Tag Archive for: letting go

Seizing the Moment

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Sweet chip cookies with dry cranberry,selective focus

Sitting in my kitchen drinking my morning tea, I had my to-do list in hand. All those things I didn’t get done last week!!

If you are like me, sometimes I obsess over what hasn’t gotten accomplished. Life is good when things are being removed from my to-do list. It’s finished…time to celebrate by marking it off the list!! When nothing leaves the list…it obviously was a bad week…or is it?

As I started thinking about all the things that had gotten in the way of a successful week, I felt God’s gentle nudge.

“Debbie, success in your eyes is getting THINGS done. Think back to what happened last week. Was it really a bad week? Would you want to trade the time you would have spent doing something on this list over what you did?”

Hmm…

In my mind, the replay of my week began.

My son had text me the night before he was to come home from college for fall break. “Mom, would you mind coming to get me? I don’t think I need to be driving home. I’m sore from getting hurt in a basketball game and don’t think it would be wise for me to be on the road.”

Luckily, I had looked at the situation as a sign of maturity rather than in light of my to-do list. My 19 year old had put enough forethought into the fact that he shouldn’t be driving because of his pain!! Of course I went to go get him!

It cost me six hours of driving time over a four day period, but it was time that we spent together…talking and catching up on each other’s world. It eased us back into the “back to normal” relationship we had before he left for school. I wouldn’t have traded it for a moment!

So what else did I do? I took my son to a couple of doctors since he didn’t have his car home to drive himself. We talked, we spent time together laughing, joking, and talking about how walking into one of the doctor’s offices was like going to visit family! It wasn’t a burden…it was good!!

We even had lunch at his favorite restaurant.

The joy I saw on his face while he was eating his favorite meals I had taken time to fix, made my time well spent. We laughed about how tired he was with the cafeteria food on campus and the only pizza place in the small college town wasn’t a national chain. It was good to watch how he was learning to appreciate the small things in life…even my cooking!

Then there was worship together on Sunday morning and the discussion of the sermon on the ride home of how he could implement it in his own life. We talked about churches he had visited near the college campus. Wow, he’s starting to think so much more deeply having been on his own for less than three months. One of life’s joys!

Yes, he asked if I would do his laundry…and I did (not grudgingly because I knew the pain he was in). As I pulled out what I thought would be a mountain of stinky stained college kid shirts that had probably shrunk from being in too hot of a dryer and sheets that had probably been on the bed since he left, I was amazed to see that it wasn’t at all what I expected! He had obviously learned the secret of washing clothes that would even make his grandmother proud. An opportunity to affirm his movement into self-sufficiency and give him kudos for a job well done!

Then I remembered the “cookie request”.

“Mom, it sure would be great if you could make another batch of cookies for the guys in the dorm.”

How could I turn that down?

His roommate had even jumped on Skype with us one night about a month ago thanking me for the best cookies ever. So with a heart of joy and contentment, I made a batch of cookies for him to take back to his new friends…my gift of love.

While the thought of the week made me smile, laughing that I had thought that my unaccomplished tasks on my to-do list were more important, a wave of sadness also surrounded me.

Why had I not taken those opportunities with all my kids?

What was so important that it couldn’t have waited?

I rejoiced that I had finally learned to live in the moment rather than thinking about all those things not done…but how many opportunities had I squandered? How many times have I forfeited relationship with my kids for THINGS on my to-do list?

I had no idea what that text to go get my son from college would teach me. But I’m learning…

Psalm 46:10

“Be still and know that I am God”

As our children get older there will be less time to connect. Seize every opportunity and be in the moment when they desire our time and service. Be still…listen to their desires and dreams…fill their cups to overflowing with your love…that way, they’ll want to come back for more.

Respect the fact that they are becoming adults but sometimes still want to just enjoy having mom or dad be there for them.

DARE YOU to respond to a reasonable request of your time from your tween, teen, or twenty-something without listing all the things you won’t get done because you are being there for them.

DOUBLE DARE YOU to initiate some time to take your kid out for some one-on-one time at their favorite restaurant or ice cream place talking about their world.

Hoping to re-establish patterns to live in the moment!

“Let Go… and Let God”,

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Dare 4 – The Respect Dare – The Vision

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Now that I’m officially established in my role as a mother of 20-somethings, I’m finding myself listening more intently to other parents’ comments about interactions with their adult children. As I process what they are saying, it makes me think about how I might be coming across to my own kids.

I thought I’d share a couple of dialogues as we talk about visioning because we can learn a lot from others’ success and failure. If it works for them, it might work for us. If it “ain’t workin” for them, why try it?

Here’s one that I had to laugh about!
Obviously, names have been changed to protect those who were complaining.

“He knew I wanted the grandkids this weekend!” Kelly responded, obviously miffed.

