up to me to give, give, and give to my teens at the risk of feeling like a slave to their needs.
  • The only thing we can take to heaven is our kids.
  • I can control who my child dates or marries.
  • And the list goes on.

The lies we have bought into that affect our parenting can become toxic patterns that the enemy would love for us to embrace.  These lies or partial truths not only affect the quality of our relationships in our homes but give us a weak foundation in our parenting because when we base our decisions on anything other than God’s Truth, we will typically pendulum swing in our responses based on how we feel in the moment or whether we have enough energy to fight the battle.

2 Corinthians 10:4-5

The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.  We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Romans 12:2

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Dare you to look back at your own childhood and filter the things you learned about parenting through the lens of adulthood.  Let the Holy Spirit guide you into the His Truths as you parent your kids by taking your lies and half-truths and making them obedient to Christ.

“Let go…and let God”,

Does it feel like your tweens don’t listen when you’re talking? Or maybe you don’t feel like your teens respect you? Tired of the conflict?  I’d love to connect with you for a free coaching session.  You can contact me at debbiehitchcock@gettingperspective.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is Your Home Filled With Laughter?

/0 Comments/in , , , , /by

When our kids are little it is easy to laugh at the cute things they say and do.  Even during those early years of school we watch with excitement as they encounter new experiences and are filled with wonder.  And then as our kids become tweens and teens the climate in most homes changes.  Instead of laughter, life gets serious — sometimes too serious.

Maybe it’s our kids pushing our patience or their mouthiness that makes us as parents feel the need to control.  I think sometimes we realize that our kids are no longer those sweet, innocent children any more and we become fearful of the possibilities and reality of what could happen if they make the wrong choices.  We push them to strive for excellence in school or in sports because college is looming up ahead and we come to the realization that someone needs to pay for it.

Whatever the circumstance with your teens, take time to fill your home with laughter.

I was talking to a mom a few weeks ago and could feel the weight of heaviness resting on her shoulders.  She was giving me a list of all the things her teenage son wasn’t doing.  It was obvious that mom had certain expectations that her son was not fulfilling.  Blame was heavy as we talked.  She no longer found joy in this son, only condemnation.  Laughter was the furthest thing from her mind.

I’ll admit I’ve been in that place at times.  When our kids are doing things that cause us fear and anxiety it is easy to be so afraid that we can’t find any joy in any moment.  At times it seems they aren’t listening to anything we ask them to do.  That’s when it is time to take our thoughts captive.  It’s when we need to be able to think quickly on our feet in order to turn the difficult moment into a memorable opportunity filled with laughter.  It’s where we show our kids that the joy of the Lord is our strength.

So what can that look like?

  1. When there is conflict in the house, have a family code word.  In our house there is a code word that will bring laughter to any situation.  If we hear siblings arguing, either Dave or I will enter the room and quietly watch the verbal match.  When the right opportunity presents itself, we say the code word and immediately change the subject.  Inevitably, our kids will look at each other, then they’ll look at us, and laughter will fill the air.  Everyone in the family knows the code word and everyone has permission to use it.  It means unhook the bickering and laugh!
  2. Find the positive in every situation.  Even disaster can have a silver lining if we take time to look.  If your teen flunks a class, he’ll have opportunity to prove himself again and learn from the mistake.  If your daughter wrecks the car, she’ll most likely become a more careful driver.  If your teen is still breathing, that is the positive — find joy in that moment.
  3. Be mindful of the now.  Too many times we fearfully get wrapped up in what could happen in the future — won’t get into college, won’t get a scholarship, will end up doing something stupid like alcohol or drugs, or whatever is your greatest fear.  Work on the now and the future will take care of itself.  Find joy in the moment and love your teen right where he is.  Remind yourself that the future is in God’s hands.
  4. Find time to do fun things with your teens.  You know your kids better than anyone.  Try doing some of the things that they like to do with them.  Chances are you’ll bring laughter to the room as you try to lip sync or play one of their video games with them.  I’ll never forget being in the mall with my son as we both tried to do DDR (Dance, Dance Revolution for those who don’t know what that is :))  My son never laughed so hard as I drew a crowd in the mall as the worst player ever.  It’s a great memory for both of us.
  5. Take negative comments and situations and turn them into laughter moments.  My husband, Dave, is the expert at this in our home and I’m working hard on it.  When one of our now 20-somethings comes out with a sharp accusation or negative comment, Dave will take it and put a spin of laughter on it.  Just like Dare 15 in With All Due Respect, quick thinking with a dose of humor can turn a difficult moment into an opportunity to teach respect.

