Tag Archive for: my kid is out of control

50 Things I Learned From Raising a Challenging Child

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Emerging into the world our daughter arrived six minutes after I had waddled through the emergency entrance at the hospital doors.  Our family joke was that she was the creator of drama and the day of her birth was the beginning.  She had orderlies, nurses, and doctors frantically hustling for her grand entrance while my husband, Dave, was still parking the car.  We knew that she was special arriving on the infamous 8-8-88 and weighing in at two ounces shy of 8 lbs. 8 oz.

That was the day I came to a whole new appreciation in knowing that God is good.  It just so happened that Dave was supposed to make a four hour drive to Cleveland that morning for a mandatory work event that would have kept him out of town for three days.  Our daughter arrived just shortly after 6 am; my husband was supposed to leave on the trip by 6:30 am.  Indeed, God is very good.

By the time she was three and attending preschool two mornings a week, I had begun to realize that she was indeed a very special child.  One morning I had just dropped her off at her classroom door and was standing in the hallway talking with another mother when the teacher had the children line up single-file to go to the big room for games.  I hid behind a half-open door so my daughter wouldn’t see me.  I watched intently as I saw her tap the little girl ahead of her on the shoulder. She then began to whisper something in the girl’s ear indicating that she was supposed to be in line in front of her.  Sure enough, my daughter got in front, stood still for a moment, and proceeded to tap the little boy in front of her and move into the line in front of him.  As I watched this happen over and over, I knew this child was destined for greatness.  Each child she had tapped and spoken to seemed  oblivious to what had just happened.  She was grinning from ear to ear as she led her classmates down the hall.

By middle school, I saw the beauty and talent this child had within her.  She not only had a stage presence and a beautiful voice, but she had such a tender heart for others.  It was common for mothers whose children were a couple of years younger to call me up to see if our daughter would come play with their kids.  Every time I would hear something like “She is so creative.  When she comes to play my kids don’t get bored.  She is really patient and makes sure to include everyone.”

She also loved to be in the kitchen baking something sweet.  One Sunday morning the youth pastor was telling a story from the pulpit about how no one in his family liked pumpkin pie so he didn’t get a piece for Thanksgiving that year.  When my daughter heard the story, compassion welled up within her.  The next Saturday she spent the day making him his own personal pumpkin pie to surprise him with the next day.

The difficult piece of this seemingly wonderful child was a dark side that we never quite understood.  Given a simple “no” over something seemingly minor became reason for a fit of anger or defiance.  A quiet family afternoon at home could quickly spiral into a “you never” or “you can’t make me”.  Jealousy over things only God can control turned into, “I should have been the first-born. I need a sister.  I wish she was my mother!”  And the list went on.  

At 16 it seemed as if the heat turned up making things even darker.  Phone calls from teachers and other parents became a very real part of my life making me want to crawl into a hole and never come out.  I was trying desperately to find ways of helping this poor child that seemed destined for self-destruction.  Our family felt helpless in reaching her.  Counseling sessions were going nowhere so I did the only thing I knew to do.

I let go.

She moved out of our home at 18 and the path she chose seemed even more vile.  We kept in contact on a regular basis, but her antics kept our family in constant wonder of how to handle each new difficult situation.  We tried a reset of her life a few times, but the efforts would revert to a similar lifestyle breaking our hearts.

As I continued to maintain contact with our daughter, I employed new skills I was learning in an attempt to rebuild our relationship.  It was working.  She seemed more open, wanted to spend more time with me, was able to accept our family’s boundaries, and was beginning to reciprocate when it came to relationship.  She told my husband that I was her best friend.  

I thanked God for his goodness.  

But even through this glimmer of hope which included coming back to our home for a week, the choices she made were deadly.  Our daughter passed away May 30, 2017.  

I am convinced that even though we may not be able to save our children from destructive lifestyles, He uses it for good.  After all, God is good.  God is very good.

Because of my daughter I am changed.

