Tag Archive for: My teen won’t listen

Respect in the Little Things

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Just this past week I had to swallow my pride, take a step back, and deal with the disrespect I felt in a healthy way. It was really a little thing–one that could have easily been avoided if the person had just sloughed it off as an over site and moved on.

And I’ll admit it was hard to keep the communication flowing in a way that cultivated relationship rather than me shutting down because I felt chastised.

It started with me asking a question.

The response wasn’t what I expected.

“I sent you an email,” the person stated in a tone of accusation.

“Oh, I must have missed it,” I responded in what I tried to make a light-hearted tone.

“Well I sent it.”

I’m sure I paused at the matter of fact tone as I tried to understand my feeling of deeper accusation.

As I took a deep breath my brain clicked into action and I tried to be upbeat and respond in a non-threatening tone.  “What email address did you send it to? When we moved we changed providers and I had to change my email.” 

The individual shared the email address and sure enough it was my old one.

“I didn’t get an undelivered message. I should have gotten one from the provider if it is no longer in use.” (Translated in my mind, “You didn’t do what you needed to do or this wouldn’t have happened.”)

Unfortunately the conversation digressed even more to others who had not responded to their emails which this person sent.

I laughed to ease the tension. “Guess they got lost somewhere in cyberspace. Oh well. Things happen. It’s not a big deal.” And I eased into the question I had asked in the first place.

“But I want you to know I did what I was supposed to do.” Translated, “Don’t blame me.”

I was shocked at the defensiveness in the tone and a little hurt that she thought I was blaming her for something.

My only goal was to gather information and seek an answer so that I would know what to do next.

I thought I was reaching out in a friendly manner. After all, I appreciated the work this person was doing. It meant a lot that the individual had taken initiative.  Yet, somehow this acquaintance/friend wasn’t picking up on my attempts to connect.

Having had my question answered, my first thought as we ended the conversation was, “What could have possibly happened in this person’s life (most likely childhood) that made it so important to not feel blamed?”  And I began praying for her.

As I thought about the conversation, I couldn’t help but think of the interactions we have with our kids on a daily basis.

  • Does our tone of voice come across to them as if we are scolding them?
  • Do we blame them for things they may not have done?
  • Do we come across as accusatory in the little statements we make putting them on the defensive?
  • Are we inadvertently pushing our kids away rather than creating connection?
  • Do our words make them feel stupid or our sarcastic remarks hurt in a way that makes them feel “less than”?
  • Are we focused on being right rather than the relationship?

I’m sure the individual I had conversation with had no clue as to how I was feeling in the moment.  I’m sure there was no ill-intent of any kind.  For this person, it was most likely a learned response based on how others had responded in the past–most likely out of pain and chastisement that was internalized at a young age.

But there is hope.  

What I’ve learned through the years of dealing with my own pain is that unhealthy communication patterns can be changed.  Sometimes a little humor goes a long way.  Apology can help as well. And there are countless ways we can assess what we are feeling in the moment so that we can change the trajectory of what feels like a negative conversation and turn it into connection.

But it takes introspection and practice.  It takes the will to change ourselves rather than blaming the other person.  And a training weekend sponsored by Greater Impact Ministries can help.  Trust me when I say that a training course I went through almost a decade ago literally changed the outcome of who I am today.  And the active learning environment made it a safe place to figure out what I was doing wrong in the moment and how to change the outcome with a few simple strategies.

The cool part is that our tone of voice, our defensive patterns, and the words we use are only a small piece of the learning.  The training I took all those years ago has transformed into learning that grows exponentially as I encounter new situations every day–especially in my parenting.

James 1:19

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,

This verse saved me the day I asked the question of my friend.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”

And I want the love of my Heavenly Father to flow through me even when it is difficult and I feel disrespected or wrongfully accused.

If you are like me and want to be more like Jesus as you interact with those difficult people in your life, I hope you will join me at our Deflating Defensiveness Training Retreat in the Greater Cincinnati, Ohio area this June.

Women who have attended in the past keep coming back because of what God is doing in their relationships as a result of all they learn.  Another thing that happens as a result of the conference is that you will have continued support as you become part of the continued learning community. Women like you who want to make an impact on their relationships and shine the light of Christ to others will be there.

Healthy communication is learned and we can help you impact your family and friendships.  We hope you will consider joining us in June.  

To find out more:  https://www.greaterimpact.org/deflating-defensiveness-training

Dear Heavenly Father,

Sometimes I have expectations on how my kids should interact with me, yet I don’t always respond in a gentle way.  I get angry, frustrated, and at times defensive and I see the same behaviors from them.  Lord, I want to model your love and connect with them in a healthy way that will impact future generations.  Help me to learn to communicate in a way that shows my love for them just like you show Your love for me.  I so want a connection with my kids that will stand the test of time.  As I pursue You more, help me to also do everything in my power to encourage my children to turn to you.  May your influence in my life shine through me so that others will be influenced to follow you.