Proverbs 31:25 (NLT)

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

Nehemiah 8:10b

“Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

Dare you to not take life quite so seriously when your kids become tweens and teens.  Humor in the difficulties of life can bring opportunity to model respect and provide teaching opportunities much more than lectures and condemnation.  

“Let go…and Let God”,

Want a way to connect with other Moms?  Why not grab a copy of With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens & Tweens and go through the book together.  Whether your kids are 9 or 29, you’ll find the questions will apply to your parenting.  You can also connect with us in the With All Due Respect eCourse on Facebook.  It’s free for a limited time.

Here’s what Shaunti Feldhahn, Social Researcher and Best Selling Author of For Women Only had to say:

“A spectacular tool for every mom who has heard the advice “be purposeful,” and wondered, “But what does that mean?  This ultra-practical guidebook shows each of us what it means.  Step by step, day by day, this amazing resource will walk each of us into being the godly moms we all deeply want to be, to have the impact on our kids we are all longing for.”

Where Does Your Mind Go When it Comes to Your Kids?

/0 Comments/in , , , , /by

Most of the women in our groups love to talk about Dare 20.  Often they think, “Thank goodness my child would never do that”.

In my experience there are two types of moms–those who think the best and those who think the worst.  And know that it matters in the relationship that you want to have with your teens and tweens.

If you don’t know where you fall, humor me for a few minutes by thinking through a few scenarios.

  1. Curfew was 15 minutes ago and your teen has still not arrived home.  You are tired and want to go to bed.  What is going through your mind?
    1. Oh my, what if he’s been in a car accident, or drinking, or having sex, or the other hundred things that could go wrong.
    2. That kid never listens to me.  There will be a consequence for this for sure.  How dare he keep me up late when he knows I have to be at work early tomorrow.
    3. I’m sure there is a perfectly good explanation for him being late.  I’ll just go to bed and we’ll talk about it in the morning.
  2. Your daughter hasn’t yet emptied the dishwasher and set the table for dinner for the third day this week.  You’re miffed because you want to get dinner on the table before you have to leave for a school event that she is in.  What is going through your mind?
    1. She never does her chores and I’m the one who has to pick up her slack.  Maybe I should just not go to her event tonight.  Or better yet, I’ll give her plenty of chores to keep her busy this weekend.
    2. She has become so lazy and I’m tired of reminding her of her chores.  I’ll bet she is on her iPhone talking to friends.  I guess I’ll be taking that away from her for at least a week.  Maybe two.
    3. I’ll have to ask her what is going on this week that she can’t help.  I wonder if something is bothering her or if she has too much on her plate?
  3. Your tween just came in from school.  You mentioned that the two of you would be leaving in about an hour to go over to rake leaves at your parents’ house since they are unable to do it.  Instead of being excited to see his grandparents your son grumbles under his breath and says, “We always have to help them.  I’m sick of always doing things for them. I just wish they would hurry up and die so I could have a life.”  How will you respond?
    1. “How dare you talk about your grandparents like that!  They love you and have always given to you.  Now you wish they were dead?  You are so selfish!”
    2. “You should be grateful that you still have grandparents that you can help.  I’m not going to let you talk about them that way.  If you can’t take a little time out of your day to help them then maybe I should take away your iPod.  You don’t deserve it.”
    3. “Honey, I know it is hard to have grandparents who are so needy.  You usually like going to their house and helping.  What’s up that you don’t want to do it today?”

How we think and act toward our teens when they don’t respond the way we think they should says something about us.  It shows us how we think.  If we have a negative mindset (answers 1 or 2 above), then research has shown that we can actually create a self-fulfilling prophecy through our negativism.  Our kids will usually escalate the amount of negative-seeking behaviors.

Positive relationship attachment with our kids is defined by our acceptance of them.  It means that we choose to trust them and give them the benefit of the doubt.  If trust is built then our kids will feel safe with us–sometimes safe enough to share their deepest secrets.

How we respond in a given situation speaks volumes as to our level of trust in our children.

Most of us are familiar with 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.  

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

But notice the last verse–always trusts.

