Tag Archive for: I’m tired of the conflict in our home

Are You Still Treating Them Like Kids?

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“Mom, why can’t Dad see things my way?” Tim angrily retorted. “I get so frustrated with him sometimes. I feel like he’s always preaching the same sermon and it’s his way or the highway.”

“Why do you say that?” Mom attempted to help Tim verbalize his anguish hoping to lower his frustration.

“No matter what I do or say, he has an opinion. Everything I start to do is scrutinized by his good boy, bad boy ideology. I doubt that he even remembers what it was like to be 21.”

“You might be right,” she laughed. “I know you’re dealing with a lot right now. It must be hard to be at home for the summer with parents breathing down your neck.”

“You have no idea, Mom. I’ve been away at college living on my own and now Dad is back to treating me like I’m still a little kid.”

In an attempt to validate his feeling, Sheryl replied, “In some ways, Tim, you are right. Your dad sometimes does have a difficult time remembering that you’re an adult. I think he just wishes things could be like they used to be. It hasn’t been easy for any of us to have you living back at home this summer.  It puts you in a position of having to live under our house rules again and it changes the dynamic of what we have while you are at school.  But we’ve all agreed that it is the best thing so you can continue to work nearby.  Look at the bright side.  Next year you’ll have graduated and can be fully out on your own.”  She paused before speaking again, “You know he loves you, don’t you?”

“I know, Mom, but can’t he just keep his mouth shut sometimes and let me figure out life for myself?”

“Tim, your dad isn’t perfect and neither am I. We love you and we’re all in this together. So let’s try to figure out what the real issue is. Why don’t you come up with a list of situations where you feel he has frustrated you and let’s set up a time to talk about them with him? How does that sound?”

“I don’t know, Mom. He’s not usually one to listen to my side of things.”

“I know you can handle this on your own, but how about if I try to “grease the skids”, so to speak, before the conversation?”

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe I can appeal to some of his memories of being 21,” she laughed.

“If you think it will work, I guess I’ll try anything. Thanks, Mom.”

Sometimes as parents with college and sometimes adult kids living in our home it is easy to fall into several communication dangers. We can either “bash” the other parent when opportunity arises because we think our 20-somethings can handle “truth” now that they’re adults or we can communicate to our kids that they should move out if they don’t like their circumstances. At times, the most important thing we can do is validate everyone’s feelings and try to understand the true objective during this season of life–relationship.

Ephesians 4:29

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Dare you to really listen to your adult children’s frustrations and be a bridge to relationships.

Always striving to communicate better with our kids regardless of their age.

“Let go…and let God,”

Curfew or Respect?

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One summer day I remember my college-aged son standing in the garage with my husband and me.  Our son was more than a little miffed with us.  His annoyance stemmed from him wanting to know why he had a curfew when he didn’t have one when he lived on campus.  In his mind it wasn’t fair.  We were treating him like a child even though he was legally an adult. 

My son didn’t like it that we had put boundaries in place, especially when he had freedoms in other areas of his life.  

And as the great debate continued as to why he had to honor our wishes, my husband paused and casually said, “Out of respect.”

Suddenly my son was silent and I’ll admit I had no idea where my husband was going with this conversation.  What does respect have to do with curfew?

“Son, I know that you have freedom at school.  I also know that you are a fine, upstanding young man.  But I’m asking you to honor our curfew and here is why:

  1. This is our home and not a college dorm room.  We operate as a family and there need to be rules.  While living in our house, we ask that you abide by the same rules everyone else operates under.
  2. Your younger siblings are watching you.  They will learn respect from your compliance or disregard for our family rules.
  3. This house belongs to your mother and me.  I work hard and have to get up early.  My sleep, as well as your mother’s, is important to this family and I know this is probably hard for you to understand, but if you are out and not physically here when we go to bed, we don’t sleep as well and it impacts the next day.
  4. I work to pay for your clothing, your food, the car you drive, and your college.  I hope that all these things garner your respect.
  5. There will always be rules.  When you have a career, your boss will have expectations.  Those who are respectful get to keep their jobs.”

There was a long pause.

“Wow, Dad, that makes a lot of sense.  Thanks for explaining it to me.”

I’ll admit that I was shocked at how well that conversation went.  And I learned a valuable lesson as a parent that day. 

We need to help our kids understand that honoring the rules and respecting curfew means that they are respecting themselves, their family, and the families of the kids they would be hanging out with.

More on that in another post.

Proverbs 29:2

When the righteous increase, the people rejoice, but when the wicked rule, the people groan.

While I can’t guarantee that your conversation will go like this one did–and know that it probably won’t depending on your teen’s maturity.  Hopefully it will give you a new way to think about the rules and boundaries you set for your home and the conflict that surfaces as our kids start pushing the limits.

Dare you to think about your rules differently.  How can you connect them to respect?

“Let go…and Let God”,

Looking for other ways to teach your kids respect?  Check out With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with your Teens & Tweens.