Tag Archive for: I need help with parenting

What is Keeping You From Connecting With Your Teen on a Deeper Level?

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It was a Thursday evening. I had just gotten off a plane, exhausted and hungry. My husband offered to take me out to dinner and I was more than willing to let him pick the restaurant so that I could go home and crash.

Sitting in the booth telling my husband about the trip to visit my mother, I couldn’t help but notice the family sitting next to us. I tried not to stare, but I’ll admit that it was hard.

From afar it appeared to be Grandma and Grandpa, Mom and Dad with two kids, and an adult brother of the Dad. Maybe a family reunion with Grandma and Grandpa coming to visit.

But let me get to the point. We sat there for over an hour watching the daughter play games on her phone. Even though she was sitting beside grandma, there was no interaction. Zero.

Sure enough, after they had ordered, Mom got out her phone and started texting. I thought for sure she would put it down. Nada–at least until the food came out. Poor grandma sat there in silence as the men carried on a conversation at one end of the table in their own world.

Even as they ate, the daughter sat her phone on the table and continued to play games. Mom never said, “Honey, would you please put your phone away so you can eat?” There was no communication with this girl–only silent approval that this was acceptable behavior.

I’ll admit I wanted to get up and shake this mother and tell the pre-teen to put her phone away. But I did choose to be civil. After all, we were in a restaurant and this woman didn’t ask for my help.

As dinner was winding down, I happened to glance at the grandmother. She knew what I was thinking. And she turned her palms up, shrugged, and glanced at me as if to say, “There’s really nothing I can do.”

“Really?” I thought.

As moms, we may be way more engaging than this mother in setting boundaries for our kids and helping them learn the social skills that they will need to survive in the future, but I wonder how many times we’ve allowed something or someone else crowd out the deep connection we could be having with our teen.

  1. When our kids ask us for something, are we “too busy” in the moment and fail to circle back to help them at a better time?
  2. Do we set specific times on a regular basis to have special one-on-one time to do things that we both enjoy? And then do it?
  3. Do you have “talk” time or are you always rushing to the next activity with a list of “Did you do your_____ (homework or chores)?”
  4. Do you encourage interaction with other adults, especially with Grandma and Grandpa, so that relationships develop and a sense of family becomes important?
  5. Are we willing to do hard things ourselves, like put away the phone or give up something else, so that we can model relationships for our kids?
  6. Are we willing to step into the situations that are not going as we would like and say, “Honey, I would like you to put away the phone right now so we can enjoy each other, grandma, or whoever else is in the room.”?
  7. Are we willing to have the tough conversations before and after a situation so that our kids will learn what relationship is all about?

1 Timothy 4:12

Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.

Romans 12:1

I appeal to you therefore, brothers/sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

Dear Heavenly Father,

So many times I fail in my own actions and model behavior that will one day be passed to yet another generation. Lord, help me to not only think through my own convictions but to live them out for my children. Help me to be brave and walk into what might be conflict over things like phones, computers, gaming systems, friends, and other things so that I can teach my kids the art of true relationships.

Lord, I also pray that my relationship with you will become deeper and stronger as I choose to live my life for you. Help me to be a parent who engages with her children in a way that will bring you glory and honor.

In the precious name of Jesus, Amen.

Dare you to think about ways you can more deeply connect with your teen and teach them about true relationships.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Teaching teens the importance of relationship is so very difficult in a technology driven world.  If you would like to connect more deeply with your teen, why not grab a copy of With All Due Respect and join us in our on-line eCourse?  I’ll be joining you in a community of christian women who want to take their relationships with their kids to the next level.  Hope to see you there!

 

 

Are You Coasting As a Parent?

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I was listening to a podcast this week about setting goals for 2019.  I don’t know about you, but when I think of goal setting, I typically think of my career, my finances, my health, and other areas that I can quantify.  I’ll admit that becoming a better parent is on my list, but it usually stops there.  I don’t take the time to think about what being a better parent really means to each of my kids.

There was something else the Kelly Thorne Gore said in her podcast that had me thinking. 

“There are five weeks left in the year.  Are you coasting until the end of the year?  Please know that a lot of things can unravel during those five weeks when we coast.”

Hmm…an unraveling of the goals we’ve set because we are coasting.  As I contemplated further that idea of coasting I realized that it means we’re going downhill and things seem easy.  What happens when we reach the bottom of the hill?

There were seasons in my own parenting that I’ll admit I was coasting.  These were the times when life was good and I would relish the season, take a deep breath, and relax a little in my focus.  After all, my kids seemed to be doing the right things and there were no major family hiccups or push backs.

However, just about the time I was ready to deem my child mature, something catastrophic would happen that would send me spinning as a parent.  “What was I doing wrong?  Why the sudden change in their choices?  I can’t believe I’m having to deal with this,” consumed my thinking.  These are the times my heart would race, my frustration would flare, and I found myself grasping at anything that would put my teen back on the path toward maturity.

And the pattern I uncovered as I thought through the “how did we get here?” was that these were the times when I realized that I had taken my eye off the goal.  I truly was coasting without any sense of urgency or intentional focus.

Being intentional in our parenting means we have a vision for the future.  What are we really hoping for as our teen becomes an adult? 

Are we focused on behavior, attitudes, faith, friends, or accomplishment?  Is their happiness our ultimate goal?

Or are we encouraging them to become who God wants them to be with appropriate guardrails and boundaries in place while we solidify a healthy relationship?

So with five weeks left in 2018, I want to challenge you to set some parenting goals for yourself.  Not the new year’s resolution type that will be forgotten in less than a month, but the kind of goals that will propel you into the future with intent.  Goals for your parenting that will be quantifiable so that when your world does get hit with a calamity, you’ll know how to quickly get back on track.

Here’s a place you might start:

  1. What is going well right now with my teen?  What are the areas my teen needs to grow in?
  2. What is going well in our relationship?  Are there areas where I am too lenient, too strict, too involved, or too complacent?
  3. Am I in a place of influence in my teen’s life?  If not, what steps can I take to make it safe for my teen to seek my advice?
  4. Am I spending enough time with my teen?  What do we do when we are together?  What changes, if any, should I make in this area?
  5. Am I gentle and kind or am I constantly nagging?  If necessary, what can I do differently in this area?
  6. What else needs to change?

Proverbs 29:18

Where there is no vision, the people perish.

Proverbs 16:9

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.

Dare you to spend the next few weeks with God asking Him to help set you on the right path in your parenting.

“Let go…and Let God”,

If you know someone with kids 9-29, maybe a great gift idea for this holiday season might be a copy of With All Due Respect:  40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens & Tween.  A companion option might be our online eCourse that accompanies the book where they will have opportunity to learn from moms who have been there.

And we continue to get positive feedback from teachers who have read it. Why not make your teacher gift giving easy this year?

Have a blessed day of gratitude!