“What happened?”

“He’s mad and won’t let me have them this weekend. He said I’m getting too possessive of his kids! Of course I’m possessive! They’re my grandchildren!”

“What triggered him saying that?”

“Oh, I got upset with him for taking the kids to see Marla’s parents on a weekend that I was supposed to have them.”

“Well, isn’t it good that the kids got to spend time with their other grandparents?”

“Yeah, but does it have to be on my weekend? Ron and Marla know that I get the kids every other weekend when I’m not working. I can’t believe that he thinks he can just decide which weekends I don’t get them!”

Hopefully, you all are laughing saying “what is she thinking”! Obviously…she isn’t.

Here’s a contrast of a different interaction.

“Tonya, I know that you know how I feel about your decision. You can’t have lived under our roof for 18 years without knowing the values that your dad and I have tried to teach you. But, you are an adult at 20. I recognize that it is your choice and not mine, but I want you to know that I think this is a decision you will later regret. Regardless of the decision you make, your father and I will still love you. I will be praying that you will change your mind because that’s my job as a mother, but again, it is your decision.”

“Mom, thanks for recognizing that it is my decision. I know this is hard for you, but I think it is the right choice for me.”

((HUGS)) happened here.

Is either scenario a reflection of you?

James 1:23-25

Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.

I don’t know about you, but I want to be a doer of the Word. I want my reflection as a parent to give freedom. I want to be blessed in what I do. I want to be mom in the second story…the best “launching” mom on the planet!

So I decided to take Nina’s Dare and apply it to me as a parent!

Remember, this is where I want to be…not where I am. I’m creating a vision for how I want to parent my 20-somethings!

I am a woman who has the strength to recognize that her “babies” are now adults. I continue to share my wisdom, but I will do it like I would to my best friend, asking permission but recognizing that some decisions are not in my control. No matter what challenging circumstances come my way, I will respectfully allow my children to make their own choices and work through their own consequences, leaving them in God’s capable hands. I have peace recognizing that each of my children is on the journey that God has for them in this stage of their life. My phone will ring often because my adult children will want to have relationship with me. They will come to me for wisdom or just to talk. They see me as a friend who knows them well. I will use this time with children out of the house, to rekindle the sparks in my relationship with my spouse. As I walk in this new phase of parenting, I will find my identity in how I am to spend my additional time by seeking God daily relying on Him for encouragement, wisdom, and happiness.

Dare you to write your own vision for this phase of life.

Double dare you to share it by posting it on my blog.

Walking the journey with you!

“Let go…and let God”,

Debbie

Be sure to follow other bloggers as we go through Nina Roesner’s book The Respect Dare. You’ll find Leah blogging to wives with young kids and Nina blogging about marriage. We’re only on Dare 4, so if you are just joining us, it won’t take long to catch up. Join us on our 40 week journey!


Go For the Wall

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On the way home, 12 year old Matt looked at me and said, “Mom, I don’t want to swim this summer! I’m done!”

“Matt, you’ve always loved swimming! You’ve broken several meet records. Your coach says you have the ability to make it to the top. Why would you give that up?”

“It’s boring. I just don’t want to do it anymore.”

“Matt, remember that swim meet where you were in the lead and then ended up in fourth place? Remember? What did the coach tell you?”

“I know, Mom. Go for the wall and don’t look side to side,” he mumbled.

“Is that what you are doing? Are you going for the wall or looking side to side here? The coach keeps telling you you’re one of the best. We all see it. Why would you give that up?

The volume of Matt’s voice filled the car.

“This isn’t about looking at anything but me, Mom! It’s about me! I spend every day after school in the water and then the weekends are taken up with swim meets. I’ve done it for five years! I want to do something different! You can’t make me keep doing this! I’m quitting!!”

As a parent, these moments make me cringe. I want success for my child.

I want him to find something where he can excel!

 I like the camaraderie of the team.

 I love to watch when my child is at the top!

 My job is to make sure he stays in the game.

Or is it?

 “Of course, you aren’t quitting the swim team, son! We’ve invested a lot of money into this and you have potential for a college scholarship! Your coach has told us we would be crazy to let you quit now! No way should you be thinking of quitting,” his dad lectured. “Here’s what we’ll do. I know that practice starts at 6:30 in the morning this summer. I’ll go with you. We’ll take a thermos of hot chocolate. We’ll do it together son.”

The chilly summer mornings continued. Day after day Matt and Dave got up early to go to practice. Each morning Matt came home looking miserable.

 I shared what was going on with my friends from the team.

 “Of course you can’t let him quit. He’s a critical member of the team.”

“I wish my son had Matt’s talent. You would be stupid to let him quit.”

 And the comments were the same everywhere I turned.

