Tag Archive for: I’m losing my teen

Respect in the Little Things

/0 Comments/in , , , /by

Just this past week I had to swallow my pride, take a step back, and deal with the disrespect I felt in a healthy way. It was really a little thing–one that could have easily been avoided if the person had just sloughed it off as an over site and moved on.

And I’ll admit it was hard to keep the communication flowing in a way that cultivated relationship rather than me shutting down because I felt chastised.

It started with me asking a question.

The response wasn’t what I expected.

“I sent you an email,” the person stated in a tone of accusation.

“Oh, I must have missed it,” I responded in what I tried to make a light-hearted tone.

“Well I sent it.”

I’m sure I paused at the matter of fact tone as I tried to understand my feeling of deeper accusation.

As I took a deep breath my brain clicked into action and I tried to be upbeat and respond in a non-threatening tone.  “What email address did you send it to? When we moved we changed providers and I had to change my email.” 

The individual shared the email address and sure enough it was my old one.

“I didn’t get an undelivered message. I should have gotten one from the provider if it is no longer in use.” (Translated in my mind, “You didn’t do what you needed to do or this wouldn’t have happened.”)

Unfortunately the conversation digressed even more to others who had not responded to their emails which this person sent.

I laughed to ease the tension. “Guess they got lost somewhere in cyberspace. Oh well. Things happen. It’s not a big deal.” And I eased into the question I had asked in the first place.

“But I want you to know I did what I was supposed to do.” Translated, “Don’t blame me.”

I was shocked at the defensiveness in the tone and a little hurt that she thought I was blaming her for something.

My only goal was to gather information and seek an answer so that I would know what to do next.

I thought I was reaching out in a friendly manner. After all, I appreciated the work this person was doing. It meant a lot that the individual had taken initiative.  Yet, somehow this acquaintance/friend wasn’t picking up on my attempts to connect.

Having had my question answered, my first thought as we ended the conversation was, “What could have possibly happened in this person’s life (most likely childhood) that made it so important to not feel blamed?”  And I began praying for her.

As I thought about the conversation, I couldn’t help but think of the interactions we have with our kids on a daily basis.

  • Does our tone of voice come across to them as if we are scolding them?
  • Do we blame them for things they may not have done?
  • Do we come across as accusatory in the little statements we make putting them on the defensive?
  • Are we inadvertently pushing our kids away rather than creating connection?
  • Do our words make them feel stupid or our sarcastic remarks hurt in a way that makes them feel “less than”?
  • Are we focused on being right rather than the relationship?

I’m sure the individual I had conversation with had no clue as to how I was feeling in the moment.  I’m sure there was no ill-intent of any kind.  For this person, it was most likely a learned response based on how others had responded in the past–most likely out of pain and chastisement that was internalized at a young age.

But there is hope.  

What I’ve learned through the years of dealing with my own pain is that unhealthy communication patterns can be changed.  Sometimes a little humor goes a long way.  Apology can help as well. And there are countless ways we can assess what we are feeling in the moment so that we can change the trajectory of what feels like a negative conversation and turn it into connection.

But it takes introspection and practice.  It takes the will to change ourselves rather than blaming the other person.  And a training weekend sponsored by Greater Impact Ministries can help.  Trust me when I say that a training course I went through almost a decade ago literally changed the outcome of who I am today.  And the active learning environment made it a safe place to figure out what I was doing wrong in the moment and how to change the outcome with a few simple strategies.

The cool part is that our tone of voice, our defensive patterns, and the words we use are only a small piece of the learning.  The training I took all those years ago has transformed into learning that grows exponentially as I encounter new situations every day–especially in my parenting.

James 1:19

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,

This verse saved me the day I asked the question of my friend.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”

And I want the love of my Heavenly Father to flow through me even when it is difficult and I feel disrespected or wrongfully accused.

If you are like me and want to be more like Jesus as you interact with those difficult people in your life, I hope you will join me at our Deflating Defensiveness Training Retreat in the Greater Cincinnati, Ohio area this June.

Women who have attended in the past keep coming back because of what God is doing in their relationships as a result of all they learn.  Another thing that happens as a result of the conference is that you will have continued support as you become part of the continued learning community. Women like you who want to make an impact on their relationships and shine the light of Christ to others will be there.

Healthy communication is learned and we can help you impact your family and friendships.  We hope you will consider joining us in June.  