When we jump to conclusions about what is going through our kid’s mind, we are not focused on our child’s truth.  We are focused on our allusion of what the truth must be.  Too many times our brains will resort to the worst case scenario creating fear for us as parents.

Dare you to take your thoughts captive and train your brain to rethink in the positive.  If you do, your relationships with your teens and tweens will deepen and trust and safety will be built in a way that builds connection.

“Let go…and Let God”,

If you would like encouragement with training your mind to think positively, we want to encourage you to join our With All Due Respect on-line eCourse.  From the convenience of your home you’ll have opportunity to go through the book with moms who are where you are in the struggle.  There you will find encouragement, a place to ask questions, and videos to help you in the parenting journey. 

We hope you will join us!

Dare ya!

Do Your Teens and Tweens Need an Attitude Change?

/0 Comments/in , /by

We live in a give, give, and give some more culture–especially when it comes to our kids.   I’ll be the first to admit that I lavished gifts onto my kids.  After all, I wanted them to have all the things that I just knew would make them delighted!

And then there were all the activities.  As a mom I did what most of us do, I gave, gave, and gave some more — every opportunity that I thought would expand my kid’s horizons and let them explore their dreams to reach their potential.

But are our kids grateful?  Do they have an attitude of thankfulness?

Sometimes as parents I think our view of parenting is skewed.  We think that if we give more to our kids they will feel loved and will auto-magically (by the way that’s our family’s coined word) be thankful.  In reality, when we don’t teach our kids to understand gratitude, when they become older teens and young adults they sometimes have difficulty learning the harsh realities of life that everything will not magically come to them.

As I hear the numerous stories about teen suicide I can’t help but wonder if we as parents are perhaps missing the point.  Trust me when I say that mental illness can be a huge factor in these deaths.  However, could there be a component to these situations where we’ve placed so much emphasis on us giving and our kids receiving that we’ve forgotten how to teach our children to have an attitude of gratitude?  They can’t see the positives because they become so focused on what others have that they don’t.

Does giving too much create a negative pattern of thinking that makes kids feel they deserve everything they want?

I’m not sure we’ll ever fully understand how our kids think; however, researchers have found that the brain can actually be rewired as a result of actively choosing gratitude.  In fact, anxiety and depression are reduced as a result of being thankful.

Imagine that if instead of focusing on what we are giving this holiday season we helped our kids focus on the things for which they can be grateful.  What if we did the same?  Maybe we would all have a rewired brain that focuses on the good.

Here are some ways you might consider helping your kids move to a new way of thinking to change their attitude:

  1. Have each person in the family make a list of five things they are grateful for before they go to bed at night. By doing it at night we are helping our kids focus on the positives as they sleep.  (Hopefully they’ll wake up in a better mood).  Then share those things at the dinner table the next day.
  2. At least once a month have each person go around the table telling why they are thankful for each person at the dinner table.  Thanksgiving might be a great day to start.  Most likely it will bring lots of hugs.
  3. Identify a “cause” that your family can focus on during the next several months — cook for a homeless shelter, visit a rehab center bringing small homemade gifts, raise money to buy goats or chickens for an oversees orphanage, adopt a less fortunate family for Christmas, or babysit for a single mom are just a few ways to get the focus off our teens and help them see the difference in what is and what could be.
  4. Actively choose to spend less on presents during the Christmas season and create more opportunities to just be together.  Plan a holiday calendar of one-on-one time between each family member — mom and son date, mom and daughter date, dad and son date, dad and daughter date, as well as brother and sister dates.

Helping our kids discover that they have lots to be thankful for can help our kids become healthier adults with fewer expectations of what the world owes them.  The result will be a better attitude.

1 Timothy 4:4-5

For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is
received with thanksgiving, 
 because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer.

Dare you to be intentional during the holiday season teaching your teens the true meaning of generosity and gratitude.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Looking for a way to get Dad more engaged?  Hoping that he will be intentional in connecting with his tweens and teens?  365+ Ways to Love Your Family:  Practical Tips for Dads of Tweens and Teens is a short, easy to read book with practical suggestions that will help dads have impact with their kids.  Even if your husband isn’t one to pick up a book to read, this will spark his interest.  There are over 365 things he can do, in 5 minutes or less, that will let his kids know that they are loved.

Why not put it under the Christmas tree or use it as a stockingstuffer?  It’s a great little reminder to Dad at how important he is in your family.