Tag Archive for: letting go of our kids

Seizing the Moment

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Sweet chip cookies with dry cranberry,selective focus

Sitting in my kitchen drinking my morning tea, I had my to-do list in hand. All those things I didn’t get done last week!!

If you are like me, sometimes I obsess over what hasn’t gotten accomplished. Life is good when things are being removed from my to-do list. It’s finished…time to celebrate by marking it off the list!! When nothing leaves the list…it obviously was a bad week…or is it?

As I started thinking about all the things that had gotten in the way of a successful week, I felt God’s gentle nudge.

“Debbie, success in your eyes is getting THINGS done. Think back to what happened last week. Was it really a bad week? Would you want to trade the time you would have spent doing something on this list over what you did?”

Hmm…

In my mind, the replay of my week began.

My son had text me the night before he was to come home from college for fall break. “Mom, would you mind coming to get me? I don’t think I need to be driving home. I’m sore from getting hurt in a basketball game and don’t think it would be wise for me to be on the road.”

Luckily, I had looked at the situation as a sign of maturity rather than in light of my to-do list. My 19 year old had put enough forethought into the fact that he shouldn’t be driving because of his pain!! Of course I went to go get him!

It cost me six hours of driving time over a four day period, but it was time that we spent together…talking and catching up on each other’s world. It eased us back into the “back to normal” relationship we had before he left for school. I wouldn’t have traded it for a moment!

So what else did I do? I took my son to a couple of doctors since he didn’t have his car home to drive himself. We talked, we spent time together laughing, joking, and talking about how walking into one of the doctor’s offices was like going to visit family! It wasn’t a burden…it was good!!

We even had lunch at his favorite restaurant.

The joy I saw on his face while he was eating his favorite meals I had taken time to fix, made my time well spent. We laughed about how tired he was with the cafeteria food on campus and the only pizza place in the small college town wasn’t a national chain. It was good to watch how he was learning to appreciate the small things in life…even my cooking!

Then there was worship together on Sunday morning and the discussion of the sermon on the ride home of how he could implement it in his own life. We talked about churches he had visited near the college campus. Wow, he’s starting to think so much more deeply having been on his own for less than three months. One of life’s joys!

Yes, he asked if I would do his laundry…and I did (not grudgingly because I knew the pain he was in). As I pulled out what I thought would be a mountain of stinky stained college kid shirts that had probably shrunk from being in too hot of a dryer and sheets that had probably been on the bed since he left, I was amazed to see that it wasn’t at all what I expected! He had obviously learned the secret of washing clothes that would even make his grandmother proud. An opportunity to affirm his movement into self-sufficiency and give him kudos for a job well done!

Then I remembered the “cookie request”.

“Mom, it sure would be great if you could make another batch of cookies for the guys in the dorm.”

How could I turn that down?

His roommate had even jumped on Skype with us one night about a month ago thanking me for the best cookies ever. So with a heart of joy and contentment, I made a batch of cookies for him to take back to his new friends…my gift of love.

While the thought of the week made me smile, laughing that I had thought that my unaccomplished tasks on my to-do list were more important, a wave of sadness also surrounded me.

Why had I not taken those opportunities with all my kids?

What was so important that it couldn’t have waited?

I rejoiced that I had finally learned to live in the moment rather than thinking about all those things not done…but how many opportunities had I squandered? How many times have I forfeited relationship with my kids for THINGS on my to-do list?

I had no idea what that text to go get my son from college would teach me. But I’m learning…

Psalm 46:10

“Be still and know that I am God”

As our children get older there will be less time to connect. Seize every opportunity and be in the moment when they desire our time and service. Be still…listen to their desires and dreams…fill their cups to overflowing with your love…that way, they’ll want to come back for more.

Respect the fact that they are becoming adults but sometimes still want to just enjoy having mom or dad be there for them.

DARE YOU to respond to a reasonable request of your time from your tween, teen, or twenty-something without listing all the things you won’t get done because you are being there for them.

DOUBLE DARE YOU to initiate some time to take your kid out for some one-on-one time at their favorite restaurant or ice cream place talking about their world.

Hoping to re-establish patterns to live in the moment!