To find out more:  https://www.greaterimpact.org/deflating-defensiveness-training

Dear Heavenly Father,

Sometimes I have expectations on how my kids should interact with me, yet I don’t always respond in a gentle way.  I get angry, frustrated, and at times defensive and I see the same behaviors from them.  Lord, I want to model your love and connect with them in a healthy way that will impact future generations.  Help me to learn to communicate in a way that shows my love for them just like you show Your love for me.  I so want a connection with my kids that will stand the test of time.  As I pursue You more, help me to also do everything in my power to encourage my children to turn to you.  May your influence in my life shine through me so that others will be influenced to follow you.

In the precious name of Jesus.  Amen.

“Let go…and Let God”,

I realize that a retreat is a huge commitment.  If you aren’t ready to join us in June, can I suggest that you start small with the book With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship With Your Teens & Tweens

If you would like more support than just reading through a book alone, you can join our community eCourse where other Christian moms who have learned our deflating defensive skills will help you learn the process.  We’ll walk beside you on your parenting journey.

 

 

 

 

 

What is Keeping You From Connecting With Your Teen on a Deeper Level?

/0 Comments/in , , , , , /by

It was a Thursday evening. I had just gotten off a plane, exhausted and hungry. My husband offered to take me out to dinner and I was more than willing to let him pick the restaurant so that I could go home and crash.

Sitting in the booth telling my husband about the trip to visit my mother, I couldn’t help but notice the family sitting next to us. I tried not to stare, but I’ll admit that it was hard.

From afar it appeared to be Grandma and Grandpa, Mom and Dad with two kids, and an adult brother of the Dad. Maybe a family reunion with Grandma and Grandpa coming to visit.

But let me get to the point. We sat there for over an hour watching the daughter play games on her phone. Even though she was sitting beside grandma, there was no interaction. Zero.

Sure enough, after they had ordered, Mom got out her phone and started texting. I thought for sure she would put it down. Nada–at least until the food came out. Poor grandma sat there in silence as the men carried on a conversation at one end of the table in their own world.

Even as they ate, the daughter sat her phone on the table and continued to play games. Mom never said, “Honey, would you please put your phone away so you can eat?” There was no communication with this girl–only silent approval that this was acceptable behavior.

I’ll admit I wanted to get up and shake this mother and tell the pre-teen to put her phone away. But I did choose to be civil. After all, we were in a restaurant and this woman didn’t ask for my help.

As dinner was winding down, I happened to glance at the grandmother. She knew what I was thinking. And she turned her palms up, shrugged, and glanced at me as if to say, “There’s really nothing I can do.”

“Really?” I thought.

As moms, we may be way more engaging than this mother in setting boundaries for our kids and helping them learn the social skills that they will need to survive in the future, but I wonder how many times we’ve allowed something or someone else crowd out the deep connection we could be having with our teen.

  1. When our kids ask us for something, are we “too busy” in the moment and fail to circle back to help them at a better time?
  2. Do we set specific times on a regular basis to have special one-on-one time to do things that we both enjoy? And then do it?
  3. Do you have “talk” time or are you always rushing to the next activity with a list of “Did you do your_____ (homework or chores)?”
  4. Do you encourage interaction with other adults, especially with Grandma and Grandpa, so that relationships develop and a sense of family becomes important?
  5. Are we willing to do hard things ourselves, like put away the phone or give up something else, so that we can model relationships for our kids?
  6. Are we willing to step into the situations that are not going as we would like and say, “Honey, I would like you to put away the phone right now so we can enjoy each other, grandma, or whoever else is in the room.”?
  7. Are we willing to have the tough conversations before and after a situation so that our kids will learn what relationship is all about?

1 Timothy 4:12

Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.

Romans 12:1

I appeal to you therefore, brothers/sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

Dear Heavenly Father,

So many times I fail in my own actions and model behavior that will one day be passed to yet another generation. Lord, help me to not only think through my own convictions but to live them out for my children. Help me to be brave and walk into what might be conflict over things like phones, computers, gaming systems, friends, and other things so that I can teach my kids the art of true relationships.

Lord, I also pray that my relationship with you will become deeper and stronger as I choose to live my life for you. Help me to be a parent who engages with her children in a way that will bring you glory and honor.

In the precious name of Jesus, Amen.

Dare you to think about ways you can more deeply connect with your teen and teach them about true relationships.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Teaching teens the importance of relationship is so very difficult in a technology driven world.  If you would like to connect more deeply with your teen, why not grab a copy of With All Due Respect and join us in our on-line eCourse?  I’ll be joining you in a community of christian women who want to take their relationships with their kids to the next level.  Hope to see you there!