Because of my daughter I know that God is my strength in times of need.

Because of my daughter I have learned to let Him be in control.

 

50 Things I Learned From Raising a Challenging Child

  1. Maybe God gives us these kids to change us.
  2. We may think there are only two sides to a coin, but really there are three. These kids see the rim on the circumference and make us think outside the box.
  3. I am not in control.  Let me repeat, I am not in control.
  4. There is always a different choice that I usually don’t see—this child does see it.
  5. These kids live life to the fullest in a very short period of time. We have to seize some of those moments to be in their world.
  6. These kids teach us to listen, listen, and listen more. As parents, maybe we should try talking less and listening one more time.
  7. These kids teach us that taking risks is part of life, and it shows we have guardian angels watching over us.
  8. These kids teach us to retract our words through apology over and over. They teach us that sometimes apologizing is more important than being right.
  9. These kids teach us to pause before we speak. We learn to gauge our words by their potential outburst response.
  10. These kids teach us to be consistent. One slip of letting them get by with something proves that they can change our mind.
  11. They teach us to learn who we are talking to. Is it our child or a voice from our past?
  12. Things we learned as a truth from childhood may actually be a lie; seek to find real truth.
  13. Friend’s “advice” shouldn’t drive our actions when it comes to parenting. We really need to listen for God’s guidance.
  14. It’s easy to give the impression that if you give me the right behavior that you will get my love. Work hard on unconditional love.
  15. Tension should be resolved quickly; don’t let it linger.
  16. We need to become masters at reading our child’s unspoken words. These are an indicator of what is truly below the surface.
  17. We need to do everything in our power to make sure there are more positive interactions than negative so they can feel our love.
  18. As moms, we need to make sure we have plenty of rest. Pushing ourselves to be supermom gives us less ability to respond with love and patience.
  19. These kids will push us to the end of our rope sometimes. Practicing non-emotional responses ahead of time will give us the skills to react calmly in the heat of the battle.
  20. My child taught me that every person has value and I need to show kindness to all. Inviting their friends in gives me opportunity to speak His truth to those who surround her.
  21. Beware of judgment. We are all on a journey; some are just farther along than others.
  22. It is important to break out of our place of comfort to enter their world at times even when it is a little scary and doesn’t make sense to us.
  23. Boundaries are important in the parent/child relationship as they keep us emotionally healthy. Mom and Dad need to be on the same team in setting them.
  24. Enabling our child to do less than what should be their responsibility stifles their maturity even if done in love.
  25. We cannot make our child’s life better for them. We need to teach them to own their own future.
  26. Letting go of one child sometimes means saving your other children.
  27. Rebuilding severed relationship can be done. Never stop trying, and be aware of the other person’s capacity to reciprocate at various stages of the rebuilding process.
  28. Make sure that the amount of energy poured into your challenging child doesn’t suck the life out of you so that you can’t be there for your other children.
  29. Behavior doesn’t necessarily define the whole person. It is only one slice of the pie.
  30. Children become the average of the five people with whom they surround themselves. Teach them to choose friendships wisely.
  31. Laugh often even when you want to cry. Laughter releases endorphins that will make you feel better in the midst of the pain.
  32. Our kids make choices that sometimes lead to destruction. We have to remember that they are their choices and the outcome is between them and God. 
  33. As parents we need to own what is ours to own and not accept blame for every mistake our child makes.
  34. None of us are perfect parents and neither do we have perfect kids. If our kid self-destructs it is not automatically our fault.
  35. Our child’s heart might pull them into a destructive lifestyle. We can warn them, but we can’t control the situation.
  36. “I always thought that I’d see you again” can be a stinging lyric that fits unspoken conversations that you should have had. Initiate those conversations often.
  37. We need to teach our kids that relationships are transactional. There needs to be give and take on both sides.
  38. It’s easy to start thinking of these kids as a bother because they know how to press our buttons. Find ways to engage for short periods of time about non-emotional issues so that the mending of the relationship can begin.
  39. Offering empathy and validation for your child’s feelings means more than telling them your perspective on the issue.
  40. Keeping the pain and frustration to yourself makes you an island. Reach out and find a “safe” person who has been through a similar struggle to lighten your load.
  41. When you feel like there is no hope, pray. Starting with Amen or “so be it” shows that you accept that God is ultimately in control.
  42. When consequences for actions fail, push the reset button and work out a better solution.
  43. If emotions are high, take deep breaths and slow the conversation so that your brain has enough oxygen to speak with respect.
  44. Give your child the benefit of the doubt even when the likelihood is that they were in the wrong. Allow them time to tell their side of the story.
  45. When parents, teachers, and other authority figures call you to tell you “that awful thing your kid did”, listen, thank them for calling, and pause before dealing with your child on the issue. Listen to your child while asking open-ended questions about the incident.  Whatever you do, avoid any knee-jerk reaction.
  46. Stand firm in what is right and what is wrong so your child will always know where you stand on a given issue. Silence can be interpreted as implicit acceptance.
  47. When our kids make choices we don’t feel are good for them, rather than say “I told you so” talk through what could have been a better option.
  48. Be grateful for the positive aspects of your child’s personality. Find the good in them and encourage them again and again.
  49. Become a “safe” person for your child to talk to—no condemnation, no advice without their permission, and lots of listening with validation.
  50. Be your child’s #1 cheerleader when you have opportunity to do so and give lots of hugs.