In the precious name of Jesus.  Amen.

“Let go…and Let God”,

I realize that a retreat is a huge commitment.  If you aren’t ready to join us in June, can I suggest that you start small with the book With All Due Respect: 40 Days to a More Fulfilling Relationship With Your Teens & Tweens

If you would like more support than just reading through a book alone, you can join our community eCourse where other Christian moms who have learned our deflating defensive skills will help you learn the process.  We’ll walk beside you on your parenting journey.

 

 

 

 

 

Do You Accuse or Choose to Handle Your Challenging Situations Differently?

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Last week I shared a story of a mother who was more focused on accusing her daughter’s friend rather than handling the challenging situation in a way that would foster relationship with her teen. (Click here to read.)  The same week that I was traveling, I spoke with a grandmother who was trying to impact a difficult situation with her teenage grand-daughter. The situation had just occurred a few days prior and this woman was sharing how she was trying to have influence in an extremely gut-wrenching situation.

As I listened, I was in awe. I kept wondering if I would have had the wisdom to handle a situation in a similar manner. Truth be told, several years ago I was in the same situation–as the mother instead of the grandmother. And I’ll admit I didn’t handle it well. Honestly, I wish this woman had been in my life then. I might have done things much differently with her sage advice and wisdom.

“Monica was caught vaping and smoking marijuana with her friends,” the woman began. “I’m just glad my daughter called to let me know. It’s hard to believe that Monica would do something like that. She just became a teenager a couple of weeks ago. She seems to be so young to already be experimenting with drugs.”

I was able to share with this woman about teen drug use from my own experience with my teen. I found myself transported to all the things I wish I had done differently.  As a result my heart breaks for parents who are in these tough situations.

“I’m so sorry you are having to deal with it. It know it is hard.”

“I know that God is aware of everything and I’ve been coaching my daughter not to accuse Monica but to put her energy into listening and validating her daughter’s feelings.”

“That’s really great advice. Something is obviously going on deep inside your grand-daughter and her feelings do matter.”

“My daughter says that she and Monica are having conversations that are much deeper than they would typically have. They end more amicably than in the past.”

” That’s great. What else are you doing?”

“I’ve been asking God to show me the next step and how He wants me involved in the situation. Yesterday, I got to spend two hours alone with Monica. We talked about how much God loves her. I was also able to ask her if there is any lie she believes about herself. The more we talked and I shared different stories of things that I remember happening when she was little, Monica was able to tell me that she always felt like her brother was more important than she was. She felt that “she didn’t matter and no one really cared about her.”

“Wow. That was huge for a 13 year old to get to a place where she could identify the lie.”

“I thought so too,” the grandmother replied. “I went on to tell her that what was important is what God thinks about her and what she thinks about herself. She needs to find a way to love herself and understand her value. After all, God took His time to create her as a special person. I love her, her parents love her, but she needs to love herself as well.”

“That’s really awesome. I think too often as parents we get focused on what others think about us and not what God thinks or what we think. I love that you were able to get to a place where these are her choices based on what she believes about herself. I love it too that you are stepping into her life in an active role rather than sitting back to let your daughter and her husband struggle with it on their own.”

“One of the things I’ve come to learn,” I continued, “is that teens need several people who are active in their life and people who will not “tell them what to do” or “where they have messed up” but can focus on influencing them toward right decisions with the understanding that ultimately it is the teen’s choice. As much as we want to, we don’t necessarily have ultimate control. Learning that as parents is so difficult at times.”

So what about you? As a parent, how would you handle a situation if you discovered your teen was smoking pot, vaping, or doing drugs? What if they were having sex or doing something else that you disapprove of or is against your faith? Would you accuse and try to control or would you have the skills to influence the situation in a way for the best possible outcome?

Psalm 46:1-3

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

Isaiah 43:1-3 

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Philippians 4:6 

Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Most parents have the tendency of accusing their teens and bringing down the hammer along with the lecture when they’ve done something out of line.  Dare you to choose to handle your challenging situations differently.

“Let Go…and Let God”,

 Wish you had people like this grandmother in your life to help with your parenting challenges?  Grab the book With All Due Respect and join us in our on-line ecourse.  There you will meet our mentors who have learned how to think differently about parenting challenges and can walk with you through the struggles. Whether it is drugs, sex, alcohol, defiance, or even a good kid who you want to connect with on a deeper level, we can help. Hope you will join us.