 

 

Are You Emotionally Connected to Your Teen?

/0 Comments/in , , , , /by

As I talk to a lot of moms of teens and ask about their kids, I typically hear about the struggles to achieve. Whether it be tryouts for a sports team, a certain score on an AP exam, practicing for a musical showcase, or getting into the college of choice, society places a lot of pressure on our kids to be the best. And, if truth be told, sometimes it is us as parents adding to the stress. Competition is stiff and as our kids move toward high school graduation, the stakes seem to be getting higher. After all, most kids are competing for those limited scholarship opportunities that we think our kids deserve.

Yet, what I’m finding interesting as my kids have moved to become 20 and 30 somethings, is that a lot of those kids who pushed so hard to achieve end up losing in the end. When the competition becomes overwhelming, or stress of exams becomes too much, and even the pressure on the job seems formidable, they don’t know how to handle the feeling of ‘not measuring up’. They don’t know how to objectively look at a situation and know if it is good for them.

I know that competition can be a good thing and high achievement is good for our society. Helping our kids to become independent and launch is what we should all be striving toward as parents. However, if we forget the connection part during the teen years, we’re setting our kids up for a lonely existence and the inability to assess their emotional needs in high pressure situations.

I grew up in a family where emotions weren’t allowed. Tears meant I was a crybaby. Emotion meant that I wasn’t tough enough. Feelings were to be stuffed or people wouldn’t want to be around me. And jokes or silliness were instinctively inserted to take away the knot in the pit of my stomach.

Avoiding anything emotional was the game that was played–not out of insensitivity but because it wasn’t in my parent’s vocabulary. Dealing with emotion hadn’t been passed down from their parents.

However, we are emotional beings. God wired our brains with both the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala so that we can think and feel. Connection comes from the feeling part of our brain. And it is possible to under-develop the emotional part of our brains so that we stifle our growth toward healthy connection.

Thankfully, what I have discovered is that emotional connection can be learned. While it might feel foreign and uncomfortable at first and, like my experience, you might have to consciously think through the next step, the benefits for both us and our kids can be game changers when it comes to connection in the relationship.

If you are like me and didn’t learn to deal with emotion as a child, you are probably stifling the emotional connection with your own kids. Here are some ways to recover what has been lost as you forge ahead toward becoming more emotionally healthy creating more meaningful connection with your own kids.

  1. Learn to notice your kids when they are stressed out. What attitudes, behaviors, or reactions do they exhibit? If you see moodiness, anger, withdrawal, or complaining, ask them to put words to what they are feeling. Be available to listen without judgment or telling them “you shouldn’t feel that way.”
  2. Learn to notice when you are stressed out.  What are you exhibiting? Name it. And when your teens challenge you by saying something like, “Why are you in such a bad mood?”, be honest with them. Let them know if you are feeling angry, sad, or upset and the “why” within reason.
  3. Comfort yourself. When you find yourself stressed out, allow yourself to feel it, name it, and normalize it. Give yourself a physical hug and let yourself know that you have a right to feel what you feel. Then ask yourself what you need.
  4. Comfort your kids. Physical touch, hugs, and soothing words go a long way in helping our teens know that even in the middle of what feels like disaster they will be okay. Say something like, “You seem to be really upset right now, would you like to tell me about it?” If they say “yes”, listen and validate their feelings. Ask them what they need from you.  If they say “no”, respect their decision and let them know that you are available to listen when they are ready.

Psalm 23: 1-6

The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.  He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.  Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.  Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Learning to connect emotionally with our kids is like being Jesus with skin on. Even though they are walking through an emotional valley, we have the ability to comfort them through our tenderness, our touch, and validating words so they have the desire to pick themselves up and move forward.

By doing the same for ourselves and validating our own feelings, we are modeling healthy maturity in what life can be like when the chips are down and we ourselves become overwhelmed. This is showing our kids what healthy adulthood can look like.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Do you wish you knew more skills to emotionally connect with your teen?  Why not start a group with other moms to learn how.  With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens & Tweens is a great place to start.  If you can’t find a group, feel free to join our on-line eCourse where you will find daily encouragement and can interact with other moms in the same place in the parenting journey.