Because of my daughter I have learned to “Let go…and Let God,”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Has Your Kid Launched an F-Bomb?

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“F-You,” came the shocking words flung in anger from her 12 year old son.  It was the first time his mom had heard words like that come out of his mouth. Read more

Tired of Parenting?

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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in that “tired of parenting” space.  Homework that even I don’t understand, or an attitude that makes me want to do something that I would most definitely regret, or undone chores, or a bedroom that needs to be condemned can drive any parent to a place of crazy.  Overwhelmed, frustrated, tired, embarrassed, and a host of other emotions can make us want to quit parenting at times as we feel we will break under the pressure.

So what do we do when we get to the point of wanting to quit?  How do we keep up the endurance and pace when we’d rather just leave our kids to their own devices?  After all, they won’t listen to us anyway.

There have been times when my teen has been having a meltdown that I just want to fold them into my arms and let them know that everything will be alright.  But at other times, when the attitude and mouthiness seem to spoil the entire family environment, the only thing we can do is take a deep breath and get perspective.

It’s times like this that have trained me to become aware of how quickly my emotions can be triggered by something my teen says or does or doesn’t do.  When that happens, and I want to walk away from it all and never look back, I know that it’s time for a break–a me and God break.

So here are some questions I begin to ask myself in these moments.  Questions that will turn my heart in the right directions.

  1. Why do I endure what my kids dish out?
  2. What do I want them to say about our family when they grow up and move out?
  3. If their attitude and behaviors are not pleasing, what do I need to be teaching them?
  4. Am I modeling a pleasing attitude and behaviors?
  5. What do I need to do for me to be persistent in building the relationship with my teen?
  6. How should I be handling my interactions with my teen?
  7. What is God asking me to do?

Our why is the thing that will keep us in the game.  Having a goal–not for them to move out–but a goal that says, “I parented well”, is what will motivate us when things get tough.  Knowing what we want our relationship to be at the end of their time under our roof will give us the energy and strength to endure the difficult seasons that are part of parenting.

I want to encourage you as I know some of you are dealing with much bigger issues than attitude or dirty clothes left on the floor.  If your teens are dealing with peer issues, alcohol, sex, or drugs, they still need mom and dad in the game.  It isn’t too late to lay the burdens at the feet of Jesus.  Stay strong.  And reach out for help.  Sometimes the issues are so much bigger than we can handle on our own.

Know that I’m here to talk if you are a parent who is struggling.  I’ve been there.  When things keep piling up and there seems to be no end in sight to the heartache, sometimes reaching out to someone who’s been on the path can give you comfort and help you get back to your why.  