Learning to Anticipate What’s Next

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I spoke to a mom of a new college student just a few weeks ago.  Her daughter had just come home from college for Christmas break for the first time.  The mom was joy-filled at getting to see her daughter for a couple of weeks, but she talked about how stressful it was on the entire family.  “I’m kind of hoping she’ll decide to get an internship or something for the summer,” she admitted.  “Does that mean I’m a bad mom?”

Most of us don’t know what to expect for those “firsts” that our kids encounter or do we?

Whether it is a driver’s license, a first date, a serious boyfriend, or a holiday home from college, most of us haven’t anticipated our what comes next.  That’s what Dare 23 is all about.  If we are having a sex talk with our daughter after we’ve found out that she’s already been intimate with her boyfriend, that’s when we discover that we haven’t planned far enough ahead.

Most of us are already doing this for the day-to-day of life as a family.  Whether it’s assigned chores or rules that we’ve set in our home with appropriate consequences, we see a need and we put a plan in place to take care of the problem.  You have the skills.  And we know what it takes to get things back on track.

What I’m talking about here are those monumental milestones where things will be different.  It’s anticipating all the conflict that can arise when things are different in your home.  With freedom, our kids will most likely pendulum swing to the far extreme of their grandiose idea of “total freedom” instead of what we as parent’s intended as gradual freedom.

Take my friend, for example.  Her daughter comes home from college with the plan to see all her high school friends.  Late nights (after all, she doesn’t have to study), sleepovers, shopping, a come-and-go-as I please mentality just like she had at college. Meanwhile mom was dreaming of time to bake cookies together and fun trips out–just the two of them–like old times.

Two totally different plans for what Christmas break was going to be like.

The reality was that dad still needed to get up for work every day even though the garage door was opened at 2 am by their unthinking daughter.  The girl’s brother was still in school and trying to study for exams.  With the daughter bringing friends home, the laughing and giggling was making it hard for her son to concentrate.  And mom was frustrated and disappointed that her dreams and expectations from her daughter weren’t turning out as she planned.

Dare 23 is all about the up-front dialogue; planning ahead and anticipating the potential pitfalls.

It’s all about communication — in advance.

My experience with moms is that most of us don’t know what we don’t know so we just let things happen and then deal with the conflict later.  Another thing we fail to do is get dad involved in these monumental decisions and plan together.

Several years ago I was talking to a mom while I was getting my hair cut.  Her first daughter was getting ready to graduate from high school.  This mom announced, “I’ve told my girls that I pay for things until they are 18.  College is on them.  My husband and I have paid for the best private school in the area to help them be successful in life.  What they do with that is up to them.”

Whether you agree with their decision to pay for college or not isn’t the point.  What is important here is that both parents had agreed on a plan up front, they put the plan for college in motion before the girls even took their first step into the halls of the high school, and communication was on-going with every choice the girls made with regard to their college selection.

That’s parenting ahead.

Proverbs 16:9

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.

Proverbs 21:5

The plans of the diligent certainly lead to profit, but anyone who is reckless certainly becomes poor.

Proverbs 21:5 can apply to relationships as well as money.  Our relationships will blossom with our kids if we can anticipate conflict before it happens and begin the communication process early.

Dare you to anticipate the next big milestone with your teens and tweens.  Start the communication process now so they will know what to expect.

“Let go…and Let God”,

Communication is key in all our relationships.  And learning to deflate the defensiveness with our kids and reduce the conflict and stress in our homes is paramount.  Wouldn’t you like to have a more peaceful home where the stress of the day to day interactions can calmly be resolved?  Knowing our kids, anticipating ahead, and making small changes in our communication can have a huge impact with our tweens, teens, and our 20-somethings.  

We’ve put together a training retreat where in three days  you can learn the skills that will radically transform your home.  Not only will we teach you how to implement these new skills, but you’ll have an opportunity to practice them in an encouraging environment away from judgment.  You’ll have time to refresh your soul in a park-like setting where you will be encouraged to unpack the “now” you are in and learn how to start over with a different perspective.

Here’s what women are saying about our Deflating Defensive Training Retreat:

“It was like the light-bulb finally went off! I’ve read a mountain of books, but this approach is different. Learning in-person from the trainers made all the difference.   I wasn’t able to understand until they modeled it for me and gave me someone to mirror. That’s the thing that was life-changing for me!”

“The retreat taught me how to interact positively with family members who have a history of attacking me verbally… I learned the tools to use when this happens. And it worked when a recurring irritant happened just days ago with an important person in my life!”

“I’ve already encouraged my sister to come with me to the next one.” 

We hope you’ll consider joining us this year!  We promise your relationships will grow in ways you never thought possible.