 As I spent time alone with God, I sensed Him saying. “What is the goal, Debbie? Is getting a free ride to college more important than your relationship with Matt? Why do you want him to continue to swim when he doesn’t want to? Is this about what others are telling you is best for Matt? Are your plans for him more important than mine?”

 Colossians 3:23-24

Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord, rather than for men, know that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It Is Christ whom you serve.

As I contemplated the questions that were spinning in my head, I felt a peace that it was time to let the swim team go. Guess I needed to talk to Dave. I needed his buy-in to the decision. “Lord, if this is the right decision, give me your words to change his mind.”

 “Dave, I know that you would like Matt to continue swimming. So would I. But I think we should look at the big picture. You know how you always told Matt to go for the wall and not look side to side? What is the wall? Is it a scholarship or a good relationship with Matt that will last a lifetime?”

 “I think I have been looking side to side too much,” I continued. I’ve been asking everyone else’s opinion rather than figuring out what the real wall is. Would you do me a favor and spend some time asking God what the goal is and then let’s talk?”

 “Debbie, we don’t need to talk. I’ve been praying every morning while Matt is in the water. He’s lost his enthusiasm. I’m almost more worried for you that he needs to quit, than I am for him. These swim moms have become your friends. He’s ready to disengage. You’re the one who needs to be ready to grieve the loss. Are you ready?”

BOTTOM LINE: There are a lot of good activities to be involved in, but are they ones that will help us reach the ultimate goal of relationship that will last a lifetime. Go for the wall, His wall, and don’t look side to sideJ

 DARE YOU to see if there are activities you tweens and teens are involved in that they are only pursuing because of your desires.

 DOUBLE DARE you to cultivate a time to listen to your tweens and teens. Are you giving them choices to make their own decisions on whether they’re still passionate about their activities?

 Learning that I sometimes need to give up my desires for my tweens and teens.

“Let go…and let God.”

 Debbie


Lost in the Shuffle

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I admit it. I’ve let myself get lost in the shuffle. Me…the parent!

Several years ago, God called me to write and walk beside other people who were doing this thing called parenting with tweens, teens, and twenty-somethings. When the timing was right, (i.e. kids were leaving the nest), I knew I’d have more time…finally…to do what God created me to do.

I put together my blog site…and I began writing. Slowly at first, but I started.

“Hey God, I’m doing what you told me to do!”

Excitement and energy welled up within me. I knew where I was heading and had lots of people rallying around me giving me momentum.

Then it happened. Life got in the way…actually, parenting got in the way.

You may be asking the question. “What? Aren’t your kids practically grown? At least they are all legal adults at this point!”

“Yes, but I’ve let their lives get in the way of doing what God has called me to do.

I actually realized today that it has been a year since I last posted. A sigh of sadness overwhelmed me. Yeah, I’ve been doing all the stuff I’m supposed to do…being a parent; but somewhere along the way, I’ve forgotten that God called me to do more than just parent.

When the kids are young, we pour our lives into them and somehow we’re all entwined. As they get older, they’re doing more on their own and for themselves. If we do things right…they grow up and move away.

But what happens when they come back?

I’ll admit, this past year my focus has been on things other than what God has called me to do. Don’t get me wrong…what I’ve been doing is part of my job description…a daughter who has moved back into town, a son who has moved out on his own, an engagement, several funerals, and the biggest time sink…a son who we brought home from college a year ago in massive pain. I’ve spent more time in doctor’s offices than I would even think possible. I’ve driven a son, who was on prescription medication, to and from college classes at the local university. And I’ve spent days in the hospital playing nurse during his spine surgery.

When I look back, I know I’ve done good and honorable things…but, somehow I’ve lost me.

Today a scripture keeps dogging me.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

I admit this past year I’ve just been doing the next thing. Whatever my family brings my way, I set aside my desires and His calling and do what they need. But I need to remember…part of parenting is letting my kids know that sometimes they need to learn to be self-sufficient. Part of parenting is letting your kids know that you need a life too…outside of theirs.

Today something exciting happened…to me! A rejuvenation of who God created me to be. At first it didn’t seem like that big of a deal, but then I realized it was! I had an opportunity to talk about parenting during the teen and young adult years on www.Today.Com.

And I was rejuvenated! I realized my passion again! And He showed me that I wasn’t doing what He called me to do. I had lost track of that. I need to put God first…not my kids. Yes, I need to create time for them, but as they grow older I need them to learn to not only depend on Him, but also expand their horizons with others who can meet their needs.

So here you have it…my commitment…to start blogging at least every Monday…and then two days a week…and then three. I want to walk beside you through the tough years of parenting.

Bottom line: Don’t forget yourself during the days of parenting. God has plans for your life. Don’t get lost in the shuffle.

Learning to live the life He calls me to lead.

“Let go and let God…”

Debbie