Another opportunity I’d like to share is our Deflating Defensiveness Training Retreat in Milford, Ohio that will be held June 27-30.  There you will interact with moms who are brave enough to try out the skills in person in a safe environment.  You’ll see behaviors taught, modeled, and you’ll have opportunity to practice.  You’ll walk away with a new perspective on what relationships can be in your home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5 Actions to Take When You Can’t Believe Who Your Kids Are Hanging Out With!

/0 Comments/in , , , , , , , , /by

It’s tough as a parent when our kids choose to hang out with what we might refer to as “unsavory” characters.  Whether it is the need to feel included or a desire to test the waters of independence, most kids are more likely than not to choose friends that are not necessarily a good influence on them at some point in their teen years.  I’ll admit there have been times I’ve not wanted my kids to hang out with other “church kids” for fear that the behaviors I saw would influence my teen’s character.  After all, research says that you become the average of the five people with whom you hang out.

Oh my, what a scary thought!

So how do we handle these situations?  Do we lay down the law or move heaven and earth to keep them away from each other?

And, of course, the answer depends on your particular situation. 

I’ve known parents who were in such dire situations with their kid that they chose to move the entire family in order to push the reset button hoping for a new start.  By all means, if this is your circumstance, I would encourage you to seek wisdom and counsel from professionals as you move forward to save your teen.  As you make this difficult decision, know that it will have a huge effect on all of you as a family.  I would know.  We made that decision at one point in our teen’s life.

But what about the other times when  fear creeps in?  How do we interact with our child knowing he is not hanging out with kids who are embracing the same character qualities we want to see in our teen?

  1. Resist the urge to always say “no” even though everything in your brain is seeing danger.  Our kids are wired to push back as they enter the tween  and teen years.  The last thing we want to do is set our relationship up to be antagonistic.
  2. Be welcoming.  When your kid wants to “hang out” with the friend, create a warm inviting atmosphere in your own home where the kids can hang out.  Encourage them to meet on “your turf” and provide opportunities for you to drop in on them.  Not many kids can resist warm cookies or a mug of hot chocolate.  This is your opportunity to share the love of Christ.
  3. Have positive conversations with your teen about their friend.  I know this seems difficult to do when you are so opposed to their choice, but hang with me here.  Ask questions and listen.  
    1. Why is this friendship so important to your child?  
    2. What is it about this person that your teen really likes?
    3. Let your child see that you agree with their analysis of their friend wherever possible.
    4. Then, as situations randomly arise, continue to ask questions.  What do you think (friend) would think/react in this situation?
    5. Share stories about your friendships and what you’ve learned over the years.
  4. Once you’ve created safety over time with your teen, begin to offer a comparison to their friend’s values versus your family values in a non-threatening way.
  5. Encourage your child to broaden their friendships to include kids with similar family values.

One of my kids always liked to push the envelope by hanging with people who were  directly opposite to our family’s value system.  I’ve found myself squeezed to the point of learning to love like Jesus loved even though it didn’t come naturally and it took everything in my power to choose that path to have a relationship with my child.

Sometimes as parents we need to be the role model for our kids to show them that Jesus hung out with sinners with purpose and intent.  Because of my teen’s choices I’ve been forced to love people who have chosen transgender lifestyles, homosexuality, a life of theft, and drug addiction.  These people have been in my home.  Sometimes, by the grace of God, they’ve joined our family at church.  We’ve been able to have spiritual discussions. Know that it was when I felt backed into a corner and knew that God wanted me to show love to my child by accepting her friends, that He began to weave a story that I had to release to Him.   

Mark 2:17

“It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” 

Kids need to be able to figure out on their own how to develop true, meaningful friendships.  And it is much better if they can learn from us while they are under our roof where we can coach them through the process.  Parenting out of fear in these situations can easily drive our kids toward the very people we so desperately want to shield them from.

Dare you to encourage your kids to have healthy relationships that make them better people like Proverbs 27:17 friendship and engage with those of questionable character with purpose and intent of showing them the love of Christ.

Proverbs 27:17

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

Double Dare you to enter the fight for your kid’s life choices in a way that deflates their defensiveness and woos them to good choices.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Navigating our kids’ friendships can be a scary thing.  Our actions as a mom in these fearful moments of parenting can build walls that are difficult to tear down.  That’s why we’ve created our Deflating Defensiveness Training Retreat.  Let us help you reinforce the relationship before the walls go up, or if you are already there, we can help you rebuild the relationship in a way that will help tear the walls down.  If you feel that you are losing your tween, teen, or 20-something, this course if for you!  Conflict abounds as you parent and we can help you navigate it in a way that actually builds a stronger relationship.