Hebrews 12:1

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,

James 1:12

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

Praying God’s best when you want to quit.

“Let go…and Let God”,

 

6 Things I Learned from an Embarrassing Kid Moment

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Have you ever wished you were invisible because your tween or teen did something that embarrassed you?  Trust me when I say that I’ve been there on more than one occasion.  With four teens under my roof at one time, there was plenty of opportunity for me to encounter situations where my teens didn’t use their best judgment.

I remember one time when my daughter was in junior high.   She got into our minivan wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants as we headed to a home school skating party.  The dress code for these events tended to be fairly conservative and I remember thinking at the time that she would probably get hot in the rink since it was unseasonably warm.  And wouldn’t you know it, halfway through the two-hour skate time, I overheard a couple of moms asking who that girl was out on the skate floor. 

The talk continued about how they couldn’t believe a mother would ‘let her child out of the house like that’ when someone came over to me and said, “Isn’t that your daughter?”

Sure enough my daughter was skating with a boy in short shorts and a spaghetti strap top that barely covered her blossoming figure.  I was embarrassed beyond belief.

If only I could have been swallowed up by the floor at that moment.

You see, I’m a rule follower.  Rule followers feel like they are being accosted when someone points out something that their kids are doing wrong.  And like those other moms said, “How could a mother let her child out of the house wearing that?”

In that moment, as a mom, I didn’t feel safe.  I felt like a terrible parent.  I just knew that others were blaming me for my child’s choices.

I believed the lie that if my children weren’t being obedient and following the rules, then I must be a failure as a parent.

Looking back on that scenario, thankfully, I can laugh about it now.  Kids will do the darnedest things. 

So what have I learned from that story?

  1. My children will make decisions over which I have no control.  I can either take them personally, as if I should be in control, or I can use the opportunity to teach my kids appropriate behavior so they learn from their mistakes.  The question is whether I address them from a place of humiliation (which breeds anger) or a place of grace.
  2. Society as a whole tends to judge our actions as parents when our kids make wrong decisions.  Instead of parenting from a position of ‘you have embarrassed me’, I choose to parent from a place of humility.  After all, I’ve made wrong choices in my lifetime as well.
  3. I need to surround myself with “safe” women.  That means finding other moms where I can be real and not have to pretend that I’m perfect because the other moms do the same.
  4. I can choose compassion when I see other moms struggling with wayward teens.  If I go out of my way to bring a word of hope and encouragement to these moms, maybe one day when she looks back she can laugh at the choices her child has made.
  5. God uses our children to refine us and sometimes we have to decide if we will listen to His voice, our own voice, or the voices of those around us.
  6. The choices our children make are not about us.  These moments are about Him.  Will I represent Him well in front of my teen?

John 16:33

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Dare you to go out of your way to encourage the mom of a tween or teen who is making poor choices.  Pray for her and her family situation.  Be that “safe” person who offers compassion to her sometimes dark and fear-filled world.  As a friend once said, “If you do, you’ll be Jesus with skin on to her.”

“Let go…and Let God”,

If you are a mom who needs support as your parent, we have an opportunity for you.  Find a group of “safe” moms and go through With All Due Respect together.  It’s a place where you will find encouragement and hope as you parent through the trials.

Are You Coasting As a Parent?

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I was listening to a podcast this week about setting goals for 2019.  I don’t know about you, but when I think of goal setting, I typically think of my career, my finances, my health, and other areas that I can quantify.  I’ll admit that becoming a better parent is on my list, but it usually stops there.  I don’t take the time to think about what being a better parent really means to each of my kids.

There was something else the Kelly Thorne Gore said in her podcast that had me thinking. 

“There are five weeks left in the year.  Are you coasting until the end of the year?  Please know that a lot of things can unravel during those five weeks when we coast.”

