Tag Archive for: keeping our kids in church

How Do You Handle Your Teen’s Frustration With People in the Church?

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young music player and band friends have training in home garage

Let’s be honest.  There is no perfect church.  Any time there are people involved human nature will play out and conflicting opinions will surface.  Part of life for us as parents is to navigate those difficult waters with our kids so that it doesn’t trample their desire to be part of the church and to follow Christ.

I love what Benjamin L. Corey says in his blog, “The Church of all places should look like Jesus!“

Wouldn’t it be awesome if the church was filled with authentic people who were others  focused and conflict was worked through and resolved.  Truth is that everyone we come in contact with is on a journey and not everyone is at the same place of maturity in their faith.

So what do we do as parents when problems arise for our teens and they are hurt by people in the church?

Shaunti Feldhaun’s research in For Parents Only says that teens tend to stop talking because parents don’t listen. They want to feel heard.

It is only natural when we as parents feel strongly about our Faith that we would want to defend our decision as parents to attend a particular church.  After all, we want our kids to not only take on our faith and live it out in their lives but we also want them to see the value in being part of a church body.  All too often parents tend to freak out because of the emotion involved when our kids decide they don’t want to attend church any more which can turn the situation into a downward spiral.

When your kid tells you they no longer want to go to youth group or they don’t want to go to church anymore, take the time to listen and understand.  Don’t dish out judgment, condemnation, or threats.

LISTEN and problem solve. 

Here’s some suggestions:

  • Listen with ears to understand. Watch your body language and tone in the conversation.
  • Ask probing questions that lead to further understanding.
  • Once you’ve identified what you think the problem is, ask your child for time to look into it further and seek information from other trusted adults.
  • Don’t panic. What was a problem one week might totally blow away by the next week.  If it persists, continue investigating.
  • Know that sometimes a persistent problem may have been going on for some time and your child is just now telling you about it. Be aware that the wounds from the offense might be deeper than you think.
  • Be honest with your child about your concern that a situation could taint his view of God and the church.  Talk about it.
  • Work out a win-win for your child and you. Offer up options to solve the problem and try to do so, but know that in the end the goal is to make sure your child knows that you are on their team.

Several years ago one of my kids signed up to play keyboard on a rotating youth worship team.  He was so excited.  As a freshman, he would be playing with a group of mostly juniors and seniors who had been leading worship for several years.  I knew the kids and their parents.  They were awesome kids so I thought it would be a great experience for him.

I also had met the adult leader who had responsibility for the group.  She loved music and she loved the kids.  Another big plus and reason to believe it was a perfect situation.

His excitement was high initially.  Even though the youth group had a keyboard, it was marginal at best.  My husband went out and bought a case for my son’s keyboard so that he could be more successful.  We ended up hauling it back and forth for practices and Sunday worship—a huge commitment on our part.

About five months into the experience I sensed something might be going on.  I would cart my son and the keyboard to practice and sit in the parking lot only to find out that practice had been rescheduled but my son hadn’t been notified.  About a month later, my son started complaining that he didn’t think the other kids liked him.  Soon after he had not only quit the team but refused to go back to youth group.

What I discovered was that the older kids were leading the band.  The adult leader saw her job as supervisor only to make sure the kids didn’t do something stupid while they were in the building and to make sure they had a set list put together for Sunday morning.  She didn’t involve herself in the practice at all.  She was strictly in the building.

These kids didn’t have the experience of working with a keyboard player nor were they quite mature enough to lead a group of varying instruments.  I knew my son had the skill set to play well.  I heard him when he practiced regularly at home.  However, the kids didn’t realize that it is much more difficult to change keys for voice range on a keyboard than it was on a guitar.  So when they were giving my son the music, he was playing it in the key that it was written while the guitar players were using their capos to play it in the key they wanted.

The teen leader’s solution was to turn off the keyboard from the sound booth on Sunday morning.  This left my son frustrated because he didn’t understand the problem.  No one was invested enough in what was going on to try to hear the issue, let alone solve it.  My son’s solution was to leave the youth group because he felt excluded and humiliated.

After trying to fully understand the issue, I realized that it truly wasn’t anyone’s  malicious intent to exclude my son.  They were each trying to do the best they knew how in having teens lead in their sphere of influence.  My son’s feelings were a result of insufficiently skilled people doing the best they could do given what they knew.

Was my son hurt?  Absolutely!  Was my son justified in wanting to quit the team?  Absolutely!  Did I try to explain what was really happening and how sorry I was that he had been hurt?  You bet!

After a year of sitting in the main church service with us, I asked my son if he would be interested in trying the youth group again.  I even agreed to volunteer to work with the youth for the year if he wanted me to.  He said ‘yes’.

Luckily the next two years were a success for him.  He even played on the worship team that was now under the direction of someone who understood and worked the music issues.

As parents, our job is not to defend the church, but to defend our kids.  For that, we need to listen and help solve the problems or at least give them context for the imperfection of other humans.  The only way our kids will stay involved in the church as they mature is if the can come to realize that the church isn’t perfect but the benefits outweigh the difficulties.

“Let go…and let God”,

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Sign up for our on-line eCourse which starts September 26, 2016.  You’ll have an opportunity to go through the new book With All Due Respect:40 days to a more fulfilling relationship with your teens and tweens with me and a group of moms just like yourself.  Learn and interact while gaining new communication skills. Be sure to get in on the discounted price while it lasts.  I’ll be available for personal interaction in the class.  Hope you’ll join me.  Click here for more information.