“Let Go… and Let God”,

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Who’s Controlling Your Family?

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Young woman in red dress and man with a glass of wine talking in the cafe or restaurant

Coming home from a 6:00 am men’s group at our church, my husband put his book on the kitchen counter. “Wow! This morning really made me think about how I grew up and the impact moms have on their kid’s lives. They played a video of a Mom’s letter to her son and I felt like they were reading a letter your mother might have written you.”

He certainly had my attention.

Drying my hands on the dishtowel, I knew I wanted to hear more. For my husband to come home that excited about something was an anomaly. He was obviously having an A-ha moment of better understanding our family tree. After 34 years of marriage, four children, and over two decades of parenting blunders, he was beginning to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

“The letter was unbelievable!” he continued. “The mom was obviously pulling out her arsenal of threats to get what she wanted.

Control!

“In the process, she was destroying the relationship with her son and his family. I felt like I was watching a video of our own lives being played out after we got married,” he continued.

Oh my.

As my husband kept sharing the story from class, we began taking stock of our children and our relationships with each of them. We transitioned to talking about what a healthy separation process looked like.

Oh, no!

Daggers to a mother’s heart.

Is there really such a thing as healthy separation?

Many of us grew up with mothers from whom we have never successfully separated. Don’t get me wrong–I’m not saying that having a relationship with your mom or dad is a bad thing. It can be awesome.

But can it be unhealthy?

If you have to choose between Mom and Dad’s advice or your spouse’s desires, do your parents win? Does your family of origin trump your own family’s needs?

Hmm–something to ponder.

As parents we have to figure out how to relinquish control of our kids in a healthy way that will allow them to be men and women of strength and character.

Pausing long enough to take inventory, I was reminded of all the unhealthy things I had done in years previously to convince my family that we needed to honor my parents’ requests.  Or maybe better phrased—demands.

How many times had I felt caught in the middle between my mother and my husband in decisions we made for our kids?  Or my mother and my kids?

And, I’ll admit, sometimes my mom won and my husband lost or grandma won and my kids lost.

Heaven forbid that I disappoint my mother.

Sad, but true.

Ouch.

Several years prior to this conversation with my husband, I had taken a marriage class called Daughters of Sarah. In light of our dialogue, I was now looking at a couple of scriptures from the course in a different light.

Ephesians 5:33b

…And the wife must respect her husband.

 

Matthew 19:5-6

‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?  So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

I wonder if God was potentially thinking about how my mom, dad, or in-laws might get in the way of my husband and me being united in our parenting decisions?

One of my sons had recently married at the time of this conversation with my husband.  I remember well my quiet time that day.

“Lord, please help me not get in the way of my son’s marriage.” I cried out. “Help me to be an encourager–a cheerleader for them to make decisions together without my interference. Help me to allow them to spread their wings—to have their own family that doesn’t feel like I’m a mom butting in to their business.”

“And, please Lord, with the children that are still at home in my care, help me to make decisions on what I think best rather than taking the advice of others.  Help me to put my husband’s suggestions in a higher place of consideration over my mother’s.”

I have started taking that prayer seriously. When my mother starts to chime in about something my kids are doing–my response?

“Mom, I love you dearly, but this is a decision for our immediate family. Be the grandmother and watch from a distance; that’s your role now.”

And if you have married children?

Why not write the couple a letter or note?

  • Tell them how proud you are of both of them.
  • Assure them you will never take sides in their arguments.
  • Explain all you are learning in the parenting process.
  • Let them know that you view both of them as your children.
  • Assure them that you accept their creation of a new family unit–independent from you.
  • Promise that your goal is to make sure that your actions do nothing to come between them.

As parents, we can influence both generations if we are willing to take healthy steps to ensure that each of us is playing our God-ordained role.

DARE YOU to take stock of your relationships with your parents to determine if they are having a healthy impact on your tweens and teens.

DOUBLE DARE YOU to have conversation with your spouse and decide how to let your twenty-somethings go in a healthy way.

Still Learning to do the tough stuff!

“Let go…and let God”,

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In 12 days, you too can start having a more fulfilling relationship with your teens and tweens.  Click here to find out more.