Hmm…an unraveling of the goals we’ve set because we are coasting.  As I contemplated further that idea of coasting I realized that it means we’re going downhill and things seem easy.  What happens when we reach the bottom of the hill?

There were seasons in my own parenting that I’ll admit I was coasting.  These were the times when life was good and I would relish the season, take a deep breath, and relax a little in my focus.  After all, my kids seemed to be doing the right things and there were no major family hiccups or push backs.

However, just about the time I was ready to deem my child mature, something catastrophic would happen that would send me spinning as a parent.  “What was I doing wrong?  Why the sudden change in their choices?  I can’t believe I’m having to deal with this,” consumed my thinking.  These are the times my heart would race, my frustration would flare, and I found myself grasping at anything that would put my teen back on the path toward maturity.

And the pattern I uncovered as I thought through the “how did we get here?” was that these were the times when I realized that I had taken my eye off the goal.  I truly was coasting without any sense of urgency or intentional focus.

Being intentional in our parenting means we have a vision for the future.  What are we really hoping for as our teen becomes an adult? 

Are we focused on behavior, attitudes, faith, friends, or accomplishment?  Is their happiness our ultimate goal?

Or are we encouraging them to become who God wants them to be with appropriate guardrails and boundaries in place while we solidify a healthy relationship?

So with five weeks left in 2018, I want to challenge you to set some parenting goals for yourself.  Not the new year’s resolution type that will be forgotten in less than a month, but the kind of goals that will propel you into the future with intent.  Goals for your parenting that will be quantifiable so that when your world does get hit with a calamity, you’ll know how to quickly get back on track.

Here’s a place you might start:

  1. What is going well right now with my teen?  What are the areas my teen needs to grow in?
  2. What is going well in our relationship?  Are there areas where I am too lenient, too strict, too involved, or too complacent?
  3. Am I in a place of influence in my teen’s life?  If not, what steps can I take to make it safe for my teen to seek my advice?
  4. Am I spending enough time with my teen?  What do we do when we are together?  What changes, if any, should I make in this area?
  5. Am I gentle and kind or am I constantly nagging?  If necessary, what can I do differently in this area?
  6. What else needs to change?

Proverbs 29:18

Where there is no vision, the people perish.

Proverbs 16:9

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.

Dare you to spend the next few weeks with God asking Him to help set you on the right path in your parenting.

“Let go…and Let God”,

If you know someone with kids 9-29, maybe a great gift idea for this holiday season might be a copy of With All Due Respect:  40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship with Your Teens & Tween.  A companion option might be our online eCourse that accompanies the book where they will have opportunity to learn from moms who have been there.

And we continue to get positive feedback from teachers who have read it. Why not make your teacher gift giving easy this year?

Have a blessed day of gratitude!

 

 

 

 

 

Are You a Reactive Parent?

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Sitting on the deck reading while enjoying the warmth of the early summer sun, I barely noticed the activity at the pool nestled behind the evergreens.  Immersed in my book, I was suddenly blasted with a string of profanity being hurled from the pool area.  In a fit of anger, I watched a dad rant as he paced along the pool deck screaming obscenities while what looked like junior high age kids and younger continued to play in the pool.  As I sat amazed, shell-shocked actually, I noticed it took more than 10 minutes for this grown man to finally calm himself enough to be able to communicate to his kids that it was time to leave.

Talk about an anger issue.

But what about us as parents?  We might not be as explosive as the temperament of this man, but do we react to things our kids do in a way that others might sit up and take notice if they were to witness the outburst?

I’ll be the first to admit that there were phases in our parenting when our home was anything but calm.  Having had four teens under our roof at the same time at times equaled chaos and sometimes my responses as a mom didn’t help the circumstance.  Instead of bringing a gentle and quiet spirit into a conflict I would sometimes escalate the problem simply to be heard.

But what causes these outbursts in us?  And how do we determine the root cause so that we can learn to respond rather than react?