Do Your Teens Have Adult Community?

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Young man consulting his business partner at meeting in office

Did you know that teenagers who seem to have the best success moving into healthy adulthood have a “community” of adults walking beside them?

The first place to look for that community is obviously at home.  Are both you and your spouse invested in your children in a positive way—daily? If not, find ways to connect on a relational level and not just a transactional level.  In other words, talk about something that is important to your child.  Don’t just focus on what he needs to do.

The next thing to consider is extended family.  Are grandparents and maybe some aunts, uncles, and cousins engaged enough to add to the spiritual connection aspect with your kids?  Extended family helps most kids figure out who they are, where they belong, and is an essential piece in helping our tweens and teens understand the bigger picture.

However, let’s face it, with the transient nature of our world today, it’s not the norm for extended family to live in close proximity.  If your family is like ours, we’re scattered from one coast to the other and even across the Atlantic.  Family get-togethers are next to impossible.  Cousins see each other at weddings and barely know the other. Aunts and uncles sometimes have only bits and pieces of information about our kids.  Our kids are not truly known by the family.

That’s why community is so important.  We need to help our kids connect to people who can impact their lives in a positive way.  They need to have relationship with people that have similar values to your own.

I love what Reggie Joiner and Carey Nieuwhof say in their book, Parenting Beyond Your Capacity. “When you widen your circle, the goal is to have other trusted adults in the lives of your children before they need them so they will be there when they need them.

Think about that.  What Joiner and Nieuwhof are really saying is that those relationships need to be forged now while your kids are still under your roof.

We’re not talking about acquaintances here.  We’re talking about people who are willing to pour into your kids, affirming them, giving them sound advice, and building trust.  These are people who are actively choosing to connect with your teens.

If these people are in place early in our kid’s lives, then when trouble brews (and it most likely will), and your kids don’t feel as though they can come to you, there is someone who can be there for them pointing them in the right direction.

Here’s a statistic for you–  

Mark Kelly from LifeWay Christian Resources says “Teens who had at least one adult from church make a significant time investment in their lives…were more likely to keep attending church. Of those who stayed in church—by a margin of 46 to 28 percent—said five or more adults at church had invested time with them personally and spiritually.”

That means we need to help our kids find meaningful relationships in the church—and lots of them.

So where do we start?

Create community with those who live near you and have similar values.

I didn’t realize the significance of that community until my son’s graduation party several years ago. 

The whirlwind day had been planned and the only thing left was execution—or so I thought.  As we hurried out of church to start the setup before guests arrived, I saw my son walk up to a man and shake his hand.  “I’m looking forward to seeing you this afternoon at my graduation party.”

Shocked beyond belief and feeling like I wanted to hide under a rock, it hit me that I had obviously left someone important to my son off the guest list. Somehow I managed to pull myself together enough to apologize profusely and invited the man and his wife to our home for the celebration.  In the car on our way home my son rattled off his list of memories with this important man in his life.  I was absolutely amazed at the depth of their relationship.

Even though my son has graduated from college and been out on his own for several years now, he has maintained a relationship with this dear man—and to think that as a mother I had no idea as to the significance of their connection. 

What I discovered was that this man had impacted my son from AWANA and continued connecting with him regularly—just to say “hi” and ask him what he was doing in his life.  He made my son feel important and significant.

What more could a mom want for her child?

So how do you build that community? 

  • Encourage your kids to participate in activities that will naturally breed relationship. I mentioned AWANA which is a fun kid’s program that focuses on scripture memory, but good youth programs or retreats will do the same thing.  Find a program where the leaders want to be there and love kids.  Make sure your kids are encouraged by the adult leaders and that relationship is built one-on-one.
  • Find families with similar age kids and create your own community. Have a cookout, go camping together, find ways to engage the families such that the adults get to know the kids and are willing to pour into them.  Create activities where your kids will be known by the other adults.
  • Become friends with parents who are further along in the parenting process. Empty-nesters are a great place to connect.  Not only do they have time to pour into your kids but they have the experience to help you navigate the bumps in the road when things get difficult.  Treasure these people like pure gold.

My oldest had one of those ‘pure gold’ people in his life.  This gentleman met with my son weekly over coffee from the time my son was 16.  Not only would they meet at my son’s favorite place, but I’d frequently see them together in the hallway at church on Sunday morning.  On occasion, after my son had given him permission, I would get a call from this dear soul asking to pray with me about a particular situation my son had shared with him. 

Wow!  Talk about connection.

There was a time in my son’s life when he was contemplating some heavy decisions about his then upcoming marriage.  Yes, my son spoke to both my husband and me about what he was wrestling with, but his first thought was to go to this beloved mentor.  I thank God for this awesome man who has so touched our family.

Whether we want to believe it or not, our teens don’t want to tell us everything.  They need people who will pour into them and bridge the gap just like this ‘pure gold’ man did for us.

Dare You to start looking for adults outside the family to create connection for your teens.  I guarantee it will be worth the time invested!

“Let go…and let God”,

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The book is out!  If you want a more fulfilling and deeper connection with your tweens and teens, With All Due Respect can help you pave the way.  Or sign up for our free Parenting Tips! here.

We’re also excited to announce that you can pre-register for our With All Due Respect eCourse that begins mid-September!  Check it out here.  We’d love to have you join us as we learn in community. 🙂