If this is you, we hope you will join us May 30-June 3, 2018 near Cincinnati, Ohio.  Join other women who want to learn the skills to create stronger relationships with their kids, their husbands, and other people.  Pricing includes:  4 nights in a private room in a beautiful retreat setting, 10 meals, and interactive training with professional trainers who love the Lord and what to help women grow in their relationship with God and others.  Not only will you have opportunity to learn and practice new skills in an encouraging environment, but you’ll have an opportunity for private reflection as you develop an action plan to help you get started.  

 

 

Will Your Teen’s Christmas be Filled with “FOMO”?

/0 Comments/in , , , , /by

Walking through the mall yesterday I was marveling at the beautiful teen voice that penetrated the massive hallways.  Barely able to walk through the throng of people to see who this incredible girl must be, the music stopped and the next set of performers were beginning their dance moves to a different holiday carol.  The magic of Christmas filled my mind with memories of my own kids participating in holiday performances several years ago.

The parents were no different today than they were when my kids were in middle and high school. Cameras were held high capturing the events.

And I paused wondering how many of those pictures and videos would end up on social media platforms.

It’s natural to want to share to the world our children’s success.  Facebook and Instagram make it easy to share pictures with Grandma who is hundreds of miles away.  It’s a way to help her feel connected to her loved ones.

Yet, as we go into the Christmas season,  I hope you’ll stay with me for a moment as I share some results from recent studies reported by CNN, KQED, and The Guardian that have come from countries such as UK, Denmark, and Germany.  

  • We dare to compare and so do our kids.  All the success we see on the social media platforms says “we aren’t measuring up” or “our kid isn’t measuring up” which can instill envy-inducing incidents.  Teens who are on social media on a regular basis are three times as likely to get depressed around the holiday season because they are comparing themselves to others and envy becomes a constant struggle.
  • Our kids feel a sense of “FOMO” — the fear of missing out.  In addition to a feeling of missing out,  Instagram in particular was shown to have a negative affect on sleep patterns and body image as well.  Snapchat, too, seems to rank a close second to Instagram in negative impact on the mental health of our teens.
  • People who took a break from social media for a week felt less sad and lonely. 

Let’s face it.  When our kids were younger they could be content because they didn’t know what they were missing out on.  Now that they can see what everyone else is doing with the touch of a screen, they are developing an over-desire to be like their friends and have what their friends seem to have.  Teens can turn a simple picture they receive into an idea of something that they can’t live without.  And because our teens have been sheltered from disappointment they aren’t just disappointed when they see their friends together smiling and having a good time, they tend to be devastated.

And here’s where the sad news becomes a problem for us as parents.  When teens have an infatuation for something they think they need, they fixate on it to the point that they are willing to become someone different to achieve it.  In other words “Instead of enjoying what they have, they obsess over what they think they might be losing out on and seek to get it no matter what the cost.”

So here are some things to consider as you are going into the holiday season:

  1. Be proactive and talk about the problems with social media.  Let them know that social media fills a void.  What void is your teen trying to fill?  As a parent, try to understand what that is for each of your children.
  2. Let your kids know they can talk to you when they are going through “FOMO”.  During those times take time to listen and commiserate with them. 
  3. Take a family break from social media.  Yes, Mom and Dad as well.  Even if it is just around the table playing board games, take time where you are all fully engaged.

We live in a digital world and taking the stance that our kids can’t have access to it could become devastating to their social interaction; however, as parents, we can put limitations on it in a way that says that social media has its place in moderation.  In fact, one study pointed out that YouTube is one of the few platforms that seems to have a positive affect on our teen’s mental health.  

Ecclesiastes 4:4

And I saw that all toil and all achievement spring from one person’s envy of another. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

John 10:14; 27

I am the good shepherd:  I know my sheep and my sheep know me…My sheep listen to my voice; I know them and they follow me.

Dare you to pray and listen to His voice as you decide how to handle social media with your tweens and teens during the Christmas season.  Be sure to have discussions about the pitfalls of envy and the fear of missing out.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Want to learn how to keep conflict to a minimum with your teens and tweens?  Tired of the mouthiness and fear of what the future may hold for your child?

Register now and join other women who want to learn how to Deflate Defensiveness in their relationships!  We’re professional trainers who want to help women improve their relationships and we’ll give you the skills to do it.  Join us in the suburbs of Cincinnati, Ohio in June.  And be sure to register before December 31 to get the greatest savings.