As adults we need to look deep within ourselves in order to put the pieces of what might seem like a puzzle together.  “Oh, I guess I’m just like my mom or dad isn’t a good enough response.”  If we want to be able to have influence with our teens, we need to show them that we have self-control.  After all, isn’t that what we want from them?

Looking at our childhood is a great place to start. 

  1. Did your parents or other close family members react in ways that as you look back were a little over the top?  If so, has it become ingrained so that it seems normal to you?
  2. What are your fears?  Sometimes our fears are rooted to something that we are afraid will happen in the future because we saw it happen to someone else in the past.  For example.  Your brother totaled his car at 16 so you might have a fear of your child driving.
  3. What are your beliefs when it comes to potential issues with your kids?  Dating, drinking, language, sex, clothing, hair, friends, church attendance, and a host of other things make up part of our belief system.  Which ones are you more likely to react over? 

Once you’ve had time to visit your childhood through realistic adult eyes, ask yourself if you can really control these things.

Let’s face it.  All of us want our kids to turn out to become the person we dreamed they would be.  In order to do that we think we need to be in control even though once our kids hit the junior high years, it becomes obvious to most of us that we can’t control the other person.

Learning to let go of our fears and relinquish control to a God who loves us and our children takes effort from us.  We have to learn better ways of bringing calm into the situation rather than reacting to our kids by getting upset and lashing out.

  • Learn to pause and breathe in the heat of the moment.  Deep breathing and counting to 10 brings oxygen to the brain rescuing it from a fight or flight response.  It will actually help you engage your brain better.  If that doesn’t work, let the person know that you need to break from the conversation to give yourself time to get your emotions under control.
  • Ask yourself what you are afraid of and what you are trying to control.  Reactions are about you and not the other person.  What are you feeling?  Why does this make you feel like you are not in control?
  • Look at the situation from your child’s perspective.  Sometimes we need to look beyond the NOW we are in.  What else is at play with our child’s reactions?  Is there a big test coming up?  Did he get in a fight with a friend?  Many times the conflict we find ourselves in with our child has very little to do with the current situation.
  • If you are feeling the pressure of an immediate response, say “Let me think about it”.  Putting boundaries in place so that your teens know that you will not give them a response at a moments notice will allow you time to exercise this option most of the time.
  • Learn to think positively.  Many of us typically think of the worst outcome when, in fact, most situations have several alternatives.  By learning to look at potential options rather than focusing on the worst scenario, we will be able to change our outlook to the positive.

Just last week I was sitting in the family room holding our new grandson while my husband and son were in a conversation in the kitchen that was starting to escalate.  I’m sure I was probably more aware of the increased intensity of their conversation because of the baby’s startled reaction.  Knowing what to look for, it became obvious to me what my husband feared most in the moment.  I gently reminded both of them several times that the situation was escalating.  By doing so, I noticed that my husband was finally able to verbalize his fear to my son in a way that my son understood.  My son then reassured his dad that his fear would not materialize.  With that the problem was resolved.

Being aware of our reaction is the first step to self-control.  Being able to identify the fear can help bring resolution to an escalating discussion. 

1 Timothy 1:7

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Dare you to look at your own reactions as you parent your tweens and teens.  What steps do you need to take be be the calm parent instead of the reactive parent?

“Let go…and Let God”,

Want to learn more skills as you try to become a woman with a gentle and quiet spirit in your own home?  Gaining control over our own emotional responses can change the tide in how our children react to us.  That’s why we’ve designed a women’s retreat to teach moms how to deflate defensiveness with their kids.  The next one is near Cincinnati, Ohio May 30-June 3, 2018.  Not only will you meet other moms who want great relationships with their kids, but you’ll enjoy the bonds of sisterhood in a way that will encourage you as you parent.  You’ll leave with resources and friendships that will be there to carry you through on those difficult days of being a mom.  

Price includes 4 nights stay in a private room and 10 meals in a retreat setting in addition to a world-class training like you’ve never experienced.  Most women come back year after year after they see the change it makes in them and all of their relationships.